married kleinsen headcanons but itās just me rambling for 30 mins straight ,, š
jared likes to make evanās coffee every morning, specifically how he likes it but he has a small thing to take a sip before giving it to him almost an indirect kiss
jared likes to steal kisses every time he passes by evan but very soft gentle ones you can almost forget in a minute
they eat off each others plates even if itās the same meal because it somehow tastes better and they never mind it
they send texts to each other even if theyre both in the house together so while evan is downstairs jared will text him upstairs asking him to come here and evan will say no you come and they go back and forth
to them grocery shopping is a little thing of themselves and almost a date but jared always makes evan mad for adding junk into the cart and he lectures him for 40 mins in the freezer section about artificial sweeteners effecting the brainās development (absolute bs he read from an article that isnāt true)
evan will always wait for jared to come to bed no matter what EVEN if heās on the verge of falling asleep because he physically canāt sleep knowing heās not beside him (they sleep on the phone whenever jareds away on a business trip)
jared is the most annoying husband ever and has this thing for singing random house songs so evan will say im making dinner and jared will repeat in full opera tune heeeeeās makiiiiing dinnerrrrrrrr and evan hates it
evan rambles a lot to jared since he has no other friends (he never learned to socialize after highschool) so he talks about almost everything absentmindedly even if jared has no idea what heās saying but majority of the time itās about an article he read on buzz feed or something about his garden
they fold laundry together but when i say they i mean evan does all the work while jared purposely folds the incorrectly to make evan mad
despite being in their mid thirties they still laugh like idiots over past insides jokes like theyāre just cute old married men talking about a random moment in their past thats so stupidly funny to them they start laughing so hard and evan snorts which causes jared to laugh even harder and makes evan laugh more and theyāre holding onto each other and theyāre like stop stop im gonna pee but they keep laughing and jared rolls off the bed laughing
whenever evan says i love you jared never says it back IN ENGLISH that is because they have this thing where jared always replies back with je t'aime aussi hansen (when they first began dating they watched a french film where the main character said to the love interest and mocked him and evan snorted soda out his nose and its stuck ever since)
jared canāt stand if evans clothes are wrinkled or closely off so he always fixes his clothes or something simple like straightening his collar or brushing lint off his sweater
jared warms up evans side of the bed no matter what because he absolutely knows evan enjoys the warmth so while evans getting ready for bed jared will just lay on evans side first so itās warm for him without any warning
an instinct of evan is to always peel things for jared like tangerines or pistachios so while jared rambles about his day evan will sit crisscrossed on the floor quietly peeling and feed them to him
evan hates driving late at night so jared always takes care of it and evan doesnāt argue because he knows jared can hear the exhaustion in his voice plus evan sleeps early so itās just a matter of knowing him
evan isnāt always a big eater and never finishes his food so he always saves the best bite of food for jared like the piece with the most sauce, the piece with more filling, or just the perfect amount of balance heāll save it and spoon it into jareds mouth
evan canāt use chopsticks to save his life so itās a real struggle when they order in chinese but not to worry because jared feeds evan with chopsticks so he doesnāt feel weird using a fork and evan canāt recall the last time heās manually eaten chinese food without jared feeding him
evan isnāt a bad fan of having grey hairs despite the cause of 99.99% of them being by the stress jareds (annoying) ass causes so every month or so heāll sit on a random stool while jared helps him add the hair dye and spread it evenly (jared doesnāt care about his silver bits so he doesnāt bother doing the same)
personally evan isnāt a religious person but he celebrates christmas and jared is canonically jewish so together unironically the invented their own holiday called hanukkmas and every year they gather with their separate dishes with family and friends and enjoy together
lastly ! Iāve had a headcanon about them having a cat since hmm maybe late 2023 / early 2024 ish ?? but anyway his name is cedar and heās old as FUUUCCCKKā¦ā¦. evan got him as a therapy cat around college and he absolutely hates jareds guts and pisses in his shoes whenever he gets the chance
(okay so this isnāt a specific headcanon but itās now I view them ,, like as characters so well yes still a headcanon)
jared is a mixed mexican american jewish guy,, he has brown hair and eyes plus fairly tan skin but he never goes outside muchā¦ā¦ i think heād have a lot of moles but most are on his back so theyre rarely seen and heās like 5ā6 with his height booster shoes (heās never beating the allegations)
evan is simply a white guy (LMFAO) with a dirty blonde hair (naturally but as said before he dyes it as honey blonde instead š) he has greyish blue eyes that are more visibly blue in the sun and heās polished with freckles that are only slightly seen when the sun hits him directly.. heās also 5ā11
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