Doorway to the Mind

just my thoughts on day to day things

[12375kyytg]

My life is all about spending years after heartbreak, trusting no one. To then find the person who I think is my person and putting my all into them. Then my heart and my mind betray me. I give them my all and they leave me with nothing left. Time to grieve and teach myself that people aren't trustworthy. Words are just words to them, feeling are fleeting and I'm just too much..

[12375kyytg]

Am I still seeking attention when I'm in my room? Am I still just asking for pity because I tell you about my suffering? Does a tree make a sound when no one is near it? The tree breaks and creaks at the force of the wind. We bear witness to the ruffles of its leaves in the air and still question if it sounds when we are not there.

They believe their presence is so important that they can't fathom that suffering is a power that controls you.

Unlike the tree, who mostly stays the same day in and day out. Every day, my soul is being ripped apart. My emotions, my tears, the only consistent witnesses when I am alone

[12375kyytg]

Funny how people confess their emotional truths and find you unworthy of them only a few moments later. Leaving you wondering if it was just a manipulation. Leaving you to constantly question every single action, every thing they ever said. Your trust destroyed in the matter of them rescinding a word. That word was the beginning of their fading away.

[12375kyytg]

I deleted all your messages and changed your name in my phone. In the end, you weren't safe, though I thought I found a home. You made me feel special and cared for and loved. You made me think I found my person. You led me to believe I was all those things for you, too. I didn't expect you to hurt me the way I was hurt before. I thought for once someone valued the real me enough that they would fight for me, for us. Then, one day, you did it, too... you stopped telling me the things you used to say, no more reassurance or compliments, no more baby, or I love yous and when I finally asked you just said it was because you didn't have time. But I sit here with my thoughts, and I think maybe I just wasn't worthy of it after all. That you just got what you needed from me and decided one day that saying it would be a lie. I believed you, trusted you... I felt safe. And it was all ripped away from me when you decided to just call me a friend. And now I'm dying inside, and the pain never ends. I don't know what I expect you to say. But the stupid part is I'd do anything to hear you say it again, to go back to the way things were. I'm just not worthy of that love that I thought you were.

[12375kyytg]

Every day I wake up thinking things will be better and I am getting used to the shock of seeing the state of the world get worse and worse, but it still makes me sick to my stomach. It leaves a hole in my gut. One that lays empty but for the pain and sadness at the way all humans are suffering right now. My body feels heavy and I see no one that can help lighten the load. I get tired enough I think I might drift off, but instead I lie awake thinking of our demise and how I feel so helpless. The minute my laughter stops my mind can only feel the despair. Restless sense of justice and strong emotions hang like weights and occupy my mind. How can we make change when reality has become a horror movie. People are starving, separated, hurting. And all the world does is find ways to make it worse. Destroyers of hope, master's of separation and torture...

And somehow we are expected to just live through it. Then they dare ask why so many people just give up

[12375kyytg]

Understanding isn't creating a story based on what you know. It's knowing that the history isn't negotiable.

I dont expect a certain answer. I dont know why I'm always expressing my pain. No one can ever understand. My emotions scare them away. I tell them and hope they'll understand why I am the way I am, but no one sees the wounds I hide. Even though I tell them they can't see it deep inside. Have I distorted myself so much that they can't believe? That the pain I've hidden is more than they can see. That the answers are more complex than the thoughts that come easily. Simple solutions are cutting jigsaw pieces into squares. People can make them fit together, but what's lost is only forgotten by the ones who don't know, can't feel, their edges.

[12375kyytg]

Divine souls

A soul is divine

The soul is a separation from the experiences of one's body.

The soul is not plagued by the emotions of the mind.

A soul is timeless.

The soul lives unbound by human inventions.

The soul does not die like the rest of us.

A soul is ultimately a fairytale of human existence.

The soul helps a person cope with inevitable life

The soul is continuation after deaths successful persistence.

Is the soul divine? Or a thought to escape time?

[12375kyytg]

"Trust me" they growl. Licking their lips in anticipation. For a moment fear wells up inside my chest. These meetings have never gone well before and my heart was forever changed by the first one.

I had learned that if I wanted to get out unscathed, I would have to slink into the shadows. I would have to shrivel and never tell them off because then they would get angry. At first their eyes would narrow, then their lips would curl. Just the sight of their teeth was enough to make my hairs stand on end.

Tears were building up and I turned away from them so they wouldn't see. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CRY?" they screamed. "Don't you know that it upsets me... dear?"

I shrank back and covered my ears because I didn't want to get hurt again, but they ripped my hands away. I wailed in fear and despair as they tore into my skin. Just another scar to add. As I lie there bleeding with tears and blood mixing together, I started wondering if I would ever be free of this monster that created me. When they were satisfied with the pain they inflicted they would pause to tell me, "I love you, but you never listen or do anything right."

And with that the door to my cage was left shut and I was left to deal with my pain all alone. If I ever escape will I know who I am?

[12375kyytg]

Us vs. Them

Us is good not Them

Them is different from Us

Us look down on Them

Them is threat to Us

Separation Stubbornness

Denial and fear

Us holds the matches

Them holds and pours gasoline

Each contributing

[12375kyytg]

Trying too hard

I look at his face, his eyes, his lips.

When I'm with him they move in such a lively way. They call to me in a tone only I can understand. They seem safe and warm. They move to look at me with all the caring they can muster. Lips moving without a single word ever spoken.

I look at him and think these things must me he's in. That he cares.

I talk to him. I help him ascend to a higher level in my eyes. I boost his ego and give him endless praise. I let him know that I want him in any way. I give him gifts of the mind, body, and soul. Anything to keep those eyes on me.

Slowly the expression changes.

First his eyes look away, uninterested, distracted. Then his lips stop moving, they stay put. Adoration disappears. His face is the last to go, taking away the incandescent glow of his prescence.

I keep going hoping to turn him back my way. Frantically, I fight for his attention.

He walks away, footsteps growing ever quieter as my mind grows louder. His steps echo in my head. I cannot think, or move. All I can do is listlessly repeat my praises. Eventually he's too far to reach, leaving me with silence and the reality that all he really ever gave me was what I had before.

Nothing.

[12375kyytg]

Moving pictures

Flash.

I'm young again. I feel love so strongly all around me.

Flash.

Two halves of a heart. Broken apart and separated.

Flash.

They both find another broken part to match. I am forgotten.

Flash.

The love I once felt. Replaced by despair. Being hurt by them and their other pair.

Flash.

Each word hits me like a brick. Chipping away I don't know who I am. I exist to feel pain.

Flash.

The holes grow bigger. Filled with all your words that became a part of me.

Flash.

Years later and I'm still bleeding. My heart is so broken it doesn't have a match.

Flash.

End.

The reel starts again.

[12375kyytg]

Acquired Taste

I have been fated with a bad picker.

Only finding sour fruit.

The taste lingers on my tongue.

Sweet fruit tastes bitter, layered on top.

So I always pick sour fruit.

Familiar.

Not what I want.

🍋

[12375kyytg]

That man never wanted you. He just wanted what you had to give and then threw you away after consuming every last bite.

[12375kyytg]

Sometimes the things we want just hurt too much. Sometimes the wanting reminds us of why we believe we don't deserve them. So we tell ourselves we don't want them because the pain of wanting them is just too much.

[12375kyytg]

LET HOPE INSIDE

So many days I've spent afraid of the scary parts of life. Worried that they would only make my heart colder.

I believed most people had it out for me. I thought they would be mean and unforgiving.

I thought I would never have the fortitude to see it through, that I would wade through the endless swamp.

I was wrong

When I gave the a chance and opened the chamber leading to my heart, people added embers and coals. They lit me up on the inside.

Fueled by hope and inspired by their generosity that fire grew stronger, transforming my defeat into hope.

Now I want to give that warmth to others. I want to bring light to the things I touch and lift the sorrow off of their shoulders.

I'm learning to love this life and leave my heart open. You never know what you might miss if you don't.

[12375kyytg]

So many times I dreamt of you without realizing it was you. I had been imprisoned and was trying to escape. I made allies who supplied me with the things necessary to get away from the prison. The prison wasn't terrible inside, but its walls were daunting and unending. It was the same thing every day and became a place of misery. I did not want the same mindless things the other prisoners enjoyed. I wanted to be free. Outside the walls; away from prying eyes and away from all the happiness around me. I felt out of place. The walls were getting in my way. Every time I was so close to freedom you would find me. It was always you that wanted me to be confined, trying to entice me to stay with the bribery of happiness. You wanted me to forget what you'd done, which is why I was trapped in that never ending game for so long. I thought you were the gatekeeper and that I needed your permission to be happy.... life is no dream, or rather, no nightmare. While you lay heavy on my mind those nights, the only reason I was trapped was me. You were never there, but I had given you so much power over my peace of mind. My mind was polluted by the idea that what you had done meant my life was over. I realize now that with you gone, the walls are too. The story was just beginning.

[12375kyytg]

When the butterflies stop flying..

That is when true love begins.