ADA x Reader - Would You Still Love Me If I Was a Worm?
Author's Note: I wrote this months ago for fun and just found it again recently. There isn't much context other than that it's implied that Y/N has worked at the Armed Detective Agency longer than Atsushi but a shorter time than everyone else. I use honorifics but I wouldn't look too deeply into them. Might upload a second one with the other members of the ADA at a later date...
Tone: Comedic, Light-Hearted, Slice of Life (?)
The bustling streets of Yokohama were still something that you were struggling to get used to. This was, in part, due to the fact that you really only got the opportunity to explore them between a variety of different work tasks - murder investigations, conspiracy plots, being framed for terrorism...
Working for the Armed Detective Agency wasn't for the mundane. Sometimes you wondered if you'd be happier stuck waiting tables or in a shitty internship like others your age. You'd certainly rather be doing a coffee run than one of Ranpo's dessert runs. At least then you could justify buying yourself something as well.
You glance ahead to your coworker who was trailing slightly ahead of you. You don't know what causes you to speak - maybe boredom, maybe genuine curiousity - either way though, the following words leave your lips...
"Hey. Would you still love me if I was a worm?"
Atsushi stared at you for a second as if he didn’t quite comprehend the words that were just spoken to him. He let out a small laugh though it sounded far more uncertain than amused.
“Uh…sorry, Y/N-san, I don’t think I heard the question right! Could you repeat it?”
He seemed genuinely apologetic for the "inconvenience". It almost made you feel a bit bad for the teasing that was about to ensue.
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
You repeated the words carefully, making sure to purposefully enunciate each syllable despite your otherwise conversational tone. Once again Atsushi just stared at you. Just as you were about to repeat the question for a third time – was his hearing really that bad? – the meaning of the statement seemed to dawn on him. While the baffled expression on Atsushi’s face remained (sometimes you wondered if it was just how his face rested), a deep flush immediately overtook the rest of his features. His heterochromic eyes darted anxiously to the side.
“W-would I…would I what if you were a what?!” The words practically jumped out of Atsushi’s mouth, high and frantic. “Uh, Y/N-san, that’s a bit of a…I don’t know if…love?!”
Ah. Of course that’s the part that Atsushi’s brain would latch onto. You probably should’ve seen that coming. Oh well.
Atsushi’s face somehow manages to turn an even deeper shade of red. Honestly, you’re a bit impressed.
“I-I don’t…I mean, erm…yes? I’d still…w-we’d always be friends no matter what form you were in! Even if it was a worm!”
Feeling pleased by the strength in his response (and a bit bad about all the pure stress the simple question seemed to cause him), you push down the pang of disappointment you feel towards the word “friend” and instead give a quick grin. You lean over to pat Atsushi’s shoulder.
“Alrighty, then!” You clap your hands together, “Shall we go pick up Ranpo-san’s order then?”
It was clear by the wide-eyed look of horror on Atsushi’s face that he’d forgotten the whole reason you two had left the office in the first place. He gives a rapid nod and almost immediately quickens his pace. You trail along after him.
The conversation from that point shifts into the familiar back-and-forth that is had at the agency. You think your awkward attempt at joking around might go forgotten entirely…until you see Atushi mouthing LOVE every so often when he thinks you aren’t looking.
Kunikida, clearly having expected an inquiry of the utmost importance, immediately splutters upon hearing your actual question.
“What kind of…that’s what you stopped to ask me?! I already had to modify my daily schedule to account for grabbing Ranpo’s order and now you’re wasting the rest of my time on idiotic hypotheticals?!”
You blink. While Kunikida’s face was certainly turning a bit red, you figured it had less to do with feeling flustered by your question and more because he was attempting not to strangle you in broad daylight. You wondered, briefly, if this is why Dazai picked at him so often. It was admittedly quite fun.
“Aw! Kunikida-san, don’t be that way! It’s a very serious question! Stop being so dismissive…”
Kunikida’s eye twitched ever so slightly, “In what world is that an important question?!”
“This one! I mean, how else are we supposed to know the true strength of our bond? Aren’t you always going on about the Agency needing to operate more smoothly? A healthy working relationship is the first step towards that!”
The exasperated glare that Kunikida levels your way is nearly enough to make you apologize and move on. His hands were clenched so tightly that you assumed he was fantasizing about them being wrapped around your throat. His eyes dragged slowly between his watch and you as if though he was trying to “subtly” remind you of the cause of his ire. A smarter individual would take the silent warning (if only out of self-preservation) – alas, you were born with the inability of knowing where the line is.
“L/N,” The breath that escapes Kunikida’s lips is not one of relief, “Do you know how much Ranpo’s errand has thrown us off schedule?”
Your eyebrows shoot up. What a weird non-sequitar…
“Uh…like, five minutes? The bakery is only a bit of a walk away from where the crime scene was–”
“Seven minutes and twenty-two seconds.”
If you were going based on tone alone, one could only assume that Kunikida was in the middle of describing a disgustingly inhumane crime. Your own smile becomes a bit strained and you take a step backwards under the harshness of his gaze.
“Inconvenient…? Inconvenient? It’s an unmitigated disaster – that’s what this is! It will take us fourteen minutes to return back to the office from the bakery. Add in your…idiotic blabbering has wasted approximately one hundred and fifty more seconds. At this rate, we will make it back to the Agency at 3:01 PM.”
“...And that’s a problem because…?”
“The Agency departs for lunch at approximately thirteen hundred hours! If Ranpo-san is not there to collect his sweets, this entire excursion would have been a waste. Furthermore, I cannot file this investigation report if the President is not there to sign off on it. My entire schedule from this point forward is thrown off! If anything, I’d be more inclined to tolerate you if you were a spineless worm because at least then you’d have an excuse for the sheer stupidity you exude!”
“The only thing you need to be is walking – move!”
Ugh. He’s absolutely no fun. You begrudgingly drag your feet after Kunikida as he swiftly walks down the streets of Yokohama.
“...ehhhh…? What kinda question is that?”
Ranpo drags out the words as he looks at you. Despite the casualness of his tone, his green eyes drill into you. You barely manage to resist the urge to curl up and hide away from the world entirely.
…not that anyone could SUCCESSFULLY avoid Ranpo Edogawa.
If you were any more naive – or perhaps just unused to how the Great Detective operates – you might’ve tried answering the question. The experience you’ve gotten from working at the Armed Detective Agency these past few months, however, has made you an expert in the art of recognizing rhetorical questions.
Your expertise does you well as Ranpo lets out a small huff of air.
“Why would I care about a worm?”
“It’s just a hypothetical from a stupid video I saw, Ranpo-san–”
“Stupid is right! Sigh…is this really the type of thing you like to think about? Man, I’d hate to be you! What a waste of time! Boooriiing.”
“I, erm, apologize for wasting your time–”
Ranpo dismissively waves his hand, not even giving you time to get the apology out. No doubt because he’d find it boring as well. You internally sigh. Mentally preparing yourself for a very awkward walk to the bakery, you slowly continue to trail behind Ranpo. Just as you were getting used to the silence however…
“Obviously I wouldn’t love you if you were a worm,” Ranpo says in a haughty tone that you’ve come to recognize as his Explaining-Simple-Things-To-A-Bunch-Of-Idiots voice. You were kinda hoping to avoid it entirely though you should’ve known you could never be that lucky.
“...I’m aware, Ranpo-san. Once again, I apologize for–”
“If you were a worm, you wouldn’t be able to praise me anymore. You also wouldn’t be able to pick up my sweets or understand any of my great deductions! Not that you’re capable of really doing that now, anyways…”
The great detective seems eager to hit you where it hurts today. Ugh.
“Yes, Ranpo-san, I suppose that’s right…”
“So,” Ranpo barrelled on as though he hadn’t heard you speak at all (in fact, he didn’t even deign to look in your direction whatsoever), “Obviously, I wouldn’t still love you if you were a worm. You’re fine the way you are…I mean, you’re no me but you’re not a complete moron. If you keep thinking about stupid things like this, you might actually end up even more dumb. How annoying would that be?”
Undoubtedly, still less irritating than you, Ranpo-san.
Dazai blinks, his gaze languid despite his theatrical attempt at miming thought. A pale, slender finger reaches up to tap his chin in a repetitive motion that your eyes immediately dart to. You don’t know why you asked Dazai this question in the first place – his answer was certainly going to leave you some sort of regret no matter which direction he leaned towards. You’re just about to take back the hypothetical entirely when Dazai suddenly claps his bandaged hands together and smiles down at you.
“Let’s break this down, Y/N-kun!” Dazai’s voice was far too cheerful for your liking.
“We, uh, really don’t have to, Dazai-san–”
The words, you knew, were a futile effort. Dazai certainly seemed to agree as he waves you off with a flippant motion. Theatrical it is then…
“No, no! I insist. Let me see…a worm lacks all semblance of emotion and cognitive ability. It cannot show affection nor form any sort of bond with another. It spends the entirety of its very short life wriggling around in the dirt with no other apparent goal in sight…”
Dazai ignores your words entirely. Instead a beaming, slightly blissful smile crosses his face.
“Ahhh…it sounds like the perfect life, doesn’t it, Y/N-kun? I can see why you’d want to be a worm. I’m now quite jealous of them myself! Life can be so unfair…if I were to flop around in the soil completely bare and covered in slime, Kunikida-kun would certainly try to kick me…ugh.”
Any other person. You could have asked ANY other person.
“That sounds…uh…frustrating, Dazai-san…”
Dazai nods rapidly in agreement. His face droops in an overt attempt at coming across as heart-wrenched.
“If you were to become a worm, I suppose I’d do my best to still love you…” You narrow your eyes slightly, not believing his words for a second, “But it’d be sooo hard not to kill myself out of jealousy! Really, Y/N-kun, you’re a terrible person for making me think of such horrifying things! How am I supposed to get any work done now?”
Of course. YOU’RE the terrible one…ugh. Maybe you should steal his idea and kill yourself to get out of having to hear his voice for even a few more seconds.
“Dazai-san,” You say (quite calmly, in your humble opinion, considering the amount of irritation that was coursing through you), “I am very sorry to have upset you like this. Let’s talk about something else…”
Dazai’s eyes glimmer in amusement. He lumbers forwards slightly so he can grin down at you.
“Well, if you insist. I thought we really had an interesting conversation going here. Alas, it seems Ranpo-san’s desserts come first! Let’s get going then!”
Somehow, despite all his ramblings, Dazai didn’t even answer the actual question. You wonder if that was intentional.
