Abuse Excuse

Excuses perpetuate abuse. Learn to let go of yours. __________ Abuse, identity, neurodiversity, behavioral disorders, PTSD, CPTSD, image/body issues, and anything else relevant and important.

[abuseexcuse]

Had a good experience on RAINN. I did the anonymous chat.

First person was very 'it's not you're fault someone else DID this to you' which was super validating. Comp died, did it on phone, second person was very nice and gave good coping and communication advice. The second person was awesome. Like, listening and validating in a way that calmed me down awesome.

It might be kind of hit or miss depending on what you need and who you get, but you can always get a different person to talk to if the first one isn't helping in the way you need.

[abuseexcuse]

Reading this for me, sharing it for you

[abuseexcuse]

Question [assault/rape mention]:

[tw: assault, rape mention]

If you’ve been around here for a bit, you probably know I’m a survivor of sexual assault, rape/coersion and all that jazz.

I feel like I’ve done a LOT of work in building up trust, trying to like, be in charge of my sexual experiences, learning to trust my body again and feel safe in it, etc. etc.

So. the best way I know how to say this is that I was recently assaulted by my fiancee.  We both have a history of sexual trauma, for me that mostly looks like having issues with receiving sexual things/problems with boundaries and saying no, embarrassment and worry about sex and my body. For him that looks like shame and embarrassment about sexual feelings, not initiating, having trouble being assertive and communicating. Also, he knows that I have problems with dissociation, which I’ve worked on in therapy, and he also knows that I used to dissociate during sex. Like, it was a regular thing with the partner right before him. 

We’ve spent years building up trust, and communicating with each other and have done kink stuff and have always checked in with each other-- if something wasn’t clear, or one of us got quiet, we’d stop and check in, and then usually have the go to continue, or take a break, or stop if we needed to.

In this instance, this did not happen.  I started dissociating hardcore bc my body went into ‘freeze’ mode because it got signals that I was not safe, and AFTERWARDS he said it was weird, and he didn’t like that I wasn’t responsive-- but I was Not Okay. And he did not stop or check in or ask or anything, which is VERY UNUSUAL. Also, he was apparently nervous and having issues with staying hard -- that’s normal! It is fine! nonconcordance is a thing and there are other options available! -- so his answer to that was to just be super rough in an attempt to like, help him? Feel things better? 

From what it sounds like, he could have been dissociating a little, too? His mental state was definitely not good.  But he didn’t stop or say, hey can we do something different, NOTHING.  There were visual and auditory clues BEFORE I dissociated completely-- during oral I almost threw up (that happens occasionally because I have a little bit of a gag reflex, and we always pause), I was obviously not enjoying it, AND I was trying to pull away to make it less intense, which he would not let me do, and afterward, I said “Hey, that was a bit too much, like too rough” 

Which he apparently did not hear or notice. Apparently he was also unaware of me pulling away or having any issue. So, after that, it does travel into rape territory. 

I was super upset about not stopping it or doing more to stop it, and was blaming myself.  Then when I explained it to my best friend, he asked if I was dissociating during, because it sounded that way, and, lo and behold, I was. (He’s only recently learned about dissociation and a lot of my trauma stuff, so he asks about it fairly often to check in with me/understand it better).

I only told two people about it after it happened (this happened on the 16th, like 2 and a half weeks ago).   I suppressed it for a while because I had a lot of stuff to do for the end of September, but this last week I’ve actually had time to start processing things, and it is not great.  The one friend asked about pressing charges, or if I needed to see a doctor, but I didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything and I wasn’t bleeding as far as I could tell, and I didn’t really want to (I figured it would be more harm than it was worth, esp ‘proving’ the assault), and I wanted to like, move past it. 

Which was difficult because I was sore for over a week. My voice was messed up and my skin was like raw. 

A lot of past stuff has come up, and I don’t know. I don’t trust him any more. I feel sick and scared when he hugs me. 

We’ve only talked about it once. In which I said. “If I can’t trust you to not assault me because you’re having an issue and you’re stuck in your own head, I can’t trust you.” 

We had sex once somewhere near the end of September, the 25th or something, and it was okay. I was trying to like, have things go back to normal. After that I think things started to sink in and I’ve withdrawn a lot. I sleep in a different bed and I don’t like changing in front of him (which is something I would do in front of friends).  

I’m super upset and really want like, safe physical contact, but I don’t even know where I could get that from that it would feel safe and not be read as some kind of romantic thing. My best friend would, but he’s a guy and I think that would freak me out right now.

If anyone has any advice, at all, on how to talk to my fiancee about this, or things I could do to feel safer, or you’ve been through something similar, or ANYTHING, please help. I am at a loss, and I think this might be the end of the relationship. 

Also, feel free to PM me or reply to this or reblog with a reply. Whatever.

[whyistheworldlikethis]

First Time Walking-Stick/Cane Users Tips

I’ve seen a post about first time wheelchair users guide. Since I’ve been using a walking stick for a while now, I thought I’d make one specifically for these types of aids. These will be in no particular order– they’re just things you probably don’t know about using a walking stick.

- if you’ve hurt you left leg/ect., hold the stick in your right hand (if possible) and if you’ve hurt your right leg/ect., hold the stick in your left hand. Trust me, your shoulders and back will thank you

- the pad of your hand will hurt– it just will. You’ll get used to it and your hand will develop more protection there eventually. To start out, look into a pair of fingerless gloves. 

- a fold up/collapsable stick is good for beginners because you can take them on public transport/cars without too much hassle (they also fit nicely into desks and under chairs).

- When you’re using your stick, you only have one free hand. This may seem obvious, but it really impacts your every day life. Practice for a while around the house, so you get the feeling down.

-there are a lot of different types of walking sticks: fold up, one leg, two legs, three legs, etc. 

(these are only a few of the many designs)

-if possible, go to a shop that specifies in walking sticks. ask to try a few out, they will also help make sure that you’re using on that’s the right height for you.

- a height adjustable walking stick is a miracle, especially if you want to wear high heels to an event.

- you don’t need a prescription to get a stick in most regions (but in some cases they may help get a discount)

- getting a stick that is the right height for you if very important (even with an adjustable one). Too short, and you’ll hurt your shoulder. Too tall, and you can’t put weight on it properly. The correct height is when the highest part of the handle reaches your wrist when the stick is standing straight up, as shown in this image.

- if you’re young (under the age of 60) people will stare, often they wont mean to– it is annoying but you’ll get used to it. 

- again, if you’re young, people will ask why you’re using the stick, all. the. time. Even strangers will sometimes ask. You can use a really simple answer like “medical condition” and if they pry further, you can say “That’s all I’m comfortable saying”. If they don’t know you, or don’t know you well, they really have no business asking.

-Children will ask, a lot. Please be gentle with them, especially if they’re really little. I know it’s annoying but you can give children reallllllllly simple answers like “I just need it to help me walk” and most of the time they’ll be perfectly content with that and won’t ask more.

- don’t be afraid to use more advanced mobility aids if needed on bad days, or when readily available (eg. at a supermarket, when they have motorized wheelchairs for customers)

- You don’t have to use your stick every day for you to have a disability or for you to own a stick. Even if you need it once a week, once a month, you can still own one. You’re not less worthy or a mobility aid than those who need one everyday. 

-Use backpacks, the ones with 2 well-padded straps that go over your shoulders evenly. Use them as much as you can. Bags that you hold in one hand or have one strap make you unbalanced or take up your only free hand. 

- If you want to, decorate your stick, go all out. 

Even if you don’t need/use a walking stick, please reblog this to let those who do, know this information. 

[resistdrumpf]

Enrollment for 2018 Affordable Care Act (ACA / Obamacare) starts November 1 and ends December 15. Trump (what an asshole) reduced the ADVERTISING funds by 90% to announce when people can enroll. Spread the word.

[odinsblog]

And to make registration even more difficult, Trump will also be shutting down the ACA registration website on Sundays “for maintenance” during peak registration times. Plan ahead. Get registered.

[bpdshitposts]

[gogomrbrown]

[rootfauna-deactivated20180326]

This Needs to be Said

The shooting in Las Vegas was terrible, but it was by no means the largest mass shooting in US history. The Mandalay Bay loses no significance by not being the largest mass shooting in the US. However, the actual largest mass shooting in the US DOES stand a lot to lose by being forgotten, and the two events go hand in hand. 

In 1890 more than 200 unarmed women and children and dozens of unarmed men were slaughtered at Wounded Knee. 

US soldiers surrounded a Lakota village and demanded the men with firearms hand them in. One man, Black Elk, was deaf and didn’t understand what was being asked of him. The US soldiers tried to take his gun by force and in the scuffle it was accidentally discharged. The US soldiers then began to shoot the Lakota men at point blank range. The Lakota men who still retained their firearms returned fire and tried to take shelter. The rest of the village FLED. 

That’s when the commanding US officer lost control of his troops. The began to chase down and slaughter the fleeing Lakota without instruction to do so. No military order was given. Hundreds were murdered. 

Does that sound like a battle to you? When we hear the word ‘battle’ we tend to think of two opposing military forces, both armed and prepared for combat. Calling this event ‘the battle of wounded knee’ and not remembering it as a mass shooting erases the vile acts of the US soldiers. The fact that they happened to be in the military means nothing. In fact, some of these monsters received a medal of honor for the massacre (which, to my knowledge, have yet to be revoked despite urging from Native communities). 

What’s the connection between this and Vegas? The US soldiers are the people held up as shining examples to Americans, particularly white American males. While ‘Wounded Knee Massacre’ paints them in a negative light, ‘The Battle of Wounded Knee’ paints them as heroes. Even more recently military men who have expressed delight in killing get movies made about them. White men killing people with guns is PRAISED here. So take a white male, give him these men to look up to, and give him easy access to guns. Those things might not create a murderer, but they sure as fuck don’t help. 

So remember the Mandalay Bay shooting, the second largest recorded mass shooting in US history, borne of the same issues that caused the first. 

[minuty]

[topherchris]

Three simple things we all know

1. Mass shootings are a daily occurrence. We only hear about the most “newsworthy” incidents. The Mass Shooting Tracker keeps a log, and it’s horrific to take in.

2. This level of gun violence is completely preventable. We absolutely already know that gun control saves lives, no matter what a politician has told you.

3. The government can’t seriously work on this problem because the National Rifle Association will not allow it.

But we should investigate Planned Parenthood some more.

[topherchris]

I posted this on October 1st, 2015.

[bogleech]

Things food snobs are wrong about

“Organic” isn’t better for you or for the environment. It actually means nothing of any significance at best and is sometimes even the more wasteful, more hazardous option.

A shitload of “natural” food including a lot of imported produce is grown and harvested through slave labor in inhumane conditions.

Pizza, fried chicken, french fries, fast food, candy bars and chips ARE nutritious. They are loaded with good things. Just because they have an abundance of excess fats and might not be healthy as a staple doesn’t mean they are “nutritionless” or that their calories are “empty.” Those are hokey buzzwords pushed by the people in charge of how much you pay for the alternatives.

Eating healthier costs more. Much more. Looking down on people for their reliance on cheaper food is extremely classist and expecting everyone to be able to live off fresh veggies and cage-free meats is insultingly unrealistic in the modern world.

“Processed” literally only means the food went through some kind of automated process. This can be literally the exact same thing a human being would have done to the food for it to be labeled “unprocessed.” Being processed does not make something less healthy.

Chemicals with long, scary names are part of nature. An apple is full of compounds you probably can’t pronounce. A shorter ingredients label only means they didn’t bother listing all 300 things the product is actually made of and HAS to be made of.

Preservatives, artificial flavors and other additives are not the devil. Most are harmless and in general they are part of the reason you haven’t already starved to death or died of a food borne illness.

MSG is not bad for you at all.

The fact that something might be made of “scrap” meats like pig snouts or chicken necks only means one thing: that we didn’t waste perfectly normal, edible meat.

I DON’T KNOW HOW I FORGOT THIS IN MY FIRST VERSION OF THIS POST BUT GMO’S ARE NOT DANGEROUS TO EAT. GMO’S ARE SAVING LIVES. YOU’VE ALREADY EATEN GMO’S BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW THE TERM. IT’S FINE. EAT THEM.

[pastrygeckos]

It pisses me off when big time chefs go “guys do you not know what goes into canned meatballs? They’re disgusting!” yeah parts of the animal they don’t use for anything else and also they’re tasty fuck you

[mangonetics]

@lazysatyr wanted sources so here you go

Organic farms produce up to 25% less food for the same amount of land used as opposed to conventional modern farms, and almost never produce more food.

Organic farms also, due to the nature of organic food being more labor and resource intensive, rely strongly on slave and underpaid labor even in America.

It is harder to back the nutritional value of greasy foods, but typically known fatty foods, such as red meats, cheese, and various oils, are found in diets that are intentionally high in fat, but low in carbohydrates. THese are called ketogenic diets and oddly enough are considered quite healthy and good for weight loss.

The Harvard School of Public Health conducted a meta-analysis that found healthy eating habits cost about $1.50 more per day than if someone were not as health-conscious.

“Processed” is so vague and broad that you could define almost every food ever as processed unless you plucked it from the ground yourself.

Alpha-Linolenic-Acid, Asparagine, D-Categin, Isoqurctrin, Hyperoside, Ferulic-Acid, Farnesene, Neoxathin, Phosphatidyl-Choline, Reynoutrin, Sinapic-Acid, Caffeic-Acid, Chlorogenic-Acid, P-Hydroxy-Benzoic-Acid, P-Coumaric-Acid, Avicularin, Lutein, Quercitin, Rutin, Ursolic-Acid, Protocatechuic-Acid, and Silver are all chemicals found in apples.

Turns out excessive preservatives aren’t super great for you. Traditional ways of preserving foods, such as pickling or dehydrating, aren’t bad for you but things like nitrites in meat are.

However, artificial flavors are more often than not the exact same chemical one would find in nature, except synthesized in a lab. This means they can be produces in greater quantities and with less harm to the environment than by extracting them from natural sources. Again, there is no chemical difference whatsoever between natural and artificial flavors, the difference is only where they come from.

A horse’s worth of MSG injected into a mouse will cause health problems, but people are not mice and we don’t inject it. No consistent negative health effects have been linked to MSG.

I could find no material that references pig snouts and chicken necks as any different from meat from the more commonly eaten parts of those animals. Most people use them in soups to make a stronger broth, since they do contain a lot of flavor despite not a lot of tangible meat.

GMOs have no negative health affects, as has been shown by countless studies for the past couple decades. Crops are genetically modified to allow for healthier alternatives to pesticides, high crop yields over a smaller area of land, and reduced consumption of water and fertilizer by the crops. GMOs are much better for the health of humans, the environment, and society as a whole in the long term.

[bogleech]

Hey thanks! I didn’t add sources to the original post just because I thought it was minor personal venting and not something that would get tens of thousands of notes.

[jumpingjacktrash]

quite frankly, just about anything you eat is a GMO, it’s just been modified by centuries of selective breeding. drought-resistant rice isn’t a mad science monster. please calm down everyone.

[higglety]

the whole exact reason we started creating fertilizers pesticides and GMOs was specifically to increase crop yields. that’s it. that’s the reason. Organic farms are all well and good but they don’t produce food efficiently. that’s one reason organic produce is more expensive - because there is less of it (and because of the increased labor required to produce it).

[justalurkr]

All of this. The green revolution was to keep us from starving to death when our population exceeded the natural carrying capacity of the planet a few billion people ago. That’s always been my biggest bone to pick with the “industrial food chain evil!” crowd; what is their plan for feeding eight billion people with arable land for four or maybe five?

[bogleech]

I got another burst of angry “healthy eaters” commenting on this so I’m re-re-re-reblogging the version with sources and some of the better recent additions.

[allsortsoflicorice]

I thought everyone might enjoy this cheerful article

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/only-60-years-of-farming-left-if-soil-degradation-continues/

[cameoamalthea]

 Good point. 

@bogleech ‘s post is a about “food snobs” which to say people who insist other people are unhealthy and criticize them, even when they don’t really have control over what they eat due to cost and food deserts

That doesn’t mean organic food is bad. As pointed out in the article linked above, we are on the brink of global disaster and wide spread famine due to soil loss and:

“Organic (farming) may not be the only solution but it’s the single best (option) I can think of.“

However, the switch needed isn’t about people barely scraping by on minimum wage ($7.50 an hour) spending twice as much money or more on organic food.

This chart has a break down. 21% more bread, 49% for more for apples, 94% more for milk, 134% more for ground beef.

That data is from 2011 and it’s probably worse now. “Organic” is marketed as a luxury and priced as such. It’s billed as ‘more healthy” and being able to afford to eat “real” “whole” foods is a status symbol, a lifestyle choice of those who can afford it. 

The “free market” is not going to solve this problem. The Free Market doesn’t factor in damage if it doesn’t effect company profits.  So species ending, world ending problems from over fishing to global warming to the fact we might all starve to death within the next 60 years can’t be solved by consumer choices. Specially when environmentally friendly options are treated as a luxury.

Price aside, many people can’t eat organic foods because there’s nowhere to buy them. Most convenience stories only sell cheap snack food. Any fresh produce at all is a luxury in many places in America and there is no good affordable public transportation. 

America is the richest country in the world and we have standard of living, but basic things like eating fresh fruit is a luxury.

To solve this problem, food snobery needs to stop. Organic foods can’t be a luxury. We need government action, be it through subsidies to regulation, to make all food organic and sustainable. We also need to end myths about GMOs, because GMOs are important part of a sustainable organic future.

 We need to raise awareness about patent issues around GMOs (i.e. for the first time ever you can patent a living organism. In the past, if you bred a better crop (see concord grapes) you could sell your better grapes and the seeds, but after that others were free to cultivate them without paying you. Now mega corporations own patent rides to all seeds, forcing farmers to buy new seeds from them. We shouldn’t give companies power to own the food supply). 

We need to change our infrastructure and end food deserts. OP says:

Pizza, fried chicken, french fries, fast food, candy bars and chips ARE nutritious. They are loaded with good things. Just because they have an abundance of excess fats and might not be healthy as a staple doesn’t mean they are “nutritionless” or that their calories are “empty.” Those are hokey buzzwords pushed by the people in charge of how much you pay for the alternatives.

But the fact they “might not be healthy as a staple” for many people they are a staple. We should be upset abut the fact that so called “empty” calories are cheap and easily available to all while healthier options are now. Eating health shouldn’t be a luxury. 

And again, ending food snobbery is part of fixing this problem. 

But I don’t want there to be any confusion that having a diet made up of “Pizza, fried chicken, french fries, fast food, candy bars and chips” isn’t fine. You just shouldn’t feel bad about it if it’s all you can do.  I’m from the projects and I get it. We need cheap and fast. What I’m saying is we should be angry that cheap and fast doesn’t include healthy options.

Healthy food shouldn’t be a luxury.  (and those who guilt others for not eating healthy are part of the problem, you’re making it seem like a choice instead of a infrastructure/societal problem) 

[bogleech]

best addition and best points yet; sometimes in arguing with people about how things are I still forget they don’t have to be that way if the culture could just change for the better.

[abuseexcuse]

Brief update

I had been away from tumblr for some time, working on personal things, trying to get my life in better order, etc.  I realized, though, that this was something I missed, and wanted to do again.  So I am back! 

I’m super busy with work for the next week, and then starting a new temp job, but I’ll be around.  

I hope you are all well, and I will come back and update on my progress with health and relationships when I have more time!

Thanks for sticking around! 

[weavemama]

Malala really is a class act for standing up against the horrors many women and girls face around the world. She needs to be protected at all costs, bc the world needs more people like her.

[twinkest12]

A Hero.

[unitedrussia-remade]

let’s talk about a ptsd thing that’s called sense of foreshortened future. i don’t see anyone ever talking about it here and i think that it’s important that people know that what they experience is nothing but another symptom of their mental illness.

So what is it?

Basically, sense of foreshortened future is a feeling or a belief that for some reason you won’t have a long and fullfilling life. You feel like you will die soon – or sooner than expected – and therefore you shouldn’t make any long-term plans. You try to avoid long-term relationships, you don’t have any career plans, reaching your birthday - hell, sometimes even managing to surivive the week surprises you. 

You feel like you’ll never have a normal life because you’re not only broken beyond repair but also can’t trust anyone anymore. It is an incredibly depressing feeling that makes you feel like there’s no point in… anything, really? Every activity becomes dull and pointless and you don’t know what drags you though life at this point.

I know it won;t make the feeling go away but I want you to know that this feeling is NOT a reflection of reality. You’re not broken beyond repair and you will have a normal happy life if you work on your recovery. making plans is not pointless. You deserve to be happy and you will be happy. Don’t let PTSD and its symptoms convince you otherwise.

[abuseexcuse]

Speaking from experience as someone who has worked on emotional management for a while-- these feelings still happen, but they pass much more quickly than they used to.  

Telling myself to just take it one day at a time during the harder parts has helped a lot.  I never understood that idea until, like, a month ago.  For me, it’s “I only have to deal with making it through today.” And I tell myself that the next day, until I feel like I can start planning two days ahead, three days ahead, etc. It’s sp much less overwhelming to think that you only have a few hours to manage, and then just telling yourself that again when those hours have passed.

[ace-thinks]

Something I wish I'd heard earlier

Good reason to have a sexual/romantic encounter:

•You want to

Not good reason:

•You feel like you have to

Remember kids, Your first kiss, crush, significant other, sexual encounter, romantic heartbreak, etc. is NOT some special rite of passage you Must go through in order to count as an adult or whole person or whatever. Don’t subject yourself to something you don’t actually wanna do just to “get it over with” cause you feel like you have to.

[abuseexcuse]

(Also relevant to being in a sexual relationship with someone)

[purplebuddhaproject]

https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

[we-the-survivors]

We Are Survivors

[emotionalabuseawareness]

Reblogging again because someone asked for citation. It’s not a direct quote from a study report.

There are several studies that have found out that the areas of the brain that get activated when experiencing rejection are similar to those that get activated when experiencing physical pain and that the brain uses similar mechanisms to deal with social and physical pain.

More:

Broken Hearts and Broken Bones: A Neural Perspective on the Similarities Between Social and Physical Pain

Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain

Sticks and stones: Brain releases natural painkillers during social rejection, U-M study finds

A pain, by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in social and physical pain.

An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection

Psychological impact of social pain: The pain that doesn’t heal

—

Disclaimer: Not sharing because of the website linked in the pic, only because of the photo and the sentence. I don’t agree with several articles from that website.