I found an old short story I wrote about fourteen years ago when I was at college and living in Edinburgh. Probably not what I would write now but I remember writing it for a competition that was supposed to be inspired by the word ‘north’. I remember finding that a bit boring but the Slayer song South of Heaven made me think of hell and became the basis for it.
Darkness surrounds me. Well… not darkness, as it’s just black. I can’t see the floor beneath my feet or the walls that should surround me; I cannot even see my hands flapping in front of my face. I can just make out the sound of my shirtsleeves brushing against my chest as I try to see my hand inches from my eyes.
This sounds weird, as though it is just the voice inside my head, rather than a sound being projected across an open space. I feel confused now. Where the hell can I be and how the fuck did I get here? I blindly reach out to the sides, half wincing in case I hit my head on some invisible obstruction I expect to be there. Nothing! Not within arms reach anyway. I scuff my feet a bit and hear something loose like gravel or a rough stony surface. Slowly shuffling to my left I feel for a wall or a surface. Nothing!
I hear some noise now. Tiny pitter-patters like water dripping down a rock face. It seems to be coming from the floor next to my left foot. I slowly kneel down to bring my ears nearer to try and distinguish what this could be. I feel some hard objects crunch under my feet and knees as I transfer my weight. I reach down to inspect this with my right hand. It feels slightly warm and rock like, but I can feel something powdery as my fingers caress it. Curious, I sniff, wondering if I can place it somewhere in my memory. Dust goes up my nose, making me sneeze. Odd, it’s like charcoal. This is perplexing, where could this be?
I feel totally bewildered now. Could I have gone blind? What did I do last night? I don’t think I was getting fucked, so there’s no reason to be tripping. But it feels like it. Somewhere unreal. Then again, maybe I’m not. Maybe I am just drunk? Could I be drunk? Have I done something to my eyes in a campfire whilst pished? What was happening last night? I am sure this is still mid week and not a night out. I wonder what else could be near me to give me some indication. A beer can, or someone else’s comatose body in a similar state to mine. I reach my left arm down to brush this cinder-covered floor for invisible clues.
In front of me, just a couple of inches in front of my first excavation, it ends! I feel the edge as more lumps of debris crumble and fall. I hear the same sound again. It is these light chunks of charcoal tumbling away into some unknown depths! I can feel my breath deepen and the sweat start to ooze out of my pores. My head lurches and I feel sick at what could have happened had I shuffled forwards and not to the left. I can feel heat rising from my body. Panic could be looming.
I have to know somehow. I feel to my left and feel this same uniform carpet of crunching burnt fuel. I evaluate my position and decide that backing away from the edge is my best bet. At least I will be away from the edge. God knows how high it could be, and heights have never been my strong point. I hope we didn’t do anything stupid. What if we had been drinking ethanol or some other fucking chemical? I mean we aren’t dumb fucking Neds. We are sophistos who like to sample the interesting range of mind-bending escapes from our reality. If someone conned us and I am fucking blind, I am going to fucking kill them! I just have to get away from this fucking place first! I suddenly have an idea, assuming my ears aren’t damaged somehow as well. I cup a hand full of small chunks from the ground and chuck them gently in front of me. I hear them land softly. I shuffle forwards and try this again. I hope it will hit something. A tent, a person or something metallic like a beer keg I can reassure myself with. Nothing!
What if someone did me over? That could be possible. Maybe they kicked the crap out of me and left me somewhere. I mean there are some wankers in my line of work! Maybe they hoped I would fall off. It wouldn’t be murder then would it? Why now though? I don’t think there’s a reason. That dealer we kicked out of the club last week didn’t work for anyone. It’s not going to be his mates then, they’ve not got enough balls to tackle us. And I don’t think the pushers have a quarrel with us right now! But checking my body I can find nothing awry. I can find no cuts, no bruising and no torn clothes. Definitely not a fight then!
Man I can’t think. I feel something then. A gust of warm air blows gently towards me. That should be a good sign, although I am not quite sure of what yet. I hobble forwards like a paranoid rabbit, still testing the way with small handfuls of rocks.
Hang on though! I can hear falling rocks again.
I hope I am wrong, but I think I have fully imprinted that noise firmly into my memory. I have arrived at another edge, or, I have gone full circle and come right back. I don’t think I have travelled far enough to rotate three hundred and sixty degrees though. It feels identical. I am stunned. My mind has gone blank. This is just totally unfathomable to me. I know of no place like this. Just fucking amazing! I am blind on some narrow cliff pass in the middle of fucking nowhere! Just fucking great!
I can’t despair over this; I have come through a lot in my life! I am not going to sit on a path and cry like a pussy with no sight.
Or am I? Christ, I might at this rate!
Don’t give up. I mean the path must lead somewhere.
It just might take a while. I’d better start now. I turn to my right seeing as I have already travelled this direction a short distance. Why back track? I run my hand along the edge to my left to guide me. I shuffle on, determined to get away from this place. I can feel my knees rubbing raw on the path below them. I just want to get to a car park, get help and get to some safe haven where I can nurse my wounded pride.
It feels strange that the edge is so crumbly. I would have imagined some fence would be appropriate to stop small children or dogs falling off the edge. I wonder that there seems to be no plant life. No tough heather clinging to the sides of this goat track. I wonder if it is day or night, not that it would make much difference to me right now.
I suddenly choke, my simplistic daydreams ruptured by the harsh reality I am confronted with.
No wall or solid mass confronts me. Just another decaying edge and space. What fucking path is this, a deserted viewpoint maybe? I scream out “WHICH CUNT DID THIS TO ME???? I AM GONNAE FUCKING CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!!!!!!”
Man, I can feel pinpricks in my eyes as small drops of moisture squeeze their way out of my tear ducts. I am really sobbing now. Where, how, who, what? I just have no answers. I drag myself round and start crawling back the way I had just come. It feels slightly smoother where I have flattened this cinder path. I can feel the dust rising around my face. Fuck caution now! With warm tears flowing and this bitter burnt mix of sweat, tears and dust covering my face, I painfully scramble on, following the edge with my right hand. My only thought now is to get away and reap vengeance on the person who put me here. I am moving quickly now. Repeatedly moving my arms, putting weight on my feet and then transferring onto my scuffed raw knees. I feel crunching again and know I am moving along a path I have not trodden already.
I suddenly stop, paused in mid lurch forwards. An overwhelming sense of fear is gnawing at my stomach ripping my insides out of me. The path crunches under my palm. It hadn’t been like this retracing my first vain steps. Then it was powdery dust that I could feel going into my eyes and into my mouth and nose. It hadn’t been walked upon.
It hadn’t been walked upon.
This repeats like an echo in my head.
No one had walked upon it! Absolutely no one! How had I got there then?
I feel bile making a forced upward journey and gag, retching onto my hands and the ground in front of me. Disgusting, bitter acid fills my nose. This is hopeless. I just don’t understand.
Of course… the path is wider! Who would walk at the very edge? Anyone else could see and just follow the path. No blind man would come this way! I try to breathe deeply and calmly through the dust and bile. I hawk and spit away in front of me to clear my airways. I have got to keep on moving.
I get one more hop forwards before I make contact with nothing. Again!
This suddenly feels ridiculous. Like this is some practical joke. It can’t be real. There’s no way I could have got here blind and on my own. Maybe it is a joke? I might not be blind. Maybe it was a spray of some kind? Am I being filmed for some fucking bullshit reality television show? I had better not! I move back from the fourth drop and slowly shakily stand upright like the man I should be. I scream out “ I am gonnae sue your ass, you fucking cock suckers!” I worry about this now. What if they don’t help me, to see what state I can get into? “ I know your game!” I holler, feeling somewhat helpless. This feels somehow deadened. There is no echo. I must be in a studio. I suddenly worry in case I have no rights. What if my girlfriend agreed to this? What if I cannot sue these corporate bastards?
Suddenly, a shot of narrow light fires vertically down some distance in front of me. Startled after this time in the dark, I am just relieved I can see. I realise that the light is travelling a long way. It is so high! It just doesn’t seem to stop. It’s like some amazing Hollywood special effect, a massive towering beam of brilliant white light. Magic, maybe this was worth it. Hey, I might even get paid! I rub my eyes and glance down at my dim figure suddenly self-conscious about my appearance.
Suddenly it tilts towards me; so bright! I look down and see my ragged blackened chinos, a solid layer of charcoal on my raw seeping knees. My silk shirt is wet with sweat and has black streaks running through it. The sleeves rolled up, I see the state of my forearms. Blackened and scuffed raw from feeling my way. My hands need a hot soak and a good manicure. I wipe my face and see my hands run black. Man I wish I had a mirror, or a camera. What a sight eh!
I look up and am instantly blinded…
Screaming in agony, I defensively drop into a crouch! Fuck! My eyes are burning! So painful, like having acid poured into them. I slowly stand; shielding my closed eyes, quite unable to believe the light could hurt so much. I can feel the pain burning into my skull. My head raised, I clean my hand and reach up to gently touch my closed eyelids and measure the damage inflicted. It feels untouched, but my eyes are two hot coals inside my head. I raise my left hand to block the light from my face. I open my eyes grimacing, but determined to find the cause.
Although the sensation is unbearable, I can see, in a fashion. I see my raised arm as though it is translucent, a shimmering light running through it. I can see the light behind my hand piercing directly through making me scream again. My lungs rattling and my face blistering I reach up and gingerly touch my eyes. More searing pain as my fingers make contact, as though I have dipped them into molten rock! I yelp and snatch back my wounded hand snapping my head down to see how these too could be inflicted. Instantly I feel a rush of warmth down my cheeks, over my lips and I see that my three fingers are burning. The white light within me is burning with a strange purple flame. So intense! I look down rapidly; sensing that what was first warmth is now more extreme heat burning through me. I can feel my whole face burning and my chest is also simmering like boiling oil has been poured over the top half of my body. I can now only feel this ultimate heat and pain. And it spreads quickly!
I beat at my chest and face with my left arm whilst attempting to dowse my right hand. My mind screaming more than my voice, seeing this only adds to the pyre I have become. Only setting alight areas of my body which had remained untouched from the first purple flames! I see drops from my eyes have splashed onto my legs and the cinders below me, and, like molten plastic, started small fires in each of their tiny locations. Somehow my eyes are alight and this liquid fuel is burning so very hot. Like my very spirit; somehow ignited, through the very windows of my soul, by the white heat I gazed upon.
My head burns as the flames from my eyes lick upwards, over my eyebrows and make my hair into a human torch. My body becoming completely afire as all my white essence is consumed by this greedy purple entity. Like a small child watching flames chasing petrol, it is morbidly fascinating to see my body in turn act as such a catalyst for this reaction. The pain has reached an immeasurable frightening intensity, unwavering, as there is no fresh fuel to ignite. Through this haze of choking heat, flame and purple haze I see my body is intact. Something inside of me, my essence I’m sure. My soul is burning! I want to writhe about to smother the flames, but I see the cinders beneath me heating up. Already absorbing the energy I am giving off and beginning to give off a dull red glow. So futile!
I stand erect with arms raised and roar in anger, pain and confusion. I raise my head and see the light still pointed directly at me. It is so intense, but now no more painful than the rest of my tormented body. I fix it with my gaze and scream directly at it. “WHY?”
Suddenly I feel slightly cooler like a gust of air has wafted past. I look at my arms to see if I am still a grotesque burning wick.
Instantly the heat comes back! Hotter than before or maybe not, it is maybe hotter due to my brief respite.
Suddenly I come crashing down into the hot cinders, scattering them away. It feels like from some height, crashing into the platform and collapsing, snapping my right leg and bruising my side in the process. Burning, in pain and now winded. The jarring agony combines with my white heat and I feel like passing out.
But my body is not dead; there is nowhere to go but here.
I flounder about in these burning embers like a dying fish out of water. Gasping for air in the smoke arising from this flaming base I am perched on.
Looking above me the white light fades.
Around me it gets brighter.
The blackness around me slowly illuminates like coal warming up. This picture takes on a non-too-subtle red hue. I think the speed is more for psychological effect than lack of power, like realisation finally dawning. I see innumerable pillars of black rock rising out of glowing pools of lava and fountains of liquid fire. Somehow pulling myself onto my knees, I see I am not alone. On every pillar there is a flaming figure, caught in their own flaming macabre dance. Realising where I am, my last dregs of sanity and hope are dashed. Somehow dead and abandoned into Hell! I scream, my tortured voice joining the rising cacophony and mingling with all who never made it.
Dammed to an eternity of this, because I didn’t realise I was being given a chance!
I scream out “HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW, I ‘M A FUCKING ATHEIST YOU WANKERS!!!!”
‘Time’s up!’ a disembodied voice suddenly reverberates inside my head.
I suddenly jolt in my harness, breathing in heat, smoke and blackened fiery dust!
Opening my lungs to scream I choke and gag. I try to wrench my arms to move my weight off my shattered leg now making contact with the flaming floor.
My eyes flash open with fearful anticipation. What entity should I have to confront down here?
The technician is looking at me with a bemused look on his face as he rolls the disconnected VDU’s fibre optic VR cables back up “Some fucking journey man! You gotta have some kind of complex to waste money on these machines, especially for this kinda entertainment!”
