one of the hard parts of the internet is the way that it's co-opted therapyspeak. because the truth is that many of the concepts introduced via instagram blurbs (like "narcissist" and "gaslighting") are very complicated things. like, people usually go to graduate school to be therapists, and yet we just accept the veracity of a slideshow that says things like "how to tell if your partner has narcissist eyebrows."
because, yeah, actually, protecting your peace and cutting someone off is a super important thing and i support you if you had to go no-contact with somebody. and also it just really isn't the right choice for a lot of people/relationships and shouldn't always be the immediate choice when conflict arises.
but trying to explain that there's nuance here makes you sound like an absolute monster. because yeah, you deserve to set real and important boundaries! but also - things like the silent treatment are not boundary-setting. fair and consistent boundaries are not punishments. they're supposed to be collaborative and well-intentioned for both parties.
and the trouble is that this co-opting of therapyspeak is genuinely very dangerous. one of the ways my ex would fuck with my brain was that she would yell at me for hours - no matter how calm i stayed, no matter how many apologies i gave her, she would spiral into infinity. at some point during every argument, if i fucked up or said the wrong thing or raised my voice at all: the topic would become about how i was reacting, how i am the problem. she would say "you're responsible for your actions" - which like, i am. obviously. when i would try to explain that i was reacting to her yelling, i'd be told - "so you blame me and you're turning this back around on me."
and since i'm an empathetic person who really does want to be on my partner's team, i accepted that i was the issue. because taken out of context, no! i do not think she "deserves" to be yelled at! i shouldn't have raised my voice or gotten mean. but also - this is how i got trapped in the cycle of DARVO. and i am genuinely worried that if it happened to me, it's happening to other people. because yeah, when she tells that story, i am sure i sound terrible.
toxic people know you care about being a good person, and they use it against you. and unfortunately the internet has made it easier than ever to victim-blame. it's so easy for them to say you're "gaslighting" them, because what argument do you have against such strong language? they know if they tell other people "she was manipulating me," they're going to get sympathy. meanwhile, your head feels like it is spinning because - if you had emotionally manipulated them, wouldn't you have actually, like gotten something out of it, eventually?
emotional maturity and compassion is so much more important than knowing the "right" thing to say, and it's also way harder. emotional maturity unfortunately requires that people accept their own flaws and responsibilities. learning how to be mature and safe is just not going to be sold on the internet - because it's not a commodity. it's a lot of time, energy, and healing.
and i know AI is making it worse. chatGPT is not a good resource. she will tell any person they're right even if they're actively stabbing somebody. it's a feedback loop, endlessly.
and i just don't know there's a name for the feeling that you get when you have done the work and gone to therapy and then somebody is like - a sign someone has narcissism is when they hold their pen in this particular way. and you're sitting there, having spent however many thousands of dollars with a nice lady in a cold room discussing your feelings and you're just like - there is someone out there who genuinely believes that reading this instagram post is equal to the work of genuine personal growth.
i don't know. i can't even tell you google terms like that because google isn't real anymore. but good lord. the whole thing is alarming.
