Xuebing Du
Monterey Bay Aquarium

if i look back, i am lost
Today's Document
Three Goblin Art
AnasAbdin

#extradirty
DEAR READER
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
cherry valley forever
sheepfilms
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2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
hello vonnie
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Not today Justin
KIROKAZE

izzy's playlists!
Cosmic Funnies
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

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@aegosake
googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much
I actually, genuinely think social event aftercare would fix me. I need someone to put me to bed and say "you were fun today and no one hated you"
I theorize that for every gmmtv actor First kisses, Khaotung gets a character with debilitating parental trauma/ a dead parent.
Fadel amping up his affection for Style, showering him with unabashed display of love is closer to reality than a ruse. He's convinced himself that *all that* is his carefully calculated ploy and not how he actually wants to show his love for Style. He's practically just role playing the reality he would like to have and the excuse that it's all just play is how he truly let's himself have a taste of what it could be like.
just woke up in a cold sweat because i think i’ve realized exactly what all the fucking religious symbolism is actually pointing out and like hoooooly shit. holy shit.
the fact that bison wears a jesus shirt in his fantasies of killing kant has been nagging me since the moment i realized it and i think i’ve realized why it is - and the reason for all of the things pointing towards and symbolizing bison as jesus.
it’s because that’s how bison views himself. not as actually jesus and the second coming, no, but he views himself as righteous, as a reckoning for all these people that they kill. he believes their mother when he says they only kill bad people, and that’s why he gets so much enjoyment out of it, why he involves himself far more in it than fadel, who always detaches himself. it’s why he delights in the idea of killing kant now, fantasizes about it, because he thinks that’s what’s right. kant betrayed him, and he’s a good person. he’s righteous. so that means kant deserves to die for it.
and that’s why kant is judas the betrayer AND john the beloved. because when bison knows it’s coming and turns a blind eye, he views himself the same way as jesus turning a blind eye to judas’s betrayal. and he’s the one the makes kant into john the beloved finding the tomb empty first because he hides from him (notably after kant had confessed to not wanting to lie to bison anymore)!
bison views himself as righteous. as jesus.
but he’s not. because jesus would never take joy in killing anyone. jesus would never have fun with it, in the same way bison does. and even if he did, jesus wouldn’t want to stop to date.
but you know who doesn’t take joy in any of it? who detaches himself from it? who seems, in the very least, suspicious of their mother?
you know who’s birthday is on christmas?
fadel. and if fadel is jesus… then bison can’t be. actually, i think that might make bison far closer to judas the betrayer. and that’s just awfully poetic, isn’t it? because didn’t judas think he was doing the right thing, too, when he sold jesus out? when he took money in exchange for telling the soldiers which one jesus was? just like bison thought he was doing the right thing when he told kant to get fadel off his back. just like he exchanged his brother for a lover and took them both down in the process.
I'm simply tiered from the effort of attempting. And failing. And doing it again knowing it would go nowhere. But there used to exist, or still exists as an illusion, a slightly successful, smart, and creative somebody whose skin I wear each time I walk out the door. And sometimes in places where my suit fits too tight I feel what they're made of and in those moments I breathe through their mouth and speak their tongue, and everyone around me sings along. Except I come home and peel the skin off. Let it hang next to my vanity and I look at it longingly each time I see my own reflection and sink into dispair.
How do I explain the guilt I feel when an avid romance reader asks me what my favourite romance novel is and I tell them 'oh I don't read romance novels' and they assume I'm one of those haters who belittles and condescends the genre of romance.
when in reality I live and breathe romance every second I can spare except its between my emotional support queer losers from a fandom I've been part of since twelve and their love means the world to me and I devour entire epics worth of fanfic each night and wake up each morning at the altar of my lord and saviour AO3 praying for the next chapter in the 1352783 word fic that's my current reason to live.
*exhales*
A comic based on this poem
I find it really interesting that I rarely see pure First love. Like, most ppl who comment on his acting mention Khao in some way? At least, when commenting on his performance in FirstKhao-centric shows.
And I understand it's part of promoting as a pair and whatnot, but Khao seems to get a lot more kudos to his acting than first does? For example, I saw a comment on an Only Friends reaction regarding FirstKhao's amazing acting and chemistry. And I was expecting someone to reply agreeing and saying that they are both amazing actors, because they are, but instead they talked about Khao's ability to pull out amazing acting from anybody he works with, even the most ok actors. And I don't think they meant it like this, but couldn't it be read as kinda a diss on First? They didn't comment on his talent at all...
And ya'll, I am biased, so I am aware that anytime one has a "favorite" it seems like they don't get as much recognition. And that might just be what this is! But, I just feel that with as much recognition Khaotung gets for his acting (rightfully so, he's crazy talented), sometimes First just... seems to get the short end of the stick w/ compliments and recognition? He's an amazing actor in his own right and I just don't seem to see ppl say that very often!
It's maybe the roles that the both of them get assigned? I've noticed that there is a recurring pattern on Khaotung characters prone to being extremely emotionally expressive. I'm not saying Firsts aren't expressive enough or that he isn't doing a good job delivering, which would only be a complete fucking lie.
But Ayan, Gaipa, Ray, they've all had their moments of breakdown, the catharsis of tears that often become the points of merit. It's often those scenes that are brought up while discussing Khao's acting. (Yes I am aware we're all talking about him embodying all his characters in every breath they take and no, no one could've played them better than Khaotung.)
The point is, often times emotionally explosives performances are referenced as the epitome of acting and while First has had his fair share of such scenes, the magnitude of their contexts are nowhere near the same. It hurts more to see Gaipa mourn his mother and Ray's battle against himself than Alan grieving a relationship or Sand's measured stoicism.
Khao has had the chance to nail more such roles compared to First. First's characters have more or less been reigned in, subtle in expression, always scrambling to swallow the storm type of characters. Be it Akk or Sand, they're written to choke down their feelings.
And First does it so well! It's simply incredible watching him every minute detail that flits through and how much storytelling it does. We do talk about it. The viewers, and the fans definitely do.
But yk who I wished talked more about this? The actual creative team begind the series, the writers, the directors, the show runners, the award jury, yk people whose acknowledgement and appreciation earns him more opportunities. I've always felt that they don't talk enough about him and his acting, the behind the scenes (at least for Only Friends) don't spend time on First and his before and after of a taxing performance. He's mentioned briefly, or talked about in association with Khao and there's nothing more.
Biases aside, it's a simple truth that First deserves nominations and awards. The impact of those is immense and he's proven himself time and again. He deserves to go places and people who know this, and is capable of doing something about it(and benefits from it), truly needs to act.
I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF
This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.
Then bring me luck
the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work
And notice the potato doesn’t guilt you with “if you don’t, something horrible will happen.” Potato wouldn’t betray you like that, because potato is a refined person of good humor and character, and understands that, sometimes, a visit to your dashboard just isn’t convenient right now. Sometimes you just went on a fandom gif reblogging spree or your energy is low, you do not have the time to make your dashboard suitable to guests, and a polite visit just isn’t in the cards. Potato understands this, and doesn’t get upset, or gods forbid, throws a tantrum and wishes ill on your household. Instead, Potato merely stores away their blessings for a later visit and leaves as a good friend should.
Be like Potato. Be a good friend.
i know what i want, potato, come through for me!
I REBLOGGED THIS AND NOW I FIND OUT I PASSED ALL MY UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAMS WITH GOOD GRADES????
So. You're telling me love at first sight is basically eye-rizz?
Oh lord my most beloved First Kanaphan is so ace coded. Idk how to explain this but he is.
You know that moment when you realise hey, this is so out of character of someone and you can't even justify it because it's probably the creators trying to achieve something at the expense of the nature of the character. You just know the character would otherwise never.
Yeah that's how the whole Sand entertaining Boeing as much as he did felt like.
Nothing about Sand up until that moment justifies how he tolerated Boeing. Sure he has a hard time saying no to people, especially those he cares for. But it's also limited to people he sees value in. And does it make sense that Sand would see any value in Boeing after he suggests that Sand cheat on Ray?
He just got together with someone who he confessed he cannot live without and you're telling me Mr. I-know-my-worth-I'm-nobodys-backup would let the dude who dumped him for someone else talk him into rekindling something romantic? That Sand would entertain someone (a cheat), who suggested that he stoop so low and cheat on his boyfriend? Hurt Ray the way he was hurt? Really?
It makes no sense and offers nothing more than shock value which was pretty frickin unnecessary. We've had 11 episodes of intense drama, thank you. You can go back to wrapping it up nice and tight.
No seriously. Imagine Ray getting all over Sand to ward Boeing off. When he sees the message isn't clear enough he'd suggest a threesome in hopes it work out like it did all the other times but Boeing says yes and Ray visibly bites his tongue and Sand just chuckles at the turn of events, shoots a "Sorry, I have no plans on sharing my boyfriend" at Boeing with his eyes on Ray and drags him home and teases the hell out of him in the car and they kiss and cuddle!
That could've been it! Who asked for this last minute chaos damnit!
five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
Power by Isak Danielson is such a RaySand coded song it's almost as if they're alternating the lines. Also the entire vibe is them.
Y'all can we please just stop making them cry?! I get it, it's so wholesome and heartwarming to watch them gush about how much they love each other and how inseparable they are. We love FirstKhao for that. But good lord we've exhausted every iteration of the 'one without the other' question.
Is it even coming from a place of sincerity anymore? We've watched it happen too many times. I'd love to see them start that conversation, talk about it, and cry all the rivers they want. But to ask questions and lead the dialogue to the same point of breakdown? Yeah, maybe not.
And tomorrow I will let the ocean in. I will wade into her waters, let her fill my cracks and crannies and seal my nostrils and sweep me off my feet I would watch the stars and pretend to know their names, look to them to lead me to places I don't yet know My emptiness is what keeps me afloat Yet I would tell them I've made good of their predictions, there is an ocean inside me And tomorrow I will let her in.