unemployed disabled trans person here. unable to work as i heal from multiple physical and mental issues. looking for help covering bills and necessities this month. setting a tentative goal of $350 but anything hugely helps.
or: luka's big beautiful dirkjake dump as a nuanced jakeliker (warning LONG POST with CORRECT GRAMMAR)
A few disclaimers:
I’m not trying to stake my claim on any “correct” interpretation. It has been a bit since I finished my reread, and the quotes here are mainly out of pesterlogs whose context I recall only from memory, so I’m sure it won’t all be by-the-books accurate. That aside, I’m just here because I’m fucking crazy and really want to talk about my DirkJake thoughts.
A lot of my opinions are amalgamations of other deconstructions I’ve read (borzoilover, optimisticDuelist, Casey Jarmes etc), to which I’d like to doubly emphasize the above point—if it seems familiar, that’s probably cuz it is! I'm not original!!
THE REAL SHIT
ON DIRK AND JAKE: BRIEFLY
First, I will establish in brief my readings of their characters. This'll be reiterated in a bit more detail under the cut.
In my eyes, DIRK is a deeply self-loathing, conflicted trans boy who relied on media to learn about personhood while in isolation. Though first appearing as a cutting control freak (and let's be real, he is), Dirk is not as good a manipulator as he believes himself to be. The Prince of Heart destroys Heart — soul, identity, desire, impulse — in others, yes, but also destroys through an overabundance of Heart. He is a fifteen year old who believes he is evil and tends to serve his heart beating on a platter to all his friends. Wants to be a useful asset. Clingy; starved for contact in a way that has him never feeling full. Acutely aware of roles within the group, eg who is or is not acting as 'leader'. His attitudes towards romance/sex are borne from the internet and anime.
Meanwhile, JAKE is a "cis" "boy" who projects the persona of, and orients his expectations around, the movie heroes he grew up watching. He is not dumb, but tends to lean on plausible deniability + social expectations in order to affirm his ideas of what the world should be. The Page of Hope must learn to stop relying on others for, and eventually harness, their own Hope — manifestation, idealized future, what could be — to grow as a person. He wants to be admired, loved, and important. It’s just that, right now, to be admired and loved and important is to be A Man, something he feels he is not. So instead, he relies on others to construct opportunities for him, which feeds into his already non-confrontational nature. His attitudes towards romance/sex are borne from popular movies (often those with machismo).
They both want control over each other, whole.
Jake wants to affect Dirk — to see that his actions are substantial, that even the facade is working, to be genuinely acknowledged by others.
Dirk wants Jake's affections — we already know he’s clingy. He villainizes himself so much that it loops back around, weirdly, and makes him even more dependent on whatever love he might receive. He wants Jake to be available for him and act as a sort of center, lest he be stranded.
...with all of the above acknowledging that they're just misled, socially stunted teenagers.
Something I particularly enjoy about their dynamic is how their respective posturing and ideas of romance/masculinity interact. Let’s just get it out of the way: it goes badly.
Here’s the way I see it.
Both Dirk and Jake want to be idolized. Dirk gets this from Jake by building him the Brobot, impressing him with sheer knowledge and control and coolness; Jake gets this by capitalizing on Dirk's obvious crush on him; and both espouse conventional standards of masculinity in completely different directions, which are, to the other, the impossible ideal.
Masculinity is crucial to talk about here, particularly in Jake’s case. See, here’s my take on Jake and romance. He is enthused by the idea of silver-screen relationships, but finds himself falling very short when it’s time to actually participate in one; if anything, I read him as having a relatively flippant/apathetic attitude about the concept of love itself. Based on the short bit in the Jane conversation, I imagine he doesn’t really care all that much about gender in the romantic/sexual context (I would actually argue much less so than Dirk does).
GT: But then...
GT: Later i started thinking.
GT: Maybe i was being kind of unfair to him in the first place?
GT: I mean by saying we would be a good match only if he was a girl.
GT: Like is that last condition there really all THAT important?
If anything, his constant assumptions of romantic interest are less genuine yearning and more another facet of his movie-star-hero aspirations. Having babes off the arms is a movie trope, a status symbol, but not necessarily capital-L Love. This isn’t me saying that he can’t romantically love—my personal headcanon is that he’s demisexual, or at least on the aroace spectrum—but that he is initially more interested in the fantasy of it, a sentiment I have seen echoed by sex-favorable asexuals. Crucially, a hypothetical fantasy, without any real “you” in the mix. He’s down with the idea of being pined after at the surface level not because he’s genuinely interested in romance, but moreso because it checks off another box on the Real Man List—the Real Man who is notably not him.
In terms of affection and vulnerability, both are starving; the difference is that Dirk is never satiated, ravenously hungry (and self-hating for it), while Jake suffers from a kind of metaphorical refeeding syndrome, quick to overwhelm and scare. Interestingly, I find this reflected in their respective projected selves: Jake’s bravado and adventurous dreams are inherently individual, the one male Hero and distant admirable figure, while Dirk’s focus on leadership is actually more community-oriented, controlling and protective—though misled.
I feel this also comes into play with how these personas are reaffirmed or threatened.
Jake has a tendency to ‘cast’ people in roles and quietly, through passiveness, leading questions, and faux-obliviousness (or otherwise plausible deniability), set up certain interactions to go whichever way would be most comfortable while upkeeping his adventurer image. I am thinking particularly of the Jane confession here, by the way.
(The above is a pasted image that I couldn't be arsed to get out of my notes and actually transcribe in a smart sounding way. alt text available. yay)
All that to say, Jake relies on his friends as sounding boards that can bounce back the image of the man he thinks he should be. His posturing is not for the sake of his friends as much as it is for himself—it affirms that he is (or is at least convincingly appearing to be) the brave renegade, and lets him occasionally sidestep the complicated gray areas of friendship.
On the other hand, Dirk keeps up a tightly-wound demeanor as a means to have a sense of control, yes, but also because I deeply believe he sees himself as a predator. Something to be stifled and limited, overflowing with manipulative, desperate wants, that cannot be ‘let off the leash’ or else someone will be terribly hurt. He does not trust his own motivations; there’s always the chance that they’re deeper, darker, and so well-hidden that he, in the throes of cold-heartedness, barely noticed to begin with. I read Princes as people that are tormented by an overabundance of their Aspect, and therefore destroy it/destroy through it… this is mainly because of Dirk. He is positively drowning in himself, his identity, his desires, his trajectory as a person, all of which are ill-intentioned; therefore, he uses the persona to try and ‘save’ his friends and tighten himself up such that none of the ugliness inside can ooze out. There is still an element of thinking he does know better, for the record, at least in those early logs referring to how he comments on Jane and Jake. He does use his friends and assumed position as leader as ways to reaffirm his own sense of control—but, in the bigger picture, these are mostly efforts to protect the others, rather than himself.
Now, this probably sounds like me demonizing Jake and advocating for Dirk’s innocence. What a subversive spin on the popular Dirk-bully and Jake-stupid-victim narrative! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! not at all. I think that both are terrible for each other, but just as inevitable, and capable of growing into more stable people. There is no “good” or “bad” party. Just fucked up, undersocialized, unstable kids with communication issues.
In particular, Jake often operates largely off his emotional whims. If one big emotion blows his way, he’ll take it and go, “yup, this is what I am now.” This, of course, leads to a lot of end-of-comic self loathing, but also to an extent begets his hollow, unyielding faith in things. A faith, a belief, that is very convenient in not rocking the boat, not questioning his manly persona, and not lingering on the decisions he makes (or at least trying not to).
Remember the above when I say: he is an incredibly vulnerable, insecure, and sensitive person who is so easily taken advantage of and belittled. It is SO easy for him to lose hope in himself. And by the end of Homestuck, it would make sense for him to never believe in anyone again.
The end of his arc is a wet, infected wound, ending on the conclusion that he cannot believe in or love others, much less himself. He has played his prescribed role in other peoples' lives, and made others play a role for him, passively watching on and trying to tip the scales in his own favor, always to his own eventual ruin.
Ultimately, he is scared of people finding out that he is not the man he promised.
But Dirk knows this.
THAT is where this all comes together, in my view. The core of Dirkjake’s relationship, past being good buds, is an unspoken dancing-around, and mutual knowledge, of the other’s insincerity. Something that is as special as it is raw and dangerous.
When I say dangerous, I am talking about how their very senses of self are balanced by neither person ‘breaking the bit’ and saying exactly what they know the other to be. I would consider this aspect of their relationship as based on a sort of play, a mutual knowing that both are aware of but neither acknowledge.
I don’t think there’s too much overt evidence for this in-text, but it’s how I choose to interpret bits like the below given Jake’s well-demonstrated awareness and flirtation towards Dirk.
GT: Hehe. You nerd.
GT: Hes got your slick japanese spectacles and everything.
GT: Why is this a metal man before me or is it none other than dirk strider himself in my room??
TT: One thing at a time, bro. I haven't quite figured out a way to get myself there yet.
GT: It almost sounds like this is something youve given some thought...
Their exchanges are catty and tongue-in-cheek. They both know what’s up with the other’s persona, they do the same thing, but it is entirely unspoken, only jabbed at in subtext. In this case, however, it is just TEXT:
TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure.
GT: I do!
GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.
GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win.
“Manicure the image.” It’s not shit your pants over a good adventure, no; he is acutely aware about the persona-crafting going on here.
Admittedly, it comes from the maw of AR, but I still find it applicable to Dirk’s character and therefore knowledge of Jake considering that AR is modelled on his brain.
Here are a few other snippets that I read as being tongue-in-cheek:
GT: The last thing i need on my bday is another installment of and i quote manbro bukkake theater.
TT: You still don't actually know what that means, do you.
GT: Not really? Its your friggin figure of speech man. I gathered it just meant getting slimed like in ghost busters or somesuch.
TT: Kind of. I told you to look it up.
GT: Yeah yeah. Im a busy fella dirk!
GT: Wikipedia is a lot of letters to type in a thing for a man of action on the go.
GT: Im always doing adventures remember?
^ this REEKS to me of the exact coyness I’m describing — he knows that Dirk knows that it’s an overblown charade, and pokes fun at it. To anyone else, he might seem genuine. But “Im always doing adventures remember?” seems more like a sly jab at insider knowledge.
GT: Nor am i a quaint man of the past. Pardon me but do i SOUND like some trollycar bellwether toiling in the heart of the mustache belt from the ruff n tumble year of nineteen aught nine???
TT: ...
TT: He said unironically.
GT: Give me some credit man and some to yourself as well. You are too modest about all this robotics noise.
^ can you see it under this lens? How playful it is? The tonal switch on Jake’s part? I love reading this as both of them being in-the-know to an extent, and dancing around it; pretending that Jake was saying such a thing unironically. Maybe I’m delusional, but what I see is beautiful.
What of Jake’s knowledge of Dirk, however?
Well, for obvious starters, he has knowledge enough to create a “startlingly close approximation to the real” Dirk in BGD. We know this.
I also find this exchange to be an interesting moment of lucid acknowledgement:
GT: Just a big poof of smoke where it was standing. So i lived alone in the jungle ever since.
TT: Huh. I've wondered about all that.
GT: Well you never asked!
TT: Oh I know. I would have. But asking about your past would have just been inviting you to do the same. You know how it goes.
GT: Indeed.
Indeed, he is aware of how both he and Dirk feel better off never discussing their own pasts.
GT: And his responder which i guess is really a part of his personality even if he doesnt like to say so...
GT: It kind of lets on a lot more than dirk ever would. Its almost like its this weird clone of himself playing passive aggressive matchmaker between me and his real self.
He knows that Dirk, like him, obfuscates large parts of himself.
Jake liked that he could see Dirk. Jake liked that Dirk could see him, and like what he saw. He liked that he could affect Dirk and knock him off kilter a bit—that he could best Dirk—or at the very least enjoys the prospect.
In Dirk, Jake has a tangible effect on the world, an observed impact on someone who is deeply closed off. His image is working. He has some semblance of agency, not playing by the whims of loneliness, fear, bloodthirsty monsters, and objectifying figures.
On the other side, Jake is so passive and non-confrontational that it makes Dirk believe that any direct pass he makes at him is too overbearing, presumptuous, and predatory. Jake, being a sort of in-the-moment feeler and thinker, tends to assume that people will just kinda catch on to whatever he’s doing, whether it be self-isolating or being frustratingly vague.
This isn’t true all the time, however. Jake vocally struggles with Dirk’s cryptic nature, especially in the face of his splinters. SO, yeah. We’re there. The lack of communication.
Practically every early pesterlog featuring Jake has him asking about how to reach Dirk. He’s aware of Dirk’s cryptic conversational chess moves, and how they might extend into other actions he takes, eg Brobot or leaving AR on. This bit here is especially poignant, where Jake wonders outright whether Dirk is “testing” him:
GT: I hope the far fetched scenario i have described has adequately communicated the severity of my robotic buttwhoopin!
GT: Does this mean i passed the test or whatever the fuck.
GT: Can your robot drop the bullshit and give me the uranium now or what?
(Small aside that’s more about Jake’s character than anything: can you see the insane switch-flip in Jake’s attitude and typing style here, when his charm/image alone doesn’t get him what he wants?)
Jake likes to please and placate people, especially someone he admires like Dirk, and gets frustrated when they can’t just have a “simple”* (read: Jake’s definition of simple) relationship without the subtext, implications, and blind turns.
In the midst of these frustrations, I believe, is fear. If Jake worries that everything is a test or otherwise game with Dirk, that very assumption could be proven by Dirk’s clinginess when Jake doesn’t respond. He thinks Dirk is overly sensitive and likely feels like he’s stepping on eggshells around him, worried that he’s going to “fail the test”, whatever that means.
And on Dirk’s end, as I've mentioned, he sees everything he's wanted relationship-wise in jake, but feels like he must starve himself as to not meddle and ruin everything. He thinks that Jake is not gay, that Jane has a better chance, but tortures himself over the possibility that Jake dangles in front of him.
Thus, a lot of tiptoeing around and frankly bizarre mental gymnastics ensue, where Dirk is interested in Jake, and may want to send those signals, but doesn’t want to ruin what he already has. For that reason, I feel that, at least in the alpha session stage of their relationship, Dirk could also be very hot and cold! I just think he was far more demanding than Jake—not necessarily in a bad way, maybe in an over-reliant way, but ultimately in a quite incompatible way. It’s understandable. For someone who hates themselves so thoroughly, how could he not cling on to the one person who believes in him, who admires him, who gets it?
TT: But you believe me, right?
GT: Oh yeah every word of it!
TT: Wow.
GT: Why shouldnt i? You are my friend and i trust you.
TT: I still just think it's impressive, is all. Even after all this time. You are pretty much a one of a kind dude.
GT: Heh not really i just like believing stuff and believing in people.
But Jake really, really just misses his best friend. I write this like the two of them are Machiavellian puppetmasters—but, again, I’d like to emphasize that they’re just teenage boys with communication and gender issues that feel beholden to a certain set of expectations. The MAJORITY of what I'm headcanoning here is subconscious, or otherwise mentally shoved in the "let's not address that" box. Jake just wants to talk to the real Dirk again, without the mind games and diversions!
A really striking moment in terms of their relationship is when Jake says that Dirk holds himself “accountable”, unlike the rest of his splinters. He wants that humility, that even playing ground, even past his own personal ambitions and self-image; he just wants his friend back. Be Dirk and Jake again, and not whatever mess this has all turned into.
GT: Like har har i have the same basic personality as dirk but without any accountability or anything so let me just be kind of flippant and mess with this jake fellas head!
And Dirk is both pulling off a lot of his aloof theatrics in order to protect Jake or his showing off a needy soft underbelly in order to quell his own self-doubt, ultimately because he wants to keep Jake around. He doesn’t want to scare him off or leave him unprepared in the face of danger.
…
So, of course, neither of them talk about it. That’s the Alpha Kid patented thing.
TT: You do realize he's coming for you.
TT: Dirk. In the real world. The man has his designs.
GT: Yes. I know.
TT: Wanna talk about it?
GT: With you? No!! Thats like...
GT: Thats like talking to him about it which is like really jumping the gun i think.
They both have personal stakes on the line that could be threatened by trying to confide in the other in a genuine way. (Though I do have to give Dirk some credit here. He did express that he felt Jake was being inconsiderate.)
In conclusion, I would say a certain exchange from Peep Show season 3 episode 5 sums up their whole deal pretty well:
“Have you told her you love her?”
“Are you kidding? That’s like firing first in a duel… if you miss, you’re fucked!”
But remember... once, they were both kids growing up completely alone.
I like to think both leaned on the idea of one day meeting each other.
* Now. When I say Jake’s idea of a “simple” relationship, I am speaking of his specific perspective on romance. I also know that what Dirk is doing and all the ways Jake has been misled is genuinely not a simple relationship! All in all: Jake generally likes things straightforward, playing out as they ought to be, like a movie scene. He enjoys the freedom of being able to disappear on a whim, being unconstrained, because he doesn’t necessarily seek out romance of his own accord. I think he’s definitely into Dirk, for the record (and have a sneaking suspicion based on the dreambubble log that he may have been the first to develop feelings, but that’s neither here nor there), but he’s put himself into a predicament. By engaging with the relationship as seriously as Dirk is, he’s opening himself up to deconstruction and commitment and staring consequences in the face. This isn’t easy to sidestep via plausible deniability anymore. In general, as a stupid, 16 year old boy, I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too: he wants Dirk as a best friend and romantic partner, and all the admiration and affirmation he would receive from such an arrangement, but doesn’t want to get caught up in all the “unnecessary”, sticky, complicated implications that come up in that kind of dynamic. He wants to still be able to brush things off as he can with, say, Jane or Roxy.
Posting this for my soul cat Kenzie (she passed a few years ago but I still think of her every single day) and for everyone else who has lost someone they love. ❤️
Did you sell a Nintendo Wii to The Cave in the greater Sacramento area?
I just bought one and it's got like 400 family photos on it.
Personally, all my family photos from like 2003-2014 are locked on some inaccessible hard drive that's probably been lost or thrown away, so if anyone had my family photos from 2006, I'd like to at least see them before they're deleted. If this is your vacation to Yosemite, your dog, your 2-year-old's birthday party, your trip to the park, please contact me [you can send this blog a tumblr ask even if you don't have an account at 20dollarlolita.tumblr.com/ask or you can email me at pink @ pinkandthekeytarcat.com (I'm pink and my cat is the keytar cat)].
These pictures are all separately named so please tell me the names of people in the photos to verify that it's you. Photos from a 1gb wii SD card aren't going to take up too much space on my computer so I'm going to just hold onto these. If they're yours, or you can contact anyone in the pictures, please let me know. I'd like to reuinte them with their owner.
I don't usually ask for signal boost but if anyone wants to help me out here, feel free to boost.
This is Good Bi Gender. A comic I made to express some feelings I have about my gender. I don’t really have that much else to say about it. Here it is.
[Image Description: A digital comic made with sharp, angular abstract lines and only the colors white, blue, pink, and black. The featured character is all white, except for facial features and hair colors, which changes from panel to panel. The comic reads: Cover Panel: The text “Good Bi Gender”, the words colored with the trans flag. It shows a glitchy person’s face, half pink and half blue. Panel 1: White text reads: “Hello. My name is apparently irrelevant. And my pronouns are he/him and she/her. But you can’t call me she/her. And here’s why.” Someone with a half-pink and half-blue shirt looks to the side. One eye is covered with hair, and the other eye is pink while the iris is blue.
Panel 2: The character sits happily, imagining facial hair and a masculine voice. “I don’t want top surgery. I love my chest. And I dream about being on testosterone someday soon.” The character looks at a phone, frowning. The phone shows the male symbol with an “X” through it. Text next to it reads: “People don’t seem to think that the features I dream of are very pretty though… Or they think even worse of them than that…”
Panel 3: The character’s features are all pink, and sits in a blank frame. The character reaches over to a blue frame, frowning. “I don’t like the animosity. I really despise it.” A photo of the character shows an all-blue frame and blue hair, with pink outlines and facial features. “To be a boy… I aspire to be one. I aspire to be masculine in all its handsomeness. All its prettiness.” Panel 4: The character sits in an all blue panel, but reaches back out to the pink panel. “And I’m still a girl too. I was so excited to have both. To love both. To have handsome femininity. Beautiful masculinity.” The frames break and connect, and pink and blue swirl together. The character smiles in between the frames, with one pink eye and one blue eye. “So excited. And yet I get asked…”
Panel 5: Two hands hold out two different pills to the character, one blue and one pink. They ask “Male? or Female?” using the male and female symbols.The character, facial features an array of pink and blue, looks between the two hands, distressed. “It’s both! I’m both! They’re not opposites. Not narrow boxes. I say I’m both despite the insistence that I can’t be. And I know what I look like. I know I look like a girl to most. I know that if I say people can call me she, that’s all I will get from most. Because it’s “easier”. It “makes more sense”. To have my masculinity, I am often forced to be unflinching in it and it alone. To never use she. Because if I don’t, I will never get to have he.” [The words “she” and “he” are italicized.] Panel 6: Text reads: “I’m still very happy to be so comfortable in my identity. To know, despite all that, that I am indeed a boy and a girl and both. But you know. Telling people to only use he/him for me. Guarding my masculinity all just to have it. All at the expense of the part of me who is happily and unashamedly a girl.” The character cries from one pink eye, the other hidden. The character holds a pink girl in a sea of blue, the girl crying out. In the midst of the blue, text reads: “Well, it fucking breaks her heart.” End ID]
Edit: @starberry-skies wrote an ID for the comic, so I added it to the og post with its permission!
jimmyeatworldofficial
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
2087
tangentwithtanner
dailybridgerton
