Just a Little Disordered

[alittledisordered]

Sooo.

I keep going back and forth about my diet. On the one hand, maintaining keto is a bitch. I'm someone who (strictly judging from the "symptom data" I've collected over the last few months) has an extremely low threshold for getting kicked out of ketosis. I've heard that some folks can eat as many as 30-50 grams of carbs a day and it's smooth sailing.

I... am not one of them. It's nothing but chicken and eggs and like 15 net carbs' worth of fibrous veggies for me, or I'm stuck in that foggy "in-between" state, where I think my body is still trying to operate on whatever meager carbohydrate stores I give it instead of ketones. And that. Feeling. Sucks.

But whenever I try to balance my macros a little more, I find it extremely challenging to maintain any kind of caloric deficit. I'm not gaining heaps of weight, or anything. It's not as though I introduced a daily apple to my diet, and all of a sudden packed on pounds of fat.

But when your alarm goes off at 5:30 am, and you work 10 hour nursing shifts, the energy peaks and slumps that occur throughout the day can be difficult to manage. I usually don't have the energy to work out in a deficit. I haven't been lifting or progressing in the gym in any meaningful way. And I feel as though I'm constantly fixating on food, considering my next "micro-meal," filling up on apples and Greek yogurt and other high-volume foods only to feel desperately hungry an hour later.

And my relationship with the scale is still clearly s***.

I decided to do another three day egg fast this past week, because I saw my weight creep just over 130 lbs again and I wanted to see how much of it was water weight retained after introducing a moderate amount of carbs back into my diet.

Pre diet weight: 131.3 lbs

Post diet weight: 127.6 lbs

And now I'm at a crossroads. Once again in a comfortable and controlled state of ketosis. No energy crashes. No hunger migraines. No late night cravings, or obsessive gum chewing, or trying to find ways to "hack" my hunger.

But like.

How long can I keep this up?

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I held out all month- since Thanksgiving!- until Christmas Eve, when my future sister and brother-in-law brought over a decadent chocolate and marshmallow buttercream frosted yule log to Christmas dinner.

Aaaaand I was officially kicked out of ketosis.

And I didn't die.

Nor did I die on Christmas day, when my mom made fudgy chocolate donuts from scratch and served pasta and pizza for dinner. (My sister's vegan. Just what our disordered dinner table needs.)

I didn't dare weigh myself. The sense of guilt and lack of self control was overwhelming, even though I in hindsight I had pretty reasonable portions.

But not gonna lie.

When I got home, I hit up another four-day egg fast in an attempt to "course correct."

And this morning, post holiday. Post egg fast.

127.3 lbs

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Post egg fast weight + two days of regular keto:

127.8 lbs.

I think... I need to step away from the scale again. For real. I'm clearly maintaining a very narrow "setpoint weight" range between 126-130 lbs, and I don't need that number distorting my sense of self-worth every time it fluctuates up a little.

I've been strength training since April. I've been putting away protein like nobody's business.

The fact that I'm only about 3 lbs heavier than my absolutely starved-out lowest weight? After months of deliberate and intentional muscle gain?

I should be freaking stoked.

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Ugh. Eggs.

I'm on the third-and likely last- day of my egg fast. Definitely haven't seen the dramatic "post Thanksgiving" carb-induced water weight drop off this time around.

My weight on day #2?

130 lbs. An increase. I was tempted to jump ship, but figured that there were some menstrual-related fluctuations at play. I dutifully ate all of the omelets, cheese, chaffles, and hard boiled eggs I had prepared for my work day.

My weight this morning was 128.9 lbs.

While certainly not as successful- nor as motivating- as my previous egg fast, I did at least come away with some new recipes. "Egg loafs" were NOT amongst my successes. (All that butter and cream cheese, just for it to taste like... wet, eggy disappointment? Zero stars. Never again.)

I will almost certainly be making chaffles again, though. And I even started experimenting with copy-cat recipes to make those "Egglife Wraps," and found out that if I blast my egg whites in a blender with some xanthan gum and vanilla, they make for a decent... "pancake adjacent" wrap. Still a little eggy for sure, but dusted with cinnamon and sugar-free maple syrup? Not bad.

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After a more relaxed week during which I enjoyed a few of my old favorite low carb standbys, (helloooo peanut butter cookies) I did regain some of the weight I lost during my first egg fast.

My extremely menstrual weight this morning was 129.6 lbs.

I was a little better prepared for this fast. Last time, I just ate whatever we already had stocked in the fridge, and basically subsisted off of hardboiled eggs, string cheese, and egg beaters.

Today, I had:

Three eggs over easy with a little lite butter.

Three egg beater omelets. (Not all in one sitting. I'm not a lunatic.)

Two chaffles with more lite butter and cinnamon.

2 oz of Muenster cheese

One serving of string cheese.

2 servings of egg loaf.

In the realm of 1500 calories, 160 grams of protein, 86 grams of fat, and 9 net carbs.

I was able to find time to walk on the treadmill for about an hour at a low incline, and prep some more chaffles and some hard boiled eggs to take with me to work for the next two days.

Going into this thing ready.

[alittledisordered]

Well. Time for another stupid "faddy" diet.

During my weight loss phase last year, I dropped 20 lbs over about six months. I've spent the last eight months lifting weights and trying to give myself some definition, and gained back almost 10 lbs of (hopefully? mostly?) lean muscle.

I haven't been entirely comfortable on my high volume/low calorie, "balanced" diet. The fibrous, FODMAP-rich foods that I've been eating to try to manage my hunger were leaving me so distended at the end of the day that I was occasionally waking up the next morning feeling bloated and crampy. (Why do you hate me, broccoli? Why?)

I would scarf down a huge omelet, a bowl of diced apples, and Greek yogurt- and feel my appetite ramp up a half hour later. My energy would tank halfway through my 10 hour nursing shift. I always felt hungry and moody and deprived. I went through several packages of Trident bubble mint gum a day, trying to distract myself from my endless cravings.

It made me miss the focus and control of keto. Sure, I always ended up screwing it up and knocking myself out of ketosis by succumbing to all those "keto friendly" processed snacks and protein bars and ice creams.

But when I was in full blown ketosis? Nothing beat it.

The mental clarity. The self control. The complete absence of energy slumps.

I decided to try a 3 day "egg fast." Three days. Nothing but eggs, butter, mayo, and cheese. It wasn't a low calorie diet, but it only netted about 5 grams of carbs a day from the limited amounts of cheese.

This time last week, (after two robust Thanksgiving meals with friends and family) I weighed 132.7 lbs.

Yesterday morning? 126.5 lbs.

(Water weight. Water weight. Water weight.)

Still. That extra 6 lbs of water and bloat makes a visual difference. I can see all of the definition I've trained for over the last few months. And I feel good.

The egg fast was actually really easy for me to follow, too. I'm used to a certain amount of repetition in my diet... and I really like eggs. This might be the perfect "hard reset" whenever I accidentally knock myself out of ketosis.

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Engagement photos came back from a little over a month ago. I'm not entirely in love with the way I look, but neither am I mortified.

I look carefree and happy. I don't look like I'm thinking about calorie tracking or carb counting or whether or not the restaurant we're going to after will share the nutrition content of their dishes on a pdf. I'm not thinking about whether or not I worked out hard enough that morning to "earn" an entree at all.

My mom came up for Thanksgiving and stayed with us for a few days. She is in full "rapid weight loss" mode, having started the GOLO diet. She dropped about 20 lbs this summer, and can't stop fixating on food.

It disturbed me, noticing how many of my own restrictive tendencies were mirrored in her behavior. Watching her brew cup after cup of calorie-free tea, so she could feel warm and full for a few minutes. Watching her take 25 meticulous minutes to eat a Wendy's chicken sandwich and five french fries, because she was nibbling at it like a deprived forest creature.

Watching her sit at my best friend's Thanksgiving table and scrape the little wedge of butter off her dinner roll, leaving behind only the faintest greasy sheen.

Lamenting about how "bad" she was being, allowing herself a dinner roll at all.

I'm trying so hard to unlearn all of this, and WOW being around her is not supportive to that particular journey.

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Data from just the last week. (What do you mean, I'm down 3.3 lbs!?)

I don't think I've seen a drop like that since I got "crazy jungle fever COVID" during my Florida trip last year.

These are the kind of results I would have expected from an insane crash diet- not the very reasonable 1,300-1,500 calories I've been averaging every day.

It makes me think back to those months of restriction and frustration before I started lifting. (500 calorie days? F***sake, I work nursing hours, how was functioning?)

Maybe fat loss will be a little easier this time around, with all that muscle I've been trying to put on over the last few months.

Hello, newly reinforced BMR. Let's get to work.

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I know. Lighting and high-waisted pants can make a world of difference for us pear-shaped girls.

Wednesday Weigh-in: 128.3 lbs.

And I am looking pretty lean, I think? Definitely stronger and more toned than I was a few months ago.

I look healthy.

I've been really on track, lately. Low calories. High protein. None of that crazy "PSMF" stuff, but enough calories to maintain a reasonable energy level- and enough protein to protect the muscle I've put on.

Yay.

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Current obsession/ macro-friendly comfort meal.

I recently discovered "L'oven Fresh" keto bread at Aldi, and dear god did I want to scream from the rooftops. 35 calories a slice. Zero net carbs. 10 grams of fiber. 4 g of protein. No weird texture issues.

Less than $5 for a whole loaf. (Compared to similar low/zero carb bread substitutes, which are difficult as the devil to find anywhere but online, and typically run on the insanely expensive side.)

I've had grilled cheese sandwiches on repeat.

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Wednesday Weigh-in

128.7 lbs.

I finally broke free of the need to weigh myself daily, but I should probably at least try to do it once a week.

Macros- and workouts- have been on point.

Hunger and energy levels are back under control.

Go, team!

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A snapshot of my daily macros. (I did finally break, springing for the premium version of MyFitnessPal.)

I was 129.5 lbs this morning. Just on the precipice of being back in the 130's again. Yikes.

I've been trying to focus on hitting my protein goal, with a base goal of 1,200 calories.

I know, I know. "A toddler needs 1,200 calories!"

I adjust it- depending on whether or not I need extra fuel for a workout, whether I had time to take a walk on my lunch break... etc.

And yes. I have dialed the carbs waaay back.

All the preachy social media health and wellness folks would have a fit. But moderation and I become strangers once I open a bag of popcorn, so... I'm going to start making an effort to fill my kitchen with foods I can exercise self control around. I'm tired of the energy slumps and cravings taking me for a ride.

[alittledisordered]

Twenty weeks into lifting weights, increasing my calories, and adding carbs back into my diet.

128.5 lbs.

I haven't been what most people would consider "bulking-" I hardly ever dip above 1,800 calories. But I definitely haven't been as austere about my macros. I enjoyed all of the favorite foods that I had eliminated trying to stay in ketosis- full pints of berries. Kettlecorn. Melons. Chinese takeout.

A slice of pizza here, a wedge of birthday cake, there.

I needed the break.

But I think it might be time to once again dial back the calories. (And empty carbs.) I have plans to go wedding dress shopping the first week of November. I can't be gobbling down toasted marshmallows and tortilla chips and expect to feel my best.

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77 lifting sessions in. An 18 week streak of dedication previously unheard of in my adult life. (Thank you, Fitbod.)

I am 128.3 lbs. I cannot lie. All of the effort and restriction and deprivation it took to whittle myself down to 125 lbs this previous winter looms large over me whenever I see the weight on the bathroom scale inch upward again.

I'm trying- reeeally trying- not to let it scare me away from this new part of my routine that I know is so good for me.

I deleted my fasting app yesterday- a huge step for me. For although I was no longer limiting myself to only eating within a crazily narrow "refeeding window" every day, I was still logging every fast. Still setting my s***ty little timers before every breakfast, and clocking in after the end of every dinner.

But no more.

I'm going to eat when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full, and fix this weird restrict-binge-punish cycle I've found myself in.

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Candids of my unposed body, taken roughly one year apart.

I look... stronger, right?

I always hold my breath when I see photos that were taken of me when I was unaware, but...

...My shoulders look toned. No pooch. Even my thighs look a little smaller.

It was my fiancé's birthday party yesterday- a full day outdoor party, during which I ate like a disaster. Pizza. Curly fries. Toasted marshmallows and dark chocolate. All fear foods.

I'm going to try not to go overboard in the gym today to try to "make up" for it.

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Yesterday was rough, in the “eating disorder recovery” department. I finally (officially) relinquished my low carb lifestyle this week, and started introducing fruit, rice cakes and the like back into my diet. 

We went to a water park, and I had soft serve ice cream. During a backyard cook out, I indulged in buttered corn on the cob. 

I wonder if the sudden permission to eat all of my old favorites has unleashed some sort of repressed feeding frenzy? 

I had mid-day plans with lady friends, which is usually when my appetite is allll the way ramped up. I made myself a hearty breakfast of protein pancakes, and chased that with some Greek yogurt and blueberries. 

I was a little sleep deprived, so my workout felt half-hearted and half-assed.  

Brought a protein bar to the movie theatre to tide me over until lunch plans after. Scarfed that down maybe 20 minutes into the film. (We saw Barbie!)

I was the first to finish my lunch, spooning down mouthfuls of my acai fruit bowl like it was my last meal. Barely stopping to appreciate all the parts of that bowl that I would have considered “off limits” mere weeks ago. The banana slices. The crumbly granola. The strawberries. 

I inhaled that bowl, and wanted more. 

When I got home, I discovered an unopened jar of birthday cake flavored “Nuts N’ More” peanut butter spread in our pantry. I had purchased it months ago, before I had decided to give keto a serious whirl. Back when I would glob unmeasured dollops of the stuff onto rice cakes for a meal. Because “it’s got protein, how bad can it be?”

I zoned out at the counter, dipping my rice cakes into it. Eating tiny, shameful spoonfuls. 

I logged it all into MyFitnessPal- trying to estimate generously, as the restaurant we had gone to didn’t list nutrition information on the site, and I had made zero effort to track how many half-spoonfuls of the nut butter I had eaten. 

2,313 calories. 

Nauseating. 

I dragged myself down to the gym for round two. 

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14 weeks of lifting. 3-4 hours a week in the gym doing compound movements like deadlifts, squats, and bench press. 58 sessions since April. 

I’m 127.8 lbs. 

Which, considering that I’m  progressively pushing myself in the gym with heavier weights and higher reps- not to mention eating enough protein and calories to support muscle growth- is awesome. 

I’m not gaining a lot of weight. I’m maintaining. 

I feel and look strong. I’m eating more. And I actually look forward to my lifting sessions- they’ve become my hour of solace, and stress relief, and experimentation. 

Yay.