And I’m The Dad

Scripts and scraps from my real-life parenting sitcom.

[andimthedad]

How are the pockets?

[Scene: at the store, Beth, age 17, has gotten so irritated with women's bathing suits that she's trying on men's swim trunks...] Beth: "This is actually really comfortable." Me: "How are the pockets?" Beth: "What?!" Me: "The pockets." Beth: "No, I heard you. It's just nobody in the history of women's bathing suits has ever asked about pockets." Me: "Yeah, but look, those front pockets are really roomy. Think of all the shells you could carry in there. And there's third zipper pocket that's just as big!" Beth: [angrily] "Why does this cheap men's swim bottom have better pockets than any pants I have ever owned? This is so stupid." Me: "How else do you think we carry around the patriarchy when we're at the beach?" Beth: [glares at me]  Me: [shrugs] Beth: "Fine. I'm buying these."

[andimthedad]

“Five minutes in and I’d already overheard two dick jokes, and they weren’t even funny.”

— Beth, who just started a new semester, describing her first day in a class where she is the only non-male student.

"I'm sorry to say this won't be the last time," I said.

[andimthedad]

“Money? Can’t I just say money? Money, money, money, because college is stupidly expensive?”

— Beth, age 17, exasperated as she applies for every college scholarship she can find, many of which require a written explanation of why she's interested in that particular scholarship.

I mean... that would be an honest answer, but probably not what they're looking for.

[andimthedad]

Carded

[Scene: the four of us are entering an event that has an open bar, and the bouncer is checking IDs at the door to stamp people's hands if they're old enough to get an alcoholic drink...] Wife: "I'm sorry, I left my ID in the car." Bouncer: "I can't stamp your hand, then. Move along." Wife: [points to our kids, ages 17 and 21] "I gave birth to these two. Does that count?" Bouncer: [looks at the kids] "That math checks out." [stamps her hand] "Move along."

[andimthedad]

6-7 Rabbit hole

The 6-7 meme is pretty widespread at this point. It is Dictionary.com's 2025 Word of the Year despite containing not a single letter, and it is a source of both entertainment and irritation among my own kids as well as every teacher I know (and parents too).

With that in mind, follow me down a historical 6-7 rabbit hole. Is there a connection? 🤔

"6-7, I just bipped right on the highway" — Skrilla, "Doot Doot (6 7)" (2024) — around 0:30 in the video

"All 6's and 7's" — name of the 11th album by rapper Tech N9ne (2011)

"Oh, the one who was all sixes and sevens?" — Austin Powers, "Goldmember" (2002)

"This party has me at sixes and sevens." — Carmela, "The Sopranos" Season 1, Episode 3 (1999)

"That is why they're at sixes and seven" — Tears for Fears, "Raoul and the Kings of Spain" (1995)

"Oh, don't be all sixes and sevens, honey." — Miss One, "The Wiz" (1978)

"Although she's dressed up to the nines / At sixes and sevens with you..." — Andrew Lloyd Weber, "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" (1976)

"Anyhow, it was all at sixes and sevens for a day or two..." — Dorothy Sayers, "Clouds of Witness" (1926)

"All the people who were interested in these league of nations projects were at sixes and sevens among themselves because they had the most vague, heterogeneous and untidy assumptions about what the world of men was, what it had been, and therefore of what it could be." — H.G. Wells, "The Outline of History" (1919)

"...why is everything either at sixes or at sevens?" — Gilbert & Sullivan, "H.M.S. Pinafore" (1878)

"...everything as she expressed herself be at sixes and sevens." — Jane Austen, "Catherine" (1792)

"And everything is left at six and seven." — Shakespeare, "Richard II" (1595)

"...to set the world on six and seven." — Chaucer, "Troilus and Criseyde" (~1385)

[andimthedad]

Zero to Zero

[Scene: I'm playing basketball in our driveway with Luke, age 13, when Grandpa shows up...]

Grandpa: "What's the score?"

Me: "I'm winning."

Luke: "Hey, I thought we were still zero to zero!"

Me: "Yeah, but my zero is bigger than your zero."

Luke: "What?! Am I playing against Donald Trump?"

Me: "Well, this basketball /is/ orange."

Luke: "Oh great. Let's use the other ball instead."

[andimthedad]

I forgot about this conversation from 2017. Made me laugh when it popped up in my feed again.

The other ball was pink, fyi.

[lunch-notes-by-andimthedad]

I made a pop-up Totoro birthday card recently for Beth's birthday (who turned 17!?!). We love all Studio Ghibli movies but Totoro is the best.

I didn't have time to engineer or construct it properly, but it worked pretty well. And yes I know Totoro never says anything in English; just go with the vibe, OK?

[andimthedad]

In case you didn't know how big a fan of Totoro we are, take a look at Beth's soot sprite cookies:

[andimthedad]

Inverse Weenis

Beth: [age 16] "I think I really have people convinced that the inner side of your elbow joint is called the 'inverse weenis.'" Me: "The what?" Beth: "Inverse weenis. Because the outer part of your elbow is called the weenis, so the inner part is the inverse." Me: "Weenis can't be the scientific name of it. Right? I've heard it for years but assumed it was made up." Beth: "No, it's just slang. But it sort of sounds Latin and scientific-ish, and you put 'inverse' in front of it and people think it's true." Me: "It's got truthiness, I guess. How did this come up in conversation today?" Beth: "[Y's] elbow was hurting, so I asked them if it was their weenis or inverse weenis, and in all seriousness they said, 'I never knew the names of that part of the body,' and thanked me." Me: "And you just let it go?" Beth: "Obviously. I just mention this stuff casually as if it's totally true and so far nobody has questioned it." Me: "You might have a future in politics."

[andimthedad]

“We should muffin those bananas.”

— Beth, age 16, our resident baker

It's a snow day, so she's home with extra time. And, we have a few bananas going brown. The solution is obvious, but this is the first time I've heard someone verb the word "muffin." It almost sounds like a colloqualism: "Well, muffin my bananas!" Or a threat: "Oh yeah? Muffin these bananas!"

What other food can we verb? Can you guac an avocado? Can you cake a carrot? Can you pie an apple?

[andimthedad]

Cooking an Omelette

Beth, age 16, has to produce an instructional video for her video editing class. She chose the topic “Cooking an Omelette,” but with the narrative style of a serial killer. 

Here’s one version of the script. The video turned out slightly differently due to production issues, but it's close.

--

[SCENE: the camera slowly pans over a countertop that has all the ingredients for an omelette on it — eggs, mushrooms, bacon, cheese, olive oil/butter — while the narrator begins.] NARRATOR: [slowly, calmly] Before the cooking begins, everything is at peace. The eggs are still whole. The mushrooms are raw. The ingredients have no idea what’s coming.  [SCENE: J-cut so that the sizzling of bacon can be heard first. Then a close up of it in the pan, then pull back to a wider shot of the whole pan.] NARRATOR: An omelette must be cooked in a pan much wider than the final product. The bacon takes the longest to cook, so it must meet its demise first on medium high heat.  [SCENE: Slowed shot of mushrooms falling from a bowl.] NARRATOR: Next, the mushrooms go in. If you listen closely, you can hear their screams of terror. [SCENE: Shot of mushrooms speeds up to normal time as they fall into the pan. Then a shot of olive oil drizzled on.] NARRATOR: Today I am torturing the ingredients in olive oil, but butter works too.  [SCENE: Shot of the pan contents being stirred with a spatula, and then a lid put on.] NARRATOR: Give those poor souls a stir, and then cover them so they don’t burn or dry out.  [SCENE: Match shot that goes from an egg being cracked down on a counter to the yolk/white falling into a bowl. Then cut to several eggs in the bowl being stirred.] NARRATOR: Once the eggs are in the bowl, they must be mixed. But you must not mix them like this: do not “stir” the eggs. [SCENE: The words “DO NOT ‘STIR’ THE EGGS” appear on screen. Then a shot of the eggs being beaten.] NARRATOR: They must be beaten… violently. This makes them have a nice fluffy texture.  [SCENE: Close up shot of bubbles forming on top of the eggs.] NARRATOR: You know your job is done when there are lots of bubbles. This means the eggs have stopped breathing. [SCENE: Shot of mushrooms being stirred in the pan.] NARRATOR: You need to check on the mushrooms every minute or so. Once water starts coming out of them, remove the lid. They're meant to be cooked, not drowned. [SCENE: Shot of eggs being poured over the stuff in the pan.] NARRATOR: When everything else is mostly cooked and there isn’t too much water in the pan, add the eggs and turn the temperature down. Then cover it and let them cook. [SCENE: Shot of lid being added to pan, which immediately transitions to it being removed.] NARRATOR: As soon as the eggs are no longer a liquid, add cheese to the middle. [SCENE: Shot of the cheese being added and then the omelette being folded, and lid put on.] NARRATOR: Fold the omelette around the cheese so that it cannot escape. This step should be easy, unless you’ve burnt it. Put the lid back on as an extra precaution while it melts. It should take less than a minute. Then plate the omelette. [SCENE: Shot of the omelette on a plate being handed to a person.] NARRATOR: Make sure the omelette is enjoyed. All that suffering must be worth something. [SCENE: Shot of a person taking a bite of the omelette, and then a slow close up shot of them smiling before it cuts to black.]

[andimthedad]

Beth, age 16, has made soot sprite cookies for the birthday of a fellow Miyazaki fan.

They're very dark chocolate cookies — barely sweet at all — with spots of white frosting eyeballs and chocolate chip pupils.

Any other Miyazaki fans out there?

[andimthedad]

Pizza, Math, and Nature

[Scene: we're having homemade pizza for dinner]

Beth: [age 16, aghast] "OMG. What did you do?!" Me: "What?" Beth: "Why did you cut the pizza like that? It's a circle. You've completely violated the laws of pizza, math, and nature." Me: "You know, in Italy, they don't even cut your pizza. You have to cut your own slices. This way everyone has options." Beth: [gestures to the pizza] "No, it just makes this worse." Me: "Those Flatbread pizza places cut theirs in rectangular slices. Maybe I'm just being fancy." Beth: "Their pizzas aren't a circle. Cutting a circle like this is just wrong." Me: "What are you, a three-year-old? Are you going to complain because the food isn't the right shape?" Beth: "Oh, it's still pizza. I'm going to eat it. I just have philosophical objections to how you cut it." Me: [rolling eyes] "Now that's just a three-year-old being fancy."

[andimthedad]

Old Exhibit

Beth: [age 16, doing homework] "Do you remember derivatives in calculus?" Me: "Good heavens. I took calculus in college, but that was decades ago." Beth: "So, you don't remember?" Me: "You know how you can go to a museum, and you want to see a certain exhibit, but then you find a sign up saying the exhibit is closed for renovation and something else is going to be put there? That's what happened to calculus in my mind." Beth: "OK, but you still have that... old exhibit... in storage, right?" Me: "I'm sure it's in a mental warehouse somewhere, but it's buried under a lot of other things." Beth: "What new exhibit got put in its place?" Me: "Probably something useful like pop culture trivia." Beth: [sighs]

[andimthedad]

“You don’t have a train of thought, dear. It’s more of a stunt plane.”

— my wife, responding to my apology for not being able to explain how my train of thought arrived at its current destination

[andimthedad]

COMMENCING THE ANNUAL POST-SCHOOLYEAR BURNING OF OLD HOMEWORK AND NOTES

Beth: "The male reproductive system??? WHO NEEDS THAT?!" [tosses a sheaf into the fire]

"PRE-CALCULUS CAN GO MATH ITSELF!" [another sheaf]

"The ideals of democracy??! IF ONLY WE HAD A DEMOCRACY!" [another sheaf]

[andimthedad]

First Recipe

Me: "Hey, your brother found this while looking through the family recipe folder. I think it's your first written recipe."

Beth: [age 16] "Wow. Yeah, that's for a kind of dessert smoothie thing."

Me: "How old were you when you wrote this?"

Beth: "Probably kindergarten? First grade? I was terrible at spelling back then."

Me: "But you understood hyphenation, apparently."

Beth: "Please, that's easy enough to figure out."

Me: "The real question: Is the recipe any good?"

Beth: [dismissively] "Do you really I would write down a recipe that wasn't? Jeez."

[andimthedad]

“Stir until the vibe is right.”

— actual line from Beth's personal brownie recipe when her friends asked her to write it down

The brownies were amazing. Beth (age 15) has baked enough by now that she modifies recipes on the fly, or makes up new recipes, and they (nearly) always turn out well.