CW for talk of SA, murder, torture, trauma responses, negative inner image, manipulation of guilt, kidnapping, cults, young children being hurt, please let me know if there are any i have missed.
I rewatched a video or two about the blue cult and blue memory arcs last night, and got to be reminded of so many particular details of what happened to both our ciel, and real ciel. But this post will be focused on O!Ciel. So anytime I say Ciel, thats who im referring to. If I talk about R!Ciel then I will say "his brother" or "R!Ciel"
I think its really easy to take Ciel for granted. Obviously yes we've seen the things hes been through now completely, the whole story as opposed to just bits and pieces. But with the frequency of chapter releases, I think its easy to forget just what our boy has been through. So I want to lay it out here. Because I've been thinking about it a lot. Ill be yapping most likely so things will probably get long. Ill place things in sections to make it easier for people to navigate.
Early Childhood
We know that as a kid, ciel was very sick. He was diagnosed with asthma at I believe 5 years old if I remember correctly? And in that time period asthma could very well be, and often was, deadly. Especially for children. We know he was loved by his family, but his condition meant he was often stuck inside or left out of certain activities, watching his family through the windows. Even if a kid is loved this has an effect on them. Mainly in ciels case, social ineptitude and shyness combined with a worry that he was holding his family back. Specifically his brother as we know he often spent time trying to care for him.
Because of his isolation, ciel didn't do well around other people. Less because of not wanting to, but because he simply didn't have the experience to know how to. Its shown multiple times that in most situations, ciel was quiet and reserved, letting his brother lead the two of them.
Which brings up another point. Ciel admired his brother greatly. He saw him as the strong healthy kind older brother he could never be. He both adored him and felt inferior to him. He also likely knew what his place was compared to his brother from a young age. R!Ciel was the heir, and the only heir. O!Ciel knew that hed never become earl, he wouldn't inherit anything from the family name. Along with that he knew his brother would be a better leader then him. His internal thoughts telling him that his brother was the better of the two. Identical in face and body, but completely different in constitution. The way ciel saw it was that his brother was the heir to the phantomhive estate, the strong kind boy who would grow up to be a good earl and take on their families duties as the watchdog.
This thought process was only encouraged by hearing out of context conversations, and various things their parents may have said. Which well not illmeaning, did solidify how ciel thought about himself. Two specific examples of this would be when we see him overhearing a conversation between Francis and Vincent, talking about what might happen if R!Ciel died. What we hear is that they are worried about what might happen if "the spare" had to take the earldom. Vincent says if ciel had to take the place of the head, that he would rather renounce the family name and their duties as watchdog. And we see that from ciels perspective, his father's words affect him deeply. They confirm to him that his family considered him weak, and a pale shadow next to his brother that could never achieve what he could. He feels this is simply fact. And this idea is confirmed with what Vincent says to R!Ciel in a later scene which we know he shared with O!Ciel. Only the earl of phantomhive can wear the ring. Only R!Ciel could inherit.
The Murder/Cult
This is where things get bad. There's a lot here and they would be devastating to anyone, but try and keep in mind the points I made earlier in the post while you read this as well.
We know the attack happened on their 10th birthday. We get a walk-through of the entire night in the blue memory arc. Ill try and be as sucint as possible while still making my points, but this is a complicated section to do this in.
We know on their 10th birthday, they wake up in a good mood, they see servants and family around the manor, prepping and planning for their birthday party. Birthday decorations in the dining hall, presents piled up, they even attempt to sneak into the kitchen to see the cake, though their stopped by Tanaka. Its shaping out to be a really exciting day for the two of them. To the point where they even tire themselves out playing and fall asleep.
When they wake up something is obviously wrong because Tanaka hasnt come to get them. They wait 40 minutes until R!Ciel tries to play the roll of the eldest child. Protector. Heir. He leaves O!Ciel alone. As a newly 10 year old child who already isnt the most confident in himself, being left there alone for 20 minutes must have felt like an eternity, only getting more and more worried when his brother didnt return. Once he steps out of that room, it only gets worse.
He walks through the dark quiet manor, calling for his brother. No answer. Eventually, ciel finds himself in his mother and fathers room, led there by Sebastian (the dog) barking. When he gets there though sebastian is dead. Its terrible for a child to lose a pet, let alone in such a gruesome bloody way that we see. And then in his shock, he practically falls into a puddle of his own parents blood. Now thats even more obviously traumatizing, especially because ciel is convinced their only hurt. That he can still save them. Likely a coping mechanism in the moment to save him from the despair of losing both his parents at once. (Another point id like to make here, is that considering the very little amount of time between ciel hearing sebastian, and finding him dead, its very likely the killer was still in the room. Which is incredibly disturbing knowing they watched ciel find his parents.)
While running through the house screaming for help, not only does he trip over yet another dead body, but he starts to see the mess the manor has been turned into. Blood on the wall, the floors, any people hes finding are dead and died brutally. From what we see in the manga, a lot of gunshot wounds execution style to the head. Which is a pretty gruesome sight. He manages to get all the way to the dining hall without finding a single person alive.
This scene in particular hits hard for me because its the moment ciel truly breaks down. Seeing the room, still covered in birthday decorations and presents, would be such a brutal reminder of the fact that just earlier that day, everyone had believed it would be a happy one. That he was surrounded by people who loved and cared about him despite his flaws and now all of them are gone.
His little mental breakdown lasts for a while until he hears a noise. It ends up being Tanaka, who ciel then witnesses being stabbed in the back right in front of him, while hes being grabbed and kidnapped.
He then sits, alone, in a box, on a carriage, listening to the people who had killed his parents and everyone he loved (at this point he has not seen his brother and thinks he might be dead too), talk about what to do with him.
When he does finally get taken out and reunited with his brother, they both have holes punched into their ears and price tags looped through them like cattle (something he will have to look at for the rest of his life and likely the reason he has his other ear pierced as well), and then thrown in a cage.
We dont see exactly how long theyre there, maybe a couple hours?, before theyre bought. Which while less traumatizing, they would still have to watch and listen to people discussing buying them like they aren't human.
They get a pitifully little break after this. When theyre bought, theyre taken to a manor, clothed and fed, even told there would be a party in their honor. Sounds great yeah? Sure, but ciel, always the cautious one, is still wary. And turns out he was pretty right to be, because when they arrive at the party, it very quickly turns right back into a horror show. They realize this is a cult. That they worship the devil. That they are apart of something. They barely get a chance to try and save themselves before theyre seized, held down, and sexually assault. Presumably many times in many ways by many people.
During this is when ciels belief in god starts to Crack. Theres a statue of an angel in the room above them, and in his state, he perceives it to be watching them. Smiling.
We only see snapshots of the next month, but its safe to assume the twins are regularly assaulted, kept caged and locked up. We know they only ate by being forcefed through the bars of the cage. At one point we get a glimpse into the twins watching the dead body of another child they shared a cage with being dragged away, and we hear ciel say that he'd be joining him soon. Considering he was a sickly and weak child, he probably assumed hed die sooner rather then later. We also hear that its only been 10 days. For them it probably felt like an eternity.
Now we dont know for sure whether by this point ciels asthma was as severe as it had been? We dont see as much of them before their 10th birthday besides some snapshots so its hard to discern how sick ciel had been recently, but considering he doesn't have an asthma attack for 3 years after this, I think its probably safe to assume he had been going into remission from it and having them less and less. Though considering the severity of the situation and stress it would have caused I wouldn't be surprised if ciel had an attack or two while being kept by the cult, likely helped by his brother if he did.
Then we get to the day of the sacrifice. Its been a month of the twins souls being defiled and corrupted for this cults twisted goals. They watch as people crowd around, the leader talking. And then R!Ciel is chosen first. Hes ripped away from his twin, and O!Ciel watches, screaming for him and trying to reach through the bars as he watches his brother be carried to the altar kicking and screaming. He watches as the leader raises a dagger and stabs his brother through the chest. The only person he had left to cling onto, gone, and with it any hope that his words had been even at all true. The hope that someone would come save them. This is where he truly loses all faith in god and people. This is where he summons sebastian.
Now most people might consider this where the trauma of that night ends. Sebastian kills everyone, they finalize their deal, the end. I think most people dont consider how terrifying this would have been in itself for ciel. Hes basically just renounced god, and here comes this terrifying creature, appearing out of nowhere, asking who summoned it. Who spit on the name of god. He probably thought he was going crazy.
Theres also the point that as polite as we see sebastian be in the series, hes still a demon. And one who enjoys playing with humans none the less. When he realizes ciel was the one to summon him, he taunts him, repeatedly telling him that he had been the one to sacrifice his brothers souls to summon him. He holds up his twins body like its nothing, waving it in his face. He watches ciel breakdown, being convinced he is the reason his brother died. That he had done it. That it was his fault. In such a delicate time when hes just watched his brother be murdered in front of him, hes told it was his fault. That he had done this. This gets internalized. From here on out he looks at things that happen to people around him, and blames it on things he had done.
He only makes a deal with sebastian because he believes its what his brother would have done. And we can see here the boy we know starting to emerge. Colder, more calculated, treating this deal like a chess match. Remember that his brother had told him he was the only one he could get a good game out of.
We see ciel look at the situation. We watch him think about the fact that it should have been him on that altar. His brother was the good strong one. No one would be happy if the weak spare was the one who survived. It should have been his brother. So he decides it was. He decides to become his brother and give him back to the world. Because he didnt believe that he was worthy of being the one who survived.
Once the rules are set, ciel is convinced he has to get the ring. The ring that his brother had swallowed to keep it safe. He feels like he has to do it himself. That it was his duty. He cuts into his brothers stomach with the same knife that had killed him. He wears the ring covered in his brothers blood.
We see the last of the old ciel as he says goodbye to his brother and apologizes.
I think its very important here to remember that ciel is basically killing himself in this moment. Hes telling himself he should have been the one to die and his twin should have lived. So ciel made that the truth. Not just because of admiration for his brother, but because he felt so intensely that his brother was the one people would have wanted to live.
During the Manga Run
This is also something I dont think people think about very much. That ciel hasnt just been living his life. Hes been living as another person, who's personality and demeanor were so different from his own. Hes been pretending, 24/7 to be someone hes not and never has been. Over time it would have become more natural, but its still a mask. A full suit of Armor even. No one could know he wasnt the real ciel.
And not just that. But the emotional pain of pretending to he his brother must have been difficult too. Responding to his name, signing his signature, introducing himself as him, wearing his clothes, doing his jobs, sleeping in his bed, dates with his fiancé. It couldnt have been easy. Plus knowing that he was right? That his family was happier to have ciel back then him? That would have cut deep, whether he believed it himself or not.
I think when we see him in the Emerald Witch Arc, when hes blinded after being exposed to Sullen, is a lot closer to his true personality. Hes scared. He knows hes going to die a brutal death, not only from a demon, but by the same demon who is here only because of his brothers death. He knows he wasn't the wanted one. He knows that eventually, people will remember everything he built for himself over the last 3 years as his brothers work. Even if he wanted to become his brother, that takes a toll. A big one. Something we see when finally, after his brother is revealed to be alive, he has a bit of a moment in laus opium den. Not to mention that fact that he didnt just fall back into his brothers arms when it was revealed he was alive.
And speaking of finding out his brother was alive, that didnt exactly happen in the most healthy of ways either. Agni was murdered, soma blamed him, a message was left on the wall that only he would understand, that could only be from one person. But his brother was dead. His soul had been eaten. Sebastian had eaten it. And sebastian wasnt allowed to lie to him. And yet, somehow ciel knew that it was his brother. Hoped it wasn't, but he knew. His brother had used their face to kill the people closest to ciel in his present life.
When he returns to the manor, there is no private meeting, no one on one. He is met with his dead brother in front of all his servants of the household. Everything hed so carefully hidden crumbling around him, in front of everyone. Ciel had never been good at speaking to people, and now he was put on the spot, surrounded by people asking him questions, figuring out whats going on, all while face to face with the mirror image of himself that he'd seen die. Not to mention the demeaning toying way his brother speaks to him.
Finding out for certain that, no one had suspected a thing. No one had noticed he wasn't the twin he claimed to be. No one had figured it out. Do you know how dehumanizing that is? To realize that even the people who should have known you best, didnt realize you were you? Its awful.
There's much more. But these are the main big ones. Of course the many times hes been hurt, almost died, been betrayed by those close to him, add on an unfathomable amount of trauma on top of everything ive laid out here. Aunt Angeline, the undertaker, even Lizzy by the end.
Ciel is not just a cold calculating kid who does the Queens bidding in the underworld. Hes a traumatized scared child who's been through more then most people will experience in their entire lives. He blames himself for the faults hes been made to believe exist. He hides everything about himself to appear as the person everyone else wanted. He is riddled with ptsd and more stress then a 13 year old should know. Yana Toboso has written such a good complex character, that people forget he isn't who he appears to be.
I wish more people understood that you can have hard limits and boundaries when it comes to fictional content you enjoy without insinuating that anyone who doesn't share similar opinions is some kind of freak/pervert/monster.
yall stop it Aaron must have SUCH Mysterious Enigma energy once he's a neurosurgeon like,,, Exy isn't THAT popular for the general public so slowly Finding Out about him must be wild like
"Oh Dr. Minyard? He was a college athlete. Yeah, won championships a few times."
"Oh Dr. Minyard? Yeah he was on trial for murder. No, no he definitely did it, the trial was to determine if it was justified."
"Oh Dr. Minyard? He speaks fluent German. We don't know why."
"Oh Dr. Minyard? Has a twin brother who is a professional athlete. Yeah he won an Olympic gold medal recently, that's why Dr. Minyard took all those vacation days."
"Oh Dr. Minyard? He's five feet tall."
He's like the love interest of some medical drama or something except his relationship is already established so instead people just whisper about him with no outlet for the way he makes them go a lil bit feral
An ace friend once described themselves to me as "asexual not because I'm sex-repulsed or sex-disinterested, asexual because the kind of sex I want to have isn't physically possible yet" and that's lived rent-free in my brain ever since
i confess i really hate how nora keeps giving her main characters these super intense sexual trauma backstories even when it doesn’t always make sense. like, jean getting SA’d in a male-dominated, high-pressure environment? the ravens slutshaming him? yeah, sadly, that feels realistic.
but the entire public and exy world buying into those rumors?? never added up for me. he’s number three on the perfect court, everyone agrees he’s the best backliner in the game… and people think he only made the team because he slept with the lineup?? a lineup that was mostly men?? in 2004?? has there ever even been a male celebrity accused of “sleeping his way up” like that? not even aaron taylor-johnson gets that treatment.
and honestly i’m only saying this because i’m on anon, but it feels borderline offensive that she gives these struggles -ones so deeply tied to women’s experiences - to her white gay male characters for maximum tragedy points, while writing thea like garbage (or worse, basically not writing her at all because she got so much hate for giving a character that she reportedly was part of a throuple for like 20 drafts a black woman caricature she described in the EC as a Uh angry tank?!)
Oh boy. Oh dear. Oh fuck. As my grandmother would say, Oh hell in a handbasket.
Baby. Sweetie. Honey. Pookie. Did we read the same books???????
First of all let's talk about you not liking nora giving her main characters SA backstories. Girl there are literally two??? And both make a lot of sense? Also, newsflash, guys get raped too and its not talked about nearly enough so kudos to nora for pushing it. Giving it to her "white gay male characters" isnt an insult to your struggles as a woman, its showcasing that men experience those struggles too.
Second off you have your facts wrong. In the books, it's only the ravens who see jean as having "slept his way up" in the hierarchy. The rest of the exy word just thinks hes a slut, but doesnt diminish his talent at all.
And THIRD. Thea is amazing. I dont know what part of her you think was written like garbage but in the new books shes phenomenal when she shows up and I wish she did more. Its sad nora gets hate about her because of kandreil existing. Thea is a strong black woman. Theres nothing wrong with that.
In a very andrew mood today and I need to rant about how much this man means to me I want to become him he is my one and only and I adore him. Have some hcs
Andrew didnt know when his birthday was until he met Aaron
A cat in human form, loves head scratches but will never admit it
Actually does do nice things for nicky and aaron but god forbid he admits it he does them in secret and they'll never know it was him
So good with kids. Like weirdly good.
Got in trouble in several foster homes for sneaking stray animals into the house to care for them because he knows what its like to be abandoned
He really likes spicy food
Has nightmares about strangling kevin after Baltimore and definitely beats himself up about it
For the first little bit his meds were actually kinda fun to him and pulled him out of the severe depression hed been in for years. That was before his body learned to need them and he learned being forced to spend energy he didnt have left him in even worse states mentally
During his stay at easthaven he cried for the first time in years
Is a brat and tests every rule he comes across. You tell him not to do something and he absolutely will do it if its not actually something that will cause you harm
Tested wymack constantly during his first year as a fox and drove him nuts in order to test whether he was as good as he seemed
First time he actually slept at wymacks place was after their last game of the season first year. He played a full game and shut down the goal after several points.
He uses the ice trick when he really wants to relapse
Pretends to be sick to skip practice often but never actually acknowledges when hes really sick
The mom friends with everything in his bag. Literally ask him if he has anything I dare you. (He says no and hands it to you anyways)
Rarely slept on longhaul bus rides with the team before neil. Only way he would is if he was crashing from his meds and even then it would be a couple hours at most
Secretly watches F1
Actually kind of appreciated the energy exy took when he was on his meds. After games or practices were some of the only times he felt genuinly tired out while on them
Punched a guy in front of a teacher for hitting on aaron in highschool
Stayed outside the bathroom the entire time aaron was detoxing
Briefly tried some of Tilda drugs one time while home alone. Wasn't horrible.
Had both a space phase and a marine animal phase when he was younger
Doesnt hate therapy with aaron, just doesnt know how to talk to people about his feelings
Everyone catogarizes neil as "you were stabbed????" "Lightly stabbed" but I think andrew is also that blazè abour things like that
Really good at giving people the silent treatment. Didnt talk to neil for a week after he found out about his secret trip to usc
Actually really likes soft things but pretends not to.
Always cold. Always wearing more the one layer of clothing if he can help it. If there is a heat source there is a 90% chance andrew will be sitting directly in front of it for as long as he can physically stand to
Hasn't slept well without help since he was 7
Has different gestures that mean I love you for different members of his family. Obviously neils is him glaring and saying I hate you, for nicky its texting erik to call him. (He stole the number from nickys phone to threaten him originally). For aaron its leaving things he knows he likes on aarons desk (sour candies, energy drinks, new set of flashcards, etc) for kevin its sitting in the same room as him while he watches an exy game.
Never actually hid that he was gay from aaron and nicky, just didnt directly tell them.
If he got over his hatred of most women hed probably be bi
Very confused about traditions and normal celebratory things, esp when just moving in with nicky
Theres always a christmas gift for everyone under the tree that doesnt say who its from. They all know its from andrew.
dededos
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
titsay
stormborns
kaledo-art
