Life after love.

Breakups, broken hearts and moving on. 

[anotherliferelatedblog]

We were not meant to be. The universe is funny like that. It gives us the taste of heaven then takes it away. Like nothing ever happened.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Has heart ache ever made you feel physically ill? Like all of a sudden, there is pain in your chest and breathing gets harder, your head gets lighter and you feel dizzy and it just doesn't go away and it feels like that all the time

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I blame you for not being able to write happy endings in any of my stories.

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[anotherliferelatedblog]

I read my old blog today. It made me realise I will never forget my first love. Even when I am happy with someone new. Even when they are married with a kid. There will always be a part of me that longs for them and that is okay. 

[peanut-monster]

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

My mind screams no without thinking. Screams and shouts and yet, I push the loud thought back down, back where it belongs, in the depths of my brain where no one has to know about it. I nod, so people think I am just fine, just fine. I add a warm smile if I feel like it, just to make sure they believe me I am feeling alright.

Are you sure?

No, screams my brain again as I fight it, successfully so. No, screams my brain but my mouth just curls up again into a smile while I answer I am just fine. I feel my own words making it worse, the doubt of my acting, the fear of the questions that might follow, the panic I feel escaping gets worse.

Okay, but if you need to talk, I am here.

Are you? Are you sure you are not going to run at the first sight of what a dark twisted soul I posses? Are you sure, my demons do not frighten you? Because I am not. I would run if someone told me their mind is like a battlefield every second of their day on the good days, and worse than a true war zone, with explosions, shootings, bodies and blood on the bad ones. Are you sure, you will not run when you realise, the bubbly person you know is not even around most of the time? Are you sure it does not scare you that the girl that smiles so much, asks herself why even bother being happy. Are you sure you are here for me, here to listen to hours and hours of anxious thoughts of being broken and breaking down, of being torn apart by the force stronger than anything you had ever knew, of tears of fear when there is nothing to be afraid about, of pain, the worst kind of pain, the one that you have no idea what is causing it. Are you sure you are here for all of this?

I promise, I am here for you, always.

Even when I cannot hear you over the noise that my head creates out of boredom? The noise of people screaming, of cars speeding by, of loud alarms, of clicks of pens, of boiling kettles, of my own heart beating and every other little noise around me, and I am hearing it all at once. How can you promise to be here for me, when most of the time, the real me stays hidden from your eyes because God knows, hearing voices makes me crazy. Are you here for the girl who feels like her entire life is falling apart most of the time, the girl who feels in life threatening situations multiple times a day, even if she is just sitting in the safety of her room. Are you here for the girl who cries herself to sleep almost every night. Are you here for the girl that feels like her entire mind is slowly killing her, the girl who feels like there are knifes slowly being pushed through her bran, the girl who feels like her head is going to explode if all of it does not stop? Are you here for the girl who fights her demons all the time, even when she feels like giving up, letting go, going crazy, she still fights and fears one day she will lose the battle?

Or are you here for the girl that tells you she is just fine, the girl who smiles brighter than the sun and lets you think her life is pretty much close to perfect. Are you here for the girl who makes you laugh all the time, makes you believe she is the happiest girl in the entire world? Yes, that girl is still me, I can be that girl, but at the same time, I am her polar opposite and if you truly want to be here for me, you have to be here for both parts of me. The happy one is tired and letting go a little bit, I will try not to overwhelm you. I will still say I am fine, I just might skip the smile today.

I love you.

I know you do. I know even when the dark part of me says you will run away the second you experience the darkness. I know even when my entire brain makes me believe I trust you too much. I know even when every cell in my body says I will get hurt in the end because there is no one in this world that could love the darkest parts of me. I know, and I love you too.

[broken-and-recovering-deactivat]

You’re still my favorite story to tell.

(via broken-and-recovering)

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Visit Original Link

Anxiety, in all of its glory (there is no glory). It is a letter kind of thing, or a conversation between me an my friend something along those lines. It is answering the questions ‘Are you okay?’, ‘Are you sure?’, reaction to: ‘I am here for you’ and ‘I love you’. It is honesty, the raw kind of honesty. 

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Physiology of a break up.

There is this feeling I get after my heart breaks, metaphorically of course, I do know hearts are muscles and do not break, but when something that felt so real and so infinite ends, I cannot help but feel like my body is physically hurt.

It feels like my ribs are breaking, one after another, in different spots and they keep breaking and breaking, putting more and more pressure on my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I feel the air coming through my nose and never making it down my windpipe because it is being crushed by my chest collapsing into itself. There is sharp pain in my throat when air touches it and soon I cannot breathe at all. My eyes hurt, they are bloodshot, bleeding, blood dripping down my face onto the ground and it hurts. My body is shaking and there is no way to stop it, it moves with every inhale and exhale and even when my chest is broken down and barely gets air through, my body still shakes, my muscles keep cramping, contracting stronger and faster and at some point, my body does not handle it any more. It shuts down. 

Then a new kind of pain begins. There is a headache I can feel right in the center of my forehead. It starts there, where the emotions are controlled, it starts where everything started to fall apart. If feels like every single cell there is shutting down, either dying or slowly burning to death. It almost feels like needles stabbing every single one of them, making the brain unable to control whatever is going on. It moves up and affects my thinking, making me believe there is nothing left for me in the world, making me believe, there is no plan, no future.The pain spreads to the top of my head, makes it unable to move, makes my whole body hurt again, all the ribs breaking, the body shaking, now it gets worse. It affects the vision and makes it even blurrier and all I see is him in front of me, everywhere I look and that hurts even more. 

After my whole brain feels like it is bleeding out and being torn apart, the last part of brain starts to hurt. The little piece of where every perfect memory is stored, where memories of first dates, kisses, ‘I love you’s and so much more, live, that is the part that hurts the most. This little part is the main reason the whole brain is hurting, the only reason my body is breaking. The memory of perfect little moments of time we shared is why breakups make me think there is something physically wrong with me when it happens, because it does affect my whole body, it affects every cell that lives inside me and all of them start hurting at the same time.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

953 days since I broke your heart. 954 since I broke mine by deciding to break yours.

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No matter how many years passed by, you are still my kryptonite.

[peanut-monster]

My wanderlust child (my mother’s letter to me)

Dear Lana,

When you were seven I started calling you ‘my lost boy’, or ‘lost child’ when you complained about being called a boy. I realized then, that you were too interested in the world around you, I realized you were too hungry for adventures to stay in one place at all time. You were seven when that became clear to me.

When you were in high school I started calling you ‘my nomad’ or ’my gypsy child’, because you started realizing the world was a lot bigger than our family home and our little town. You realized how much there is to discover outside the comfort of your home. I realized you wanted to see it all.

When you first left for an adventure and boarded a plane for the first time, and then the second, third, fourth and so on, time, your dad and I started saying ‘our world discoverer’ is travelling again and people who do not know you wondered how can we let a teenage girl travel so much and so far away, but people who do know you knew, that the ‘world discoverer’ is who you are and by leaving home for a week every couple of months, was just you being who you are. 

You continued to travel and you had seen more than half of Europe before turning 20 and it made me realize that every time you visit a new place, you come back a richer person, and more ‘you’ than before you left. You are becoming this wonderful woman I am so proud to call my daughter. I now refer to you as ‘my wanderlust child’. I realized how important this is to you, I realized that I could never keep you at home, that you are learning so much about who you are where ever you go, that your little restless soul could never be tamed in one place and I realized that I knew that all along. From when you were seven and you were my lost boy, to now, when you are going to the USA for the first time, on your own. 

Your dad and I, when asked how can we let you go, we usually just say: ‘Because we know she will come back.’ And it is true, no matter how far your adventures take you, how long your discoveries take, how last minute your nomadic ideas usually are, you are the girl that always makes it back home when your wanderlust is fulfilled and this is why we let you go.

Be safe and come back better, smarter, richer and even more amazing than you already are. You are not a lost boy anymore, you are not a gypsy, you are the one who comes back home bringing photographs of things I might never get to see. So I will see you when you get back. I will miss you.

With lots of love,

Mom

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Physiology of a break up.

There is this feeling I get after my heart breaks, metaphorically of course, I do know hearts are muscles and do not break, but when something that felt so real and so infinite ends, I cannot help but feel like my body is physically hurt.

It feels like my ribs are breaking, one after another, in different spots and they keep breaking and breaking, putting more and more pressure on my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I feel the air coming through my nose and never making it down my windpipe because it is being crushed by my chest collapsing into itself. There is sharp pain in my throat when air touches it and soon I cannot breathe at all. My eyes hurt, they are bloodshot, bleeding, blood dripping down my face onto the ground and it hurts. My body is shaking and there is no way to stop it, it moves with every inhale and exhale and even when my chest is broken down and barely gets air through, my body still shakes, my muscles keep cramping, contracting stronger and faster and at some point, my body does not handle it any more. It shuts down. 

Then a new kind of pain begins. There is a headache I can feel right in the center of my forehead. It starts there, where the emotions are controlled, it starts where everything started to fall apart. If feels like every single cell there is shutting down, either dying or slowly burning to death. It almost feels like needles stabbing every single one of them, making the brain unable to control whatever is going on. It moves up and affects my thinking, making me believe there is nothing left for me in the world, making me believe, there is no plan, no future.The pain spreads to the top of my head, makes it unable to move, makes my whole body hurt again, all the ribs breaking, the body shaking, now it gets worse. It affects the vision and makes it even blurrier and all I see is him in front of me, everywhere I look and that hurts even more. 

After my whole brain feels like it is bleeding out and being torn apart, the last part of brain starts to hurt. The little piece of where every perfect memory is stored, where memories of first dates, kisses, ‘I love you’s and so much more, live, that is the part that hurts the most. This little part is the main reason the whole brain is hurting, the only reason my body is breaking. The memory of perfect little moments of time we shared is why breakups make me think there is something physically wrong with me when it happens, because it does affect my whole body, it affects every cell that lives inside me and all of them start hurting at the same time.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

I am not [blank] enough.

I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not funny enough. I am not interesting enough. I am not quiet enough. I am not cute enough. I am not smart enough. I am not enough. I will never be enough. Not for the guys I fall for. Not for the tall, gorgeous human beings, that are kind, nice, inteligent, funny, sarcastic, athletic, handsome, loved and adored by everyone around them. I will never be enough for guys like that. And maybe instead of trying to become enough I should just say that someday somewhere there will be someone who I will be enough for. Right now, however, I am just not enough, not enough, not enough.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

When we broke it off, it did not feel like heartbreak. It was more like homesickness.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Falling in love with the right person at the wrong time.

The only thing that describes how falling in love with the right person feels it is home. Suddenly having that constant feeling of belonging somewhere and to someone, constantly having the feeling of having every thing in the world, constantly knowing you are happy and it is all because you feel at home wherever you are, as long as you are with that special someone. That is what love felt like when I was in love.

But then it started getting hard. Our schedules kept us apart, my school and job kept me away for days and phone conversations got shorter and less frequent, meeting in person became a once a week thing, date nights disappeared from our lives, we started driving each other insane. When he left for a vacation and we didn’t speak for a bit more than a week, it felt good. It felt like freedom. I realized then, that I felt trapped in a relationship I was not able to keep alive. I realized that the same relationship that used to be my source of energy was draining me and that I was being unfair to me, to us, and mostly to him.

So I broke it off and continued my life like nothing ever happened. But then the volleyball season was over and so were my job obligations, then the school ended and the second my schedule cleared enough for me to catch my breath I broke. I knew, he was my one in a million, I knew he was the one, I knew there will never be anyone else like him in my life, but I also knew I put him through too much already and I was not going to put him through it again so I never bothered telling him I still loved him, even if he said it to me every time we saw each other on the street. 

I often think about us. About what would happen if instead choosing work over him, I chose the other way around. I think how happy we could have been, how our lives would be different, but then I remember that he moved on and is happier than ever. I remember the time I saw them on the street and he looked at me with a huge amount of love in his eyes, but a love different from the one we felt before. I remember I knew then that it was as real for him as it was for me, that we were each other’s right person, but it was just the wrong time and now it is too late. He is in love with someone else, they are happy and so am I. I am happy for them. And I will eventually find someone I feel at home with too, I will be okay. 

[anotherliferelatedblog]

You're happy with her, but I am still right here waiting and craving your kiss.

[anotherliferelatedblog]

Teenagers nowadays can describe their love in emojis, while I can't even describe ours with words.