How to Argue Like an Asshole
Good evening, friends, let me tell you some Secrets on how to argue like (and with) assholes. Iām writing this because I keep running into a particular asshole, and I need to stop engaging with them, and so this is an instruction sheet for myself as well as you guys.Ā
First, try to avoid assholes; they donāt deserve your time and energy. But, if an Argument is unavoidable, here are a few tips on how to emerge unscathed.Ā
Let go of the idea that youāre going to win.Ā
Youāre not gonna win. Nobody wins in an argument with an asshole. But, on the other hand, you can make them lose. You can deprive them of their entertainment and their triumph.Ā
Do not present your side of this debate.Ā
This is so counter-intuitive for most of us who believe in things like, oh, science, or real facts, or the idea that real facts can be determined by science. Hereās a cool terrible thing about humans: certainty has nothing to do with facts. And when people are certain, that is when they become assholes.Ā
When someoneās only goal is to win an argument, any real evidence or facts you give them is just ammunition for them to turn against you.Ā
You will not convince them. So what should you be doing?Ā
This is a thing of joy, because itās what assholes are used to doing. They are, at heart, morons who donāt know how to construct, only how to destroy.Ā
I used to be super emotional about arguments like this. I couldnāt think of anything to say while the other person ranted on about their horrifying bigotry. Now Iām a lawyer, and Iāve learned to weaponize my essentially nitpicky nature. For money.Ā
So here are some easy tactics you can remember and deploy:Ā
- Make them defineĀ the words they use. Nitpick the definitions.Ā
- Turn questions back on them. If they ask youĀ āwhy do you believe xā, ask them why they believe y. If they pull someĀ āI asked firstā shit, ask them why theyāre afraid to defend their beliefs.Ā
- Call them emotional.Ā If possible, pick out specific emotions. This is especially devastating when youāre debating a man, as he will get more emotional as a result.Ā
-Ā āWhy is that funny? I donāt get it.ā Making people explain mean jokes can be a delight; they just wilt the more you question them about the underlying assumptions.Ā
- Laugh at any especially dumb shit. Like they use some slogan or catchphrase thatās obviously untrue, due to science, or essentially ridiculous, likeĀ āweāve made America great again,ā and you just blurt out laughing. If they get mad, tell them ā oh, so sorry, Iāll shut up, Iām giving you the floor to talk about your beliefs. Iām respecting you. This is a goddamn power move. It gives you the high ground, and also the implied control over the situation. The floor belongs to you, but you are yielding itĀ to someone because you can.Ā
- If they make an awkward exit, let them. Especially if they call the discussionĀ āpolitical.ā It means theyāre feeling attacked. Graciously allow them to retreat with their tail between their legs. If they storm off, allow them to do that too. Congratulations; youāve ended the argument and you donāt have to deal with it anymore.Ā
Basically: hand the asshole a shovel, and letĀ āem dig. Relieve yourself of the burden to convince them they are wrong, and just sour their fun instead.Ā
Additionally, these are the tactics that assholes use, consciously or subconsciously, all the time. Recognize them. Once you know what they are, you can become immune to the intimidation and belittling tactics.Ā
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