As In Opposite

Forward and then a bit further.

[antisinful]

I made this sideblog to rant about things. Often about disabilities (as it’s a huge part of my life), but this isn’t a place made for only that either so expect other topics to come up as well.

[antisinful]

Frankly all of my illnesses and disabilities would be a lot more manageable if not for Non24. Like the sheer amount of support options that are completely out of reach for me as a direct result of this circadian rhythm disorder makes my prospects feel even more depressing than they already did.

I genuinely don’t know how to turn anything around. There is virtually no accessibility unless you have a normal circadian rhythm, and I know my mental and physical health will pay the consequences for lacking intervention down the road.

[painedandconfusedsblog]

Cleaning and deep cleaning is so fucking hard when you’re disabled.

We have all the time in the world to see the dirt, the piles, the clutter: but not the capacity to fix it. You stare at it, day after day, and it stares back. The mess becomes a mirror for all the things you maybe once could control but now can’t.

[zombiezinmydreams]

Still genuinely baffles me every time I remember that the average person isn’t in some form of pain all the time.

Like..not even a tiny bit???

It’s actually crazy to me every time I remember that most people actually don’t experience pain outside of injuries.

[talkethto-thehandeth]

Happy disability pride month to severely disabled people who are housebound/bedbound

happy disability pride month to severely disabled people who don’t have access to proper treatment or medical equipment, and are stuck without care that would ease symptoms or make their life easier

happy disability pride month to severely disabled people who won’t be getting better, and who will be getting worse, or who will be dying due to their conditions

happy disability pride month to severely disabled people with photosensitivity who can’t look at screens for long, and feel even more isolated by not being able to interact with much the disability community, even online

happy disability pride month to severely disabled people who aren’t happy to be severely disabled, but are happy to be alive

[antisinful]

Even though I have somewhere between moderate to high support needs autism, I hate the idea of science ”finding a cure” before there’s been even a genuine attempt at radically changing society into something that’s not actively hurting us.

Because why should I be expected to go through something so potentially personality and life altering, so as to not be a burden to other people? Why is the onus on me and others like me to change for society rather than have society change for us? Why can non autistic people never put in even a fraction of the effort many of us do, just to feel safe and avoid their ire?

This is a genuine political point for me. I don’t think the act of searching for a cure for autism is morally neutral in a world running on capitalism and eugenics.

It has little to do with our well being, it is solely because we are seen as being less worthy of life on a fundamental level, and being punished for suffering from ableism in every aspect of our lives.

If it was for our sake, discussions about what it even means to cure autism and whether or not it will actually be beneficial for us would be at the forefront. There would be extensive talking about the sheer diversity in autistic presentations, and whether or not curing social disability is even possible after birth.

I’m not saying that wanting a cure is bad by any means, I often wish myself that I could have been born without this.

But I just cannot stress enough that the scientific endeavour itself cannot be separated from the discrimination we face. Until we tear down the system that intentionally suffocates us, this matter will remain rooted in violence.

[antisinful]

I don’t hate my autism.

It’s not like I know of any other way to exist, or at least not from personal experience.

My point of view is just that: mine and mine alone. It has strong points and flaws just like anyone else’s, and in that sense I don’t feel all that different from other people.

I don’t hate my autism.

But I also don’t particularly love it.

I cannot explain why though, just like I cannot explain why I didn’t say something a certain way.

I don’t know how explain why I did something a certain way or not, nor why I didn’t understand what you told me even after the third time. I couldn’t tell you why I heard one thing when you clearly said something else entirely.

I couldn’t tell you why I cannot tie my shoelaces, or why I don’t just do things spontaneously, or why I don’t just stop myself from eloping and getting lost, or why I don’t just stop hurting myself when stressed.

It’s not difficult to walk, or eat, or speak, or read, nor to understand and comprehend.

Of course, everyone struggles with it. You just have to do it until it works.

That’s why I needed to try harder. Because why would I not do things if it wasn’t due to a lack of willpower?

I became obsessed with language and rhetoric from an early age. I understood the importance of language, as both a tool and an art form. In my mind, if I could just learn to master it, people would finally understand what I was saying.

It only made it worse. People saw natural talent where there was only years of effort, and no small amount of trial and error.

Not only did I not learn how to properly advocate for myself… my work only served to further confuse the people who I needed to understand me the most.

Even now, no matter how many words I use, I still cannot describe the heart of the matter in any clear detail. Only vague concepts with little substance, even in this very text.

I list my struggles, but it’s not specific enough. I try to elaborate, but I’m trying to describe something I don’t actually understand.

Because that too is a part of the disability, to not understand your own feelings and needs, and thus being unable to adequately ask for help.

It doesn’t matter then, that you can’t live alone without the risk of actual death. That you can’t eat whatever is available even if the alternative is starving.

It doesn’t matter that you can’t leave the house without someone to guide you, or that you require guardians to advocate for you in your stead for all legal matters.

Even any strengths you maybe have might not help you.

I might have learned to write after decades of practicing, but I still struggle with reading comprehension. It was noted as my main weakness during my evaluation, and it’s something I consistently have to fight with, whether I read for fun or legal reasons.

I could not finish education, and the decision that I would never have a job was made for me before I ever knew what I’d been born with.

When asked about my future, I feel the need to specify that I’m involuntarily childfree, because the choice was never mine to make in the first place, regardless of whatever hypothetical outcome.

If not for my guardians helping to manage many aspects of my life for me, I would not be alive today. No amount of consequences helps me ’overcome’ my difficulties, and in fact only makes things worse.

Why don’t I just do the things that would make my life easier?

It’s a good question. And it’s certainly logical, as it would greatly increase my quality of life. Practically every aspect of my life could be made easier if I just did what everyone is expected to do.

… So why don’t I? Or rather, why can’t I?

Why can’t I seem to learn or get better from my experiences? Why can’t I ever seem to get used to the things that bother me? Why can’t I be normal?

I’ve asked myself that many question many times, but I’ve also wondered other things.

Things such as: why won’t people accept me as I am? Why do they treat me differently from how they’d treat others? Why do even other people with this same diagnosis claim that people like me give them a bad reputation?

I don’t hate my autism, nor do I love it. Tearing down capitalism will remove some problems, while far more of them are completely unrelated to whichever economic system we live under.

A classless, moneyless and stateless society would ensure I wouldn’t have to worry about affording food for example, while simultaneously it wouldn’t cure my eating disorder.

And I think ultimately that’s the heart or it all. Autism make me ill suited for many aspects of basic living, and that’s not even getting into the troubles from multiple chronic illnesses, all of which seem to often be comorbid.

But I’m also just kind of okay with that. Because life by its very nature cannot be absolutely perfect without some level of adversity.

Maybe it’s simply not the metric we should be using to determine whether or not we deserve life and care.

I don’t love my autism… but I also don’t hate it.

It’s the only way I’ve ever known how to be, and it’s the only way I’ll continue to be for as long as I live.

I don’t think I have to love my circumstances in order to find life worthwhile regardless.

Suffering is a poor indicator for whatever value there is to living. There is so much artificial, manmade suffering that the discussion feels almost like a distraction from the issues that make caregiving such a demanding role to be in.

Until radical change is done, I don’t see the point in morally justifying or condemning my own existence.

Let me instead just be what being me entails, including my joy and my hardships. Everything that makes me flawed, and hypocritical, and annoying, and a burden.

The parts of me that people love even when they’re difficult to see, or difficult to find altogether.

Someone who loves people but hide from them simultaneously. Someone who can’t do what most can for their friends, but can go above and beyond in other areas in ways that most people can’t.

A person who’s just one of many who have walked the earth in the past, and many who will in the future.

Unremarkable in the grander scale, and thus in that essence not so different from other people after all.

[bareniabirkin]

😟😳😳😳

[squadron-of-damned]

#idk what this means or if i do this but ig i'll just hold my phone with my pinky stuck out from now on?? 

Good question, also no that won’t help.

shitty MS Paint 3 minutes doodle, nto entirely accurate: When you have your pinky hooked on the “bottom” edge of the phone for the extra security so it doesn’t slide out of your hand that easily, you’re wreaking damage on your hand, since the pinky is extremely askew from it’s resting position. You might have noticed that when you hold your phone like that for long time it begins to hurt, like when you are gripping a pen too tightly for example.

Green lines - the fingers are going their natural way. Red line - the pinky is way off, that’s bad.

[theclockworkjudas]

Me: Oh, good thing I never-

Me, looking down at hand: By talos this can't be happening

[h4nds4ndwich]

oh thats why my hadns have started to always be in pain ok

[antisinful]

How do you even cope with feeling fundamentally unlikeable because of autism? I just want to crawl into a hole and cry

[openmindpsych]

shoutout to people who are rejected from neurodivergent communities.

medium and high support needs autistic people who often get left out of the conversation or spoken over.

people with "just" anxiety and/or depression who are treated as if their problems are lesser.

people with OCD who have intrusive thoughts about really taboo subjects (yes, even that one). people with OCD who don't hate themselves for every intrusive thought, or who have learned to be okay with their thoughts. people with OCD who genuinely worry they might be xyz type of bad person (yes, even that type). people with OCD who don't know if they violate people's DNIs because of their intrusive thoughts.

people with psychosis or any schizophrenia spectrum disorder. people who are left out of the conversation, stigmatized, shunned away as too scary to talk about or include. people whose conditions are frequently misunderstood and demonized.

people with DID, OSDD, or any other complex dissociative disorder. people whose mental illness is glamorized and idealized and misunderstood. people whose condition is deemed fake or performative, made up for attention. people whose condition is heavily debated even among the scientific community.

people with cluster B personality disorders who are treated as evil. people whose conditions are often the "exception" to others' neurodivergent positivity posts. people who can't google their condition without seeing posts about abusers, toxic people, people labeled as evil or crazy or attention seeking or manipulative, and any other demonizing language.

people with non-cluster B personality disorders who are often forgotten and left out of the conversation. people whose conditions are widely unknown or underdiscussed. people who struggle to find a community for their experiences.

anybody who is "a stereotype." people who actually do look like the image that everyone in their community tries to insist is just a stereotype. people who are not responsible for the ableism their community faces and are tired of being treated like they are.

anybody who has done things they regret because of their mental illness. people who were abusive, who were harmful, who were toxic. people who developed addictions, made mistakes, ruined their lives. people who want to do better and wish they could be treated with compassion as they try.

anybody who was wronged by the system. people who were given a stigmatizing label that marks them for the rest of their life. people who are shamed out of communities, rejected or fired from jobs, turned away from even mental health professionals who are supposed to be helpful.

anybody who is "too disabled". people whose experiences are left out of conversations where more abled people are trying to frantically prove their validity to neurotypicals. people who can't do things, people who need help, people who will never be independent.

anybody who is left out for who they are. BIPOC, physically disabled people, intersex people, religious people, and more. people who are excluded from mainstream conversations, and whose discussions about intersectionality are ignored or talked over. people who struggle to find others who are like them.

and so many more.

neurodivergence is supposed to be a welcoming community for everybody. and we have a long way to go before that will be the case. but we're working towards it, one step at a time.

[autisticghostss]

many autistic people need people use simpler words when talking to them

many autistic people need tasks broken into tiny steps to understand how do something

many autistic people need positive feedback in way that other think condescending

many autistic people childish and have childish interests

many autistic people have to always be supervised never alone because of risk of hurt self or get in dangerous situations

many autistic people have violent messy big meltdown, even in public

many autistic people struggle with speech always will maybe rest of life (non verbal, semi verbal, demi verbal etc.)

AND most of these autistic people higher support needs + level 2 & 3 autism, don’t forget or ignore us. can’t say “that not true just stereotypes” when it just symptom and sign of higher support needs higher level autism.

you want to raise awareness for lower support needs level 1 autism and yes good ok!!!! but not this way where throw HrSN level 2+3 autistic under bus.

- winnie

[ieatratsyummy]

I feel like the idea of flat affect has been so watered down for people. Flat affect doesn't just mean having a "bitchface", and it never has been just that.

How flat affect presents for me:

Limited expressions, I need to be actively thinking about making an expression to have it happen. Additionally, it often takes multiple tries to get the expression I intended. This isn't limited to positive expressions, I also struggle to make expressions conveying things like surprise.

Practicing facial expressions as a child. Being told my smile is "fake" by adults when they wanted a picture.

Having limited tone, I struggle to convey different emotions through my voice unless I am actively attempting. This presents for me mostly as, I will make a joke and people will think I am being dead serious. Multiple times I have made something I thought was very obviously a joke, and then someone will ask me later on if I was being serious.

Shocking teachers and counselors when I do show emotion, but also not showing negative emotions how people without flat affect do. I had a panic attack, and one of my counselors managed to walk right past me crying, because I had a flat expression despite being actively sobbing. The day after this another counselor pulled me to ask if I was ok, she said she was so worried hearing that I'd cried because I "never show much emotion".

I take selfies over and over, because I cannot get the "right expression", which has resulted in me giving up and just taking selfies with my resting face. Of course if I show someone a selfie I took, the conversation always is about how I am not smiling, and how weird that is.

If you have flat affect, please feel free to add your experiences in the comments/reblogs!

[softcervid]

"Autism is only a disability because we live in a world where allistics don't accommodate for us" is possibly the most annoying take ever. Even if we lived in an ideal world I would still be disabled. No amount of accommodation is going to change the way my brain and body react to things. No amount of accommodation is going to change the fact I cannot live independently.

[quietafternoon]

most of the time am just living live, not really think about fact am disabled, but sometimes when do realize it hits me all at once.

like, am aware am disabled, am aware that own live is different from people my age without disability. But sometimes is just sad moment of really understanding what that mean.

so so much grief about not be able do things people my age do, so upset about every missed experience.

Going to parties, attending school and then university, going out late with friends, getting a drivers license, getting own apartment, doing job i dreamed of doing since was a little kid.

or even small things like going somewhere on own or making my favorite food or washing my hair when i want to, not having to wait until carer has time to do it for me.

all that and much more not possible.

most of the time am fine with my life, am content.

But everytime have moment where see all the things missed out on, is very very hard.

[chiropire]

A sentiment I see sometimes, mostly in the high masking level 1 LSN autistic community, is the disdain for all labels about how impaired you are, especially the autism levels and support needs.

A lot of what I see is people saying they're bad, there's no need for them and that they have no use, that they're basically functioning labels and ableist, that we shouldn't be comparing ourselves and each other, and that they somehow don't include high masking people.

None of these things are true, they ignore the fact that often these labels are self-identifiers, and honestly, I think when having discussions on terminology like autism levels and support needs, the voices of levels 2-3 and HrSN people need to be centred. We're the people who need these terms, we're the people who often depend on them to actually communicate our needs, so when people go around saying these terms are bad without having so much as an afterthought about us it is really upsetting and hurtful.

I've seen people say we don't need the terms because we can just explain the supports we need as if it was so easy to do so. Many of us have such complex needs that trying to explain them all the time isn't possible.

[autistic-answers]

I think some level 1, LSN, and high-masking people feel uncomfortable acknowledging that other people have needs higher than theirs are.

But that doesn't mean your needs are unimportant. Or that it's okay to stifle voices that you, personally, find uncomfortable to acknowledge. And yes, denying people vocabulary to describe themselves is stifling them.

Being inclusive to autistic people means being inclusive towards all of us, not just those of us who are more independent.

[cromulentenough]

It's insane that you're expected to HAVE to gender someone whenever you refer to them in the third person.

Singular they was meant to be and (and mostly still is) the way to refer to someone without gendering them! using singular they was the 'it's too hard to make a new gender neutral singular third person pronoun catch on, lets just use singular they, we already use it for unknown gender and have for ages, it's the most feasible way' compromise.

calling someone 'they' is not misgendering them, it's NOT gendering them at all. it's going 'i'm not telling you what gender this person i'm referring to is'.

maybe it's because i don't know their gender (classic use case), maybe it's because i don't want you to know (i've done this when i'm talking about cis friends to family who think men and women shouldn't be allowed to be friends), maybe i just don't think it's relevant to the conversation at hand, maybe it's because they're agender or nonbinary or their gender is complicated (the people who say 'my pronouns are they/them').

maybe it's a losing battle, and the use of singular they has shifted from all the people in the last category that we really do need to come up with a new word if we want to refer to people without bringing up people's gender in english.

But i think it's unreasonable to go 'i'm not someone in that last category, so you are never allowed to talk about me without explicitly mentioning my gender in any conversation you have with anyone ever'.

@the-grey-tribe relevant to discussions we've had before.

[hareofhrair]

You're not wrong, and I don't think most reasonable people would be upset about being referred to as they in those circumstances (you don't know their gender, you're keeping their gender anonymous ect).

But you seem to be missing the context in which "they" is often used with the express intention of misgendering. It's super common for people to use "they" for people they know for a fact are trans women, as a softer form of the way "it" pronouns are often used to dehumanize trans people. But "they" also comes packaged with a form of plausible deniability that allows them to justify the misgendering by redirecting the conversation towards whether "they" is a valid anonymous singular pronoun, and away from the fact that they knew the woman in question's pronouns and were deliberately choosing not to use them, for a reason.

I also know at least one cis lesbian who deeply dislikes being referred to with "they" pronouns, because various intersecting factors of her appearance, sexuality, and neurotype mean she is often de-gendered in a similar way as trans women.

This is the form of using "they" which people acting in good faith object to and consider misgendering. If you know someone's preferred pronouns, choosing not to use them is still misgendering, even if you're using the "neutral" de-gendered pronoun.

And unfortunately, the fact that this is such a common and hurtful thing to run into even in queer spaces, means there are going to be people who are more sensitive to it than others or who react more aggressively to protect themselves. And we need to be patient with that, even if the reaction seems unreasonable to us, because we understand that they are responding less to us than to the years of prejudiced behavior they've been exposed to before us.

[bauliya]

ever since i got access to american library cards thanks to tumblr user anneemay (pbuh) 2 weeks ago ive lost even the 3% sympathy i had for americans crying ofc we’re stupid and illiterate our schools suck!!! because you assholes have had FREE ACCESS to THOUSANDS of books and audiobooks and classic films this ENTIRE TIME you’ve been blaming your schools for your elected ignorance!!! from my home in India I’ve listened to eight audiobooks and watched half of cronenberg’s oevre and I’m watching nosferatu (1922) today and I can’t even go to a library in person and you people have had these things your entire life yet you come on tumblr at 18 19 20 and say you don’t know who james baldwin is and if you expect me to you’re classist and 18 year old Americans are too stupid to know bombing foreign countries kills people so it’s okay if they choose to do that rather than work at McDonald’s and of course I have no idea what stocks are or what colonialism is and MCU is the height of cinema and it’s feminist to wear makeup like. my god. you people are going to go through the rest of your life being incoherently stupid and it’s not because you’re poor and it’s not because your schools suck but its because you’re so ensconced in your American privilege that you will never be forced to confront the realities of life and you can go on living your Disney adult fantasies because you’ve destroyed your innate human curiosity and potential at the altar of hyper consumption.

[bauliya]

….somehow I don’t think it’s harder to get library access to quality libraries from a poor state in the US than it is from INDIA in ASIA across an OCEAN where I am currently

[relevant-catnik]

Because internet access is also significantly more expensive in the US than India, so no, it is not automatically easy for impoverished Americans to access those resources, particularly impoverished minors.

[imsobadatnicknames2]

Have you never encountered the concept of purchasing power?

When you convert the cost of ANYTHING in another country to the equivalent dollar amount and it comes down to an amonut that an American might consider comically low it doesn't mean people over there are are living life on easy mode and enjoying a ridiculously low cost of living, it means that you're not accounting for the differences in purchasing power between the two currencies and the fact that the currency of most global south countries is so devalued compared to the US dollar that even tiny dollar amounts like $5 or $10 are worth A LOT of money in a lot of these countries.

Like yeah... 1GB of mobile data in India costs $0.26. But before you go "wow they have it so easy" like your tags imply. Consider the fact that the minimum wage for a day of full-time employment in India is 178 INR, which comes down to $2.08 USD.

So yeah... when converted to dollars, someone in India pays one fraction of what an American pays for 1GB of mobile data. Whoop dee doo. This completely counteracted by the fact that a minimum wage worker in India is paid for an entire day of full-time employment LESS THAN ONE THIRD of what a minimum wage worker in the US is paid in AN HOUR, which is exactly why you can't make these comparisons by simply converting things to the equivalent dollar amount and leave it at that. Because it's not that things are cheaper in India, it's that due to unequal economic power dynamics between countries, a dollar is LITERALLY worth a lot more for someone India (and for that matter in pretty much every country in Latin America, Africa and Asia) than it is for someone in the US.

And frankly, the fact that Americans can go their entire life without ever needing to be aware of this while people in the global south HAVE to know this shit in order to navigate the world is another example of exactly what OP is talking about.

[imsobadatnicknames2]

Inb4 some yank mf tries to rebuke with something like "but you wouldn't get it, a lot of jobs in the US get away with paying less than minimum wage 🥺" or some shit.

[imsobadatnicknames2]

I know I'm beating a dead horse but this response really is like a category 7 yankee event. Like you see a post about how annoying the self-victimizing attitude that americans assume about their own ignorance and lack of curiosity about the world (despite the fact that their access to information puts them in an incredibly privileged position compared to most of the global community) is, and your response is to self-victimize about how the person from a third-world country is the one speaking from a place of privilege of assumedly cheap and widely available internet access and thus "punching down" at impoverished americans, and your proof is some graphs that completely misrepresent reality by directly converting prices to american currency without making any attempt to account for the economic conditions of the countries listed (and specifically the fact that the amount of US dollars that in the U.S. is considered literal pocket change often represents several entire days of minimum wage labor when converted to the currency of most third-world countries).

Yanks are impossible to satirize sometimes.

[garrettwrites]

Also, might I add that there's plenty of scientific and academic papers available online. For free. In some websites you get 100 papers per account, or x amount per day, but free nonetheless. I abused those during university (and I'm not from the USA, I'm Portuguese). You can check the papers' sources for more refs and books on your subjects of choice. And before you moan about the language being too difficult, you can work your way up towards more academic language by reading papers geared towards teenagers or the general public. English is not my native tongue, nor the one I'm fluent in when it comes to academic language, yet I manage to do it just fine.

It is so easy to get information nowadays. Fuck, if you don't know where to start, check the listed sources on wikipedia articles and go from there, I'm sure those resources will be available online or *gasp* at the library.

It's okay for you not to have learned X in school and, afterwards, never having felt the need to pursue the knowledge. But if you want to be ignorant, don't blame your access to resources. People in the USA have it so fucking easy compared to everyone else, starting with the fact most shit in the world is already translated to english.

And if YOU are an american who actually goes out and does research and uses libraries and online archives... I'm sorry you get called elitist for using free resources. My best wishes to you. Hope you manage to get your friends to join in and spread the word.