I will be remixing my generative writing about choosing a college into a larger explanation into my though process over those eventful months. It’s better performed with emphasis. Clearly this isn't the whole story but here is but a glimpse of my thoughts- similar to free verse in poetry.
Enter my circle of so called friends out of convenience.
On my campus of mainly upper White pillaged people, we were the group taking AP classes and the captains on teams, heading to top geared schools.
You see my friends were being accepted into UCLA, Cal and Stanford. While there I was like um so that’s not me.
I was expected to have life together. Whatever that means.
I joined this pristine group my sophomore year after being a bando- part of the band but not complete because the color guard was not considerably completely a band kid . Thoughts in my head played hid and seek. Doubts of ability and questions like “will I ever be as smart like them” had answers yelling saying “NO.”
I have no idea what school to be part of.
This entire time, I thought some deep magical double rainbow moment of insight would come to me.
Picking a college is like picking out a wedding dress. From the perspective of being a bridesmaid, I understand the pressure of choosing a white dress to represent the marriage. Similarly, dedicating to a college to be the college is filled with pressure.
They told me I could do anything. Was it wrong for me to believe them? They were my parents, school and friends. I was expected to have life together. Whatever that means.
Grades that were in the top percentile, a bright personality, clubs, clubs, clubs- other extra curricular.
I looked good on paper. My applications were complete.
Me and my happy spirits. Teachers who know me, call me whimsical. I was comfortable about being a little different in our little group of high achievers- the unsaid “dumb one”. I started merrily along the process of college.
My epic college essay was geared for the readers of my fate
Topic- commitment to anti Sex Trafficking Club. (Community service and social justice- yes that's playing the game to look good, dramatic: yes- honestly authentic- yes)
From SoCal to New York, I applied like tossing seeds across a yard with weeds. I knew I was expected to go to college. I expected to get into a few backups. Applying to colleges was a mix of emotions from doubt and simply hoping my story was more a captivating then my number.
1 test 1 fate. 1 number to say: You are good enough, 1 number defining me as ready to enter a higher education. A number to say I am able. It’s been said this number does not explain my passions, emotions and interests. Yet this score of intelligence directs life choices. Let it be said once again for my own well being. This number is not my fate. Now whisper it now shoat it. This number is not ME
I was expected to have life together. Whatever that means.
I wanted to get away from my small town and see a change. It didn’t matter where. I researched to a minimally. I was never good enough. To be good enough was not really a characteristic I thought of myself. Sure I was confident, but the thought of college scared me. The practice of comparison stole my self-worth.
To my surprise I got into more schools then I expected. A problem in the excitement- Now I had options. Let the indecision begin. The 2 top schools I was rejected to.
Here I created the epic excel sheer Homer would be most proud of. What school has the best campus? Food? Options? Professors, clubs? Price? Scholarships?
Did I want a small school or a big one?
I bring you to May 30th. The date college decision are due. At 11:50 pm, I choose UMASS. Why did I even apply? Because you could take classes at other colleges and all-knowing College Broad recommended the school based on characteristics.
Done. I didn't visit UMASS, know anything about the weather other than it’s colder and not spring year round. I didn't know UMASS is considered a party school or how it is associated with other schools like the UC System. I was naive and vision-less. I knew UMASS website, not UMASS reality.
1 day later I discovered a got into a school I was wait-listed to. Um what.
Not happening I had to finally decide-again.
I eventually accepted this private schools acceptance in beautiful upper NY .I was technically registered to be part of two campus in the fall.
That wonderful magical pixie dust moment of insight would be great to show up. no, it didn't. .
Then summer came, like many I found myself on YouTube watching silly videos to pass some spare time. UMASS Doo Wop Shop Acapella group came in my feed. What a video, I almost went there. Then I searched for the school I was currently switched to going to acapella group and it was terrible. This got me searching into the all realms of the internet see how limiting a small liberal arts campus was.
My head was filled with thoughts and emotions of “what am I doing with my life” and “Nothing makes sense in the world” and even “who am I.
” The world was not ending but to me it was.
In July, a few weeks before orientation I emailed UMASS and was back in the system and was done with the small liberal arts school
Yes a YouTube acappella group picked my college(Slightly embarrassin) I still don’t know where I’m supposed to be but I am content at where I am. This is the difference.