Shit Sandwich

We don't like music as much as we used to. We're aiming to find out if that's because new music in 2011 isn't all that good, or if it's because we haven't been looking hard enough.

[apetunes]

Who sings "rough and tumble with me" ?

John Waite, I suppose.

[apetunes]

Now That's What I Call Music! 37 (U.S. series)

Now That's What I Call Music! 37 EMI Lee - Now that's what I call shit.

[apetunes]

Cobra Skulls - Bringing The War Home

Cobra Skulls - Bringing The War Home Fat Wreck Chords Lee - Our saviours?

Ste - Well that is clearly the best cover ever, so possibly. Cobra Skulls though? Seriously? I bet loads of half-soaked metalheads go to their shows. Lee - That's exactly what I was thinking, especially with song titles like Doomsday Parade.

Ste - Remember Deep Blue Something? They called themselves Leper Messiah originally and loads of metal guys went to their shows. Silly bastards. Fuck them.

Lee - It's got brass this! Trump trumpety trump trump.

Ste - It certainly has, Brain. Don't know if it needed it though, and it came in late too. Seems a bit pointless to me at the end of the friggin' song.

Lee - I liked it. I wasn't expecting it at all and I like little curio like that in music. Just so long as it doesn't turn into a ska record.

Ste - Oh here, here. Lee - It's somewhere between punk and very earnest workmanlike rock n' roll this second track.

Ste - ICE in the Night! ICE in the Night! I feel like I already know this you know. Reminds me of Return of the Fly by the Misfits but a lot more jolly and without the horror. And ICE in the Night followed by Hot Sand, very clever.

Lee - I kind of hope this is a taster EP for an album coming out later this year, I'd be quite up for hearing that.

Ste - What is with that cover, mate? I can't stop looking at it. I absolutely love it. It's hilarious but I can't work out why.

Lee - It looks like a Disney family on a background of ICI. That smiling woman on her mobile...tremendous.

Ste - Yep. It's Middlesbrough. Those stupid chavs hugging each other. Fuck me. That's pretty much how I feel about the whole world right now so it's current at least, more than Magnum could ever be.

Lee - They look like Hannah Montannas to me. And you know what? Until about a month ago, I didn't know that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus were actually the same person.

Ste - Do you know that Bruce Wayne is Batman?

Lee - Well, sure. Ste - That's the premise, pal!  Lee - It is?! What?! 

Ste - The thing about that show is it's fucking horrible because Hannah is a total bitch.

Lee - Wait, so Miley Cyrus is in that show? As herself?

Ste - Yeah! In the show she has an alter ego. I think she's called Miley something else.

Lee - HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!

Ste - Watch it.

Lee - NO!

Ste - You really should. You have to know your enemies, pal.

Lee - You're banned from ApeTunes, pal.

Ste - Anyway, Hot Sand passed me by there.

Lee - Me too. So did Give You Nothing. Life In Vain is good though, and it's not even a cover of a shitty, barely-known unreleased Oasis demo.

Ste - Give You Nothing has a nice change. More tempo changes. Let's be honest though, they could never live up to that cover. Nobody could. Maybe that was the thinking behind Deerhoof, maybe they had that picture for their cover too and at the last minute one of them said "Y'know, guys...If we put this album out with this cover, we won't get any attention regarding our music. That's not good...we'll give it it to the Cobra Skull guys."

Lee - I'd like to think there exists a world in which Cobra Skulls and Deerhoof are really good mates. It's the same world as this:

[apetunes]

John Waite - Rough and Tumble

John Waite - Rough and Tumble Frontiers Lee - Crap this, pal. I'm embarrassed to have it on.

Ste - He looks sinister. Like a gay rapist. And, oh no! His album's called "Rough and Tumble!"

Lee - Crap. Crap Rock.

Ste - OK, Rough & Tumble - "When the game gets rough...we can play rough too." Triple H would come out to that. "Rough and tumble with me!" LOLOLOL! Does this make anybody wet? That's what he's going for. Do any birds think "Phwooooor! I'd love to rough and tumble with him and that rugged tight leather jacket wrapped around my waist! Yee haaw!"

Lee - Why is track 2 a bonus track?! Don't bonus tracks usually get tacked on to the end of an album? Points at least for absurdity. It's better than track 1 but it's still so cringe-worthy. It's a BIG ballad. Like Bryan Adams-level rock.

Ste - I like his voice more than Bryan Adams I think.

Lee - I don't think his voice has anything to it really.

Ste - Shadows of Love is a poor excuse for a ballad and a bonus track really. Leave it on the shelf, pal. Who produced this record anyway? Billy Ray Cyrus? It's too country for me. Hardcore country.

Lee - Evil is definitely too country.

Ste - I like the start of Evil for some reason. It sounds like it'll go all left field but then, no, it's crap. "It's Evil...lalalalala" I didn't think I'd ever hear "evil" and "lalalala" in such close proximity so that has to count for something, and the production at least is good.

Lee - I thought the production was awful actually. I don't like the sound of the drums at all. It's far too cocksure.

Ste - Wait...this guy is English?! He sounds like a right Yank. This is definitely Bryan Adams now.

Lee - He really wants those big arena ballads, doesn't he? I feel bad for him in a way though. He obviously wears his heart on his sleeve but whatever you think of Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams...at least they had something to them, like a tune with a big chorus that everyone knew. This is like a poor man's Jon Bon Jovi. Imagine that! A POOR MAN's Jon Bon Jovi!

Ste - Well, I still dig Slippery When Wet, it's just the direction they went after that. Midnight in Chelsea, remember that? Sick joke that was, pal. Anyway, some of these opening riffs are good.

Lee - They're all a bit too cockrock for me.

Ste - Oh yeah. He's pumped full of testosterone then turns into a fanny! What's with that? Singing about shagging your brains out under the sheets and being all evil then the next song will be about him asking if his bird feels lonely and how he'll be there for her, etc. These folk always do that.

Lee - Sweet Rhode Island Red I think is an Ike and Tina Turner cover but it's all gone a bit ZZ Top.

Ste - Is Mr. Wonderful a Paul Orndorff tribute track? Be nice of him what with Orndorff being ill an' all. Kudos for that if it is.

Lee - Right. I'm tapping out. I can't take it any more. It's way too bland. Crap Rock for Big Fannies.

Ste - Well, I don't hate this as much as you. In fact, I bet he's a top bloke really. Let's get him round for the pub quiz. Lee - Yeah, he probably is a nice bloke, I just don't think he's talented enough to really achieve what he's shooting for. Well done for having a go though. 

Ste - Anyway, this is easily the only thing I've listened to today.

[apetunes]

Social Distortion - Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes

Social Distortion - Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes Epitaph Lee - For some reason I can't really explain, I'd always assumed Social Distortion were a hardcore band, so I'm kind of taken by how melodic it is.

Ste - I admired some of it I suppose but I thought it was very un-Epitaph. Epitaph are weird now.

Lee - Yeah but music changes, doesn't it? Bands change, labels change...even genres progress. You can't really expect Epitaph to still be stuck in the mid-90s and releasing nothing but California-soaked skate punk albums. Ste - I actually liked some of the bluesy stuff, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear I suppose.

Lee - I don't get the point of opening a record with a song without vocals, especially one that isn't very interesting or as up-tempo as it needs to be. If you do that, it should be short and totally kick-ass and really hype you up but this doesn't really do that, and I found almost the whole album to be solid background music that never really threatened to capture my imagination. Having said that though, I thought Still Alive was excellent, one of the best songs I've heard so far this year. And it sounds like Me First and the Gimme Gimmes doing Where Do Broken Hearts Go? so points for that. Best thing on the album by a mile.

Ste - Still Alive has a lack of whoa's.

[apetunes]

White Lies - Ritual

White Lies - Ritual Fiction Ste - What the fuckery is this?

Lee - I don't know but it sounds 80's as hell.

Ste - And not the good 80's. Certainly not the 80s with Mr Drummond not getting married. This is the one where did get married. To that mad tart. Remember that?

Lee - Strangers is alright. You can feel the eyeliner and hairspray though.

Ste - I like the smell of hairspray. But not the movie. But yeah, Strangers could have been a hit in the early 80's. Probably a bit too long, mind.

Lee - Actually, I've heard Bigger Than Us everywhere the last few weeks. You'll probably recognise it once it gets to the chorus. It's quite airy and anthemic.

Ste - I'm not sure I have heard this actually, which is funny 'cos I work in a pub. Okay, this is like Spandeau Ballet now.

Lee - Apart from Strangers and Bigger Than Us, it's not very good, is it?

Ste - Well...I don't hate it. That's all I can say really.

Lee - No, it's not hateable. Couple of alright tunes. The rest of it is bland as hell and really drags on. It's all a bit sleek-industrial.

Ste - That describes January 2011 to a tee. But yeah, this has got some moments of near-epicness but it never quite gets there. Which is like everything else half-decent we've heard this month. Or average I should probably say. It has it's place, I'm sure. Who buys stuff like this though?

Lee - I don't know. It's about halfway between Glastonbury and Clubland isn't it. Are there many people out there for who that crosspoint is their preferred genre? Glasto anthems meets big dance tunes? I wouldn't have thought so. Ste - No, I agree. 

Lee - The Power & The Glory is about Herc n' Jerk. Well...I wish it was. But it isn't.

Ste - What a crappy month.

[apetunes]

The Get Up Kids - There Are Rules

The Get Up Kids - There Are Rules Quality Hill Ste - I haven't heard this band for a long time.

Lee - The fuck is this? I'm a pretty big Get Up Kids fan but this isn't the album I wanted from them at all.

Ste - Doesn't sounds like they're having a good time. I expected happiness.

Lee - They actually split up for about six years but it's like, when a band does that, you expect the comeback record to sound more upbeat and more like their early days. This sounds more like a band frustrated by what they've become, or even frustrated by each other so they're doing something a bit more out there to get it out of their system, but they've had six years off, they shouldn't be making their experimental record now. I just don't get it.

Ste - Well, sometimes that works but this first track just sounds like a battle.

Lee - The whole record sounds like that. Someone needs to explain it to me because I really don't understand it. Well done I suppose for trying something a bit different but this is just a mess.

Ste - Regent's Court is better but it doesn't seem to go anywhere and, oh look, two minutes in and it's over. What was the point of that? That's a B-side that, fellas. There Are Rules and they don't follow them. Chortle. Lee - Their B-sides collection has a version of Alec Eiffel on it so they've got good taste at least. Not that you'd know it from this, this doesn't have any tunes or any melodies on it. It's just some noise, even though it's not a noise record. It's absolutely not The Get Up Kids record I was hoping to hear. 

Ste - Shatter Your Lungs reminds me of someone but I can't quite put my finger on it. Tell you what, it's almost Tom Petty's Don't Come Around Here No More! But obviously about one tenth as good.

Lee - This is by far the most disappointing record of 2011 so far. To me it is anyway.

Ste - I don't know 'em well enough, I just remember them on a Punkexplosion video. Can't remember the name of it but at least they seemed to be having a lot of fun in that. Obviously not any more. They seem to have fallen into a weird 80's experimental vortex.

Lee - Yeah, I'd much rather be listening to Something to Write Home About. This doesn't even have the token song where they sound like their old selves.

Ste - What is with Automatic?! Who the hell produced this?

Lee - The bassist out of Shellac did, but he he produced some of their old stuff as well so I've no idea what's going on.

Ste - I see what they're doing at times but it's been done before and much better. Rally 'Round The Fool has the repeated line "It's all over." Yes, fellas, it is. And I betcha Damon Albarn probably likes it.

Lee - Probably. The fucking world music-loving weirdo. Africans banging sticks together and shit.

Ste - What is with 13 exactly?! I'm asking that over ten years later. And I knew someone who loved that, the silly twat! Tender, for fucks sake. Coffee and TV is alright. Better with the video, mind.

Lee - 13 is the one that was all introverted and shit, isn't it? With the gospel choir and all that. Coffee and TV I liked a lot. No Distance Left To Run had it's moments. Good singles band largely were Blur. One of my old bands actually was called To The End after one of their songs. We sounded nowt like 'em but we had a gig, we needed a name and I was listening to the French version of that.

Ste - This album is nothing like what I expected was my point anyway.

Lee - Well made.

Ste - Just so you know now, I bet Bush's new album is amazing. Like the best thing they've ever done. Ever. And about two people buy it. It's always the way. And all the music critics say how they were never that good to begin with and it's the surprise of the year, etc.

Lee - I sincerely hope that happens. Ste - Meanwhile, everybody's humming along to Willow Smith or some new RnB'er who's going on about how she doesn't know her name...and what's THAT all about? I demand to know. Why do they want us to know their name so badly? Snoop Dogg, yeah, ok, that's the most popular one, fine...Eminem, yeah, ok...that's a pisstake...this latest bird, "Say my name, say my name"... fuck off. I don't know your name! Fuck RnB, man. Fuck it in the fuck.

[apetunes]

Tapes 'n Tapes - Outside

Tapes 'n Tapes - Outside Ibid Ste - After listening to Deerhoof you expect me to take to this?! And I bet the singer looks like someone I'd want to twat. Lee - Speaking of which, have you seen the new Razorlight promo? THAT is a fucking disgrace.

Ste - Dozy fuckers. Fucking hell. You know what the funniest one to me is? That Linkin Park cover where they're all looking off in different directions because it just reminds me of Faith +1, where Cartman tells them to stand around all looking in different directions to be cool. Like it's this massive cliché, then Linkin Park brought that album cover out afterwards and thus "LOL." Lee - So 2011 seems to be the year of the understated accordion.

Ste - Unreal, eh? Never saw that coming. Lee - I once taught myself how to play a bad version of Live Forever on an accordion, and I'll say this much - they're fucking difficult to play. Ste - Tapes 'n Tapes though...great name. More tapes in the world. Can't get enough tapes. Lee - I'm still waiting for something exciting to happen. It's started alright then gotten progressively less good and hasn't shown any signs of picking back up. One In The World is a bit comedy too. Ste - It's not Demi Lavato, is it? Nothing is. Lee - People You Know is ok but it's taken a long fucking time to get there. And even then, the refrain "It's always the people you know" is really grating. I just like that the intro sounds like Earth Angel. But still, nine tracks of pure mediocrity and three that are only slightly better. Not good.

Ste - Yeah, it's done nothing for me this. I've given up on it. It's all very 'meh' to me. I don't know how people write songs like that.

Lee - Maybe they were contractually obliged and had a tight deadline. I mean, if those are the songs you've got, you wouldn't want to put that record out, would you? Not unless you had to.

Ste - I dunno what to say. It's not my thing. Like hot apple pie. Cold apple pie is best.

[apetunes]

Deerhoof - Deerhoof vs. Evil

Deerhoof - Deerhoof vs. Evil Polyvinyl Ste - Deerhoof vs. Evil! Not exactly a dream match on the level of Marvel vs. Capcom, is it? And that can't be the cover. Lee - It looks like it was knocked up on some free CD burning software, yeah. But I had a listen to this earlier and...it's pretty unique.

Ste - What the hell is this?!!! CONFUSION. My head hurts. This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I mean, you complain about experimentation and stuff but fuck me. I think Evil is winning. Lee - It's just experimental weirdism, isn't it?

Ste - No, this is another level. Yoko Ono would be wetting herself. Look at the song titles! Let's Dance The Jet! Panda, Panda, Panda! "Panda, panda, panda, panda, China! Panda, panda, panda, panda, bamboo!" It's comedy genius. Behold a Marvel in the Darkness is fucking brilliant. I could imagine it playing over the credits of a Studio Ghibli film so that's a win. In fact, maybe Deerhoof are winning after all. Lee - I Did Crimes For You! Super Duper Rescue Heads! is by far my favourite track on this, those lyrics are out of this world. "Me! To the rescue! Me! To the rescue! How low? How low? You lucky so-and-so!" Ste - You wouldn't play this in front of your mates, would you?  Lee - It depends. If they were open minded and willing to accept something completely alien to them as having merit then yes. If they were idiots I secretly hated then also yes. Because they wouldn't have a fucking clue and hopefully, it would melt their brains. Ste - This. Is. Seriously. Fucked. Fuck me, I've heard it all. What the hell is this genre supposed to be anyway? I don't know any more. It's completely fucking insane. What's really funny is we've just listened to those two prog-metal bands who are supposedly setting out to reinvent music or whatever, and this is way more progressive than any of that. It's not up their own arse either, it's just...nuts. Lee - Do you wonder if they ever feel like they're too angular for their own good? Like the drummer sits behind his kit at rehearsals and once in a while just thinks "Fuck this" and wishes they'd write some basic 4/4 rock 'n roll?

Ste - I think I kinda like this in a surreal way.

Lee - Well, when I had a listen to it earlier I was taken by how abrasive it is and what a shock to the system it is. But now we're discussing it and I'm giving it a second listen it seems a lot more interesting. But will I play it again later and enjoy it? Or is it just so odd that I'll get a different feeling about it every time? It's like, imagine if Minus The Bear masterminded Sonic Youth having a baby with The White Album, you might get a Deerhoof out of it. Or you might get a total headfuck. Or does that just amount to the same thing? I don't know any more.

Ste - They don't let the melodies breathe. After three minutes of Behold a Marvel in the Darkness, they're onto something almost Smashing Pumpkins-like, and then it ends. What we need is some straight-up, kick-ass, female punk rock quartet from Japan or South Korea or somewhere that are completely left-field to come along and kick us in the nuts.

Lee - You know, it's been three months since I made any music but this makes me want to record something. I feel genuinely inspired by it.

Ste - Well done for finding these though. I mean, at least it's different. They'd be more accessible with a different singer but, hey, maybe that's the point.

Lee - So do we like Deerhoof then? For being interesting and different? Challenging but charming. Ste - I appreciate Deerhoof. I don't know if I like it. But I'll listen again. I could imagine this being amazing live. It's almost too good for this world but I bet they love it on Marklar. And like I say, it's more prog than Magnum was. Fuck them. Lee - And then the bonus track is all bluesy!? 

Ste - What is this?! This is like a different band! Well, this has been so out there I have to rate it a purple and say they're completely hat stand for it. It's like the reinvention of music. Much like Hol Rock. Lee - Two new notes mate, H and J.

[apetunes]

Chase & Status - No More Idols

Chase & Status - No More Idols Mercury Lee - Good cover. Could do without the text on it mind.

Ste - More dogs on covers. Lee - Sounds like something you'd hear in a chav nightclub this. 

Ste - I can't listen to this. Shit dance music should be banned. Lee - Agreed.

[apetunes]

The Decemberists - The King Is Dead

The Decemberists - The King Is Dead Rough Trade Ste - I don't know these. Lee - The Engine Driver from Picaresque is probably one of my favourite songs of all time, by any band. I'm not sure there's anything on this record as good as that one tune but the opener, Don't Carry It All, is a real grower.

Ste - It's a bit like background music for me really. I'll give it some more time anyway. Lee - Down By The Water I think was the first single off this and musically, structurally...it sounds like something Neil Young could have written. You can hear a strong taste of Green/Out Of Time/Automatic For The People-era R.E.M. in it. Which shouldn't be surprising really since Peter Buck played on it. Actually, the best comparison I could probably make is it sounds like Neil Young doing The One I Love. 

Ste - This band reminds me of when I was at university in 2001. It was an early summer day and my flatmate put James Taylor on and everything was perfect. This isn't as good as James Taylor but I appreciate the feel good motive. Lee - I'll never forget him on The Simpsons where he runs out of NASA and sings Fire and Rain to Homer and Buzz Aldrin and realises how inappropriate it is when the space shuttle breaks down. Ste - That is amazing. I legit loved James Taylor after that. What a brilliant song. You're a cold-hearted bastard if you don't like that.  Lee - I'm liking This Is Why We Fight a lot but I don't care for all that arsing about at the end. Ste - There's too much Irishness going on in this now, I might have to turn it off soon. Lee - Well, for me I think it gets too, sort of, traditionally country. I much prefer them when they lean a lot more towards indie-rock than country or folk.

Ste - Right, yeah. I can't be arsed with folk. I don't care if it's the origin of music or not. Fuck that. Rise To Me is good though. Not enough people use mouth organs any more.

Lee - Funnily enough, I asked for one for a mouth organ for Christmas but never got one. I had one as a child but it got confiscated because I just used to parp away on it endlessly. Kind of like my Mallett's Mallet.

Ste - I asked for one for Christmas too! I always wanted one. I wanted to be like Steven Tyler. Lee - Pink is your favourite colour, eh? Ste - I love the harmonica on Say, Say, Say. Bring back the harmonica.

Lee - Well, I like this album better than a lot of what we've heard so far but it's still not something I can make it the whole way through without losing interest.

Ste - Where is Epitaph to save us?

[apetunes]

Sirenia - The Enigma of Life

Sirenia - The Enigma of Life Nuclear Blast

Lee - Oh, good. Overblown, operatic pop-metal. Ste - Based on the title, I'm guessing that this is all a load of new wave bollocks about how the universe sustains life. She probably has blue and green rocks in the recording studio. And a dream catcher. Lee - This Darkness is the song I...hate least? Interests me most? No, that isn't right. None of it really 'interests' me, it's more just that the other songs...I don't know. Who fucking cares? Ste - Listen to Disney's Demi Lovato. That's way more rockin'. Lee - Winter Land is arse-achingly predictable pop. You know exactly what it's going to do, where it's going to go next...It sounds incredibly familiar, like they're aping something really popular. Like they sat down one day and listened to all the popular pop songs on the radio and wrote exactly the same song as those. It feels really out of place. Ste - I think I bought an album by a band like this once. The Gathering, or something. They were supposed to be rockin'...but weren't. And that's the mystery of the missing ring. Lee - A Seaside Serenade has some unbelievably comedy growly vocals. I pissed myself listening to that. What a joke. Ste - I don't know, a woman singer? What's going on with the game? I bet she doesn't even know the offside rule. Do us a favour, love. Game's gone mad.

[apetunes]

Pearl Jam - Live On Ten Legs

Pearl Jam - Live On Ten Legs Monkeywrench Ste - No Even Flow on this. Why does Eddie Vedder want rid of his audience? The crazy fuck. Lee - I've not got much to say about it really. It's a Pearl Jam live record, you know? If you're a hardcore Pearl Jam fan then you'll probably think it's great, and if you're like the rest of the world and you stopped caring about Pearl Jam after 1995 then you can probably just make do with your battered old copy of Ten.

Ste - They were class when I saw 'em in 2000. Well, the songs from before Vitalogy were. You know they hardly ever play Even Flow or Jeremy now? That's rubbish that. I'm all for different set lists but fucking hell, give the people what they want.  Lee - If I went to see Pearl Jam, I'd want those two. And then I'd go home. Ste - They played these songs hardly anybody knew, then Even Flow finally came on and it went ape shit. The rest just got a so-so reaction. Vedder is mental. Actually, I don't mind some of the songs off No Code but after that I'm lost, though to give credit to Pearl Jam, they won people over with their newer stuff. Middleman is ok, so is Hail Hail. The Vandals were support and they were fucking bute.

Lee - That's a pretty curious support but I like the sound of it. There's a lot to be said for disparate line-ups. Noel Gallagher said the best gig he ever saw was U2, Public Enemy and Kraftwerk in Manchester. Good old mixed bills.

Ste - Mixed bills, yeah. I once saw Shed Seven support Aerosmith. Lee - One of my bands once came close to recording with their drummer. He runs a pub quiz now. Ste - Don't care. Stupid student shit. Like The Levellers. Fuck 'em.

Lee - I liked them when I was 13. Well, I liked one song. Then I grew up a bit and got more of an understanding about what they were - a load of Swampys doing electric folk rock. Real Ale Hippies.

Ste - I saw The Levellers support Green Day and die on their arse. Awful. I'd rather listen to Wire. No, actually, I wouldn't. I'd rather listen to Pods and Gods.

Lee - So would everyone, pal. So would everyone.

[apetunes]

Magnum - The Visitation

Magnum - The Visitation SPV Lee - This is so fucking mediocre it's not even funny. There's nothing remotely interesting about this record whatsoever. It's so fucking bland. It's like, you can probably hear all the same influences that Stratovarius have, but at least that record was ridiculous enough to stand out. This has nothing. Ste - Black Skies would make good theme music for a heel at least. But only in a WCW production theme kinda way. Lee - Erm...yeah, I can kinda hear that I suppose but that bass intro just reminds me of Bon Jovi. And who the fuck wants to sound like Bon Jovi? Bon Jovi wishes they didn't sound like Bon Jovi.

Ste - Based on what I know, Magnum have been around forever and are a bit of a joke anyway.

Lee - The riffs are dull, the melodies offer nothing, the production is really soft...there's absolutely no excitement on offer whatsoever. The ballads are so bad, just completely cliché and utterly cringeworthy, and the rockier numbers are...nothing. They're just nothing whatsoever. Christ, this record is fucking boring. I hate it. I really, really hate it. And I hate that they have the name "Magnum" yet evoke nothing even approaching close to the coolness of Magnum, P.I., Magnum, T.A., or the similarly named Jeff Mangum. Hell, why can't we get a 2011 re-release of In The Aeroplane Over The Sea so we can just talk about Neutral Milk Hotel instead?

Ste - That album cover isn't as good as Stratovarius either. Actually, you can tell the whole album is crap just from the cover. Lee - I know. I mean, what is that? What the fuck is it supposed to be? It's like someone sat down with a list of all the symbolism and shit they wanted and then decided to just throw it all together under the pretense of a messy teenager's bedroom. It's fucking shit that, it's just rubbish. Literally, a load of old rubbish with varying allusions of love and barbarian warriors and a brightness on offer in the distance. I suppose it's a metaphor for what they've put into the album, but it's absolutely cack. Where's the fucking pelican, for Christ's sake? Ste - Yeah, that is dreadful artwork. Really stereotypical. Like, why don't you just stick Stonehenge on there already?

Lee - Spinal Tap ruined Stonehenge for 'em. All of 'em. Every archaic metal band that formed in the 80's who grew up on 70's rock and still exists to this day. "Let's do something with Stonehenge!" "Can't really, not now Tap did it, we'll look like a load of fucking dickheads." "What, more than we already do?"

Ste - Yeah, that backfired for Aerosmith too. But you see, prog at it's best should be "Woah! What's that?! What's this?! Where did that come from?" And at least Stratovarius sounded like Castlevania and Turrican. And C64. And Amiga.

Lee - Prog at it's best should be turned off.

Ste - Well, it's misunderstood I think. It should flow, you don't just pile shit together like many of 'em probably do.

Lee - I can't listen to any more of this album mate. Fuck this. I'm gonna have some Pat Benatar instead.

[apetunes]

Stratovarius - Elysium

Stratovarius - Elysium Victor Ste - I dunno if I have six months to listen to this...Damn, if only he didn't sing! It was starting to sounds like Turrican 2 on the Amiga! Actually, it's pretty much what I expected. Lee - Over-the-top, proggy synth-metal with a strong taste of Iron Maiden? Ste - Silly lyrics, crazy solo. Standard stuff. Nothing more to add really. Better than Wire. Lee - Darkest Hours is probably the best song. Except that big gong at the end, what was the need in that? But it's got quite a catchy melody. Sounds like Bruce Dickinson though. Ste - I suppose I'd listen to this if I ever decided to steal a spaceship and blast off out of our atmosphere to fight Space Pirates, but then I already have the Heavy Metal soundtrack for that. Lee - There's some speed punk in this, for whatever that's worth. Or, more likely, a strong Motorhead influence. Ste - I imagine it goes to lots of different places, they always do. They have a bit of this, a bit of that. Blokes with beards clap, have some bitter and talk about how they were at Floyd in 1883. Lee - Then go home and watch videos of Scrapheap Challenge. Ste - Wow! Infernal Maze, about 1:25 or so it starts to sound like Castlevania! That's the best bit about stuff like this. It sometimes goes off in such a direction that it reminds me of video game bosses. ***** for that brief excursion. Castlevania Metal! Lee - It sounds like an episode of Count Duckula on speed. Ste - I can't help but piss myself when he starts to go on about demons. Lee - That's why I can't take a lot of metal seriously. When it's all a load of vikings singing about warlocks and riding lighting bolts and shit. I get enough sword n' sorcery from He-Man, I don't really need it via the gift of power metal. Ste - It's still 1986 in some of these countries though pal, you forget that. Power metal keeps the demons away. And this is probably a concept album anyway. About reincarnation and fighting Satan's spawn and vampires or something. Lee - Probably a concept album?! How the fuck could you tell otherwise?! Ste - You could do an awesome parody of this. Lee - Could you? Wouldn't people just take it at face value? Maybe this album is a parody! Ste - The cover can't be, it's too good. Lee -  The cover is absolutely fantastic, yeah. It's SO completely fucking ridiculous that you can't help but love it. I mean, what is it? It looks like a cut-scene from some post-apocalyptic video game. About a pelican. Ste - Another ***** for the cover then. That pelican needs to be eating a pigeon though. What does "Elysium" mean? Lee - I think it's Finnish for "Piss take." Actually, the Elysian Fields (or the Elysian Plains) were the final resting places of the souls of the heroic and virtuous pelicans. Ste - Actually, didn't loads of people take GWAR seriously when they did Penguin Attack? Lee - While I remember, when I was at school I knew some guys who were trying to start a band called Elysium and I always thought it sounded so crap. But then I named my band Desert Landscape, so who knows?

[apetunes]

British Sea Power - Valhalla Dancehall

British Sea Power - Valhalla Dancehall Rough Trade Listen to a few tracks from the album... Ste - Well this is jolly, though I can hear Joy Division in it. Lee - The first song at least blows away everything else we've listened to so far besides Cage The Elephant. It's lot more 'instant' musically, although the vocals can make or break something like this and they don't seem to offer a lot here. It's almost like they just lay against the music like another instrument rather than as a device for melody. It's good but a voice like Ian Curtis would really make it stand out. Ste - Lyrically it's almost Bowie-esque, yet musically it has the elements of Coldplay that don't make me want to vomit blood. Lee -  It's getting a bit more experimental as it goes on, a bit more Bowie like you said but some of the tacks are growing increasingly more skippable. Ste - Mongk II isn't working for me. It needed trimming. It's not doing anything at all. Probably should have been at the end of the album. Lee - Luna sounds like Pulp, if Pulp had just the faintest sprinkling of Babylon Zoo's production and apparent obsession with the outer limits. Even vocally it sounds a bit like Jarvis Cocker. This and Who's In Control? are probably my two favourite tracks so far. Ste - We Are Sound was good. It's euphoric at times and messy at others though. The kind of thing I could listen to a lot and end up really liking. I like the way it doesn't succumb to any kind of formula or structure at all which is quite fresh in this day and age. Lee - Maybe not musically but I can hear quite a typical formula in the way the album goes. It starts well, goes slowly downhill towards mediocre then has the traditional mid-point pick me up. And given that there's a 7 minute song and an 11 minute song coming up, I'm expecting that'll all be the weirder, more self-indulgent stuff at the arse end of things. Baby is OK but then it just keeps going. Ste - Yeah, I'm feeling the same. It's just not that rockin' which makes the first track out to be a LIAR. And he likes his "Woah, woahs", doesn't he? Lee - Wow, Living Is So Easy sounds a bit like a Nintendo but it doesn't last long sadly. I can see why it's the single though, it's got way more of a tune to it, a proper pop song. More radio friendly than anything else on here but still giving off a feeling like it's not been overly produced or written with the express purpose of having a radio hit which I think in the current climate can say a lot about you as an artist, even if it doesn't say a lot for your bank account. Ste - It's OK, I'm a bit bored by it all now though. Lee - Well that's why I like something like iTunes or Spotify, I'll listen to this again later and eventually just start cherry-picking all the songs that stick and dumping the tedious, go-nowhere stuff. And I'll tell you what - it'll make for a killer EP! Ste - Yeah, but an album should flow and take you different places and you appreciate the whole thing as one piece. Lee -  I think that's a bit bollocks though really. I mean, yeah, there's something to track placement on an album and making it flow and trying to create the best listening experience possibly if you're an artist but for me, there's no point sitting through shit you don't like just because someone dictated "That's the way you're meant to listen to it." I've only really liked about four songs so far, some have been alright and could be growers but I don't fancy sitting through 30-40 minutes worth of average to mediocre material every time I want to hear track 8 or whatever. Ste - This isn't really a good album then.

[apetunes]

Cage The Elephant - Shake Me Down

Cage The Elephant - Shake Me Down Relentless Lee - Their album isn't out yet but this is the first single from it and it shits on everything else we've heard so far.  Ste - Good name anyway. They need haircuts though. But so does everybody. Lee - I've actually known about this band for a while but I haven't actually sat down and listened to them until now and I'll say this much - it's on JUST the right side of that fine line between being medicore, Southern-tinged alt.garage-rock or being, you know, good. Like you get the feeling a few paces in the wrong direction and they could just be the next Jet or something. Ste - That Madden drum beat came out of nowhere. I almost hear the Pixies in part of this too. Lee -  It's almost dangerously close to wanky good-old-boy rock n' roll but there's more of an edge to it than whatever that other band is. You know that band. The famous one that all have beards. You're right about the Pixies though, and it's got a rawer, punkier feeling to it than Kings of Leon, which was who I meant. Ste - Ah, yeah. It's better than Kings of Leon. The second half of the song is actually really good. I was expecting to hate it when it started but it's like "No. We're not gonna go in the direction you think", then a hook comes out of nowhere and it's all the better for it. It could have wussed out and went middle of the road. Lee - I get the feeling if they stripped away some of rougher edge and started writing 'big' songs to light up a mid-level stadium with less, I guess, 'honesty' to it all, they could be as big/shit as Kings of Leon. In the wrong hands they could come across as really bland. Ste - These are pretty good lyrics actually. "I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun" is actually good, and "Even on a cloudy day"...there's more in that than anything The Wire said. I mean, that was just gibberish. But I can imagine that cloudy day line at a live show and everybody just singing along happily, like on a Sunday afternoon at Leeds or something. Lee - Imagine if Abused Romance had this kind of raw production. I mean, they didn't have anything to say, and some people don't and that's OK I guess, some people just aren't poets but the way they sterilised what they actually did have to offer...this just kicks Abused Romance up the arse, pulls their knickers down then kicks them up the arse some more. Ste - The best thing about this is it's getting better as well. Actually, someone on Amazon compares them to Beck, which I can understand, and says their first album "shows the band to have the exuberance of The Vines or Hard-Fi." Lee - Fuck off. I hate any reviewer who paints fucking Hard-Fi in any kind of positive light at all. Absolute fucking dog shit.