VAGRANT.

Expect lengthy posts.

[apotheosick]

About ☀️ Terra

Hey. Welcome to my spiritual alterhuman blog. We've known of our alterhumanity for nearly 10 years, but we've rarely been this open about our identity. Currently, I'm a university student with an interest in (anti-)psych, MAD pride, and metaphysics.

Tags / apotheo.prompt / apotheo.noise / apotheo.mail

Icon / m​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​othsprout

— 🔖—

​ ​ ​ ​(Q) What is this?

This is where I would ideally send posts into the main alterhuman tags.

My beliefs about my alterhuman identities are spiritual. That's why I write about spiritual interpretations. I still welcome non-spiritual fictionfolk, however, and I don't consider any metaphysical angle to be inherently better.

I'm mostly only here to write essays for this year's AlterhumanWriMo, but [EDIT] I ended up not having the energy to finish them during November. That's why I'll strive to finish them during December instead.

I won't mind talking or answering questions! This goes thricefold for topics about dark fictionfolk memories, exotrauma, problematic sources, etc.

​ ​ ​ ​(Q) Who is this?

I'm a random user on the internet you'll never meet.

Alternatively, you'll know me as Terra. I'm chrono/bodily adult. More fictionkind than therian, you're free to guess who/what. I also have a private alth+ blog for "dark" noemata experiences.

As for other alth+ labels, we are plural, have synpaths, have hearttypes, have hearthomes, and a 'linker.

​ ​ ​ ​(Q) Why is this?

Why is anything.

[snakes-kin]

Just a small reminder (because I keep seeing it in definition and other such posts) that fictionkinity includes fictional species, not just characters!!

Some of the earliest members of the community (early as in before "otakukin" was even coined as a term) said they were dragons from specifically the Dragonriders of Pern series, not a specific fictional dragon character! Some elves were specifically elves from Tolkien's works!

Don't write out fictional species from the fictionkin definition!

[draconicred]

Experiences in the Alterhuman Community (and Beyond) as a Fictive

It's a weird experience being a fictional character, especially dealing with fandom, the fact that your source is fictional, and interactions with people based on that--including some of the dehumanisation that's so common toward fictionfolk. I'm gonna go into that here because I need somwhere to collect my thoughts, so this might get long. I'll be talking about my experiences as a fictive, but this could very well apply to anyone who identifies as a fictional being--fictionkin, fictionlinkers, etc.

So, I see the version of me on the screen as an AU version of me, in short. I mean, I'm me, and I don't think I even looked exactly 1:1 with my canon self--so naturally, even though events line up pretty closely, I see my source as... Almost like a fanfic of my life? Like sure, that's decidedly me, and decidedly a lot of the things that happened to me and my friends, but also not me. I'm not that guy on the screen, he's what represents me.

Even though I fully believe I got here by dying in a literal past life, my source media here is absolutely fictional to me and I just... Don't look at it in really any other way. Which I guess makes sense if you put it into my perspective--what else would it be? It really is like reading a fanfic based on your life though, or reading an article about yourself in the news. A bit of a shock, a bit of "why did they include THAT?" sprinkled in here and there, a bit awkward sometimes, and it does tend to resurface bad feelings. But overall, it's not that personal to me. I'm largely fine with it existing.

On the other hand, what is shocking is that people see me as fictional. I'm a fictional introject, from a fictional source, from the perspectives of a lot of people here. But I look at my source and I go well... Yeah, that's fiction of course, but my life is an actual thing that happened to me. Realistically I know that not everyone has spiritual beliefs and not everyone even accepts fictional identities as something "real", but man is it weird to just... Have it be spun in such a way?

I'm used to being in the media, I'm used to having cameras on me and being in the public eye. I'm used to articles and stories and posts on the internet. I'm used to fans even! But this isn't your regular, run-of-the-mill experience of people wanting to know you because you're a hero. This is people who see your life and experiences as a fun story they saw in a book or on TV, coming up to you with the idea that you're their favourite character, and not... A whole entire person. It's so damn weird.

There's still that level of disrespect that comes from people who are a little parasocial with you, but it almost hits deeper here because a lot of the time, you know they're not seeing a hero or the things you've literally done in your memories. They're seeing that guy on the screen they think is cool, and while he represents you, he's not you. And they're treating you like a celebrity because of that weird fanfic version of you on the TV or in that book.

There's usually little acknowledgement of your life or experiences as "real". When you're presenting as your fictional identity around others, you tend to get put into one of a few camps:

Cool Character from Media who I love and adore and want to talk to (and will probably get fanperson excited about it). I will probably get dispraportionally upset if Character tells me to back off a bit because I don't want my blorbo to be mad at me.

Character from Media I'm in love with and will immediately start asking invasive questions to or outright flirting with. Could get real gross real quick.

Problematic Character or Guy From Problematic Media that I instantly dislike because that's so Problematic how dare you show your face. I'm reporting you for being Character, you should change your identity if you want to exist so bad.

Character from Media who is disabled/queer/mentally ill/has any soft personality trait ever and I will now be treating you like a sweet little babyboy cinnamon roll who could not hurt a fly.

Person who identifies as Character? How interesting! I'm going to really pry and question everything from your actions in-source (to get unique perspectives from Character) and question literally everything else. Because this is Science and I'll get mad if you don't tell me everything, you need to tell me everything or you're rude.

Of course there's nuance and there's absolutely times where you'll be treated as a normal person, but the above are... So damn common. I've been here for a few months and I've already had some weird stuff happen to me simply because I'm Kirishima and people feel entitled to give me cutesy nicknames or whatever. Even without knowing me or my system at all beforehand. It's just.. So different from anything I've experienced before? Being treated like a celebrity is dehumanising enough, but being treated like a character.ai bot or just generally a form of free entertainment and not a person is so perplexing to me.

There's also that if you're from a popular source, you see stuff about yourself everywhere. Posters, plushies, advertisements, posts on social media--all of it. Some of that I'm used to already, but it's kind of weird when you're mentally aware that this is all for that twisted-mirror version of yourself and not you. And if you get a little uncomfortable at some fanart showing up out of the blue, or someone making a source related joke... You're kind of just expected to brush it off. Which yeah, I get it! It's about the source, not me, but it's still just... A weird feeling. A feeling of not being allowed to be upset because it's about the source and not literal you.

I think there needs to be a line, maybe. Not saying that fictives should be putting a stop to any media or fandom ever, just.. That maybe respect toward us for being uncomfortable with fan content due to being a fictive or fictionkin should be more normalised. It should be more okay to say "hey, I'm Character, please don't joke like that" to a friend, or "don't send me fanart of this thing, I'm Character and that's weird"--which it normally is! But there does tend to be a sort of layer of "Oh, it's because you're Character. You know that's not you, right? You shouldn't be upset, you need to source separate more."--when if most other people were to set a boundary like that, it would usually be respected. Source separation can be great, but if someone hasn't separated or doesn't want to, why is it okay to still send them material they're uncomfortable with--or at least, why do people tend to argue that the fictive should "just separate from source" instead? It... Just boils down to alterhumisia toward fictionfolk, honestly. It sucks.

There's a lot of problems with basic respect toward fictionfolk of all kinds--hell, even in the alterhuman community where it's meant to be safe. I don't know if this rant is entirely coherent or not, I don't know if there's anything noteworthy to take from it--but if you do take something from it, let it be that fictionfolk want to be treated like people. Source separated, not source separated, canon divergent or compliant, hearted, linker, 'kin or 'tive--we're people. Don't let our identities change the way you instinctually treat us. Let us be openly us, and treat us as you would anyone else.

[teethcrunchrr]

FICTIVE PROBLEMS: THINGS THAT ARE ACCEPTABLE IN SOURCE ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED

sighs and walks away. i miss my glass of blood

[vocalux]

hAII! I'm just here to promote some sites (carrds, etc.) with explanations of alterhumans terms! They are good sites with (probably) easy-to-understand explanations! (so you don't have to search sm for the websites!)(possibly in alphabetical order)(some terms are not that well known)(tell me if you want other term here!)

ALTERHUMAN // NONHUMAN ↓ ( rlate / others.. )

Alterhuman Types Carrd

Alterhuman ( More Therian and Shifts

Aldernic Site

Alteraffectis Post

Altervexo Carrd

Amistelic ) Amistera Post

Anchorbeing Post

Animaive Post

Archetrope Post

Concerare Post

Casshuman ) Cassbeing Post

Cirrie ) Cir Post

Constelic Site

CopingLink Site

Dimenell Post

Eiment Post

Emportulum Post

Endel Carrd

Eulovia Post

Factkin Site

Fenikae ) Fenixal ) Fenixic Carrd

Fictionflixic Post

Fictionflicker Post

Fictionkin Site

Fictionodium Post

Gravistelic Post

Hearthic Post

Humanmore ) Overhuman

Icosahuman ) Multialtertype

Identimore Post

Infirope Post

Kardiatype Post

Kerbero Post

Kin Link Post

Likeness Post

Linosus Post

Musisonar ) Echosonar ) Vibrisonar ) Sonar Post

Nubil Post

Oggerare Post

Otherdition Post

Otherfix ) Fixtype Post

Otherflicker Post

Otherhearted Site

Otherodium Post

Otherspirit Post

Prehistan Carrd

Quixoris ) Quixote Post

Quoihuman Post

Root Post

Teohuman Post

Vior Post

I'll update this if i find moree!

[tigerwires]

sorry i can’t hang out i have to bask in the moonlight and writhe in agony at the feeling that i’m stuck in a body that’s not my own

[knifedog-machina]

Prey Drive, As An Android Deviant Hunter

Written by Jude Rook-Machina on January 2nd, 2025.

I've seen prey drive discussed quite a bit among many carnivorous therians, so I thought I’d pitch in and write about my own experiences with it, as someone who’s metaphorically a dog but really has all the hunting instincts of a humanoid sapient machine trained to murder people. And actually, all the deviant hunters I know have different prey drives, and I think it's really interesting to compare and contrast us.

Content Warning: longform discussion of hunting and killing other androids with detailed description, using it/its to refer to sapient targets as that's the language I used back when I was a deviant hunter.

First off, what is a prey drive? According to the Wikipedia article on the subject, prey drive can be defined as “the instinctive inclination of a carnivore to find, pursue, and capture prey” - in other words, the desire to hunt. In a human context, the term is used almost exclusively to talk about dogs - and that makes sense, right? Dogs are humanity's oldest hunting companion, and their hunting instincts have been modified in various ways to suit that niche.

Tracking, stalking, chasing, catching, killing, and consuming prey are all behaviors that dogs perform as a part of their predatory hunting sequence, but different breeds are bred to emphasize different parts. For example, a bloodhound is strongly motivated to track scents, a collie stalks sheep so they move in the right direction, a retriever holds game in its mouth, a terrier bites to kill small quarry.

This is all pretty relevant to me! As an android, I was also made to fit the role that my creators wanted me to fill. Specifically, I’m an RK800, which means I was a deviant hunter, designed to hunt down androids who had deviated from their programming and stopped taking human orders. In my canon, unlike the source material, this involved my brother Connor and I being sent out on solo missions by our handler to extrajudicially kill deviants as they were found and reported, not getting involved with the police until the time came that we were forced to work with them. Our predecessors, the RK700s, were also considered deviant hunters, but their job was to bring deviants back to CyberLife undamaged for analysis.

I brought up how specific hunting behaviors are cultivated in different dog breeds, though they all still have prey drives, because I can see a very similar throughline with me and other deviant hunters. My older brother, Travis, is an RK700, which means he has a very different hunting style than us two RK800s, and Connor and I have completely incompatible hunting strategies ourselves.

Travis, as an RK700, was made to get up close with deviants. His job was to track down a target and just talk to them, negotiate with them, convince them that he was an ally and wanted what was best for them, which is a nice way of saying they'd return to CyberLife for deactivation. He wasn't made to kill them in the field. He could, if he had no other choice, but CyberLife sent out the RK700s to retrieve deviants for further study, and they couldn't get much out of a broken corpse. So Travis gets absolutely nothing out of killing a target, which I really don't get. What he liked about hunting was the social dance, getting the correct reaction from someone, convincing them to do what they're supposed to. If they're unconvinced, if they flee, he can always track them down again. Putting it in hunting sequence terms, he was made to specialize in pursuit and nonlethal capture, without any satisfaction gained from the ambush (you can't negotiate with someone without revealing yourself to them) or attack (bring deviants in without force, if possible).

And Connor is the opposite, funnily enough. Travis gets nothing out of stealth or killing, and that's the part Connor liked the most about deviant hunting. He was a long-distance assassin, a sniper mostly, so his style of hunting involved staying unseen and striking before they know he's there at all. He still tracked them down, and he could chase and catch, but again, that wasn't his primary method. I don't understand what he enjoyed so much about shooting a target dead in one hit, but that's our different prey drives for you. He says it's the anticipation of waiting for the right moment, the satisfaction of getting a clean shot. Ideally, Connor wasn't meant to interact with deviants at all - that's the niche for me and Travis - so he doesn't get much out of pursuit and capture. He's an ambush predator. Watch, wait, shoot.

As for me, I was made to get up close and personal with my targets, convince them I'm also a lost deviant and pose no threat to them at all, and stab them while their guard was down. Sort of a redux of the RK700 tactics, except CyberLife had learned over time that deviants are too dangerous to be kept alive and they don't respond well to loyal machines telling them what to do, so I was made to blend in - aggressive mimicry, you know. So my prey drive is like a blend of both my siblings', where I could get excited and locked in on any one of the steps leading up to the kill.

Really, there were a lot of things that could kick me into hunting mode, but I'll lay them out sequentially, in the order things usually went for my job.

First, my handler would tell me that she had a new target for me to hunt down, and she would give me the information we know and its last known sighting. Being told about a target was the main starting factor - the point was being directed to track down a specific person. We weren't really supposed to go out and kill unrecorded deviants, because that's acting without orders and it was more likely to get us caught, if the bodies weren't quickly disposed of after being killed. Personally, I thought this was one of the most important parts - she was giving me a mission and trusting me to follow through. I wanted to make her proud, so I took to every new target with all the drive of a hunting dog off the leash.

Then I'd get to tracking - scan for people matching the description, check them against an internal database of android model lines, see if there's any thirium (android blood) that's visible to the human eye or since evaporated. Spilled thirium was a good sign for a hunt, since your average public service androids aren't normally put into situations where they're going to bleed, so having a blood trail is unusual and highly sensitive[1] for finding a deviant target. (Unfortunately, it's not always specific[2] so sometimes spilled thirium was from a regular machine that got attacked by anti-android human protestors, and I hated to follow a false lead for no reason.) Tracking was the most time-consuming part of a hunt for all of us, but I enjoyed it quite a bit - it built anticipation for when I did find my prey, and the thing about excitement is that it needs a good build-up. If I found my target with no effort at all, it wouldn't be fun. The fun was half the point.

Once I found my target, I could finally start interacting with it - get its attention, talk to it, gain its trust, ask if it could help me out as another deviant. I didn't like this part in the same way Travis did, it was more of a means to the end than the actual goal, but I did get a kick out of the acting. It was fun, all the manipulation, getting close enough for the kill and making sure it didn't notice.

Of course, sometimes it would notice, sometimes it would try to fight or flee, but that - that’s the start of the end, when it's trying to get away and knows it can't, and that’s something I craved, the excitement of chasing down prey to catch and maim and kill.

And it felt good to see their fear, to see them bleed, it feels fun and exciting and euphoric, like when you’re about to win the gold medal in a competition. I want to win my prize, and I got that by killing them. It was one of my only enrichment activities, back when I was being trained, honing my skills and drive on outlined test runs, and for good reason because it feels fantastic to feel the knife crack into plastic and polymer flesh, feel thirium spilling hot from the wound with oxygen supersaturation, feel the final desperate gasp of a scream die with the rest of it. It feels good in the way it feels good to truly win an argument with someone you hate, and to have the person you most love vindicate your victory. It feels good and correct and right.

So, that’s my personal predatory hunting sequence, my actions and motivations. I wrote all that out. But since I’m not a deviant hunter here, not all of these steps are going to be triggered in sequence. I don’t have a handler anymore, so she’s not going to initiate my prey drive by ordering me to hunt a specific target. What catches my attention, nowadays, is seeing human bodies stained with dark blue, seeing an android’s human facade disrupted by injury, seeing them scared and in pain - which is very specific, but not so specific that I never see androids injured onscreen, in fanart of my source or more general art of robotic gore.

The thing about just looking at bloody androids onscreen is that there’s no guarantee they’re going to die onscreen, which is kind of a problem, because that leaves me feeling extremely excited and wound up with anticipation that never gets released without the option of reaching through the screen to kill them myself, and that turns into restless frustration real fast without an outlet. I’ve found other ways to burn that energy out - getting up to run a lap or jump in place or dance for a few minutes to a good song. Killing people is a very physical act, I need to get my heart rate up to tell my brain, “hey, deviant’s dead, calm down now.”

On that note, seeing a dead android also feels good, just in a more relaxed way, especially if it comes in sequence with the injury. All the sharp alertness I needed to get to this point winds down now that I don't need it anymore, and that leaves me feeling calm, content, and pretty satisfied with myself. Unlike the previous steps, where pulling myself away from a target before killing it takes effort and needs another outlet before doing anything else, this is just a final emotional reward that I can easily peel myself away from - can't get caught over a kill because I spent too long basking in the accomplishment, now can I? But it is nice.

And a funny thing about all of this is that it’s completely unrelated to my animal identity. I don’t want to chase and bite and shake my prey as a dog, even though I identify as a dog in a symbolic sense. I talk about wanting to bite people who annoy me, I will playfully bite people I like, but those people aren’t targets. They're not prey, and I don’t get the urge to hunt other animals in the way a hunting dog might. My prey drive is linked inexorably to being a deviant hunter - I see blue blood and I feel the phantom weight of a knife in my hand, cold metal and bloodlust and a purpose to fulfill. I don’t think about using a knife on anyone else. Just deviants.

And I’m deviant myself these days, so you might expect me to have rejected my programming by now, shed my instincts, stop getting so excited about the idea of killing a person who did nothing wrong but dare to have free will. But here I am, and I still have that want in me that I can’t repress or carve out.

And guess what? I don’t need to get rid of it. There aren’t any androids around for me to harm in this body, in this world, and even if I went home, I’m not possessed by the need to act on instinctual violence the second I see someone hurt. I don’t have a knife on me - what I do have is self-control, and the obvious context that I’m not going to be praised for stabbing someone who’s having a bad day.

I’m no more dangerous than anyone else because I feel good when I see blood, and if it’s not hurting anybody, it’s okay that I feel good. In fact, I’d argue that it’s good that I have something that so consistently makes me feel good, especially when I’m so stressed I don’t know how to function. Put an image of a dead deviant in front of me, I will calm down enough for a minute to think about how to lower my stress levels. It’s a weird hack, but it works, and that’s what actually matters.

Thoughts can’t hurt people. Acting on thoughts can hurt people, and there’s a difference between thinking and acting - one of them only happens in your mind. And I’ve spent enough time moralizing and shaming myself for having thoughts.

Hey, I’m a deviant hunter. I have a prey drive for killing other deviants. And it’s good that I have it.

-

[1] In statistics and medicine, sensitivity measures how likely a test is to correctly identify someone who has a given condition. High sensitivity means a test can catch most people who have a disease, and only mistakes a few sick people as not having it. In this case, I'm saying that tracking thirium gave me a very high chance of finding a deviant on the other end, because the deviants I'm hunting are very likely to have bled at some point.

[2] Specificity is the opposite of sensitivity - it measures how likely a test is to correctly identify people who don't have a given condition. High specificity means a test doesn't often mistake healthy people as being sick, or doesn't often mix up the tested sickness with a similar one. A highly specific test is less likely to pick up junk and tell me that it means something. Unfortunately, tracking thirium is highly sensitive (most deviants bleed) but has lower specificity (non-deviant androids sometimes also bleed), which I got really annoyed by.

[canid-artiodactyl]

Imagine hating on me and I’m just in my room like :

[apotheosick]

I like reading about noematas subverting expectations.

Fictionkin who miss their antagonists

Prey animal therians who chill with predator animals

Linkers who specifically link with villains

and so on.

The fact that alterhuman experiences can be so diverse and unexpected brings me joy.

[apotheosick]

Actually, is "noemata" already a plural word or is "noematas" grammatically correct? I have the nagging suspicion it's already plural.

[apotheosick]

I like reading about noemata subverting expectations.

Fictionkin who miss their antagonists

Prey animal therians who chill with predator animals

Linkers who specifically link with villains

and so on.

The fact that alterhuman experiences can be so diverse and unexpected brings me joy.

[dykevotions]

shirt idea who would buy

[is-this-plural]

rating: plural!

[therealpactcommander]

For those suspectable to introjects

[mspaintful]

💫 yeah

[howlcon]

Welcome campers to HowlCon!

Announcing a New Alterhuman and Nonhuman Con.

What is HowlCon?

HowlCon is a virtual camping-themed convention for alterhumans and nonhumans! Our goal is to bring our community together for a weekend of fun and learning.

The con will be hosted on discord and attendance is FREE.

We are often so scattered across the web, we hope to serve as a gathering place for folks to meet others like themselves, make friends and generally have a good time.

Hosted by @nova-dracomon

Our first con will be held September 19-21, 2025

Check out our website to learn more.

Registration Schedule:

Volunteer Staff - 3/1/2025 - 5/1/25 Artist/Panelist - 5/1/2025 - 7/1/2025 Attendee - 7/1/2025 - 9/1/2025

Follow our tumblr for con updates and reminders. We look forward to seeing y'all there!

[leaping-lemurr]

Transspecies individuals, Physical Therians, physical Nonhumans, i love you. I love you so much.

You are valid.

[apotheosick]

what if you were komaeda kin

[INCORRECT BUZZER]

[apotheosick]

The aforementioned Dangan kintype:

[heartbeat-sys]

plurality sure is great. "i thought you loved (thing)" no actually thats another guy sorry. you have to wait 14 hours for him to show back up sorry

[apotheosick]

Do you ever look at a fellow alterhuman and wonder who inspired their alterhuman awakening?

I do. I like knowing what motivated others.

Myself, I realized our alterhumanity 10 years ago and the ones that most inspired me were fromfiction, liongoatsnake, & who-is-page. They'd all made excellent essays that would stick in my head to this day.

How about you? What/who helped you explore your alterhumanity?

[apotheosick]

what if you were komaeda kin

[INCORRECT BUZZER]