aprilnparrris

no longer looking for a feeling; i'm looking for the One who made the longing

[thelordismylightandmysalvation]

Sunflower Glow

[chasingrainbowsforever]

~ Black in Back ~

[aprilnparrris]

Be Sincere. And Just love.

[aprilnparrris]

*Resting*

Lord, I have been prone to think that before I can fully pause and rest, I need to get everything done that You’ve told me to do. When my hair needs washing and bed linens need refreshing; when work is scheduled, e-courses need learning, and messages need responding from me (or so it seems)...I start to wonder how to rest in the middle of what feels like a huge mess. The feeling of coming before You in a state of filth and chaos...it’s like I forget You aren’t taken aback by it. When I pause before You in this state, I begin to be freed from all the gotta-get-this-done bondages. I find my disposition about my condition to be one of little importance when You not only wash me clean in Your presence from all I’ve walked through, but You also purify my situations and organize all the chaos on my behalf...............and all I did was sit with You and tell You how I kept feeling too dirty and too swamped with to-do’s to sit with You and just rest. 

I see You take a large half-barrel and fill it up with water, placing me in it; My three to four-year-old frame standing there as You listen to me confess everything I got into. You intentionally wash it all away, never for a second grimacing at the sight or smell; rather delighted that we’re there together. You wash my hair with water alone and dry it with a fluffy white towel. You lift me out of the barrel tub and seat me on the towel draped over Your left knee, drying and swaddling me with a towel-like white robe. You order the ones whose filth the dirt belonged to to take back what belonged to them, removing the mess from me totally. You hold me as You proceed to pick up the toys and belongings I had lying around my room caught in a state of disarray, ordering them back to the places You Yourself labeled for them to lay. You rest beside me, Your finished work complete, reiterating the example You set before You ever made me...us both lying there; Me drawing close to You and You to me so that I may hear Your heartbeat; neither of us saying a word but the silence of the air and comfort of Your presence echoing much more than what my heart, mind, and soul have the slightest idea of how to adequately articulate.

Thank You Lord for being my Comfort and my Peace. Thank You Jesus, for being my Lord!

[aprilnparrris]

“I’m Pushing You Out.”

Here I was thinking I was being called to be in and a part of groups of people whose hands don’t touch the things or are in the environments of which I came out years ago. I was told before that You were taking me back. That it would like to others like I was going backward and back into my old life and lifestyle but that this time would be different...this time I was being sent and not of my own accord. I find myself feeling like Jonah...yet it’s not entirely the people there in ‘Nineveh’ that trigger a sense of anguish and bitterness in going back but rather my old self...looking at her as fragile and dirty as she is and tell her she still holds value to You, that You saw her, broken, disheveled, yet still longed to be in constant communication with her. That You still wanted her full devotion to You even though she hadn’t had the strength nor the desire to even ask for it.

It is the tension of knowing I’m clean and made whole in You while in the places that reminded of sentiments that I wasn’t worthy of You to look upon me with such grace and mercy as You do...that tension leads to so much guilt when I don’t have the proper perspective. 

Being reminded of the times I lived without You by being in those environments is like being pushed into a deep pool without swimming lessons...only this pool was orchestrated for this...this pool has so much salt that I couldn’t sink beneath even if I tried...this pool is like the dead sea

[aprilnparrris]

I thought about returning back to the blog that I started a few years ago called Warrior Letters to write about life as it is now. The past few days it’s been ringing in my ear and stirring up in my belly to get started again. There had been partial apprehension before as I didn’t want to start it or restart for the wrong reasons nor did I want to feel as though the weight of the blog was on me to keep up (in the sense of me starting something in my own strength and then having to maintain it when it is begun out of season).

So I’ve been waiting and pondering and looking to see when it’s time to start what I thought I finished.

In a previous season, I put the blog down for a season of (in hindsight) rest and also because I really needed to walk through refinement and gain humility. I’m wanting to make good use of my time and share the things that I feel burdened to share. Much has changed and happened since I last wrote for the blog and while there is a level of feeling like I’m walking into a house that I hadn’t been in for over a year that no one else has lived in, there is also this level of wondering if I would be hit with overwhelming senses of shame or grief in rereading old posts.

Sometimes I can read something I previously wrote and tell I was writing from a place of desperation but not for the right reasons or I could see that I didn’t have full clarity and wasn’t writing from a place of full honesty and vulnerability.

No matter what I produce in life from my life, I want to just be completely open and honest about where I am; not even from a space of “oh it could help someone else” because I have sense that in those moments it takes away from me seeing that there is no reason for me to try to compel anyone with the trash of my life, but if me displaying it helps me gain freedom, clarity, and allows me to confess my sin, I trust that along the way, if it be God’s purpose for what I wrote, that someone else will gain freedom too but it’s no longer my number one reason. When it is, I go into an area of feeling like I owe it others to share instead of sharing out the sole place of my relationship with Jesus. In that way, I know I won’t get worn out or burned out doing things as unto people but instead can do things as unto the Lord and receive from Him reward (ref. Colossians 3:23-24)

[aprilnparrris]

What A Week...

This past week was one of pure flourishing. I can't say that I have ever been in quite the position I was in this past week and been able to get through it in a way where it came with as much joy.

"Then he said to them, "Go and eat what is rich, drink what is sweet, and send portions to those who have nothing prepared, since today is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, because the joy of the Lord is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

I sat in awe much of this week watching and waiting to hear from God, and spent time with my mouth open and tears streaming down my face as He revealed more and more revelation to me about Jesus, about salvation, and about an even greater depth of His love than I had known previously.

I saw Him provide for me in ways I had witnessed Him do for others but hadn't experienced to that magnitude for myself, all why discerning Him saying that there's more where that came from. I was invited to worship Him in dark and unclear moments and walk out of them without things having changed circumstantially yet being provided with comfort and assurance that I was on the right track, He sees me, He hears me, He knows me, and He most definitely loves me; that He has great plans for me to give me a hope and a future, that He knows the thoughts He has towards me and that I'm standing in the middle of a shift for many miracles to take place in my life.

Though there were moments of frustration, tears, overwhelming thoughts, some doubt at times and confusion, He came through every single time and every single day and hand-fed me exactly what I needed from Him, His word, and His presence. It has been a beautiful week indeed where His joy was truly my strength. I am overflowing with His passions for me.

[aprilnparrris]

I remember praying several prayers to not be like Moses when it came to missing out on the promised land for being upset with the children of Israel that he spoke to the rock when he was supposed to hit it and he hit the rock when he was supposed to speak to it.

As I would read how he pleaded with God that the children of Israel not be wiped out on account of them being disobedient that it seemed as if the more he petitioned on their behalf, the heavier the load on him got to the point he seemed fixated on getting everyone in instead of saying “It’s the Lord’s way or no way.” like Joshua his successor.

Today, I was reminded of that prayer and how I chose to follow the Lord instead of waiting by someone’s side and trying to help them get to Him too when it came increasingly clear that He isn’t what they really want. So I did what I was told to do; cut off all communication for two weeks/until further notice, seek His face and fast, pray, humble myself, and get back to the basics of things and not steer so close to the edge.

I try so hard to do the right thing sometimes that I haven’t always seen how that can put me and my purpose in jeopardy for the long run; that my days can be cut short when I start intervening with the Holy One’s plans with rebelliousness and complaining. God intended for Moses to enter into the promised land along with all the children of Israel but many did not enter and were forbidden.

I don’t want to fall prey to talking to God and treating Jesus any kind of way like there isn’t weight to who He is as Messiah, as the ruler in Heaven and all the earth, everything in the earth, and underneath it. He is not One to be played with and God cannot be mocked.

I’m grateful for God’s faithful and steadfast love and guidance for me. The very least I can do is love Him the ways in which He wants to be loved; with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength and establish and be rooted with Him in the ways in which He desires me to love my neighbors as myself.

I don’t want to forget all that You’ve shown me today and all You have reminded me of.

[aprilnparrris]

I sat in the Walmart parking lot last week crying uncontrollably after I caught a revelation about something I said to someone pertaining to music. I told them that I noticed how a lot of artists they listen to, I only listen to a few of each of the artists’ songs and I called it “sampling”.

In that moment I didn’t have words to describe the grief I felt but I knew it was so much deeper than I thought on the surface. It wasn’t just about my tendency to listen to only a few songs from an artist and be done or watch part of a movie or show series and be done…it was about safety, security and hopping around for some place safe to land. I thought that was kind of the end of it until we hung out and it hit me again but I never talked about it.

Sunday I decided to get baptized and as I was standing in line waiting for my turn to get in the tank for baptism, a lady came over to me and hugged me. It felt so inviting and I was happy and then I felt uncomfortable and began to let go but she didn’t budge. I felt myself asking why was I fighting this moment and then as I realized her posture hadn’t changed toward me in that moment, and I sat in that moment of discomfort and I felt the love of a mother but not just any mother but one that felt as though they were my own biological mother and it was in that moment I realized my own mother was not there at church, that she didn’t feel safe to me to land on in the way I was with this woman that I felt compelled and invited to rest my head on her shoulder and chest.

It hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could do was cry. It wasn’t one of those overly emotional cries, it was like an exchange of cries, one of grief and letting go but one of joy in receiving something I had longed for but never thought I would get in that way.

It’s been a lot of me having to be “a big girl” in life and having to navigate things that in the combination in which they have hit my life, it has been difficult to grasp how to be mature and deal with it all.

And this is only the surface of this.

[aprilnparrris]

Sometimes I forget that Tumblr is a place and a platform for me to express thought, changes I’m going through and how I’m processing all of that through faith in Jesus.

[holmezc]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕚𝕟𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕗 𝔾𝕠𝕕 𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕙𝕠𝕡𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕛𝕠𝕓 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕝𝕖𝕚𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕗𝕥 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕠 𝕙𝕚𝕞. “𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕃𝕠𝕣𝕕 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕤 𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕙𝕠𝕡𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕗𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖.” “𝔻𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕃𝕠𝕣𝕕; 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕘𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕚𝕣𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥” (ℙ𝕤𝕒𝕝𝕞 𝟛𝟟:𝟜).

[culturevulturette]

[aprilnparrris]

Just when I think I’ve completely lost it and gone mad; when I begin to consider perhaps I haven’t healed at all…You come in with the proper perspective that I was missing the whole time.

You never disappoint. Even when what I see at the time leads to those feelings, Abba, when You lift me up and allow me to see what You see, it’s a glorious image indeed!

Trusting me with things You know I’ll wrestle to keep in right position with You for, all the while fumbling at times; You use it all to show me what’s being healed, what’s being saved, and what cares are being casted upon Your shoulders and I’m learning to trust You more.

[aprilnparrris]

Pressure & Perspective

Aching in my heart today emotionally. Wanting relief but it only coming when I accept the feeling and why I have it and proceed to acknowledge You in it as more supreme than all of those things. I've never really done that before like this…not like this. I usually would dwell in the pain once I saw I couldn't get out of it and if I could I'd run until I got tired and then just give into it but this time…it's like I toil a little and then I accept it even when I don't understand why people evade me and run away. And Then reaching out to You and mostly acknowledging You and just choosing to mostly be quiet.

Wanting community…loving darkness and what 'feels' good even when it's not good. Wanting to forsake darkness but having doubt of whether full time light will be satisfying when it isn't about the flesh…when all I have known to make me feel good and comfortable has mostly been fleshly things. Not knowing how to operate to get there…realizing it's not my job to chart out a path to even getting there…it's Yours. My job is just to have faith and walk in line with Your Spirit and through that, I will get there. That just freed me up a whole bunch right there. And I smile again!

Perspective.

[80s-keery]

[aprilnparrris]

Learning to be kind to my kid self that while there was so much that happened to her, she still seems to love and forgive, while my older self struggles to understand why she is so happy when over time, people piled their weight on her; her joy and happiness in the middle of all of it...her forgiving heart...seemed to make people bitter.

[h-o-r-n-g-r-y]

[aprilnparrris]

Take the bitter with the sweet

[the-flowers-blog]

Sunflower, August 2021

[aprilnparrris]

Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Yellow.  Hello.

The sun is bright. Its glow, warm. The grey and gloomy clouds around me part to display the joy You buried deep inside of me. I thought it was gone but behold, here it is! It’s fragrance, the very essence of Your nature.