Thoughts for later

a place for ideas

[stjohnstarling]

I’m not sure how many people realize that there’s a way in which hurt/comfort is actually very kinky, because at its core you’ve got this emotional power exchange fantasy where one character is vulnerable and helpless and the other takes care of them. In the case of stories involving grievous injuries, where someone is bedridden for a long time, you often end up with two characters in a 24/7 total power exchange relationship without a safeword. It just doesn’t involve as many whips and dog collars.

[pomrania]

Tags by @asthedeathoflight:

#i think people get too caught up in the idea of kink as eroticizing the taboo (not that that's a bad thing at all lol) #and forget that coming at it from another angle kink is about vulnerability and trust #the fantasy of being at your most vulnerable and someone not hurting you (or hurting you and it still being okay) #vs the fantasy of someone letting you see them at their most vulnerable and trusting you not to hurt them (or hurting them and it's okay) #i think if people understood that more they'd understand that like having some interest in some kind of power exchange is like #super duper common #also as an ace person i don't really find like. the physical reality of sex very appealing #like it's whatever it exists it's fine it sounds messy #but like…. the vulnerability…. oogh #also i think this is the underlying motivation behind omegaverse too but nobody wants to admit that #it's literally 'what if i literally could not control the most desperate and vulnerable parts of myself and you stayed anyways 🥺' #that's kink baybee! #anyways. tag essay brought to you by my hyperfixation on the psychological aspects of kink

[oxymoronicdumbass2]

i walk a fine line between “i’m asexual and i hate how much the world revolves around sex” and “sex is way too stigmatized and people should be able to be more open about it if they want to”

[dark-nights-bright-lights]

I think these are two sides of the coin called "sex should not be such a big deal"

[partywithponies]

I love vague labels that make people go "but that's confusing" or "but that could mean anything" Good. Keep guessing lol

[partywithponies]

"Queer doesn't actually tell me anything" who says I wanted to tell you anything. Who even are you.

[mushroom-punk]

i love polyamory i love aromanticism i love QPRs i love communal child rearing let’s all get weirder forever

[rotten-zucchinis]

some RA writings now in zine format

I finally got around to compiling some of my RA-focused writings (2020) and related ones (2018-2020) that deal with ableism into zine format for the sake of portability!

Relationship Anarchist Writings (2020) from a neurodivergent & chronically ill aroace

Formatted to be read on a screen, printed "as is" for "large print" or printed "booklet" style for a half-page sized zine.

With a bit of editorial framing (including the original context/purpose of each piece), the zine includes the following pieces:

Tension between framing things in terms of mental Health vs. Neurodivergence (in ace community) (Feb, 2018)

“Invisible” chronic illness as an “invisibly” chronically ill ace (March, 2018)

On “Monogamy” (Jan, 2020)

Exploring ableism in the context of “I choose to…”, “I’m prioritising…” and “I should…” language (Dec, 2020)

Notes on consent, entitlement, rules, boundaries & veto (using logical operators) (May, 2020)

Community is/n’t dead (Jan, 2020)

[mysweetoddbird]

listen to me. if youre aro you have to be louder about it. i dont care how loud about it you are already you have to be louder. if we have to be surrounded knee deep by amatonormativity all the time every day its good for the soul to be loud and annoying about your aromanticism

[shesanonymousfornow]

I love non-sexual intimacy.

Like let me sit your lap with your hands on my waist while I talk your ear off about something stupid that I just feel like telling you about. Let me play with your hands. Let me run my nails along your muscles to relax you. Lay your head in my lap while I scratch your head so you can fall asleep. Let’s cuddle while we watch tv at night in a dim lounge room with only the soft light of a lamp. Let me brush your hair and play with it. Let me literally just exist in your space.

[tenitchyfingers]

“We chose the term “asexual” to describe ourselves because both “celibate” and “anti-sexual” have connotations we wished to avoid: the first implies that one has sacrificed sexuality for some higher good, the second that sexuality is degrading or somehow inherently bad. “Asexual”, as we use it, does not mean “without sex” but “relating sexually to no one”. This does not, of course, exclude masturbation but implies that if one has sexual feelings they do not require another person for their expression. Asexuality is, simply, self-contained sexuality.”

— The Asexual Manifesto, Lisa Orlando and Barbara Getz, 1972

[capricorn-0mnikorn]

Note the date, people:

That’s 1972

29 years before AVEN was started online,

and 47 years before the present.

And that’s only the date that Manifesto was written, so asexuals as members of a community must have existed at least some time before that.

So, no: we are not just Tumblr trenders. Get out of here with that.

[queerhumanbeing]

supporting my asexual friends and foes by rebbloging this

[freyjawriter24]

It’s 50 years this month since the first version of the Asexual Manifesto was written. Aces have been writing about our experiences under this name for at least half a century. We are not an internet fad.

[aromantic-diaries]

I have tested it and yes, you can do that platonically. Anything you can think of that is considered romantic is actually possible in a platonic context. Yes, even that. And that too. Like I cannot stress this enough, there is no act of affection and intimacy that takes you from being friends to being lovers. No exceptions. The only difference between friendship and romance is what the people involved decide to call whatever it is that they have going on. And like. Romantic attraction I guess, but that's not a thing I experience

[this-is-poly-joy]

In case no one’s told you this today, you are so cool for deconstructing amatonormativity.

You are so strong for not succumbing to society’s expectations of you and your relationships.

You are so awesome for having as many amorous relationships as you want even if that number is 0.

It is so fucking neat that you are cultivating whatever kind of relationship feels right for you and your partner(s).

It is so resourceful of you to take what works for you and leave the rest.

Your nonmonogamous desires are valid and so are you!

[deadinthename]

Sigh

[scribefindegil]

the thing is. any character who expresses discomfort with or behaves in ways unsupported by Standard Heterosexuality is going to be open to queer readings. but they're almost always going to be open to *multiple* queer readings. this character seems uncomfortable with the concept of marriage and never has a love interest: is he ace? aro? gay and closeted? trans and closeted? bi or even straight but unwilling to pursue a relationship for other reasons? too misogynistic to want to share his life with a woman (an uncomfortable reading, but often a valid one)? some combination of the above? very often, you could make an argument for any of these interpretations, and your argument would be supported by the same pieces of textual evidence.

similarly: this woman rejects all the men who express interest in her and seems exhausted by the whole affair: is she a lesbian? aro and/or ace? trans? bi or straight but with standards that no one has canonically met? someone who values her autonomy and knows how much that will be curtailed if she gets married? unless the text is very explicit about her reasoning, we don't know, and it could again be any of the above or a combination.

now, sometimes the text *is* very explicit and people still ignore it. I see this very commonly with ace and/or aro characters where fandom loves to ignore the character's own stated feelings and preferences to make them more shippable. this sucks. or there's instances where a character has an opposite-sex love interest and people really let their misogyny show by claiming that she never really mattered and you can/should completely ignore that relationship and not make it a part of your character analysis. this also sucks.

but. in many/most cases, there are multiple readings you can take from a given text. obviously people have their own preferred interpretations, but it's important to remember that other people can look at the same text as you and draw different conclusions that are just as well supported. the canon itself exists in a sort of nebulous state of quantum uncertainty where The Character could be any one of a number of different identities, and while any given transformative work is likely to collapse the waveform to a singular interpretation, that doesn't undo the ambiguity present in the original text.

[violet-phoenix-nebula]

This is easily the most interesting take I've ever seen discussing why the older generations seem to struggle so much with the discussions and changes with gender identity, and I think it's absolutely worth reading.

Obviously it doesn't cover 100% of intolerant people, but I think it explains a decent chunk tbh.

[polyamorousmood]

The memes are right btw. Being polyamorous will give you a communication kink.

I can no longer stand it when people don't just say shit🙄🙄

Someone just saying shit on a second date gets me weak in the knees🥴

[catholicapothecary]

[justalittlesolarpunk]

This is the foundation of all hope btw. In the words of Tolkien, 'despair is for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.'

[plum-petunia]

I look up aro books. "Aro 101" "What does aro mean" "The basics of what aro is for someone who knows jackshit about anything" "Ace romance book with no mention of aromanticism at all" "Guide to understanding aromanticism" I sigh and leave and just try to ignore the fact that there is nothing published about aros for aros.

[spicycheeser]

"A marriage ending isn't a failure at all. I spent eleven years with her. We were so in love that we couldn't image life apart from each other. We got our own place, adopted a dog, and supported each other through school. I thought if tow people loved each other enough the rest would fall into place, except... love isn't everything.

And I didn't want to believe that, but we were sitting in counseling one day, talking about our future and I realized we were describing two completely different lives. Where we'd live, what kind of life we wanted, what made us happy. And it hit me that- I love this woman and this woman loved me. And after eleven years of loss, grief, career changes, we were so deeply in love... but we weren't aligned. And I kept thinking 'We just need to try harder. We can find some compromise to make this work,' because that's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, right?

But the reality was, we had just become different people. Her trade school took her in one direction, my graduate degree in another and trying to force us back into who we were five years ago wasn't coming from a place of love. It was coming from a place of fear. Fear that, if this ended, it meant we wasted eleven years. But sitting there across from her, I realized: That's not how love works.

Those eleven years happened. They were real. The dog, our home, showing up for each other through grad school and trade school. I wouldn't change a single thing because loving someone doesn't mean you're meant to stay with them forever. And letting go doesn't erase what you had. We measure marriage by whether it lasts forever or not, but what if we measured it by whether it mattered?

What if we measured it by the love we gave, the life we built, and the people we became? Because love's job isn't to last forever, it's to help you become fully completely yourself, and sometimes the most loving thing you can do is give each other permission to be yourselves, separately. But the dog doesn't know were' divorced. He just gets two Christmases now."

Pulled this from this guy Preston Rakovsky's Instagram (@prestonrack) because it is a beautiful perspective on love, marriage, and relationships in general.