aromanticising your faves since 2017

zee | 20s | aro | it/they | i follow from @big-urchin-energy

[emmaharwoods]

you can click on this button once daily to help palestine and support other causes in the middle east for free. it takes literally 5 seconds and could help save lives so please take the time to click and share this link.

[some-pers0n]

Can I be a little rude and inconsiderate and dense for a moment

[some-pers0n]

I feel irked whenever there's discussion around queerphobia in fandom spaces and how biases from our surrounding culture seep into these fan spaces and cultivate an environment where said queerphobia flourishes and then you got some dumbass going "Well hey I'm a part of that minority and I like it when we're portrayed in that way because I'm like that too". It sounds really really bad when I put it that way, but I see it so many times in regards to how people talk about transgender and aspec characters it's bewildering

I gotta be real I don't exactly care if you, individual real person with a life outside of fandom, fit into the archetype being critiqued here. I care more about when this archetype is the overwhelming majority of how characters of this niche are portrayed over and over and over again and how that is a symptom of wider issues like queerphobia. Like think about it for two seconds why some might have a problem with how trans men in fanfiction are almost always a submissive bottom with no bottom surgery paired up with a cis male dom top boyfriend without butting in that you also like PIV sex. That's awesome dude but also we're talking about fictional characters and how trends within fiction are reflection of the wider culture it's spawned from and maybe there's a bit more insidious of reasons as to why trans men are consistently portrayed in such a way beyond authors projecting. Maybe just a little

[some-pers0n]

Like ok I'm aroace too and I also enjoy partaking in shipping and such (oftentimes with characters I hc as being on the aroace spectrum in some fashion) but also I'm able to put aside that all when acknowledging that it's a consistent problem within allo-dominated fandoms of them being presented with a fun and conventionally attractive aspec character and instantly trying to devise any sort of excuse or reasoning to ship them. I'm not gonna sit here and go "Well I'm aroace and I looooooove shipping aroace characters too ugh the fandom police are trying to stop everyone from doing anything" c'mon now

[peach-pot]

I think some of you people need to google amatonormativity… and like, think about it.

[peach-pot]

you can actually desire a traditional romantic relationship AND unpack amatonormative ideas within your mind and life. they are not mutually exclusive!

[justatiredghost]

if your response to, “I wish there was more sex repulsed asexual representation,” is to point out not all aces are sex repulsed, maybe first stop and ask yourself why you are doing that. We live in a society that’s constantly telling us we need to have sex and I’m so glad there are aces who aren’t bothered by that, but it doesn’t invalidate those of us that do not want to. This isn’t a competition, I want to see all kinds of aces, being upset with a lack of respect for sex repulsed aces doesn’t mean I think the rep that’s already there for sex favorable aces should be changed. I am capable of wanting both, why aren’t you?

[velvetvexations]

"Even cis men?" is the obvious response to my stance that practically anyone can be lesbians, and to answer with another question: are any cis men actually doing that to begin with? I mean, unironically, not as a joke? Because I don't think they are. Generally cis men are not going to sincerely identify with the term the way cis women and trans people will. Cis men essentially self-regulate themselves out of the definition without anyone needing to make that definition have concrete limits.

Whether it's WLW, transmascs who drove through Dykeville to get where they are now, or anyone else, you should assume someone calling themselves a lesbian has a good reason for doing so.

[pingintech]

to add to this actually i wanna say ive known quite a few cis men who call themselves lesbians in a joking manner and theres tons of cis men on women only dating apps but the thing is that cis men calling themselves lesbians are typically looking for straight women or desperately hoping for some porn inspired fantasy three way and these cis men on these apps tend to be ignored and beyond that these cis men dont wave around lesbian pride flags or come out to their families as lesbians the only kinds of "cis men" who are that heavily invested in wanting so dearly to actually be a lesbian in a non joking matter tend to have gender motivated reasoning

anyone can be lesbians doesnt mean anyone deserves to or will get sex with other lesbians and in fact asexual lesbians exist who arent interested in sex at all and anyone can be lesbians does not in fact mean lesbian spaces will fill up by the tens or hundreds with cis men you might see a homer simpson in the lesbian bar every now and then but tbqh he isnt gonna be a regular

its about freedom of expression in identity

[brainscrems]

Also like. What if there was a cis dude who genuinely, unironically considered himself a lesbian for whatever reason. This is gonna hurt people… how, exactly? Like. If this dude has enough on w his gender and sexuality that he feels it fits while cis, I kinda don’t really see the issue. Like if we accept that gender identity does not equal presentation nor pronouns, and we should, then there shouldn’t be an issue with a lesbian trans woman using he/him pronouns with no interest in changing presentation or hormones or surgery. In fact I’m sure those people exist. If we can accept that, and, again, we should, I really don’t see why we would reject anyone on something so intangible as gender identity.

[pingintech]

yeah literally it would harm no one

i think there is so much fear mongering about the thought of cis straight people invading queer spaces and its like??? A. a lot of cishet ppl just do not care to do that B. if they did as long as they respect others in the community so what and C. gender and sexuality are very nuanced and complicated and these are social constructs that we all as a society constructed we can redefine it whenever we want there are absolutely ways in which people can be and are cis het and queer

[silent--construct]

Hi! A coworker of mine is a cis man and a lesbian. He says it in a sort of joking manner but I would accept it even if it wasn't:

He is married to a woman who is mostly only attracted to women, and they are in an open poly relationship together. They pretty much exclusively date and hang out with queer women & trans men together outside of work, even his wife and their other girlfriends consider him "a lesbian in a man's body". I have also, to be honest, rarely ever met a cis man who respects the women around him as much as he does. I present as a woman at work, in fact I only recently told him I'm trans in private. This guy has been nothing but respectful towards me as long as I've known him.

"But what if he's an egg?" Frankly that is currently none of my business and it's no one else's either, he's a man at the time I'm writing this, and I respect that! He knows plenty of trans women, he knows full well it's an option for him. If he ever decides one day to transition and he tells me, that's great and I'll give him the same respect he has for me as someone who is transfemmasc, but for now he's a bald bearded 6' dude who manages to attract lesbians as though he is a woman.

He's not harming anyone by doing this! He's not "invading women's spaces", all the lesbians and transfems he knows want him there. He's out there living his best life, regardless of whether or not the label 'really should' apply to him. He's not harming anyone by doing so, and quite frankly I think he's awesome !

No matter how hard someone tries to make up a guy that justifies exlclusionism, there will always be someone living that way, whether or not you've met them personally.

"Even cis men?"

Even cis men.

[aroaceenjolras]

Everyone is affected by compulsory sexuality. Even if you're sex-favorable. Even if you're allo. Accepting this will make your sex life better.

[aroaceenjolras]

we seriously need a "consent is sexy!" type movement for acknowledging the existence of compulsory sexuality like I truly believe that is the only thing that would work on a lot of people. Being sure that you're seeking out sexual relationships because you want to and not because you think it's socially required is sexy. Appreciating sex as the pleasurable action it is for most people and not attaching a bunch of other made up meanings to it is sexy. Not staking your entire sense of self worth on whether you're getting laid is sexy. Letting people have variable and not-wholly-positive relationships to sex without coercing them to feel another way about it than they do is sexy. Jingling keys in front of you like a baby. Sexy Sexy Sexy. Is this anything

[thedaygoesupinflames]

strongest bitches out there are the aro's that maintag their aro headcanon posts tbh

[thedaygoesupinflames]

ESPECIALLY THEN. bravest people on this entire internet undoubtedly.

[womanenjoyer]

like at least 50% of internet lgbt discourse would evaporate if people quit using the term "spaces" when they mean "discord servers" or "tumblr blogs" because we would collectively realize how stupid that shit is

[otabekisautistic]

“this is a lesbian-only space” no this is the tiktok comments on a chappell roan video

[aromanticsky]

“marriage is a legal document that protects you, you’ve gotta decouple it in your brain from romance and amatonormativity” the fact that marriage is a legal document that protects and privileges you (that, might I add, generally isn’t valid without romance+sex) is LITERALLY amatonormativity. A legal status that privileges people in monogamous long-term romantic-sexual relationships IS AMATONORMATIVITY. That is *what it was coined to talk about.*

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

I'm way too aromantic for fandom man. "I don't look at my friends like that." That's because you guys are unimaginative, shallow cowards who see platonic love as a lesser form of love so therefore any relationship that is emotionally intense and intimate has to be romantic. Makes me wonder what kind of lacklustre friendships people are having if they can't conceive of non-romantic love being just as meaningful and life-altering as romantic love.

[scribefindegil]

like it's genuinely absurd how every post by an aro person going "Hey, it's kind of fucked up that marriage is the only way to access certain rights and privileges" gets people coming out of the woodwork to say "You idiot! Don't you know that marriage is important?! It's the only way to access certain rights and privileges!"

like . . . yeah. they do know that. that is in fact the problem.

[hound-mother]

can i stress the importance of boundary setting? of being able to say no? if you want to be able to play with this shit, or really engage sexually at all, you need to be able to look someone in the eye and say “i don’t want this.”

[hound-mother]

if you can’t look me in the eye and say No, if you haven’t demonstrated an ability to voice discomfort when you feel it, you are not a safe partner and i do not want to play with you.

[houndmother]

specifically what i’m thinking about here, though idk if clarification is needed, is that when you don’t tell me you’re uncomfortable you’re putting me in the position of harming you without giving me the option not to. if you never say “i don’t want this” then i don’t get to say “no problem, we don’t have to!” and you’ll grow to resent and hate me for crossing a boundary that was never communicated to me. actually, this applies to things other than sex too. if you never voice displeasure/discomfort, or direct desire, you’re making it impossible for people to respect you and give you what you want and keep you feeling safe.

[houndmother]

good tags. but i want to respond directly to one thing here bc in a lot of ways it’s the crux of what im talking about. “do not let them find out later that you weren’t actually consenting.” the thing about this is that, if you verbally consent, even if you don’t mean it, you DID consent. your partner cannot read your mind. they cannot anticipate that you weren’t actually feeling it. you don’t then get to turn around and go “oh this person assaulted me because i didn’t actually consent” when you said yes and responded positively to every check in. that person did nothing wrong, you failed to communicate. when someone needs to set a boundary and doesn’t, they’re causing the harm in that situation. their failure to communicate is what is putting them in an unsafe situation.

[queer-cosette]

For my ace buddies and fellow demis.

(I'm gonna add alt text in a few hours - I'm currently on mobile with a shitty Internet signal)

[knifearo]

by the way

[sherlockboylove]

no no i actually think it’s super fun that you took that aro/ace character and bent them over backwards to make them gay!!!! we all know being gay is more #progressive than being aro/ace so i’m so glad you freed them from having a storyline unconnected from romance and shipping!!! you go diva!!!

[sherlockboylove]

no no i actually think it’s super fun that you took that aro/ace character and bent them over backwards to make them gay!!!! we all know being gay is more #progressive than being aro/ace so i’m so glad you freed them from having a storyline unconnected from romance and shipping!!! you go diva!!!

[lastoneout]

You guys need to recognize that the push to treat ace and aro discourse as stupid infighting that never left tumblr is indeed a manifestation of the continued erasure and devaluing of asexuality, aromanticism, and and ace and aro lives in an effort to pretend that the people who did it weren't part of a reactionary hate movement that completely decimated two entire marginalized communities both on and offline.

Like I try to be nice about this but I have seen SO many fucking people being like "lol yeah ace/aro discourse was one thing" and that is deliberate erasure of real and important queer history in service of dodging blame on the parties that did this who, for the most part, never fucking apologized or owned up to it, or, in the case of a few blogs I still see going around, clearly still stand by all of it and just hope you don't point that out, and ofc, no one ever fucking does.

Stop downplaying the absolute fucking devastation the queer community did to ace and aro people and our communities. If owning it makes you uncomfortable, good, go make it right, and start by not fucking lying about what happened, thanks.

[lastoneout]

Everyone will think I'm crazy, but I cannot stress that an atrocity was done to ace and aro people, and we never got so much as a fucking apology.

[lastoneout]

I do want to say if you got caught up in this I don't hate you, especially if you learned and changed, because like most reactionary hate movements ace/aro discourse was always presented as righteous and fun, and also it was EVERYWHERE and the people stirring shit were very well articulated. A lot of us were teenagers joining queer spaces for the first time ever and we wanted to belong and sometimes that means hating who the people who already belong tell you to hate. I get why people fell for it, I came close a few times myself when I was at my lowest and most desperate to feel like I belonged again. I get it.

I can't offer forgiveness or absolution to everyone, but you don't need me to forgive you to forgive yourself and move on, and I do think most of the people who got caught up in it have more than earned moving on.

However, what I want is for everyone to stop downplaying it. Don't call it stupid infighting, don't go "ace stuff was one thing but this with trans men is too far" don't claim it didn't leave tumblr or the internet, own how bad it was. If you were there you know, and your history is valuable, so even when it sucks please be honest about what happened. This part of queer history should not be forgotten, and especially not for the people who never really changed and have an interest in making sure everyone thinks this was just some silly infighting.

That's what I ask, do right by us, don't let us be erased again.

Especially because when you forget, when you downplay it, you downplay what's happened with truscum shit, with biphobia, and now with trans masc exclusion. You downplay it and you disguise that it's the same people saying the same things about a new group. I found out about the rise in trans man/masc exclusion because I saw someone saying that trans men are collateral damage secondary to the real targets of transphobia, trans women, and I immediately knew the person saying it was a shithead I should NEVER trust because that is exactly what they said about bi and ace and aro people. Word for word.

You do those who were hurt a disservice when you downplay what happened, but you also make our spaces less safe because if we pretend what happened didn't we can't stop it when it starts again.

And it always starts again.

[lastoneout]

Reblogging again after seeing YET ANOTHER person say ace/aro discourse wasn't mainstream and didn't leave the internet. People got kicked out of irl queer spaces behind this, stop fucking lying about what happened. At this point more someone pushes the "ace/aro discourse was bad but not mainstream/offline/as bad as what's happening now with [xyz group]" the more I think you have a vested interest in making it out to be not a big deal and that doesn't say anything good about you.

Like y'all claim to be against oppression olympics, but you're still engaging with it every single time you say anything even remotely like "ace/aro discourse was really bad but nothing as serious as what's happening now" and I'm sick of pretending it's not oppression olympics and also not a manifestation of the continued violence against ace and aro people. If the only way you're going to talk about what happened is through downplaying our suffering and/or spreading misinformation about it, do me and every other aro and ace person a favor and stop fucking talking about us.