You try saying no to these salty parabolas.

she/her

[arualclosean]

I'm going to apologize now for what is about to happen to my feed. I found my three years hyperfixation on here and it's about to get baaaaad....

[cloudabserk]

dr ilya to the rescue! inspired by this post

[academicblorbo]

After a night out drinking, Shane gets very self-conscious about himself compared to women that Ilya might be or have been into. Specifically, Svetlana. This may have started after seeing Ilya being hit on repeatedly while getting drinks for the entire team.

So when they come home and Ilya has tucked Shane in bed - because he isn't going to initiate anything spicy while Shane is clearly both drunk and not emotionally well - Shane starts bombarding Ilya with questions that only confuse Ilya the further Shane goes.

- Ilya would you have preferred if my hair was curly - Ilya do you think I'm too bulky? Maybe I should try to lean down... - I need to buy a good bronzer don't I - Ilyaaaaa please don't be mad that my Russian isn't perfect I promise I'm trying so hard -

At first Ilya finds is very funny and cute but then he catches on with what's going on and he gets up in the middle of the night, while Shane pouts because WHERE ARE YOU GOING WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME only to return with their marriage certificate, which they have framed, and shoving it in Shane's face to show him the one thing he has that nobody else will ever have

[perlukafarinn]

I bet once Yuna gets to know Ilya as Shane's boyfriend, all the things that used to infuriate her about him as a player become endearing to her instead. Like before she would call him an asshole for the way he chirps everyone endlessly but now it's a good strategy and isn't it impressive how he's twice as clever in his second language as most other players in the league are in their first?

Shane calls her out on this change of heart and Yuna pretends she doesn't know what he's talking about.

[belleandkurtbastian]

Ilya in post-game interviews keeps referring to his “wife-in-law” and the media and fans are (naturally) convinced that he’s just confused and doesn’t realise that term makes no sense whatsoever.

This goes on for a while until one reporter is finally brave enough to ask.

“I’m sorry, you keep saying your ‘wife-in-law’, and I feel like someone should tell you that that’s not… a thing? Do you mean your sister-in-law? Mother-in-law?”

Ilya: “No, there is no misunderstanding. My wife-in-law, Jackie. We get drinks every few weeks. She calls me her husband-in-law, I call her my wife-in-law, and our husbands both roll their eyes because that’s just how they are.”

And then he walks off.

[befloweringg]

when shane and ilya go shopping shane doesn't let ilya carry a single bag and gets upset if he tries to grab the bag from the counter, therefore there are countless thirst pages dedicated to shanes buff arms with dozens of bags on them

[penandinkprincess]

while we're talking hollanov under the influence of medication (is the only one talking about it), i'm laughing about the idea of shane half-expecting ilya to just be even MORE flirty when he's high on painkillers or coming out of sedation

and instead man is AGGRESSIVELY faithful

unhand him ✋ he is MARRIED ✋ (they are literally just trying to take his vitals) hands OFF!! his husband is gorgeous and will NOT appreciate this!!! (he says this to *shane* who is trying to help him back into actual clothes)

shane has to leave to let anya out and just gets a picture from svetlana of ilya curled up in the hospital bed smiling at a full screen picture of shane on his phone. literally the only way he would chill out and relax.

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya unknowingly flirting with his husband through the medium of his husband is SO fucking funny

and the idea of his brain suddenly going !! my shane!!! once they're in Proper Shane Context is KILLING ME

[argillaforma]

yeah yeah yeah shane finds ilya hot like that's his big russian man but he also finds him so beautiful. he loves just looking at his face because he's got these pretty eyes that look deep into shane's soul and he's crazy about his heart shaped cupids bow and he loves his big goofy smile and the way his curls lands on his forehead and he just thinks his man is so pretty

[vadergf]

I feel like someone is standing next to me talking about how I'm dead

[rudolphsboyfriend]

The chemical they put on ants and all the other ants think they're dead that's what happened to tumblr except the chemical is unmarketability

[bisexualalexmercer]

tumblr may have censored porn but check this out

i hope Elon musk KILLS himself and DIES a thousand DEATHS. and i hope every other billionaire a very merry DIE DIE DEATH KILL MURDER DEATH KILL

[the-trash-eating-llama]

[deletiaclementine]

Consider: Ilya Rozanov as celebrity judge at a local dog show, ends afternoon in tears because he simply cannot choose a favorite when they’re all good dogs

[inmyhollanovera]

Once they both play for Ottowa, whenever Shane is getting sent to the penalty box, Ilya will "accidentally" trip someone or forget how to use his stick correctly, just so he can slide onto the bench next to his husband, bump his shoulder and be like "fancy seeing you here" with a wink and a grin and Shane is pissed because hockey is a serious game but then Ilya will keep murmuring filthy things to him (lip readers will analyze these scenes on Tiktok) and Shane will spend the entire 2 minutes trying (and failing) not to laugh (or get hard). And that's mission accomplished for Ilya.

[iknowhowthestaffwantstobetreated]

#myilya buys either a 10-pack of socks for a dollar or ridiculously expensive cashmere socks and when he wears his Fancy Socks he always lets shane know like Shane! Look! and wiggles his toes and Shane has to reply some variation of Oooh nice socks baby! because the one time he didn't, Ilya hit him with the You Don't Love Me Anymore

[penandinkprincess]

i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.

[penandinkprincess]

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas

and ilya just "thirteen hours of labor, but worth every minute, yes?" as he puts his phone back looking SO fucking pleased with himself because he really at least 33% had them for a second

[memeclassheroes]

[greywrenn]

#‘el pastel promedio tiene tres leches’ es en realidad un error estadístico. El pastel promedio tiene 0 leches. Leches Georg#quien vive en una cueva y absorbe 10.000 leches al día#es un valor atípico qeu no debería haberse contado (via @deathbycoldopen)

[adamsmasher]

I don't speak Spanish but I understand every word

[optionalcausality]

I appreciate 'adn' being preserved in the form of 'qeu', that's absolutely beautiful.

[no-one-offical]

‎

[fashion-runways]

Hunter Schafer attends the 2026 Met Gala celebrating "Costume Art" at the Metropolitan Museum of Art on May 04, 2026 in New York City. (Photo by Julian Hamilton/Getty Images) pls help me get out of debt donating to: ko-fi.com/fashionrunways or dinahlance-shop.fourthwall.com

[manicpixiedreamkiller]

how many sharks does a tornado need to be considered a sharknado

1

2

3-5

10 ????

more ??????

other ????????????

Voting ended onMar 27

[manicpixiedreamkiller]

this is the level of analysis we’re looking for here people

[gaynehollander]

At some point after the cottage but before the public outing TMZ does an article on “Ilya Rozanov’s most high-profile hookups” which is essentially just a list of Instagram models with paparazzi shots and blurry cellphone pics of Ilya at the club. Shane scrolls through it, absolutely seething, because he is Ilya’s most high-profile hookup - maybe not by their metric, which seems to be Instagram followers, but Shane hasn’t heard about a single one of these women, apart from Svetlana whom he wouldn’t have recognised if not for Ilya talking about her. The guys are talking about it in the locker room, as if Ilya’s a legend for getting with all of these supposedly very desirable women (although that is decidedly not the way the guys phrase it) and Shane is absolutely furious because he can’t tell anyone that none of these women got to keep him. He is the only one who’s gotten to call Ilya his. He is the only person Ilya’s been in love with.

Anyway, after the next Boston/Montreal game Ilya shows up to practice genuinely looking like he’s been mauled. His entire body is covered in hickeys and bruises that look suspiciously like bite marks - his neck is basically covered in purpling marks with a fair few centred on his chest but a couple of the bruises trail further down, one on his pubic bone, a couple on his thighs, and the darkest one on his hip, a large circle of clear teeth marks - not only that but his back has been practically scratched to ribbons. Ilya is basically a walking sign spelling out “TAKEN - BACK OFF” and when the gossip of Ilya Rozanov apparently having been locked down by a wild animal reaches the Montreal locker room Shane can’t help the proud little smile that blooms on his face because, yes, that’s his man.