KIROKAZE
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Today's Document
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@ashenpanda-blog
I sat up this morning in a panic, "Don't go! Please! Don't go." It felt like I had screamed, but the words were strangled in the edges of sleep. I hadn't heard his voice in nearly ten years, and never would in life again, but for a few moments, in the hands of Morpheus, he was with me, and I was forgiven. I could still feel his cheek against mine and the words he whispered in my ear before I returned to the waking world.
"I missed you. I am with you still."
Omfg
*releases pack of dads into home depot* goâŠâŠbe free
invasive species encroach on lesbian territory
This is a common misconception because theyâre such similar environments, but you should be aware that dads are native to Home Depot, while lesbians are actually native to Loweâs. At this point, however, both dads and lesbians have made themselves at home in both Home Depot and Loweâs to the point that trying to separate them back into their original ranges would probably do more harm than good to the delicate ecosystem of large chain hardware stores.
A properly raised and socialized Dad will be perfectly comfortable cohabiting with Lesbians. Its not really âencroaching on anotherâs territoryâ. You wouldnât say that about foxes in a forest that also homes bobcats, would you? No. Itâs just two different species that have both evolved to live in similar/the same environment. As long as they recognize each other as equals, Dads and Lesbians are more than capable of cohabitation.
Now, if you were to release a pack of Lumberjacks into a Lowes or Home Depot, thatâs where chaos will reign. Being adapted to a far harsher and more demanding environment, the Lumberjacks would simply push Dads and Lesbians both out and also consume far more than a sustainable amount of resources. It would be like releasing bears at a country club.
As a former timber-harvester⊠I feel this is potentially accurate in theory. But highly improbable in actuality.
Lumberjacks, like most megafauna species generally require more space than the average hardware store, even a big box store could provide. The misconception is that Lumberjacks are a social species because of how they often work and live together.
This is a matter of necessity, not preference, and a survival technique for thriving under the LogBoss.
A âpackâ of Lumberjacks, if not under the environmental pressure of a LogBoss will naturally disperse until they each have a wide territory.
Lumberjacks rarely fight for territory.
One on one, a Lumberjack could drive out a Dad or Lesbian, however the latter tend to travel in social packs.
Lumberjacks will passively retreat on the presence of large numbers of people. Kind of like Sasquatch.
Getting a âpackâ of Lumberjacks assembled would be hard enough unless they were forced into a Hardware Store by a LogBoss. In that case, they would already be in a heightened and potentially agitated state far above their natural behavior. This artificial scenario can be likened to a circus animal running amok. If it had been in the wild, the incident would not have occurred.
Free-roaming Lumberjacks are the cryptids of the Hardware ecosystem. They are surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive.
Please stop labeling Lumberjacks as dangerous roving social predators. They are intermediate level omnivores and remarkably peaceful unless threatened.
As a hardware store worker I can say that this is all 100% accurate.
November thoughts
This week I'm working offsite, about 130 miles from home, so I'm crashing at my parents for an easier commute. I don't particularly like being away from home so many nights in a row, and neither do my nestmates, but it beats driving two hours or more each way every day.
What's really concerning for me is the feeling of being left behind. Now, don't get me wrong, we're busy people. Mr. Mage has school (in paramedicine, I'm so damn proud of him), Unico (Mr. Mage's newish lady) works most weekdays,Baphi Daddy has a regular job (besides saving me from myself), and I work in a busy hospital an hour away from home normally. There's just something really nice about being home, being able to walk into my house and know everyone there gives a fuck, even if half the house is asleep when I get in. But when I'm not there, I feel bereft, like I'm missing something important but have no idea what it is. The feeling leaves me scared and anxious, and makes me regret agreeing to tale the temp shifts. As much as we need the extra cash, its murder on my psyche.
This is probably why I'm blogging on Tumblr instead of my more wildly read one, my nestmates likely won't be able to read this, or get to see the tsunami of guilt/stress/pain I'm feeling. Plus, I get time to process the mild bits of jealousy and other weird emotes from my weekend in San Jose with Baphi and Mouse (Baphi Daddy's other little one). I tried really hard to not have a panic about it, and I think I did well, even managing to break out of my shell for an awesome sorta threesome with Baphi and Spyro (furry friend of ours, purple dragon and all around good guy), and managed to navigate a small orgy. I only had two bad moments of anxiety, one with a crowd of strangers that weren't furries (totally different vibe) and one in group that i solved without having a meltdown. I just quietly went back up to the room and had a small nap with music on curled up under a blanket. I felt pretty good about myself all weekend, but now the doubt is creeping in about wether ot not I was good enough. Though I'm pretty sure I wasn't a nuisance, the hardcore self-doubt mobile just rolled in. And it's looking like Mad Max in my brain.
Consciously, I know for a fact that I wasn't a problem, awkward as fuck but not a problem. I played nicely and stayed in my lane. But oh man, my brain doesn't play nice. It's like living with Rick Sanchez, only with less impossible science. Baphi Daddy tells me I did amazing, and everything was wonderful and perfect. It helps. Both of us cried in the airport shuttle, then were fairly melancholy on the way home. The day after was better, we slept late and got lunch together, then went and did errands, just enjoying each other's quiet.
After errands, we stopped at the cemetery and Daddy introduced me to his father and one of his best friends there. I'm honored he shared that with me, and let me see how raw and vulnerable it left him. Its another layer deeper into his heart, and the further in I get the less willing I am to ever let go.
I call this setâŠÂ âNoir Princessesâ.
PRINTS HEREâŠÂ https://bit.ly/2NqqOX7
OH. MY GOSH.
I love them so much! And probably need each and every one.
This is so amazing!
now THIS is a re-imagining
âListen, if I canât afford a bad dragon dildo, Iâm gonna try to get the real thing.â -Me, a bard who is rolling to seduce the dragon
The Hell is this Target?!
Pokemon Rice Art made by peaceloving_pax
Everything's in Retrograde!
*rides away from the bullshit*
I'm a water Leo. Y'all can fuck right off with that nonsense. I'm good.
My entire family/pack/polycule in a nutshell. (Except for the furries, but well one canât have everything)
Little Moments That Make Life Beautiful
 As the internet knows, I share a home with my two boyfriends, my girlfriend and was staying with a fourth part time. Two weeks ago, my part-time partner broke up with me in the worst way possible. TBH, I became an emotional wreck. Both of my menfolk stood at my back and kept me from hitting my knees, while my lady did her best while flat on her back post knee surgery. Little acts of love and comfort abounded.
 Sir, picking me up the night i got the text, holding my hand the entire ride home.
 Daddy waiting up for me and letting me sob in his lap, stroking my hair and back and whispering reassurances.
 Trouble, spending hours letting me vent, helping me process the nonsense running through my head.Â
 My stepson calling me âawesome.â and rallying with my stepdaughter to make me laugh.
 Daddy getting up with me early Saturday to get coffee.
 Sir sitting with me against his chest at the club, talking with the people around us.
Saturday night snuggled between my loves, all of us sleeping late into Sunday morning.
Daddy and Willow going out of their way to pick me up for clubbing. The n spending all of the next day hanging out around the house and exploring a cool new place non of us had ever found before.Â
Dinner the other night, with Daddyâs Mom, and the simple joy of a quiet meal together.
 Daddy playing with me hard and often, keeping my mind focused on the present, on anything other than a broken link.Â
Sirâs fingers in my hair, just brushing against me as he walked by to show affection.
Daddyâs thumbs in my shoulder, working out the knots patiently.
This honestly bothers me
"Tear my soul apart.
Drown me in you sea of Darkness.
I'll be your lucky star,
If you promise me you'll never let me go."
"Better the Devil" -Skold
*Proceeds directly into nervous breakdown.*
me
Surprise Bitch! Bet you werenât expecting me today!
Iâm at work, its been a relatively productive day, everythingâs going fine.
 Have a panic attack!
Wait, what? Thereâs literally nothing wrong. Everything's going good, sure, itâs a bit busy, but nothing I canât handle. I even got invited to a play party as someoneâs guest. Really, itâs good.
 Too much! Itâs too much! Run immediately to the bathroom and cry until youâre throwing up!
The Fuck! Iâm fine. Iâm FINE. Iâm not fine.... FUCK iâm not fine.
*proceeds to throw up in the bathroom for 30 minutes.*
 The hell was that about?
 *gets up, pees, sees blood*
 I knew I wasnât a week-ass bitch. Iâm just a twat on their period. Dammit.Â
Fawn.
âYou know this poly shit never works! When will you realize if you stay in it youâre just going to end up alone. Heâs just going to dump you when he finds someone younger and prettier anyway. Donât you want a family? Donât you want children? I want them with you, but i want to know that theyâre mine, not live in fear that theyâre your boyfriendâs. I donât want to have to explain to my children why mommy goes off a fucks another man on weekends!âÂ
âGet OUT! Donât come back for awhile, just LEAVE!âÂ
Six years ago I had that argument with my then secondary partner, Fawn. We were living with my primary, Mage, and broke as fuck. At the time, I was doing house chores and, in the grand tradition of those before me, lightly complaining about how bad the house was. I was actually in a pretty decent mood, Fawn though, always felt that living there was an indignity. That I was dancing too much attendance upon the person paying our bills, instead of him. He wanted out. Thus started the breakup...or it should have. He came back with things we couldnât afford to apologize, and used smooth words in a soft, sweet voice to reconcile what shouldnât have flown. We were together four years after that point.
 I met Fawn at a Halloween party hosted by a mutual friend. Two years younger than me, he was doing a bit of bar work and laughing, joking with people getting drinks and generally handling the role with aplomb. I thought he was sweet. He thought I was the most beautiful girl at the party.Â
 We met up roughly two weeks later at the Barnes & Noble in Hollywood, and sat talking for hours, about who we were at that point and who we wanted to be, in hindsight. I wasnât what he wanted, but we were younger then, and in pretty serious lust for each other. Weâd talk and text back and forth for hours, dreams, fantasies, bits about work, anything we could think of poured from our phones. There were hiccups, but I thought those were normal, everyone had quirks and growing pains. I wish i had seen the red flags that came later from the start.
 Red Flag 1: He was militantly straightedge. First off, there is nothing wrong with being straightedge, if thatâs you, you do you. Same for any other lifestyle choice, Iâll support your pursuit of it, but donât expect me to join in on it unless i think itâs a good idea for me. At the time we met, I was a light to moderate smoker and drank socially. I was even known to smoke weed on occasion. He never liked that, and often gave me disapproving stares or grumped if I would have a cigarette socially or get a drink with dinner. And tried to enforce a dry household on everyone he was friends with.Â
 Red Flag 2: I identify as mildly gender-fluid. Iâm most comfortable in tactical pants, a t-shirt and what my Sir refers to as shit-kicker boots, mostly in black, with splashes of color. These days my shirts are cut a bit more femme, but Iâm still pretty much on the same style. Fawn wanted pastels and dresses, again nothing wrong with that, if thatâs your thing, but it was forced and uncomfortable for me. He tried to change large portions of my personality to suit him, including how i ate and enjoyed things. and would pout if i failed to adjust my behavior.Â
 Red Flag 3: Total emotional shut-down whenever he was upset. Even for minor things. Simple stuff, like how I ate or not wanting to watch a show would set him off for days into a cold, silent funk. Wouldnât talk or even look at me, just cold silence.Â
 Red Flag 4: Total ideology shift from poly. He wanted me all to himself, and sulked when I spent time with my other partner, or when I talked about possibly going on a date, including, driving off someone i was kinda hopeful about with his disapproving presence. Any time I went to visit my Sir, Mage, heâd throw fits and generally try and make me miserable via text and call if i was away.Â
 Red Flag 5: The fact that most of my friends were male made him super uncomfortable. In fact, any males in my life, except my brother and father that got any portion of my time, including my ambulance partner, he was unhappy about. But it was totally okay that almost all of his friends were females. The fact that i worked with patients made him unhappy, âbecause you can see and touch their dicks!â He wanted to be the only man in my life, period.Â
 Red Flag 6: Heâd defend me to his family, then turn around and tell me that my opinion/choice/style was wrong if i was against them. Case in point, one of his sisters said something that hurt me very badly, and i admit i reacted poorly, at the time he comforted me, but then turned around and said she was right a few weeks later.Â
 Red Flag 7: Super often bouts of passive-aggressive woe-is-me commentary if my opinion about something differed or if we wanted different things. Constant little bitchy things in texts, or over the phone, and then telling me i was wrong if i called him on it. Every conversation like that was some form of gas-lighting in retrospect.
 Red Flag 8: Money. We were running on shared finances. Iâd take the bus and eat off the dollar menu, and heâd Uber to work every day, and order the most expensive thing on the menu, then bitch if we were out of money. He had no concept of being super-cheap, or the fact that maybe someone else might need the cash he had spent on his $20 lunch. Thereâs nothing wrong with the occasional splurge, but every day when your partner is scrimping is a bit much. The final straw was when I got a part-time job, that he was against, and his sudden plans for spending âourâ extra income.Â
 I should have left sooner, i should have known better then, now I do, and am in a much better place. But the memories still sting. And, sometimes, I wish he could have been happy with how I turned out, and the life Iâve made post him. Heâd never approve, but I donât need him to anymore.
