Cydney Olwen @ashtraywritings - Tumblr Blog

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,

and, oh Lord, I went against all I believed in.

I’m hurting and I have forgotten how to live;

if I cannot forgive myself I can’t expect you to forgive.

“Thou shalt not kill” but when does life begin?

For me it began when I felt it within.

I loved him, my baby, since before he was conceived

but I hurt him despite all the things that I believed.

I did it for love and I did it for acceptance

but I know that I cannot ask for repentance

because I cannot justify or accept

that to myself and my child, I am forever in debt.

I pray to you, I’m hurting, and I know that I’ve done wrong.

But if we cannot both forgive me, I cannot live, I can’t move on.

Can you tell me, is he watching me? Are you watching me as well?

Are you hearing all the thoughts I think that I would never tell?

Does he love me, as his mother? Does he know that I love him?

Does he know I’d gladly spend my life repenting for these sins?

Does he know I never wanted this? Does he know of my regrets?

Does he know that despite the passing of time, I never will forget?

Can you both see that I have lost myself to the things that I have done?

And that I still feel like a mother even though I lost my son?

Forgive me, my son, for I have sinned,

although you and Our Father were all I believed in.

I pray he’s looking after you, better than I could.

I pray for all the bad I’ve done, you’ll see that I’ll do good.

I’m sorry that I lost you to my childish, crippling fear

and I hope, though I am hurting, you’re watching over here.

Forgive Me - Cydney Olwen

My body was a halfway house, a place of refuge for the sinners not fit to touch another but welcome within me. Not a destination, not a thing to be desired, just a half empty king-sized bed to rest their heads in when they’re tired. Unpretty and unclean, writing on the walls, dirty and chaotic and everybody’s fool. My body was a halfway house, a place of convenience, not beauty, a place of shelter but not warmth, a house but not a home. But not all criminals are criminal, not all users must be addicts. The heartbroken aren’t all heartbreakers, and you can teach an old dog new tricks. Walls can be painted and sheets can be changed. fingerprints on my skin will wash away in the rain. My body is a temple, a place of worship for your lips. Sanctuary for the repentant and those who do believe. Pure and pale and delicate, so beautifully designed. I hope that you find solace here; you gave me peace of mind. I hope I make you feel more love than you’ve ever known and I hope inside my temple you will finally be home. My body is a temple, a place of healing for the wounded, and beauty for the blinded, and pure love, reserved for you.

My Body Is A Temple - Cydney Olwen

blossomfully

Tonight, I go to bed alone. Wash my porcelain white face in my porcelain white bathroom, brush my teeth, tie back my hair climb into my bed, though you’re not there. I write you a message, same time every night “Sleep well, baby, I love you lots.” It’s harder to rest when I’m here and you’re not. The mattress is cold when you aren’t here to hold me and I wake up with a longing for your arms around me in the morning, whatever the weather but it won’t be like this forever; one day I’ll come home from work not to greet an empty bed but for you to kiss my forehead and ask me about my day. And I won’t have to plead for you to stay the night because your home will be mine and we’ll have all the time in the world to love each other and I’ll look forward to another evening going to bed with you, washing my glowing face in a glowing bathroom brushing my teeth before you brush my hair and plait it for me - you know that I’m tired and you don’t want me to wake up with it frizzy - I have a busy day ahead of me and you know I like to look my best as much as I like to rest with you in our pyjamas, playing games and getting high. I won’t be dreading our goodbyes anymore because I’ll know every morning when we depart at the door that I’ll be coming home to your open arms. Home isn’t a house where you have your own bed; it’s your chest, where I can rest my head when I’m sleepy and your hands which wipe my tears when I am weepy. It’s your voice and how it can make things real with your words, and how they can change how I feel about myself. It’s your eyes which I sometimes catch looking at me with more love than I’ve ever known. It’s having the one thing I adore the most in the world being with me, so I can finally switch off my phone. It’s the smile you give me when we first see each other after just a few hours apart and it’s the way that even after all this time loving you I’m still skipping beats in my heart. It’s the serenity I feel when we sleep hand in hand and the abundance of love for you I still can’t quite understand. Tonight, we are in bed alone just fifteen miles between us but five years from now, at the very most, we’ll still be lovers and big dreamers but we’ll be together, every night, and I’ll finally sleep okay, and maybe it won’t feel so scary facing the following day.

I’ve Found Where I Belong, Now I Just Need To Get There - Cydney Olwen

Blonde hair, tangled, all a mess, eyeliner running, only half dressed, my lipstick is all smeared because you’re kissing me as well and you know I taste like heaven even though I look like hell. Brown eyes, sleepy, revealing tears are drying, bruises healing, I’ve been smoking to get high and you can smell it on my breath and I know I give you life even though I look like death Undressing slowly, so that you can see and for the first time you give your attention to me, we’ve been wasted for two days now and it’s starting to get late but I’ll show you that I love you even though I’m full of hate. My bra is black, my skin is white, and you’ve made love to me all night and you know that you can’t leave me when I start to make you mad because you know that I am good to you even when I’m bad.

The Good Outweighs The Bad, Always - Cydney Olwen

I must have been twelve years old the first time I really felt ugly. Brown hair and spots and puppy fat my first boyfriend phoned me up and told me that he didn’t want to be with me because I was ugly and it broke me. I didn’t eat. I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to be anything but ugly. I was twelve when I started destroying myself just to love myself I was twelve years old when I first realised I was ugly and it hasn’t left me. Facial asymmetry, dark circles, acne, fat stomach, fat thighs, fat arms. Laxatives or two fingers, whatever gets it out, a habit I still haven’t kicked to this day. I’m not allowed to know how much I weigh because it would make me feel ugly but I still see it in my reflection, anywhere, I know it’s there. I hate myself for eating and I hate myself for breathing all the time because I know that my body is all mine and I should love it but I can’t and you can call me beautiful over and over and over again but we all know I will not believe you in the end.

Ugly - Cydney Olwen

I’ve fallen so hard that I’m still seeing stars whenever I see your face and my head’s not quite right and I can’t sleep at night if I’m longing for your embrace. I’m not eating or sleeping, just quietly weeping but please don’t think it’s all bad it’s just that I’m crazy for you and my days without you can sometimes make me sad. But along with frustration, I’m full of admiration and I don’t think I can look away you light a flame in me, diminish the blame in me; I hang on to each word that you say. I see the moon in the sky but I’m so mesmerised by you and the way that you are. I can’t help but stare, cannot look anywhere but at you, not even to the stars. I know I’m just a baby but I wonder if maybe you’d like to make me your own after a year of kissing you, every day missing you, and staying up late on the phone. It’s all fun and games and it’s minimal pain because I know we belong together we survive every storm and keep each other warm no matter how cold the weather. I know that you’re feeling more than you’re revealing and I know that you’re equally scared but I’m feeling that fear and I promise I’m here and I’ll follow you everywhere. It’s so late at night now, the moon is so bright now and I wish you were here by my side but you’ll be here again and the sadness will end and being yours gives me such pride.

Seeing Stars - Cydney Olwen

A cup of coffee and a pre-rolled joint left from the night before clothes scattered over the floor my hand in yours, skin to skin. You think I let you in but there’s a universe in me which you can’t see now you’re my lover and not my friend. Two people, completely bare, and yet so separate, unaware. I know I am a baby, I know you hate it when I’m crying on the bed. You know when I use my head I am wise beyond my years, but I’ve played grown up all my life and when you wipe away my tears I am a child again. It is still dark outside, and cold but we have hours, warm showers to wake up to. We have sunsets and stars and fireworks to see, together, and I know you’ll regret it if you leave. We share so much joy and laughter and I know that we might not live happily ever after but we are both here for the moment and we deserve the comfort of each other’s lips, tracing fingertips along scratches on your back. Smoke dances in the air as you stroke my hair and kiss me on the forehead. We are young, and high, and beautiful in the moonlight you are beautiful in the daylight and in the midst of a fight, too. You are starting to love me, you say, when we’re tripping 3 months of tears dripping from my eyes, scared of losing you, evaporate I will dedicate my life to making you happy no matter how much you break my heart. I promise. A bottle of whiskey and the smell of our sweat left from the early morning. Your touch sets off a fire alarm in my heart, but don’t take it as a warning. I am deafened by my love for you and blind to everybody else on the Earth it’s worth that, just to hold you. We wipe sleep from our eyes as the sun enters the sky. I would never sleep again if it meant more time to show you how grateful I am that you’re mine.

In Bed With You - Cydney Olwen

quoted-books

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light. I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

Sarah Williams, The Old Astronomer (via quoted-books)

My bedroom smells like cigarettes, my hair just like coconuts, my legs are clad with fishnets and your eyes look just like home. My blonde hair contrasts black lace and happiness radiates from my face and the hurt disappears without a trace and my sins have been atoned. My skin is white as snowflakes and my eyes will make your heart break and I know it’s getting quite late but please don’t leave me on my own. The room, it floods with moonlight and the stars are shining so bright and although this is a stolen night I feel tranquility I’ve never known. You cannot seem to avert your gaze from my body in this smoky haze and I will remember this for the rest of my days while I’m lying here, alone. My eyes begin to well with tears; I used to wish that I wasn’t here, but you’ve always been there to dismiss my fears when I call you up late on the phone. Your books lie on my nightstand and I’m reaching out for your hand and you don’t love me - I understand - but your eyes look just like home.

Home - Cydney Olwen

coffee-crinkled-pages

I’m more alive Than I’ve been for a while Or ever but Wanting to stay this way Doesn’t come easy So go easy On me. Existing is exhausting. I’ll never not be In the process of trying To get the hang of it.

M.S. (via coffee-crinkled-pages)

I fall asleep with your breath against my neck for the third time this week. I am drunk and we are stoned and it’s been a month now. I don’t know how I can do it any longer. Waking up every time your hand moves from my waist or knowing the taste of you won’t last forever on my tongue. I fell in love with you when I turned sixteen and I’m sorry that my pain came in between because if I’d been sane a year ago, I never could have let you go and maybe we would be together today instead of fucking all the time away until you think I’m strong enough to take it that you’re going. and I hate it that I can’t tell if you ever wanted this and I hate it that you can’t see that I always needed this and I hate it that you let me make you leave. I have grieved for you for twelve months knowing you’d moved on with your life and I’d been left with a knife and a bottle of pills, coughing up blood in the toilet. I love you so much that my bones ache and my chest aches and my heart breaks whenever I remember how much you can hurt me. And now we’re together but you’re not mine - “Only time will tell,” you say but every day feels like we’re missing a chance to be saved. I would get lost with you, somewhere we’ve never been a side of me you’ve never seen when I’m finally free and I’ve finally made it where I want to be in my head, in your arms, away from my past. At last, burning bridges, and memories, and starting again with you stroking my hair and me tracing your veins. Take a train with me, anywhere, and just let me ask: Things change so quickly and life ends too fast and right now, you and I, we are happy. And maybe my heart will get shattered or you’ll look back and say we never mattered but even if that’s all set in stone I would rather spend these months with you and then face the world alone, with the peace of mind that we gave it our best try. because you are the moonlight to my black satin sky and when I see your smile it always makes me want to cry because you are so perfect yet you’ll never know the beauty of your face. The human race, we think we have time to be steady or to wait until we’re ready, but we don’t and if we don’t jump now then we’ll slip away and it could last for a lifetime or it could last for a day but tell me, isn’t it worth it that we take our chances here? When we’re all over each other and you want to dry my tears? Our lives will be gone in the blink of an eye and we can’t stop ourselves from trying in the fear of a goodbye. We can’t miss out on happiness for fear of getting hurt - pain is unavoidable, impermanent and worth the days I get to spend with you before we break each other’s hearts - just because we might end doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start. I have nothing, and you don’t love me, so what is there to lose? I would rather spend the rest of my life feeling blue than never even have had the chance to have been with you.

Chance - Cydney Olwen

All that is left of you is an empty chair I wish I’d been there more often, I’m sorry. And now you’ve left her alone. She phoned everyone the moment you left us and we’re going to miss you every single day I never had the time to say the things I wanted to say to you. An empty armchair where you used to fall asleep, a bowl of sweets on the table by your side. Your knees went, then your lungs, then your mind, now you’ve left us behind and we’re lost. Fifty-four years, she loved you on paper But her love will go on for eternity. We’re all numb and we don’t know what to say without you, we can’t talk about you, really, because it breaks our hearts. We all knew it, but we never could believe the time would come for you to leave us and I’m sorry that you never had the words and we could never speak the words that showed how much you’ve always meant to us it’s breaking us that you won’t be here another Christmas, or birthday, or another New Year. We have football shirts because you didn’t like dressing smart and football is the part of you that seemed to mean the most. We are struggling to think about it, knowing that you’re gone. But we know that you’re smiling, thinking “Silly children, they knew this would happen sometime.” We’re crying, but it’s so hard to fathom that someone will be here for so long, then just not, and we walk into the living room having forgotten that you won’t be in the corner, sat in your chair.

Grampie - Cydney Olwen

blythebaird

I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: “Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.

THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird (via shroomfairy)

call-her-blessed-blog

for my grandfather, who may not be with us much longer.

original post - please do not remove caption

You are my first, last, and only love and I cannot be without you. From when you saw the scars on my arms to the cracks in my heart, you’ve been there and I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who cares as much as you do, and I love you. For what it is worth, you’re the only person I’d fight for on this godforsaken Earth. My best friend, and my saviour, and the moon in my sky. The lighter to my cigarettes, my laughter when I cry. I don’t believe in true love - neither of us do - but I think you are my soulmate; if it’s anyone, it’s you. By my side, every day, for five years through the tears, through despair, in the dark and the cold, and I’m praying that you’re still by my side even when we’re old. Not a single experience of platonic love so strong until I met you and I’ve never stuck by anyone this long. You could be halfway across the world and I’d still know you’re by my side. I could be passed out on the floor and still feel how you feel inside. There’s always space for you in my house, in my mind and in my heart no matter how little we have spoken or how long we’ve been apart. I bleed for you when you bleed, your hurt rattles in my bones I’ve never had such a connection with anyone I’ve ever known. Your heartache fills my muscles and your sadness fills my veins. And you know when my heart breaks because you see it when it rains. Billions of lonely people and eternal lonely deaths but when you go, I’m coming with you and I’ll give you my final breaths.

Thomas - Cydney Olwen

I fear crossing busy roads, and heights, dark nights. I fear drinking too much, I fear blood. I fear death. But I also fear life - I fear the morning, and the breathing, and existing. I fear listing my fears will just make me more afraid. I fear every day a little more than the last especially since you came into my life. I fear love, over living or dying. I fear your mind, I fear the butterflies, I fear goodbyes. The silence and the cold when you’re not by my side. I fear the roads full of cars and the absence of the stars without you here to protect me. I fear the pain, and the rain, and you driving me insane. I fear your hand slipping from my waist while you sleep or your coffee getting cold before you arrive. I fear the happiness in your eyes turning to tiredness. I fear the lovebites on my chest fading away, when you decide not to stay. I fear the sun will set on us before we get our first chance or our first dance. I fear the beauty I seem to radiate will evaporate before my love does I fear you’ll see my face one day and you’ll feel nothing. I fear the sun is far too bright for me to compete with even though my sights are set on you. I fear the black clouds above my head will suffocate you too. I fear I’ve offered you everything I have to give and you’ve taken and taken and you’ll leave. I fear forgetting how to breathe when you leave my bed having planted a garden of love in my lungs. I fear crossing busy roads without your hand in mine, I fear heights without you holding me close, dark nights away from you taking all my fight. I fear drinking myself to oblivion when I feel like I have lost you. I fear bleeding when I’m overtired, lovesick. I fear dying alone and empty. But I also fear living without you - I fear the morning I wake up and you’ve disappeared, and the learning to breathe without your rhythm, and existing with no one to touch. I fear listing my fears to you is far, far too much for you to hear. I fear every night I spend without you near a little more than I fear the days. You are the bright light in the sky and I’m amazed.

Fear - Cydney Olwen

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