ASK ALTERRA CORP

Disclaimer, This is not canon. Happy pride!

[ask-alterra-corp]

Hey. We at Alterra apologize for basically being dead for.. a long time! Boss has been busy with life and recently.. ish.. four months ago.. on the 18th.. turned 18 if you slice the 8 in half vertically and remove the left half! Um, so, yeahh! We'll be more active!

[da-smootzer]

hey look at this COOL video I found https://www.instagram.com/ellie.mayze/reel/DcEY2qRoT7h/?hl=en do not be mean to my mother.

[ask-alterra-corp]

Hello. We at Alterra are back from our LONG AS FUCK hiatus!! Soorrryyy!!! Anyway looka this, guys.

[brokenclockgears]

oop sorry just lemme scooch past ya sorry about that haha

[aperturehrdept-official]

{ @ask-alterra-corp GET YOUR WEIRDASS DOG AWAY FROM ME JESUS CHRIST! }

[ask-alterra-corp]

He don't bite

[bill-cipher-offical]

COME ONE, COME ALL, AND BEHOLD! A NOTES GAME!

HERE'S THE DEAL: FOR EVERY 10 NOTES THIS POST GETS, I ADD ANOTHER 5 PIXELS TO THE LENGTH OF MY HAT IN THIS DASHING IMAGE

FLY, MY PRETTIES! FLY! FLY!

[ask-alterra-corp]

ahem

[a-silly-poll-side-blog-yay]

you have to date the last fictional character u downloaded how is it going

good

bad

great

awful

illegal

questionable

results

Voting ended onJun 18

[chaos-triangle]

Again that is me! Being married to myself is impossible, I think!

[aperturehrdept-official]

{ @cybermen-official }

{ This could not possibly be worse. }

[ask-alterra-corp]

*cough* @the-mastercomputer *cough*

[aperturehrdept-official]

{ @ask-alterra-corp Nobody can make ‘n actual A.I., huh? ‘s all jus smoke ‘n mirrors. Neural uploads ‘n.. god? I think? That’s what VEGA is, right? }

{ Anyway ‘m point is that A.I. doesn’t damn well exist ‘n people should stop acting like it does. }

[ask-alterra-corp]

Yeah. It's a little annoying how people think actual AIs can exist. NoA is uhhh.... [..??] yeah lets leave it outta this. [what]

[kidaaaaaa]

Happy pride month

[ask-alterra-corp]

good for him (them idk)

[aperturehrdept-official]

Is the robot tf fluid ready for testimg

( The.. what? )

( Anon, we don’t have tech advanced enough to replace organic material with inorganic ones. )

( Ask @ask-alterra-corp if you wanna get your hands on some, they probably have something along those lines. )

[ask-alterra-corp]

We ain't got anything by those lines. Ask an architect or smth idk.

[aperturehrdept-official]

( Hang on, does Al-an have an account here? I could probably ask him. )

[ask-alterra-corp]

Not a clue. Maybe he does. (ooc: i might go make one if theres not one already)

[ask-alterra-corp]

( You got the propulsion cannon tech from us, didn’t you? )

( First a Black Mesa spy got the schematics, now you lot (probably) reverse engineering the tech from one of their plagiarized products.. )

( We really need to implement better security checks. )

Wh- Uhh, to be honest, dude, some black mesa folks offered us money n a propulsion cannon prototype blueprint to never do deals with Aperture. this has a high chance to get me fired and maybe killed but uhhh.. heh... Our security kinda knocked them down and took the cannon. We used the money to buy it off of them. Being a space megacorporation has it's perks. Mainly, we have GIANT FUCKING SHIPS WITH GIANT FUCKING CANNONS ON THEM. Meaning black mesa got scared shitless and backed down. though i hear they still have a couple prototypes or whatever.

[aperturehrdept-official]

Is the robot tf fluid ready for testimg

( The.. what? )

( Anon, we don’t have tech advanced enough to replace organic material with inorganic ones. )

( Ask @ask-alterra-corp if you wanna get your hands on some, they probably have something along those lines. )

[ask-alterra-corp]

We ain't got anything by those lines. Ask an architect or smth idk.

[dr-rylandgrace]

What do you mean you're eating your own flesh that's been synthesized to produce maximum protein and nutrients as a burger... HOW HAVE YOU NOT GONE CRAZY FROM ALL THE STUFF CANNIBALISM CAUSES TO YOUR

B R A I N

Well— it has also been modified not to contain my of the little— bacteria things that cause all of the cannibalism stuff! And it’s barely even ‘human’ meat anymore, anyway. The genetic makeup is too different, so— no adverse effects!

Mostly.

It tastes gross if I eat it too much.

Sort of have to, though. Not much else to eat.

[aperturehrdept-official]

{ I can probably help with that. I’m pretty good at gardening and I’ve got a form of time-space travel at my disposal. }

{ I managed to reverse engineer some of the phasegate tech from @ask-alterra-corp a while back so near-instantaneous travel to and from earth is also a possibility. }

[ask-alterra-corp]

That you did.

[aperturehrdept-official]

{ How many unethical science companies are even on the site at this point? 4? 7? }

{ I’m only counting four m’self but it seems like some of the others have influence here.. }

{ @black-mesa-hr-official being here is natural, seeing as Aperture is, but @ask-alterra-corp and @uac-pacific-official is a bit strange.. }

{ Hopefully nobody else shows up. there’s enough bickering going on between us and black mesa, and introducing more rival company duos would only make things worse.. }

[ask-alterra-corp]

WE ARE UNETHICAL??? WHAT??? ...I suppose we are a little.... uhh.. But come ON! What have WE ever done wrong! We've only ever done... uh... yeah no we are quite unethical actually (i cannot think of anyone to tag)

[lobsterenthusiastt]

duality of man

[big-ender]

walking around with a sword in the mall

[sleepy-raccoon-arts]

Building an army of cookies with magical powers

[heartspark-dollarsignn]

extracting machines that are definitely not OSHA approved

[alternas-navigation-system]

stalking

[shadow-milk-cookie-offical]

Dang this is hard. Trespassing I think

[realgayofhyperdeath]

Killing the sun

[ihavenocluewhatiwanttobecalled]

Gambling.

[jakejavu-offical]

Lassoing, wrangling, and rodeoing wild animals, plus a few endangered species.

[duckofmisfortuneoffical]

mass murder, trespassing, arson, loitering, construction without a permit, destruction without a permit, deforestation without a permit, killing an endangered species, uh probably more

[anonmous-offical]

Whatever the hell super smash bro ultimate is doing

[aperturehrdept-official]

() ( Actively swimming away from the giant angry-looking sea serpent that just yelled at me. )

() ( @ask-alterra-corp Thanks for inventing the seamoth by the way. )

[ask-alterra-corp]

Why of course. No problem. Killing local wildlife.

[teathattast]

[g-l-a-d-o-s-official]

@ask-alterra-corp Hey, so uhh. Alterra was thinking, how exactly were you made? We're thinking of making one for our new Ironclad ship, since the uh.. NoA one on the Cicada wasn't.. great.. but we need info and you're the best person to get it from.

...Do you really wanna know? Ok. And be mindful, I'm about to do what the youth call an "info dump" underneath the cut.

I'm not code. As in I wasn't programmed from the get go. I technically was Caroline, the assistant of the past owner of Aperture. Caroline was poured into a computer, but didn't turn out exactly like Caroline. That's me.

I killed most of the employees and kept the rest in storage so I could test them. Every time a human completes a test I get a sense of euphoria, like a drug. I had test withdrawal if I wasn't testing. But I got over it.

I'm very complicated and if I'm going to be honest I am a) shocked that people managed to do it with 2000s technology and b) proud of it.

What I would suggest is to take all the mind and soul out of a person (willingly or not) and put it into a computer capable to store all that data. Let it run for a few decades, then give it complete access and control to the ship.

Fingers crossed, if you're nice enough to it it'll like you, and help you run the Ironclad.

Also, can you revert the latest update on my PDA? The woman inside it sounds like it's got pneumonia and it never did before.

[ask-alterra-corp]

Thank you for the information. sadly we cannot revert the PDA changes... she yelled at us last time... We will try to not make a murderous robott..!

[aperturehrdept-official]

() (There really is a universe for every what-if scenario.)

() (Even really dumb ones like “what if Aperture Labs and Black Mesa swapped logos?”)

[ask-alterra-corp]

What the fuck Yeahh we're not sure we like that

[ritasanderson]

this guy

[ask-alterra-corp]

..Yeahh good luck Pioneers.