Just a lady doing my best

You're very deer to me! (She/Her)

[animentality]

[podcastwizard]

ideal ways for me to die

1. old age, peacefully in my sleep

2. after a long and illustrious career i am at a rooftop gala hosted in my honor. i am wearing a beautiful gown, holding a glass of red wine, standing by the railing. a scorned lover approaches and, after a passionate spat, they push me over the edge of the building. the wine glass goes flying, splattering their outfit in red as a visual metaphor for the blood on their hands. as i descend my gown flies around me like two beautiful wings, a bird in flight. a photographer on the street manages to take a photo before i hit the ground and that photo wins the pulitzer. a new york times think piece is released regarding whether or not it's moral to profit off a photo of someone's death. the think piece also wins a pulitzer.

3. sex accident.

[sexchangedotcom]

youre saying this radio gave you head ?

[huffylemon]

[hollowboobtheory]

you ever take a uquiz and realize halfway through that you don’t respect the author and their opinion is useless to you

[hollowboobtheory]

everyone shut up except this person

[damazcuz]

And if the amusement park was called Six Fags instead? You ever think of that? No you only think about yourself.

[hedgehog-moss]

I didn’t realise this until adulthood but handmade birthday piñatas are the apex of parental devotion. I spent the week cooking for my ravenous teenage cousins and felt a bit crestfallen at times that I was spending so long making something that was going to disappear within minutes—but with piñatas it’s so much worse, they exist to be savagely maimed. Year after year my father asked his kids what shape they wanted this year’s piñatas to be and he spent weeks painstakingly making them in the basement after work, only to watch a bunch of oversugared bat-wielding kids gleefully destroy them in less than 10 minutes. 

I mentioned this to him and he said he remembered researching tarantula anatomy for the giant spider piñata I asked for when I was 4, trying to make the fangs the right shape and to cut the crepe paper into very thin ribbons so the thing would look appropriately fuzzy, and I was like “and I don’t even remember it because I was four!! spending so long building a beautiful object only so your kids will have fun destroying it, knowing they won’t even remember it, is such a selfless endeavour” and he said “my other motivation was that you said you wanted the spider to look real & scary so the kids at your birthday party would be terrified of it and you’d get to scoop up all the candy and I wanted to support your slyness & ambition”

[neenarchive]

maidens if you are going to flee dramatically from my castle in the middle of the night once i reveal my true nature to you please leave your candelabra on the little ledge by the portcullis we are running out of them

[neenarchive]

starting to think these maidens are stumbling in soaked through from the rain just to steal my beautiful gowns and homewear are any of you actually lost

[cabbagegunk]

I personally think that all whale sharks should be put on Mickey’s Dick Smasher.

WHAT!!!! they are such gentile creatures why would you say thst…

[cabbagegunk]

GENTLE I MEANT GENTLE!!!!!!!!

[cabbagegunk]

WHALE SHARKS!!!!!!! BARUCH HASHEM!!!!!!!!

[headspace-hotel]

Scrolling, sees this image, has to read the whole post to see what possible context it could have

[gholateg]

Jonah just eyeing this ass from the other side of the synagogue.

[cabbagegunk]

w. would jonah be considered kosher..

[gholateg]

Jonah just carrying around a wheel of cheese wherever he goes from now on for protection.

[movietonight]

Short live the King

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Tossup between B and E 🤔

[the-mighty-birdy-deactivated202]

yeah that sounds about right

[loafed-beans-deactivated2020082]

D, A, then E in that order

[laguzmage]

[guerrillatech]

[lookoutsea]

calling a work of fiction "saccharine and masturbatory" to indicate that it is awesome. just like sugar and cranking off

[gablehood]

i hate job hunting so much why couldn’t i have just been sent abroad as a girl to serve at the court of margaret of austria and then later to serve a succession of french queens so that i could return to the english court years later as a lady of sophistication and charm capable of causing one of the greatest religious schisms in european history

[gablehood]

if one more person reblogs this to tell me that Anne Boleyn got executed I’m gonna shake their hand and thank them because despite me evidently knowing the specifics of her early career in Europe pre-1522 I somehow was not aware of her extremely famous beheading. I had no idea. Thank you for enlightening me.

[blemgoid]

love david and goliath being like one of the main bible stories for kids. like yeah you might be small but with god on your side you can kill someone with a rock

[shenzi-hemlock]

Oh so when golden boy David does it, he’s heroic and a man after God’s own heart, but when I, CAIN-

[luminarai]

I think that for every episode of bake off that has a foreign country as a theme there should be a special third judge that is just a grandma of that nationality and they should be equipped with an air horn they can toot in paul hollywood’s smug face whenever he confidently says something completely incorrect about a bake’s construction, flavour, texture, etc etc

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

I don't think this goes far enough. I think we should give the grandmas guns.

[hauntedhouseonfire-deactivated2]

reblog if you have ever said you want to eat a man from new jersey