I had this thought last night, which I am still trying to articulate properly, but here it is in its messy form:
Something that really bothers me in relationships is going through the process of being idealized and devalued. And I think that process is what specifically bothers me about some of my dynamics with J?
Last night I was getting a little sad, because I really do think she understands something about me that is rare for others to understand. We are both eerily similiar in someways, we are both artists (in semi-different ways) and we are both going into the helping profession. It would objectively be very cool to be friends with someone who is similar in those respects.
AND I think we are fundamentally different, something we could both acknowledge. We had this conversation a while ago, about what we choose to do with the idea that people in hospitals did care about us. J something to the effect (might not be getting this exactly right) about needing to let go of it, or that it didn't really matter. At least, that's the place she was in at the time. I said that I held onto that love, that it mattered to me, that I needed to believe in it in order to survive. If I could name the difference it would be that: I needed to believe in the love, she didn't.
But I think something else that differs within us is how we choose to cope with our vision of each other after conflict. I have always maintained that J is so many things at once: she was abusive, she was earnest, she was cruel, she was talented and smart and insightful. I simply think J is a fundamentally difficult personality -- something many have come to agree with me on.
Whereas, she instantly jumps to devaluing me. It's Lis never understood me at all. I may have hurt Lis, but I took accountability (has never apologized btw) and besides, she hurt me even more. Mind you, days before these sentiments were uttered, she was telling me over text that I was the only one who could possibly understand.
It feels like in spite of my anger, I am able to hold onto J's inherent worth as a person and her complexity. And from years of seeing how she speaks about me online -- it doesn't seem like she can do the same for me. Which leads me to a decision to be incredibly anger-forwards whenever I speak about her. Because everytime I try to be kind or nuanced, she will takes advantage of it. She will not be kind to me the way I have tried to be kind to her.
Anyways, I was thinking about all of this because I am doing some more longform writing, and I was thinking about her and briefly sent some vibes into the universe that she was okay. And then I rolled my eyes and remembered that she has not been kind to me. And then I tried to hold onto my capacity for softness, even if I will never receive the same nuance or thoughtfulness back.
So yeah. TLDR: I do not like being idealized and devalued.
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
