Redesigning Insanity

What you'll see here is mostly art and other random bullshit. I take requests here and there. Beware; I post fanart too!

[atrueparadox]

I don’t get it?

Why treat the person who does everything for you, like trash? I have apparently wasted my early adulthood taking care of you. I didn't have to do that. I could have saved my money and moved out a year after graduating. I didn’t. I saved my money, continue to do so, and take care of you in nearly all of my spare time. Yet you still treat me like garbage when I ask for simple things. Like turning something down so I can hear something else. If you’re going to blow up over a simple request... Get your own meals, your own laundry, your own pills, and do your own errands by any means necessary. I won’t be using my time to fetch you things, using my car to go places for you, wasting my prime years of my early life as an adult on someone who doesn’t deserve it. At one point you did, but that has been long gone.  I’m more than a caretaker. I have dreams to chase and secure as my actual life. I have someone I’m sure out there for me, that I just haven’t been able to meet because of these current circumstances. I refuse to be held back and treated like garbage when I’m so much more than what you see and know.

[atrueparadox]

Entitlement to Someone’s Life.

Why is it that we feel bad for the people who tried to help or change someone, but never feel bad for the people that apparently weren’t good enough?

What if that person you think needs help, is fine? What if that person walking a different path, isn’t lost? Yet here you are, the savior. Trying to fix something that isn’t broken. Trying to force someone to fit your square box, when they have a triangle one. Here you are taking someone who would be perfect to other people, and making them think they’re broken and messed up. Making them feel frustrated and stressed.

You are doing this for no reason other than your own ego ride and victim status. For control over someone else’s life. This is all for you to sob in their face when they tell you to stop. All for you to scream and kick, while abandoning them.. For just being who they are and getting frustrated when you degrade them for it.

Yes. You’re such a great person, aren’t you? Poor you.

[atrueparadox]

Acceptance

I just made a ramble post about forgiveness. Now I’d like to make a post about acceptance. Acceptance and forgiveness are two different things that go hand in hand, usually. You accept and then forgive. However, there are some moments were you can only accept a situation. This is all that is needed to move forward, solo style. Like in my situation, where I’m not looking to reconnect with my ex. Therefore, there isn’t a reason for forgiveness. (I explained it more in the previous post.)

There is acceptance though. Like. I accept the fact that all of this happened. From the friendship, to the relationship. From what I gave, to what was eventually curb stomped. in short, I’ve accepted all of the crazy shit that has happened. That’s enough for me. Why come so close to forgiveness then? Because, while acceptance is one step to forgiveness... forgiveness itself is a whole other thing. I can accept that all that shit happened, but I can’t forgive that it did.

I guess I have to go into a shortened, but more detailed version of why I won’t forgive. That way, none of you will have to read through a ramble. I can’t forgive her because she knows that what she did and said was stupid and wrong.. but she still can’t find an apology. It wouldn’t make a huge difference, but it would at least let me know that there is some remorse and regret for the right reasons. Instead, I see just regret due to losing attention and ass pats with the lack of even an acknowledgement of what happened. I bet if I were to bring it up myself, she will drop the nice act and say she was right for saying what she said. That is why I can’t forgive. However, I clearly can accept it as the reality.. Otherwise I wouldn’t have just said all of that lol. 

That’s acceptance. Me making these posts are also a form of moving forward. I hardly think of her outside of being triggered by certain things.. I mean it’s just been 3 months and she’s come back around a few times since then. I see myself in a much different place in another 3 months.

[atrueparadox]

Forgiveness

I keep hearing to heal, you have to forgive. To me, I only half agree. If you plan on someone staying in your life, you have to forgive them in some regard. It’s the only way to move forward. However, if it’s best someone stays out of your life.. the margin for forgiveness is usually non-existent in my life. It’s not because I’m not moving forward, or because I’m harboring negative emotions.. It’s because once I forgive someone, I excuse and look past what they have done so peace can be reached again. It’s so we can both move forward. Actions are not forgotten, don’t get it twisted.. but idk. That’s just when and how I forgive people. 

In the situation I’ve been presented with, and have shared a number of times on here in hopes to help someone out.. I can’t find myself forgiving my ex. Out of the years that I gave to this person as a close friend. In the countless hours I spent, without even physically meeting them.. I gave my all in the friendship and relationship. All of that time and all of those moments were shat on by the very person that got it all. All of that was thrown away because a skype call was ended for a few minutes. I was then personally attacked afterwards, to the point where I would have called it verbal abuse. I realize now of course I was abused on and off over the years. Taken advantage of. I am better off without that person, but it still baffles my mind that all of what I had done had been tossed aside like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. THAT is why I can’t forgive. I can’t excuse any of it. I can’t just look past it. I don’t want that person to think for one second that they are excused for doing and saying what they did. None of what they said and did was called for. It was appalling. I will repeat that I can’t and won’t forgive her. I have no real reason to.

Same time next year, I doubt I’ll be mentioning this. I doubt I’ll even think about her in even just a few more months. I already don’t aside from trigger moments that lead to these posts. There’s no point in forgiving someone who has done damage.. but there is a point in forgetting as much of them as is possible.

[atrueparadox]

The Weather

So I just woke up from a shitty night of sleep, it’s actually warm out. It’s January, and it’s warm. Like as in I live in New England.. it’s not even 8:30am, and it’s already 50F outside. Compare this to the previous weather we’ve been having.. like temps not getting to even 20-25F most days, and just last week a bomb cyclone snow storm rolling through.. Something is fucked up with the weather. It’s going to reach near fucking 60F today. In January. In the north. While it’s nice to not be wrapped in several layers, it kind of scares me. My corner of existence experienced what climate change will look like. The flooding that took place just last week was insane. It was on a level we haven’t seen in most areas. I’m sure if you live in the US, you have seen just some of the pictures from that. What’s even more freighting is the fact that temps will be dropping back down after tomorrow. The rate that the temps are climbing and falling are alarming, especially as storms pop up and demonstrate what that does to weather systems... As showcased last week. 

This is just a glimpse of our future. The insane and unstable temps. The super storms that form because of it. Huge drought and wild fires. Huge floods and land slides. Oceans eroding beaches and flooding roads, parking lots, homes and businesses... All of that is happening now. Right now. Yet climate change isn’t real? I’d rather be one of the few that believes climate change, than one of the many who don’t. I don’t care if I’m called stupid. I’d rather take the label of stupid, while fully knowing what's going on.. than be called a fool later on because I have no idea why anything is happening. 

[atrueparadox]

“Memoir of Garbage Pt 5?”

(yes I stuck with this name)

So, I’ve done more reflecting as the new year is now here. Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about my ex again. I only spoke about her once, right after it happened. I didn’t deem it necessary to bring it up again since I seemed to have figured everything out and moved forward. However, ever since my ex started popping up again, it’s been harder for me to comprehend why she is. I mean first of all, she was the one to tell me how horrible I was. Second of all, she told me to fuck off. I did that, and I still am fucking off. 

My therapist told me it sounds like my ex has BPD (borderline personality disorder). She told me that while I shouldn’t demonize her, I also shouldn’t excuse her behaviors. The reason being was that my ex was seeing a therapist the last time we actually spoke. My therapist told me that BPD is fairly easy to diagnose these days, so if her therapist hasn’t diagnosed her yet (3 months into their sessions).. then she’d be shocked to call that therapist credible. I took that bit with a grain of salt. My ex was the Queen of Manipulation (one of the key characteristics of someone with BPD). She can come off however she chooses to at any given day to fit her current needs. Just like how she is trying to come of friendly after calling me a sociopathic, psychopathic, selfish, narcissist.

My therapist commented on that. She said that BPD people tend to have a real fear of abandonment. Even though my ex was the one that ultimately pushed me away, it has become apparent that I was one of the only important people in her life. That feeling of being alone or abandoned has set in, and she is now trying to fix everything with a front of kindness. My therapist told me it’s up to me to decide if I’m going to talk to her again, but she advises to keep a large distance between us.

In short, she said that someone with BPD isn’t a bad person in most cases, but in some instances they can be. She said in this case, my ex really needs help as far as building relationships goes. She worries for the next person my ex ends up dating, as they will most likely be subjected to the same abuse I was. BPD people tend to want heaps and heaps of love and attention, and when they don’t get enough, they melt down. It can create a very miserable relationship for most normal folk. It just makes me realize that something really is seriously wrong with this girl. I want to help, but I know I can’t and shouldn’t. That is the only reason why I won’t look back. I don’t owe her anything else.

[atrueparadox]

Update 9000

God. I really need to title this as a series by this point. “A Memoir of Garbage” Rolls right off the good’ol tongue. Anyway, my ex contacted me again after a few days of sweet, sweet silence. I know I should block her, but I know she’ll find a way around that. The reason why I know this is because I realized that in order to even tell if I’m online in SecondLife.. you have to basically stalk me. If we aren’t friends, there is no way you will be notified to me logging on. UNLESS, you search my name, open an IM session up, and wait. It seems more than just some weird quinkydink that she IMs me right when I sign in. It’s such a huge red flag when an ex does this kind of thing. I advise ignoring them. I’d include block them as an added suggestion, but like I said, she will find a way around it. If you’re psycho enough to stalk me, you’re psycho enough to make another account. 

Anyway, nothing new has really happened. She wants me to hang out with her, like nothing happened. Yet another red flag thrown into the ring. If your ex is acting like nothing has happened between you two, like the words they said didn’t harm you.. Again. Ignore them. Don’t let the fucker close again. They don’t regret a word they said. They just regret losing your attention. You’ll just end up repeating the past again because no lesson was learned on their end.. and at that point; your end as well. In every attempt to interact with me, she’s only bragged about trivial things in life. Mostly about having a load of friends. Not once has she showed any interest in my side of things. This is also a red flag. If your ex is only contacting you to brag, they’re trying to make you feel inferior in some manner. They have a twisted notion that you’re beneath them. That you haven’t moved forward in life. Keep walking and don’t respond to that. 

If I keep getting contacted by her, I will be forced to put my foot down. This is 1000% acceptable, but remember to not go down on their level. Keep it as classy, short, and to the point as you can. Let them know that you aren’t a doormat and that you don’t have room for toxic people in your life.

An example of something I’d send is:

“You miss my attention. You miss being able to use me whenever you wanted to. You don't miss who I am as a person, because you never valued me in that regard. It was “never about” me, as you stated in one of our arguments. That was made clear with the fact that what happened was due to me hanging up a call for a few minutes while I finished something. If it was that easy to toss years of friendship into a pit of fire.. then there really isn't anything to salvage on my end. I have no reason to want to. I'm happy and free, I'd like to keep it that way.”

It sums up everything that I have taken note of, everything I feel, and everything that I want from this. There’s no gaps to keep her coming back. That is what you should look to do if you run into a situation like mine. Ignore them until you have no other choice but to respond. When you respond, keep your cool. State the facts of what you’ve seen. Say it in a tone that conveys your feelings, and leave it with no gaps open. Making it very clear that the relationship/friendship has been destroyed with no reason to be salvaged. At this point, if they still contact you.. a block is the only thing left. Though be warned. If they’re nuts enough to stalk you and keep contacting you even after a message like the above is sent.. I don’t guarantee that will be the last time you hear from them. 

[atrueparadox]

Cringe. I’m back.

The Sega continues. 

I didn’t think I’d be back with an update this soon, but Jesus Christ on a tricycle... My life never stops throwing me to the wolves. If you are just tuning into this crap; it’s about an ex and my journey with THAT. 

Tonight she contacted me. She contacted me and acted like nothing horrible had happened previously. I get the whole moving on thing, I’ve done it (or tried to since she keeps finding me).. but you can’t tell me I’m a sociopathic, narcissistic, selfish monster of a person that needs help. That also needs to leave you the fuck alone... All because I came out as gay. I mean that’s what it boiled down to, that was what was said. I had no say after that and was forced to say shit in a skype text instead, with no response. What I sent, I meant.. but I also left out so much more because of the place I was in mentally at that point... I’m in a better place now.. and I can see everything for what it is. The fact that she contacted me after all of that, like I wasn’t hurt by anything. That she felt no apology was needed to start off the convo.. shows me she has spent no time reflecting upon anything. She has no regret or remorse. It’s not going to lead to anything better than what it was because of that. 

You told me to leave you the fuck alone and I plan on doing that, even if you no longer want me to. 

[atrueparadox]

ffs

I already posted a while ago about what I was going through with a nasty break-up. I wasn’t going to post anything again about the break-up because I was over it for a couple of months now.. but since I’m me, it reared its head again a week and a half ago. By it, I mean my ex. I’ve been trying to comprehend what is going on. I’ve been trying to not get mad and message them. I’ve been trying to not freak out and leave the things I enjoy behind.. but I don’t understand why she came back around.. or why I would have to stop enjoying my time on the internet. That does make me at least annoyed. It does freak me out, because I don’t have some kind of control.. And I need to just vent about it because of that. 

I guess this is going to be a small journaling series at this point.. Following me and how I am dealing with a bad break-up, the stages after it, and a crazy-ex. Anyway, for those that are new. Hi. Sorry.. not really, maybe lol. I try to post art, but yeah. Been going through some shit. I went through I break-up at the end of October, I think a couple of weeks before Halloween. I could be wrong since time flies and so does my memory of something I’d rather forget.. I did the breaking up for a couple of reasons. The first being that I realized I’m not Pansexual. I lean way more into just the gay side of things. Dating a girl, you can see where I’m going with this lol. The other reason being was that I realized that I was being manipulated, used, abused, and just disregarded. Sure, there were days or even weeks that were great, but that doesn’t overpower the days I felt trapped, suffocated, downgraded, or depressed. In short, I’ll just tell you this. Whenever there was an argument (takes two to tango, right?), she could tell me how she felt. If she was hurt by anything I said or did etc.. Whenever I would try to do the same so we could come together and fix the problem.. I would be told “it’s not about you.” That’s just some of the shit I had to put up with.. but I think that speaks volumes about our real dynamic..and sheds light on why I had to end it (aside from the gay bit). 

Ok, so now that the little intro to this is taken care of.. we can skip to recent events. I use SecondLife. It’s fun w/e. I also have a small job hosting at a venue there. I’ve become quite friendly with the owner and other staff.. it’s great. I haven’t seen or heard about my ex (who also uses the site) since our last interaction, which was one sided btw (shocker. I know). Apparently my ex had been to that venue I work at. She knows I does. She knows I go there regularly. I was told by her to leave her “the fuck alone”.. Three months later, she’s up in my turf? I mean if she’s as spiteful and vindictive as she has shown.. I guess it would’ve only been a matter of time.. but what do I do? I don’t feel like even seeing her avatar, let alone having to interact with her. I also just don’t understand the actual reason... Too much spare time? I mean, I really haven’t thought about her in over a month. I wouldn’t even think to crash in on places she goes to.. not that I have time to waste in the first place, but still. Why the fuck?

[atrueparadox]

Hopefully It Helps?

I have always thought of myself as Bi when I was younger and aware of different things in life. In recent years I thought of myself as Pan. Sometimes I was attracted to one thing of another, but I thought that to be normal.. But as of late, it’s only been men. Ok, so I’m gay. Gay as fuck. I’ve accepted this as of a few weeks ago. Not that being queer in general was foreign to me.. clearly, but being specifically gay sort of is. Not to mention I’ve never exactly come out before. Anyway. There is a point to this. A very very long point (I apologize in advance for the novel).

I have been in an on and off relationship with a girl (technically woman, but I’ll specify in a bit) for years. This made things a bit more complicated for sure. In the end, I realized it is possible to love someone regardless of their gender (duh).. That’s where I was hung up, because as far as being sexy and what not with the girl.. it was difficult 90% of the time. By no means is that her fault (to any female reading this going through something similar), she was beautiful and everything a Bi or Cis man would BEG for. We went through hell and back together. Were there for each other. The whole shebang. Recently we have both been going through dark times. Mine was depression and mixed up feelings (clearly). Hers were a series of shitty events followed by depression and anxiety. Again, we were there for each other per usual. Unfortunately, me coming out ended up being right in the middle of all this. Shitty timing, but it was part of some of the issues. Plus, I can’t just NOT say anything. That would make it worse. 

So I came out about a couple weeks ago to her, when I was SURE that I was gay. Since then, she has saddled me with all of her problems as if I was the reason why everything was so bad. Don’t get me wrong, I get that finding out someone is gay is hard.. let alone someone you have been in a relationship with is gay.. But to blame them for everything wrong in your life AFTER they come out is a bit ridiculous. Not to mention the threats of suicide that followed all of this. I caused pain by coming out as gay, and as I said I take responsibility for that. I however, didn’t cause previous events and their outcomes. You might not be able to control events, but you can always control the outcomes.. that is always on you. Anyway, me being me, I took on ALL of that. I took responsibility for being gay and the pain I had caused her by coming out.. and I also took responsibility for everything else I didn’t (nor shouldn’t have) had to. Just so things would be easier on her. We went for a while without talking after she told me she didn’t want me around in her life the first time around, despite always being there for the past 5-6 years, I agreed and gave her space. That was fine, hard but fine. I would learn to accept that and move forward. Last week she came back around and I was happy because I did miss her. We were fine for days. Laughing, watching movies, chilling. Well aware of things still “healing”, but we were good. Apparently we were not as good as she made it seem. Apparently everything was horrible, including who I was. 

Before I get into this particular part, I will say that I have ALWAYS thought of her as a beautiful soul. Someone that was just a delight to be around. Someone very special. I had always been honest about that. About everything. I mean, why else would I have come out if I wasn’t an honest man? I say all this because that has all since faded away. My opinion of her. I say that because it takes so much for me to think badly of someone that used to be everything that I just mentioned. I now see her as a vindictive, hateful, jealous person. Stuck in her own mess and oh so willing to pin it on whoever is convenient. I don’t view her as a woman. I don’t view her as a person I’d like around me.. I can’t anymore. Not after all that I’ve had to put up with since me coming out. Some of it I get, but there’s a lot of things I can’t understand because they make no logical sense to me. The night this all changed was a night she was drinking. Her music was very loud, and I was doing something where I had to hear what was going on. I had asked her to turn the music down, but got no answer. I ended up hanging up, with the intention of calling her back in a few minutes... This one small action ended up having her say vile things about me, to me. Things I never would think would come from her. Things that were the total opposite of what she said to me just nights before...and for years before that. Calling me a sociopathic, selfish asshole that needs to get my life together.. is just putting things nicely. Before I could respond, she hung up on me. Of course I had since responded via text, waited a day, and then blocked her when there was no answer. 

All of this happened because I came out. All of this happened because along my new journey, she realized I no longer was there 24/7. She realized I had my own life to live, and that not all of my time was hers. Me coming out, and this realization had left her feeling alone and hateful towards me, even though I made sure to still include her in my next chapter in life. I accept that hate, but at the same time.. I don’t fully grasp why it had to come down to that. I suppose I was just used all along by a true sociopath? I only say that because if all of those horrible things she said was the actual truth for a while now, then she was just saying good things to keep me around. Things can never go back to a friendly state because of this. Because she used me as coming out as an excuse to shove her individual problems on my shoulders as if I were responsible for that too, and because she decided to be vindictive, hateful, and deceitful. 

My point is; if you have gone through anything similar.. I get you. You’ve done nothing wrong. You were honest and brave to come out. If someone behaves like this, they are just toxic. They don’t care about the journey you now have to face in life, possibly alone. And. If you have found yourself being just like the female in this post.. shame on you. Don’t you EVER use someone. The second you abandon a friend because of your hate filled life that blinds you.. know that the person you abandon will do better in a matter of days once they come to the very conclusion I have. 

I always remember those who abandon me, who have been bad to me, who have done wrong.. so I can use them as a reminder of why I am the way I am. Why I will never be disloyal. Why I will never be deceitful. Why I never will do harm on purpose. Why I will never surrender. I am Paradox. I am Chris. I am loyal. I am honest. I am a good friend. A decent son and brother. I am gay. I am happy. I am me. If you don’ t like it, others will. Some day, I’m sure someone will love it too. 

Be strong. Don’t give in. Fuck people like this girl. 

[atrueparadox]

Work doodles. I know, I know.. they're a bit messy and the hair is wonky. Shhhh >~>

[atrueparadox]

Moreee

More Kingsman shite is on the waaaay. And yes, I'm going to colour the pictures I posted a few days back.

[atrueparadox]

Late night doodle. Hyped for Golden Circle

[astral-glass]

I can’t say this enough but

This community is full of so many amazing people

So many artists, writers, modelers, and creative minds. So many wonderful supporters, consumers, and players. This fandom may have its conflicts and flaws, but everyday I am reminded how incredible everyone is here As many of you know, the tf2 fandom has hit a dark era; may it be the lack of new content or the arrival of overwatch, our community has lost many. For you folks out there who refuse to leave this game behind, who still make content, who remain with the family, I thank you. Bless you all. 

[atrueparadox]

People do realize that yelling at someone/something isn't going to fix the problem you're having, right? I have been having problems with one guy, all season at work.. He thinks he's always right, and has said that twice, so I'm not exaggerating at all. He bitches about everything and everyone, lacks any sympathy. I've started looking into other local jobs because it's getting ridiculous. I'm not getting paid enough to watch a grown man have meltdowns over normal shit that happens in life working at a restaurant. I'm not getting paid enough for the physical and mental pain I deal with every week. And I'm not getting paid enough in general. $11/hr? Yeah sorry, I can't pay bills and survive off of $160-230 a week.

[atrueparadox]

[atrueparadox]