The Secret Sadism of Dragon Tales
Recently, I wrote about the horrifying soap opera origins of Dinosaur Train. It was easy to do this, since my son watches two episodes a day, and we are currently on the second (of what will certainly prove to be MANY) cycles through the series.
Every once in a while though, when we’re allowed to take a break from “The Train,” he has us turn to another PBS cartoon called Dragon Tales.
Dragon Tales, for those who don’t know, tells the story of two siblings named Max and Emmy. One day, they apparently find a dragon scale, and figure out that if they both touch it and recite a poem at the same time, the dragon gods living in their wallpaper will grant them the ability to travel to a magical land where they can interact with their dragon friends, learn a valuable lesson, and then return home in time to share a terrible joke with one another that ends the episode.
I can certainly understand the allure of this show. Kids love dragons (my son JUST THIS MORNING told me that he wanted to turn into one when he grows up), and how awesome would it be if there was a special Dragon Land where they could play amongst them?
However, there are a few aspects of THIS PARTICULAR Dragon Land that would cause me to pass that magical scale off onto someone I hate. For example:
1. Dragon Land is a Horrible Place - The land that Max and Emmy visit twice every half hour looks pristine and bucolic, but actually contains horrors that would make Dante blush. In one episode, the gang finds themselves on the grounds of a castle that they can never leave, for reasons never made clear. In another, they must rush to finish a tree house before a cloud rains sticky, purple goo all over them. There are “furies” hidden in flowers, and rampaging sleeping giants that can be woken up with a short argument. Dragon Land is a nightmarish hell hole, where every step could be your last. But friendship is about relation, not location, right? This brings me to my second point:
2. The Dragons in Dragon Land are Completely Unlikeable - There are several dragons that Max and Emmy see every time they visit Dragon Land, and each one is more unpleasant than the last.
CASSIE: Small, shy, insecure, wimpy
ORD: Big, selfish lummox who can’t stop thinking about his own appetites.
Zak and Weezie: Two-headed dragon. One is pathetic, the other is a shrew. I pity them.
QUETZAL: The elderly father figure. Magical. Complete piece of shit.
Why do I pity Zak and Weezie while hating Quetzal so much? Because of:
3. The Magic in Dragon Land is Hoarded - During one episode, Zak and Weezie piss each other off (and how could they not, given that they are a male and female dragon sharing the same body). Quetzal pulls out two magical stones, and tells them to each take one, rub them together, and recite a simple poem. One flash of light later…and they are separated.
Are you KIDDING me? Those two poor souls were conjoined from birth, doomed to never know a single moment’s peace and quiet in a body they can call their own, and Quetzal could have granted them independence at any time he wanted with no pain or danger involved? What kind of a perverse ego-maniacal misanthrope would keep such a miracle a secret? How could he LIVE with himself?
Anyway…
Whenever my son turns on this show, he seems to see a pleasant diversion featuring his favorite mythical creatures. Little does he see the horror beneath the surface…
