Conversations With Leo

Chronicling the transformation of an immature boy into a reluctant man. And the funny things his son says.

[conversationswithleo]

I’ve been creating word scrambles for my 10yo daughter and her friends to do at lunchtime. The other day, they pranked me by making one for me filled with impossibly spelled names of soccer players, so yesterday, I responded with this tongue-in-cheek puzzle.

But fellow parents, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and Your Honor, PLEASE believe me when I assure you that the first answer was supposed to be BOWLING…

[conversationswithleo]

Whenever my wife has evening conflicts, I miss her dearly…but maybe no time more so than tonight, when our kids spent a large portion of dinner trying to calculate the exact time they were conceived.

[conversationswithleo]

Sometimes, the funniest possible thing you can do as a parent is stay quiet.

A while back, I was in the car with my 9yo son, without saying anything. Here’s how he chose to break the silence:

LEO: Hey Dad…let me tell you something about girls.

ME: Please!

LEO: If you let them lick it, they’re going to want to touch it. If you let them touch it, they’re going to want to hold it. And if you let them hold it, they’re NEVER going to want to let it go.

ME: …

LEO: …

ME: What…are you talking about Bud?

LEO (Like I’m an idiot) Lollipops.

I’m telling you, if I had a million writers working for a million years, I don’t think I’d ever come up with a bit that good.

[conversationswithleo]

Masters and Johnson...and Watterson?

As a parent, you quickly get used to the fact that you will be called upon to answer a quabillion questions every day, on a vast array of topics.

However, when things turn toward the sensitive, it’s a good idea to make it VERY clear what’s being asked.

The other night, my wife came downstairs from putting Leo to bed and announced that I needed to have the “birds and the bees” talk with him. When I asked why, she informed me that he asked her to go to the library, and get a book about “what happens when men and women get married.” Yeesh.

The next morning, while walking him to school, I decided to handle this request, with a little reconnaissance work beforehand. This was the exchange that followed:

ME: Leo...Mommy told me that you wanted to get a book about what men and women do when they get married?

LEO: Yeah.

ME: Okay. I’ll answer any questions you have, but can you tell me first...did you hear kids at school talking about this?

LEO: No.

ME: Oh. Then...what made you want to know about these things?

LEO: Calvin and Hobbes.

(Pause)

ME: What?

LEO: Do you remember the Calvin and Hobbes comic where Calvin’s dad answers a question, and said he learned it in the book guys get when they become fathers? I want to get THAT book.

ME: Oh thank God.

Leo spent the rest of the morning disappointed that this book was only a joke, and not real. But in the grand scheme of things, disappointed is a huge improvement over traumatized, so I think he came out okay.

[conversationswithleo]

The Adaptable Manipulation of “Threenagers”

There are people in this world who thrive at getting others to do their bidding, transitioning from one tactic to the next until they get what they want.

I used to call these people “sociopaths.” After this weekend, I’m adding another term to the list: “Three-year-olds.”

Recently, Sally has become obsessed with swimming. Every other day or so, she gets it into her head that she wants to go, and she will ask every ninety seconds from that point forward, usually in a whiny, needling voice. This approach has middling success.

The other night, I heard her laughing in her sleep. This is unusual to say the least, so even though I knew the chances were almost nil that she’d remember, I decided to ask her about it, leading to the following exchange:

ME: Sally, do you know what sound you were making in your sleep last night?

SALLY (Not understanding the question): (Laughs)

ME: That’s right! You were laughing! Do you remember why?

SALLY (Clearly not remembering any of this): Yes.

ME (Skeptical but amused): Oh yeah? Why?

SALLY: Because I was happy, Daddy!

ME: Why were you happy?

SALLY: Because I knew I was going to wake up, and you were going to take me swimming!

ME: ...

SALLY: CAN we go swimming today, Daddy?

ME: YOU’RE THREE!!!

Clearly, it is up to my wife and me to teach her that these types of tactics don’t work. And we’ll begin as soon as I get all this pool water out of my ears...

[conversationswithleo]

What Kind of Egg are We Talking About Here?

From the time Leo was three, one of his favorite games was “The Egg Game,” where he’d pretend to hatch from an egg and make us guess what sort of creature he was. 

Now, Sally is three, and playing the Egg Game herself. And while she is content to lean on her older brother’s passions for inspiration (just this morning, she hatched as “a Skylander”), the fact that she’s playing at all has led Leo to want to join into his old game once more.

And when a kid with a relatively advanced vocabulary plays a toddler’s game, it can lead to some funny moments to be sure.

This morning, Leo was basically leading me through a narrative in real time, doing something (suddenly saying “what?”) and then telling me what my “take” should be (Daddy...you’re AMAZED that I just said a word after hatching from my egg!”)

At some point, he got lost in the plot, saying things “in character” that his character couldn’t have known based on what he had said one minute prior. When I asked him about one discrepancy or another, we had the following exchange:

ME: Wait...how could you know that if you just hatched out of your egg?

LEO: Oh...well...I just HATCHED from my egg, but I’ve been inside it for years, listening.

ME: I see. I didn’t know creatures did that.

LEO: Oh yeah, they do. I’ve been ready to go from the moment I got laid!

(Pause)

ME: Well THAT rings true at least...

Sometimes, you need to play along with your kids’ games to be considered a “good parent.” But on other times, all you have to do, against all odds, is to keep a straight face.

[conversationswithleo]

Leo Trump(s) Clinton

Today, my son informed me that, in addition to being an inventor, he would also like to become President when he grows up. As of right now, he has some strikes against him: 1. His foreign policy in regard to BOTH foreigners and enemy countries (he would "make them our friends") will be a hard sell for both the pro-military and anti-immigration crowds. 2. His stance on poverty will be equally problematic to the small-government right ("If people need money, I'll give it to them...") AND the progressive left ("...AFTER we search their homes to make sure they're not HIDING any.") 3. His policy on jobs is blue-sky at best, hopelessly implausible at worst ("I'll build a factory next to the White House that makes money, and then sends the money through clear plastic tubes to the bank."). 4. As of November 8th, he will still be, according to the Constitution, 28 years too young to hold office. Having said all that...IF I could get him on the ballot next week, and given the current state of civil and political discourse...how do you think he'd do?

[conversationswithleo]

Timing Trumps Rhyming

Comedians spend their entire lives perfecting the elusive and indefinable trait known as “timing,” as an extra second here or there can destroy a joke, or even an act.

How frustrating then that kids can absolutely CRUSH the comic timing of a bit, completely by accident.

Where I live, today is a school holiday called “Primary Day,” intended to allow people to do their civic duties. This morning, with both my six-year-old son AND three-year-old daughter hanging out in bed with us, Sally asked me to make up a song about Leo. Never one to give up a chance to do something silly, I took the bait, and this was the exchange that followed:

ME (Singing): LEO IS MY FAVORITE BOY...AND SKYLANDERS ARE HIS FAVORITE...

LEO: TOY!

SALLY: More, Daddy!

ME (Singing): IT’S WARM SO LEO WON’T WEAR A COAT...WHEN WE HEAD OUT TODAY TO...

LEO: VOTE!

SALLY: More, Daddy!

ME (Singing, and deciding to be weird): LEO DOES NOT OWN AN OSTRICH...HIS MIDDLE NAME’S “ALAN,” IT ISN’T...

(Pause)

LEO: ...VOTE!

ME: WELL played!

I didn’t know WHAT he was going to say...but nonetheless, he surpassed my highest expectations.

[conversationswithleo]

Divine Science

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that religion is a controversial topic. For years, I have had reservations about organized religion, and (more to the point), the terrible things that get done, from all sides, in its name. As a father, I have been prepared for years to have to field questions from my almost seven-year-old son about this sort of stuff.

However, I was NOT prepared for what happened yesterday.

The family went for a walk in the morning, and we stepped outside to see that it had just stopped raining. This was the conversation that followed:

LEO: I wonder why God was crying.

(Pause)

ME (Legitimately flabbergasted): Do...do you really think that’s what rain is?

LEO (Like it’s obvious): Yeah, rain is God’s tears.

ME: (Stunned silence)

LEO: I mean, I know it’s condensed water vapor, but it’s ALSO God’s tears.

ME: I...see.

And with that, I was relieved. All this time, I worried how Leo would deal with the often combative relationship between faith and science. But it turns out, they’re one and the same thing!

[conversationswithleo]

Just Like Always...

My wife and I were married twelve years ago today. To celebrate, we stayed up late* getting all hot and bothered**, spent the night doing what comes naturally***, then stayed in bed**** extra late***** this morning. Happy Anniversary, Babe! *Until 11:30pm **Watching "The Big Short" on Netflix ***Worrying about our kids falling out of bed ****With our daughter in between us *****Until 8:00am

[conversationswithleo]

Why’d You Phrase it Like THAT?

When kids are little, they go through an extended and fascinating phase where they actively work to make sense of the world, asking clarifying questions along the way. It’s mostly an adorable process.

But sometimes, it’s nothing short of horrifying.

The other night, we were attempting to arrange a picnic dinner with one of Leo’s friends, but it fell through. My freshly-minted three-year-old was clearly thinking very hard about this at dinner, and this was the exchange that followed:

SALLY: Where’s Jessica?

ME: Jessica can’t come over tonight. She’s having dinner with her grandparents.

SALLY: Oh.

(Pause)

SALLY: Jessica doesn’t have ANY penises!

(Pause)

ME: Let’s hope not!

Maybe it’s just the being a father of a daughter thing, but I can’t think of a single circumstance where the opposite of that sentence would be a good thing...

[conversationswithleo]

Delusions of Pander

When you live with a six-year-old child, there are lots of instances where communication breaks down. Sometimes, this is due to their imperfect grasp of the language, combined with your inability to effectively communicate complex concepts.

However, there are OTHER times where this is due to their being completely unplugged from reality.

My son these days has developed an incredible look and gasp for when he feels he’s being unjustly burdened. I received both at once the other day when I asked him to pick up the toys he’d thrown on the floor in his room. After dropping his jaw and shouting “BY MYSELF??” he started to begrudgingly do the work while shooting me dirty looks. When I sternly reminded him that he was only correcting the damage he himself had done, he informed that he WANTED to say to me that I was treating him like he was my servant, but that he in fact was NOT saying that, so it was okay. (Man, it was a good thing he DIDN’T say that, right?)

This brings us to today.

Every Wednesday is costume day at his camp, and he informed us last night that he needed to dress up as something related to “carnival” or “circus.” He decided to go as a ninja, since there are often sword or knife throwers at a circus. Good deal. No problem.

This morning though, he came downstairs dressed in normal clothes. I asked him about his ninja costume, and he decided he didn’t want to do that anymore. I started thinking up other options (my favorite involved tying a matchbox car to each of his knees, for pun-based reasons), but he turned down every suggestion I made over the next hour, offering none of his own, and letting me know he didn’t HAVE to have a costume if he didn’t want one.

It wasn’t until the SECOND we were walking out the door that he decided he couldn’t leave without dressing up, but by then it was too late. I chauffeured a miserable boy to camp, and when a counselor came to take him away, we had the following exchange:

COUNSELOR: What’s wrong, Leo?

LEO (Bitterly): I wanted to dress up today, but DADDY forgot!

ME: WHAT???

Clearly, I dropped the ball in a big way. If I don’t get my act together, he might fire me and find a new servant altogether...

[conversationswithleo]

Frighteningly Sweet...

When you spend time with little kids, it’s amazing how much kindness and love you get to experience; the sort of affection and compassion you wouldn’t think possible from someone so young.

But then, there are OTHER moments...

The other evening, I was pretty much a walking zombie after spending the previous night up soothing my congested two-year-old daughter. When my fatigue and headache became too much, I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes. A few minutes later, Sally came over to “check on me,” and we had the following exchange:

SALLY (Sweetly): Daddy...are you sleeping?

ME (Without opening my eyes): I’m resting.

SALLY: Why, Daddy?

ME (Without opening my eyes): I am very tired from sitting in the chair with you last night, Sweetie. I need to get some rest.

SALLY: Oh. Daddy?

ME (Without opening my eyes): Yes, Sweetie?

SALLY (Shouting directly into my face): BOO!!!!!

Here’s hoping, for her sake, that I only remember the first part of this exchange as years go on...

[conversationswithleo]

I’d Have to BE it to GET it...

The other day, I exposed my six-year-old son to the world of brain teasers, or lateral thinking puzzles. He was surprisingly good at them, and ever since that day, he both asks me for more, and challenges me with brain teasers of his own.

The only issue with the latter is that he has conflated the term “brain teaser” with “any old question that pops into his head, whether or not I would have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually getting it.”

For example, the other day in the car, we had the following exchange:

LEO: DADDY...I have a brain teaser for you.

ME: Okay...shoot.

LEO: What type of Pokemon is Grumpig?

ME: ...Buddy, I don’t know ANYTHING about Pokemon.

LEO: Daddy...it’s a BRAIN TEASER!

ME: ...I just don’t know.

LEO: I’ll give you a HINT: It starts with an “S.”

ME: Uh...steam?

LEO (Mildly annoyed): There’s no such type!

ME: Okay...uh...smell?

LEO (More annoyed): NO SUCH TYPE?

ME (Flailing): Smoke?

LEO (Flabbergasted): Do you give up?

ME: Yes!

LEO (Like I’m an idiot): PSYCHIC!

ME: How silly of me...

Since he so thoroughly “got” me with such a fair question, I gave him one of his own: What’s the name of Dolly’s husband in Anna Karenina? For some reason, he STILL hasn’t gotten it, even though I TOLD him the answer starts with that self-same “S...”

[conversationswithleo]

LITERALLY Sweet at Least...

If you spend any time around small children, you are going to spend a good fraction of that time baffled by the things they say and do.

The reason for this is one of perspective. As adults, we know how complex and weird people can be, so any action someone takes can have any of a thousand different reasons. So when something incomprehensible happens, we NEED to find out why.

But when you’re dealing with kids, the answer will always be SIMPLER than you think...but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will make any more sense.

The other day, everyone in my family was just kind of hanging out together, when my two-year-old daughter began what can only be described as caressing my wife/her mother’s backside. This was the exchange that followed:

JILL: Sally...are you...patting my bottom?

SALLY (Like she just made a joke): NO, Mommy!

JILL: Oh. Then...what were you doing?

SALLY (Like she was explaining it to a child): I was WIPING CHOCOLATE on your bottom!

JILL: ...

The moral of this story is clear: the things children do might not ever make sense, but they’re willing to explain it to you if you ask. Just be sure you really want to know...

[conversationswithleo]

Gimme a P! Gimme an O...

With a rising first grader now living in my house, it has officially become a VERY precarious time for me. All of a sudden, the jokes that I make that I assumed would sail comfortably over his head are STARTING to land just about at brain level.

The other day, Leo and I were hanging out in a room while my wife was changing my daughter’s diaper. This was the exchange that followed:

JILL: Whoa, Sally. This is a smelly one.

SALLY (Encouragingly): You can do it, Mommy!

JILL: What did you just say?

ME: I think she was serving as your diaper cheerleader!

SALLY: Yeah!

ME: Here are some more: (Chanting): Mom-my, Mom-my, here’s the scoop, you’re the best at cleaning poop!

LEO: (Laughs)

ME (Chanting again, perfectly aware that I’m crossing the line): Of all the people in the hu-man SPECIES...

JILL: That’s enough.

ME: Okay, here’s the last one: (Chanting) Here’s a fact I must ad-MIT!

LEO (Chanting directly in rhythm): You’re the best at clean-ing...POOP!

ME: Oh Thank God...

During Leo’s final line of this little exchange, both terror and excitement grew in me until I thought I was going to burst. I didn’t get burned for this one...but MAN, was I ever close.

[conversationswithleo]

A Very Sh**ty Excuse

At some point in every person’s life, they discover that, if they say the right set of words at the right time, they will get themselves out of whatever it is they don’t want to do.

However, it really helps their cause if they understand the words they’re actually saying.

We are currently potty training Sally, and the results have been mixed so far. She’s becoming very good at peeing on the potty, but as for the other stuff...she’s perfectly content with her diaper, thank you very much.

We’ve tried all sorts of tactics, and she has become just as adept at deflecting them. Until, that is, the other day, when she came up with this:

SALLY: Daddy...I have to poop.

ME: Okay. Do you want to poop on the potty?

SALLY: NO!

ME: Well...I really hope you start pooping on the potty soon.

SALLY: I’m going to start pooping on the potty in August.

(Pause)

ME: Wh...what’s in August?

SALLY (Sincerely confused): I don’t know. What IS August?

ME: Not your best argument, kid.

All I know is, she better start using the potty OR coming up with better excuses. Because if she doesn’t do one or the other, than no matter what she’ll be full of sh*t.