I know I've posted this twice already but this is a great addition. This is kinda spotty as it's 1 am and my mind is everywhere because of this post.
I don't have kids. I have babysat and had to deal with them. I have been one and I have seen some. I know what it is to babysit children with the abuse method, how I was raised. And the timeout and talking method how my sister deals w her kids. Both are very different and only one is something you should ever do.
I've lived with my own parents as a kid. And let me tell you. My mother came from a very abusive home. My grandfather almost killed her multiple times. He'd come home and he'd just beat them for no reason if he was angry he'd just beat them. They never knew why. It just was something they lived with.
Fast forward to my mother having us. She was 21 when she had my oldest sister. She'd only moved away from my parents at 18. It'd only been three years. But that's not the point. She says she moved past it. She never has, and it's one of the reasons why she is the way she is and I'll tell you how I know that.
I've lived my whole life knowing if I messed up, if I did something my parents didn't like. I'd get paddled. Now my grandfather used belts, anything really on my mother. But my parents were "kinder" as they put it. They have a wooden paddle. It's probably about two foot long with a long handle and it's about half an inch thick maybe? Maybe a full inch I'm not quite sure. The first few years of our lives, they didn't use it on us. I'll be honest. But my mother has told me multiple times, if we were doing things we shouldn't, they'd slap our hands as babies or give us "a good whack" on the diaper. When we became folders it was open handed. This doesn't include when we did something to "embarrass" our mother in public. She'd pinch us hard enough to bring blood at times and then we'd get spanked at the car.
But as we got older the paddle finally came in. Now I'm the fourth child of six. So I was spared the worst of the abuse. My oldest sister was "well behaved" as my mother put it. But I had an older brother who was a "problem". He'd do something to mess with my sister and he'd get in trouble. My mother has said "spanking didn't work on him". And it didn't matter. As he got older he started getting violent. He didn't beat me, or hit me. But he was known for punching holes in walls.
He emotionally and physiologically tortured, mostly me. He picked on me constantly. To the point that myself and my other older brother, would beg our mother not to leave him with us. Despite what my mother will say, he picked on me the most. I was his scapegoat. To this day we believe he's the reason my wrist got broken, something I can't remember for the life of me. He got even angrier as time went on. And he'd punch more holes in the wall. At school people called him an angel. And for years I thought he was just an asshole. Because that's what my mother said. But as I've looked back on it as I've realized what this abuse we got was, I realized he was lashing out for what he was going through. And I have since forgiven every thing hes done to me. Because he was a kid himself trying to live through my mother.
Now my mother is a staunch believer that your kids should have respect. But because of her life and her father, she believes fear = respect. And it doesn't. I don't respect her. I fear her. She scares me. I'll be perfectly honest and say that any interaction with her, if she gets angry, I just expect her to hurt me. To smack me, to hit me, to pinch me. Or worse. At the age of 20 I still believe she'd hit me with the paddle.
Now back to the paddle. This thing has survived years. For years it worked fine. Until they hit us too hard one day, and it started splintering. But I'll tell you, instead of throwing it out and using other methods. My mother taped this thing up and kept using it on us. It still had the duct tape. And it hasn't been used in some time, but it is still there as a threat just in case.
I don't know who's going to read this or what your childhood was like. But I want you to stop and think if you haven't about what it's like to have that held over your head.
Not just a paddle. But a belt, or a branch, or a shovel, or a spoon. Or even just a hand. I'm sorry but there is no way that pain breeds trust.
It just doesn't. I have a job, and I'm going to be honest. I hate getting yelled at, I haven't actually been yelled at. But I have an inherent fear that I'm going to fuck up. And if I fuck up, the abuse comes next. My mistakes cause me pain. My fear causes happiness. And my utter despair goes unnoticed because it doesn't matter.
I know I'm some level that no at my job probably wants to abuse or hurt me. But because of my mother I expect it.
And it's not just that. It's the two face thing. My mother is so nice and "relatable" when we go out. She's sweet and people tend to like her. So no one knows what goes on. She talks about discipline, but she never goes into detail. But I always, ALWAYS, expect someone to be hiding who they are. To be hiding behind a smile someone who if given half a chance would hurt me for a mistake. For a stutter. For not answering the question right.
For not answering because I don't have the answer.
My mother is also big on hugs. Physical affection. Funny, right? I like to think so.
But as for myself, after years of mental, emotional and physical abuse, and from that, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and tendencies. From that has come a need for being alone. A inherent panic when someone hugs me or touches me without consent. I jump. Someone brushes against me, I jump off the floor and my heart races. So about three years ago, I told everyone I don't want hugs and I don't like them. Because unless I trust you and initiate it, I can't hug you.
Now imagine from an abusive parents point of view. I'm her property. She gave birth to me so I must owe her correct? So she said many things about it. And did many things. One of the things she said about me after hearing it, was of how fucked up i was. Just because I don't like touch now. She was drunk, and some people say stupid things while drunk, but my mother usually knows what she's saying, even if it's a little easier to get out of her. And the thing she did was force me into hugs.
The whole family did in fact. I had my brother hug me from behind on multiple occasions. I had a mother, father, younger sibling, and older sibling all force me into surprise hugs.
Now on one hand, for someone who enjoys that, it would be a thrilling and happy experience. But from my point of view? These were trust breaking, world shattering things. I'll be honest. When I am forced into a hug, i go into a panic attack. Every time without fail. I should probably also tell you, that my mother doesn't really believe in mental problems such as panic attacks. This is the same woman who once asked me how could I get depression.
But back to my point is that my mother to this day will say she's moved past what her father did to her. That she has become a better person.
Looking at my life and knowing that I'm suicidal, that I have very bad depression , and anxiety that makes even speaking to a stranger hard, and knowing that my mother still thinks when I make a joke I must be disrespecting her. And that will still threaten me with violence. Or threaten to take away things I have paid for with my own money because it's her house and her property.
Just as I must be. This is a toxic way of thinking. This is a trust breaking way of thinking. I can truly say that I will never trust my mother again. How can you trust someone who is two faced? How can you trust someone who enjoys when you are hurting or when you are afraid of them.
You really can't. Respect and Discipline is not the same as fear. Fear is bred through pain.
And respect isn't something you train someone to feel. It's something you gain.
I don't respect or love my mother. I am her servant and I do what she says, because I've learned if I'm not "good" and if I'm "disrespectful" I get abused. On that same note my father has also been abused by her and made to heel to her whims. He is her puppet and without her I could see him being kinder, and not as abusive. But she has not moved past her pain and her suffering. She has just watered it down to make herself feel better. It is still abuse.
Hitting, spanking, raising your hand or your words to a child is abuse. And it messes with you well into adulthood and definitely while you're trying to figure out who you are.
Educate yourself so that you don't breed more of this endless cycle of abuse. Because if we don't end it no one is going to and that is not something we can allow.
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