Cherry Blossom Pastures

21 year old lamb he/him | it/its | lamb @Luckythenightdemon for his asks

[autisticlamb]

This account is for the lamb moments.

I may reference therians, otherkin, plurality.

I may wander around looking for thoughts.

I may refer use the one that holds me as my tulpa/caretaker/owner/bf, it just depends but all means the same in this case.

Some thoughts may seem depressing or scary, worry not, I find comfort in the macabre.

I am open to talking to other creatures through asks or messages, just know I am fuzzy in this headspace.

I am not role-playing or looking for anything, I simply just am.

I am, however, looking for new names. Pastry was an idea but I do not see that it fits, but I could not leave it blank. If there are suggestions go ahead and leave them.

This account may be sparse, you are free to visit my main where I reblog randomly.

Or if you would like to ask my caretaker a question, feel free to ask either here or on his account.

[crispnuqqet]

autism flag for those who like to use the puzzle piece and feel represented by it, this is meant for msn-hsn autistics only (autistics who’s support needs fluctuate from lsn to msn and msn to hsn are included)

there are no color meanings, its just based on the red, yellow, and blue autism puzzle pattern

if you are a no support needs autistic or just low support needs, this flag isn’t for you

[autisticlamb]

To go along with other post, no one tells you how embarrassing it is to file for disability paperwork.

Even if you're someone comfortable in your disability, you have to fill out a multiple page questionnaire going into detail exactly how and why, knowing many strangers will be reading it and judging you the entire time.

And depending on your age of what is expected of you, it's a fight to show you're telling the truth, but show too much truth and now you lose any respect or even ground. Downplay your life and now you won't get any help and maybe even be seen as whiny or a liar.

And that's also not counting if you have anyone else helping you file. My partner is helping. My mom is helping. My mom's husband is helping. Some I like, some I don't. They are all seeing me at my worst days and all have their own past experiences with me.

It's humiliating. It makes you feel bad.

#lamblerambles

[autisticlamb]

My things came back. They rejected it. I'm not surprised really.. I need to refill it again and this time be with my mom to help look for a person to represent me.

[autisticlamb]

I think that it's natural for a parent to not really listen to their child when they're first starting to speak. After all, it's mostly gibberish and hard to follow. The child is most likely just making noises, so simple "oh, wow, uh huh, and then?" Suffices.

However I don't think my parents ever got out of that listening phase when I got older. My interests are very limited and everytime I speak It's just that same passive nod with no follow up.

[hello-friends9500]

This will forever be the bane of my existence.

[autisticlamb]

Feeling queasy. Not from food but from emotions.

[autisticlamb]

I have been forgetting to update days. I said go update so I could remember the summer but I have been forgetting to. But then those days are gone now. I messed up.

[autisticlamb]

Do you need a place to talk to fellow 18+ MSN autistics?

Consider this your spot!

We have

-A verification process

-Direct Rules with a very clear strike and warning system

-Lots of reaction roles to customize your experience

-A category for Plurals/Systems and we are accepting of all origins!

-A safe space to talk about disabilities, chronic Illness and many more.

-A space for new alters of systems to ask for help/advice.

-And many access roles for more access to other parts of the server that best suit your interests.

We are a very new server so please be patient with our staff!

We hope you will consider joining!

https://discord.gg/TFhvMQEYUA

Check out the Cosmos of MSN Autistics community on Discord - hang out with 18 other members and enjoy free voice and text chat.

[autisticlamb]

I'm not surprised by the end but am taken aback by the action.

Why is it never a good place to be anywhere? I don't go looking for it, but now is a bad time to be many things.

Even safe spaces are not safe and I'm losing my ability to feel.

It's not fair when people demand you to speak then when you open your mouth they tell you your words don't matter.

But then they're standing in front of you and calling you names and insulting you, and when you stand up then you're the bully?

My head hurts, I don't know why I thought that conversation would work on the internet.

[zetathedraconequus]

Oh wowza. I got completely banned from a server I was a part of for many months and had many friends in, due to the crime of *checks notes* being a part of another server with similar attributes made by my friends.

Isn't that fun everyone? Isn't that nice? Isn't it nice to wake up and be called racist and ableist and an unsafe person for something I wasn't a part of or had any say over? Isn't it nice to lose yet another place to find help in just because the mods will silence anyone who doesn't agree with them for any topic? A person who is the reason why my friends went to make their own server because we felt talked over, interrupted, ignored, and unwelcome in? How even the "drama" that they're trying to pin us for isn't even drama and how if they just talked to us at all this could of been bypassed?

How fun.

Well, I'm going to take some time to breathe before I make a response because I really just can't fathom what happened.

I don't even like bringing drama to this account, but if someone makes a call out post accusing me and my friends of horrible things, and deleting comments that disagree with them, and denying any of our responses. Then I guess I'll just make my own post.

[zetathedraconequus]

My friends have been actively getting people coming into their dms and demanding evidence as to why we are all not racist. We have been called racist, ableist, horrible people, unsafe people, aspie supremacists, "Autism Speaks 2.0", Liars, Manipulators, and so forth.

The person who made the post is an autism advocate creator and has posted about anti bullying, anti harassment, anti assumption in the autism community, however they have not made any announcement or comment telling people to stay civil. In fact in their original post doesn't contain any sort of "do not harass" either, and when people have asked questions in the comments- they are also given the same names and accusations of being racist and ableist.

This behavior is unnecessary and unacceptable. I am currently in the process of making me and my friends defense post, but we have a lot to go through. And, truthfully we don't want anyone to be caught in the cross-fires, or face any harassment over this. Our response is purely to show our side as to what happened and explain how we all got here. However, this is my first "internet drama" call out post so I want to make sure I have all of the facts straight and coherent to understand, which is why this may take me a few days.

The call out post by the way? The drama that made the person make a call out post? We made a new server that was a work in progress and it looked similar to their server. They also claim that we stole their "theme" (our pfp was made by a friend, and to put it bluntly all of the mods thought that the Posters image was something else entirely), that we stole their server layout (we just grouped things together, we have different channels as well). That we stole their definitions/words (Half of their definitions are just from the DSM, and the other half we ALL had made together in their server throughout different discussions.)

However I will explain more in my post. This is just the easiest way I can summarize as to what is happening.

Even though I will be making a post, if you have any questions or something along this post doesn't make any sense, please send me a dm and I will do my best to either give context or alter this post for easier viewing.

[autisticlamb]

Even Mii is having sheep thoughts

[autisticlamb]

Every semester I work hard to remove my mask and then summer comes and it's forcefully put back on. I say I'm worried because "Oh I'm not struggling so was I ok?" And then I realize I'm afraid. I'm not feeling tired because I'm scared. I'm not stimming because I'm on alert. I can't relax. I can't let go. Every word is judged. Every clothing is seen. I must always be present. I must always be normal.

I don't think I'm struggling, because I have to be numb to my needs in order to make it through summer.

I haven't been able to take a nap for the past week. For some that may seem as good, but napping is crucial to me for my energy, comfort, and regulation.

At any point in time someone can come into my room and see me, interrupt me, engage, move my stuff, and I don't know how long or what it's for.

The other day my mom came into my bedroom and told me to put a shirt on. She then moved my plushes off of my bed, laid down, and spent 100 minutes telling me about her friend problems while asking me what to do. When her spouse called mid-talk, she told him that she was currently talking to me and I was being her therapist.

There was nothing I could do to leave or disengage. I had to play along.

Today I try to lay down again. In bed. Blanket on face. Plushes on me. Headphones on. Mom's spouse came in, shouting my name. I sleepily took things off and he asked what I wanted for dinner. I just said I'm not hungry and I don't know, I may not eat until much later and I'm happy if they just get something for themselves. He rolled his eyes and threw his arms up.

I can't let my guard down.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Early Warning Signs of Autistic Shutdowns

Neurodivergent Lou

[autisticlamb]

My words are kind of fuzzy today. My sentences are short. I wish I didn't have to talk today.

I am afraid very soon my mum will be mad at me for not getting out of the house.

[autisticlamb]

Day 5 + 6 of being back for summer

Frustrated that my partner didn't put the flowers out for mum in the morning but it's ok.

I took a whole body shower with my hair clean.

My partner, mum and I all had "high tea" which is just drinking tea with the tea set we have. We had some small treats with it like cucumber sandwiches and strawberries.

But mum wasn't feeling well afterwards so she just rested for the rest of the day.

I think I had done my first marker drawing that day.

Day 6.

I can't remember, I think that was yesterday? If so then that was the day that I made a lot of small pictures with markers. I posted them on my other account. They're just silly things from my phone. I think that's all I did.

[autisticlamb]

I don't think she gets it.

When I told my mom I'm disabled.

When I told her I'm always exhausted.

When I told her I struggle.

When I filed for support/benefits.

When I cried and called.

When I said "these are my worst days"

I don't think she gets it.

I don't think she gets how different we are.

Her saying "oh, I apologize for yesterday I was just so lazy I didn't get to do the things I wanted. I only got to go to the store, walk the dog, call family, and shower." When that's stuff I can only do on my best days.

Her saying "I don't understand, if you got good grades then how has your semester/year been not great?" I explained how I have been struggling with my disabilities, but all she was focused on was how it ended.

Her saying (with a little paraphrasing) "Why can't you join us for this weekly activity of something that's 90 minutes, not including driving to and from, and in an environment you've never been to and engaging with complete strangers, and with rules you have no control over?"

Her saying (when asked what I'm doing this summer and I just said maybe some art things but you know~ (because this summer I just want to decompress from burnout/regression/fatigue and she knows this because it was. Her. Plan.) "Ah well at least you said something, kind of. I asked your nephew and he said that he was just going to exist. How crazy is that? Like ugh! Doing nothing? God he's so lazy."

He's an 15 year old with autism and adhd, what is he supposed to be doing?

Unlike her, I can't just "rest" a little and be better the next day. But that's her standard, so nothing else is acceptable.

[autisticlamb]

I have been picking at my skin again because I'm afraid to carry my plushes around. The light in the house is too bright and the sound is too quiet but I'm afraid to wear my headphones and sunglasses. I know my mom will find it as disrespectful and weird. I really wish I could because they help a lot.

My mom also always starts a conversation when I walk by and so I have to always be able to talk and enunciate and put on a show. I'm starting to lose words though. It's getting difficult to muster words and remember what I was going to say or get enough volume.

I'm always tired and I haven't been able to nap since I've gotten here. I've tried but i haven't been able to sleep. The house is way too quiet and stressful. I try to play music from my phone but I'm scared of waking my mom. I put headphones on but sometimes they're too loud or I can't roll or turn then. I can't have sound machine because then the door will have to be closed and I freak out if the door gets closed.

I don't want to be in my playroom because there's too much stuff and it's overwhelming. I'm also too tired to do anything because I know I may not finish it or just leave a mess, and my mom gets very mean if there's too much of things or a mess. I also am afraid to wear headphones in the room because often times they just yell to call me, so I can't hear them. Or when they do come in I actively jump and get startled.

I'm afraid to be in my bedroom because then they keep questioning why I'm "hiding" up there.

I don't know what to do. It's only day 4.