A Voice In Limbo

 they/them

[avoiceinlimbo]

Unfair

It’s unfair, isn’t it?

The relentless taking

The stripping of decent life, the teasing grip of existential despair

The mockery in which “god” chooses and does not

The “one” life I get, the one chance, no do overs no second draw

This is it.

It’s unfair isn’t it?

To be orphaned twice, to be waterboarded by false hope

To suddenly forget the hands in front of me, to fooling myself into thinking I too am broken

It is unfair. I am angry. I am weeping.

I am here. I am real. I am loved. I have loved. I enjoy the life I am making for myself in a far away land. It is unfair and I too can make choices despite the universal tides.

I too can play.

Even if it’s unfair.

[just-another-cat-blog]

pride month!!!

[lemonsharks]

Is that a miette?

[jeanjauthor]

Pride for you!  Pride for a thousand years!!

[avoiceinlimbo]

Please.

Please tell me it actually gets better.

Because here I am, years later, still playing the same stories in my mind.

I’m not enough. I’m crazy. I’m stupid. Nothing is real. I’m not real.

Please.

These fears and thoughts feel childish. They make me feel ashamed.

[avoiceinlimbo]

I’m angry

God damn I’m so angry

The same people who have hurt me for years and years are the same ones dampening my every move

The same cycles, the same torment, the same cursed house- different weapons.

All I can think is “why her” and “why this”.

What possessed the universe to create me this way. What possessed the universe to send me out screaming, steal my voice, break me down, and repeat the process for eternity?

Why the fuck was I sent here? To the unwarranted womb, the fucked up country, the green room, the house made of cobwebs and cigarette smoke, the body that can’t sit still but can’t move an inch.

Why am I here. Why am I failing. Why have they failed me. Why did the only ones who cares about me die when I was too young to say goodbye. Why am I like this. Why are they like this. Why.

I don’t believe in god. If there was one it wouldn’t be like this. A man wouldn’t rape a woman, a baby wouldn’t go unwanted, a women wouldn’t be used a a lethal weapon, a family wouldn’t forget their child, a child wouldn’t witness death, a child wouldn’t be an orphan twice. She wouldn’t have died.

There is no god, no peace, no sense, no reason. It just happened and happens, that’s all there is and ever was and ever will be.

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

your future self loves you. they will look through old photos of you with affection, not disgust, nor embarrassment. they wish they could tell you stories of your future, of how much you’ll change, of the people you’ll meet, of how you’ll eventually learn to accept yourself, then love yourself. they will read your diary entries and poems and favourite lyrics, heart aching, tears in their eyes. if only you knew...

your future self loves you. if only they could show you. they are living proof. you’ll turn out okay after all. they wish they were there to console you, dance with you, and make you write it a hundred times: “I AM LOVED”. they will listen to playlists you made, just to experience you again. they will write you a letter - of forgiveness, longing, reassurance. you will never read it. but you will know.

[avoiceinlimbo]

I reblogged this in March 2021. I love you 23 year old me. It’s okay now. We are safe.

[nostyl-deactivated20241026]

Life has been weird lately but I finally made some time to add the last little sketch to this book ✍🏽

[avoiceinlimbo]

And here I am on thanksgiving in a place I never thought I’d be. Not home, not with you, not at the table of cobwebs, not full of your broccoli and love. I am here in a foreign room in a busy city all alone with nothing but my stuffed frog to talk to. It is quiet, unlike the house I grew up in. It’s 9:25 and I’m in bed when you’d be laying on the couch playing games. We didn’t save you a seat in the home you grew up in, but we still prayed directly beneath the bed you slept in as a child. Your picture on the walls, the blonde woman I never met. Whispers of you but no talk of what was missing.

You were missing. You are always missing.

[avoiceinlimbo]

"she's never going to text me back, is she?" I asked while laying on the cold ground in late October. I can hear the crickets singing their nightly tune, like clockwork. But I can't see the damn moon. She used to say that I could look at the moon when I missed her. But are we still under the same moon when she's in heaven? "I just wish she could come back" I whisper to the god who didn't save her. "I know bean" she says to me. I still hold out my hand for the hope to feel her once more. This was her favorite time of year, but I'm just cold and my phone stays quiet.

[avoiceinlimbo]

But here I am, still hoping she’ll come back. 

[poems-and-words]

“What a terrible feeling to love someone and not be able to help them.” - Jennifer Niven, All The Bright Places

[avoiceinlimbo]

I am so sorry.

I was helping, I promise.

I didn’t want to see you burn like everyone else around me.

I wanted you, the warrior, to make it out okay.

My poetry, my night watcher, my midnight car ride.

I’m so sorry.

This was not what it seemed.

There was no ill intent, no throwing bad words.

There was only love, but that love was shown to the wrong people who twisted the tale.

I’m so sorry.

I miss you, please forgive me for trying to save you.

Even if you are angry, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Anything to help you, even if you never speak to me again. I did it to help you crawl from hell.

I love you.

[avoiceinlimbo]

Sometimes I look at my feet and I wonder if I'm dead.

Not because I'm hyperventilating again but a tint of near death mattes my skin.

I see her feet on the padded table, in the MRI machine, in the ashes

I see a grey/blue, a sickening, disheartening hue.

I can't look at them without remembering the worst days of my life.

But the wiggles of my toes is not a mere reflex, it is a true sign that I'm in control.

I'm here, I tell myself. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

[avoiceinlimbo]

I think maybe if you loved me you'd open your eyes and see me.

Open them. Look at me. I'm crying. Can't you see?

But you don't. You don't see.

A screen, words and images on a screen.

Is that all you need? Is your phone the best love you've known?

Am I the stupid one? Has it always been me?

Love me. Love me like you used to.

Don't make me the fool.

Please, look at me.

[avoiceinlimbo]

I am thankful for the birds who persist in gloomy weather,

The birds whose calls accompany me in my morning meditation

Those who carry me in the silence of it all

I am thankful for the lingering drops on the branches of my favorite tree

The tree who held me in spring and again in fall

The fall where orange was not the brightest color, but a faint reminder of life

As spring and rain both come to meet I am left wondering where that leaves me

Another move, another flight with the birds

Another chance to find a favorite tree, a place to sit and be

I watch the tiny tiptoe paws of dogs I've come to love in the past year

The old man who always waves and brings a smile to my face

The broken gate, the sound of busy streets behind me, the airport, the proximity to the sky

This is my home if not for a little while

I love you, I love you, I love you ❤️

[femme-far]

the fear of feeling too much and not being enough

[avoiceinlimbo]

2022 it's about me, no one else

[vomitingwords]

when things are not FINE / ma.c.a

[avoiceinlimbo]

The moon howls because it misses you

But I don't understand how something so good can taste so sour

The bitterness of your love sings me to sleep and never lets go

I loved you but I can't

It hurts too much to be wrong and right at the same time

The moon howls your name because there is nothing left to it's bones but the craters you left

Because your craters could never be just your craters, they live on in me now

For I will carry the burden that comes with love and loss, I will carry it like Sisyphus and his boulder

Down, down, down we go.

For eternity, my love.

-AVIL