meow @azfirith - Tumblr Blog

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs

stellarskyes

after the hyperprocessed foods, do you take tranquilizers to simulate getting captured by animal control and returned to the wild?

agnesmontague

i would settle for melatonin gummies but well. knock yourself out

chick-it-out

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see him sing

now see him thrushin

kaijuerotica

save me, rice mixed with some bullshit

cutecipher

a cat is a sort of machine that dispenses hair all over you and everything else in the room

rickybabyboy

😎

macabrevampire

i think avoiding everything is going to save me for real this time

margaretmcpoyle

I super do not want to

pronouncingitwang

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

yokowan

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

le-jardin-inculte

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

shithowdy

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

whitachi

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

penpaladinjules

at some point in your life you will be adding vanilla extract to some manner of sweet baking and you will think “that is not enough vanilla.” this is the devil speaking. seriously, I am the devil baker, I am telling you now, add more vanilla, so much more vanilla, that recipe is full of shit and you should no more obey a sweet recipe’s vanilla content than you should a savory recipe’s garlic content.

unification

they don't want you to know about the rhubarb triangle

morhath

I hate when king arthur has all these fussy little steps in the instructions and you're like "no way do these fussy little steps matter" but you try it and they do. they matter so much.

bookaddict7342

I thought you meant Camelot quests and I was like "that's fair, 'never pick a four leaf clover on the last Wednesday of the month' IS a fussy little step that shouldn't matter" but then I was like "wait isn't that also a flour company"

morhath

nooo I am not a beleaguered knight of the round table I am making elaborate focaccia 😭