once buck comes out and settles into a relationship with tommy i’m sure they’re inevitably going to hang out with eddie at some point and i’m lowkey curious about which one of them will feel like the third wheel because somehow all three of them fit the bill for that
Thinking about how Eddie is a deeply silly man who has been forced into always being the responsible one. Thinking about How Buck is someone who longs to be taken seriously but is always treated like he's immature or irresponsible. Thinking about how Buck gives Eddie the freedom to be his most ridiculous and how Eddie trusts Buck with his most serious responsibilities and problems.
hello i humbly offer another installment of my "this was supposed to be a text post but it spiraled into a short coda oneshot" series.
hen and eddie talk about buck's coming out. also today's wordle is not lover i wouldn't spoil it and lover has already been used as a wordle. it was for the themes.
“Did you know? About Buck, I mean? Did you suspect at all?”
Hen looks up at him and puts her phone down, he gets a wordle spoiler when he looks at her screen. Lover. Got it.
“Him being queer?”
“I think he identifies as bisexual.”
“Okay,” Hen says, and Eddie watches her face flit through a complicated series of emotions before landing on something fond and knowing that makes heat crawl up his spine. “You wanna sit down?”
“This doesn’t feel like a sit down conversation, it’s not a big deal, I’m just asking if you knew—”
“Eddie,” she cuts him off. Her smile is kind and gentle and Eddie gets the quick building feeling he should’ve stayed in the bunk room. “Sit down.”
He sits.
Hen pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose and tilts her head a little as she smiles at him. The head tilt reminds him of Buck because he finds little pieces of Buck everywhere. He’s in the song on the radio in Eddie’s truck on the way to work and he’s in Christopher’s English homework because the stories Buck used to tell him when he was little enough to ask for them influenced his creative writing. He’s in Eddie’s kitchen even when he isn’t because Buck got him a set of rainbow silicon spatulas because they were a buy one get one free deal.
A copy of Buck’s loft keys on Eddie’s keychain, his name in the calendar that he wrote himself take out w/ buck ! no skipping in his messy, nearly illegible scrawl.
But Eddie can read it because he doesn’t think there’s a universe out there where he doesn’t understand Buck down to the chicken scratch.
“I didn’t know, not for sure. It wasn’t ever something I thought about at length, either. I’ve mentioned it to Karen once or twice and there have been times where she’d shoot me a smirk from across Bobby and Athena’s backyard at something Buck said, but it’s not something I’ve ever discussed. That doesn’t feel right.”
“But you knew?”
“I wasn’t surprised.”
He fidgets with a rubber band someone left on the table. He wants to ask more. Needs to know what made her realize it in Buck. If she sees the same in him.
Eddie’s never really thought about it. Or, that’s not quite true. He knows, in a way. That something’s never been quite right. That he’s never felt for women what he’s been told he’s supposed to feel.
Dating isn’t supposed to feel like a performance, he doesn’t think. Nobody else seems to think it is.
He likes the sex for the most part. Figured that was enough to carry it. Sex feels good but then again he’s pretty sure sex always feels good when both people want it. It’s not like it’s some sort of burden to eat his girlfriends out but there’s something missing. He likes making them feel good but he doesn’t like how high pitched their moans are of the soft sighs that spill out of their mouths. There are soft tits where hard chests should be and it doesn’t.
It doesn’t feel right. The sex is good, it's fine, he'll take it, but—
Love shouldn’t be just about sex. Eddie doesn’t want it to be.
“Did you ever assume something about—” he cuts himself off but Hen sees right through him anyway. Maybe lesbians have some sort of psychic third eye that lets them see beyond the performative exterior he puts on. He tries not to squirm as she looks at him.
“About you?” she asks, and the world doesn’t stop spinning or start spinning backwards or tilt on its axis. Eddie thinks it should. It’s the least the earth could do, honestly.
He swallows.
“Yeah.”
Hen hums and Eddie can tell she’s trying to gather her thoughts and form them into sentences that won’t send him running for the hills. Being—this doesn’t feel like something to run from, though. Not so much anymore. Maybe a few years ago, maybe when he first got to LA and his parents' words and their bitterness were still stuck to his skin. When he still felt like he wasn’t good enough. Not for his son, not for Shannon, not for himself.
He feels good enough now. And he thinks he’d like to fall for someone the way Buck seems to be falling for Tommy. Except he’s really fucking scared the person he’s falling for is—
Well.
Buck.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, and it doesn’t, not really, it’s the kind of thought that sits quietly in the back of your mind and waits for you to uncover it.
Buck came out and it uncovered itself.
Buck is bi. Buck dates men.
Buck could date him. And he isn’t.
That’s the crux of it all. Eddie was drunk and Buck’s arm was around his shoulder and he felt lightheaded, couldn't stop smiling so hard his cheeks hurt the next day. Bubblier than the champagne. Floaty. It wasn’t even a new feeling, not with Buck.
He makes him so fucking happy.
Even through hell, Buck makes him happy. That’s love, probably. Definitely. Eddie tries not to think about it too hard otherwise he might have to go see Dr. Salazar again, and he really doesn’t feel like explaining this to the woman who diagnosed him with repression.
Getting an I told you so from his sisters would be one thing.
“Do you want me to be honest?”
“Yes,” he says, far too quick and clipped and awkward. He smiles tightly.
“Yeah. I thought you were, actually. When you got to the station, you wouldn’t talk about Christopher’s other parent. Even in the beginning, you barely talking about him. I figured an army guy from Texas probably wasn’t used to being out. And then you weren’t gay, so I assumed you were just being a scorpio and not letting anyone in. But you let Buck in.”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t—there’s no bet about it. About the two of you. I don't think anyone would be surprised, but no one talks about it. That’s not the kind of thing you gossip about. But, yeah. People were surprised when the mysterious partner you wouldn’t talk about was your wife, and not a husband.”
“Do you think I’m in love with Buck?”
“That’s not my place to tell you.”
“Hen. You’re my friend, and the only other queer person I know and trust enough to ask this to. I can’t exactly go ask him that question, and I don’t know who else to talk to. Do you think I’m in love with Buck?”
the fun thing about eddie diaz is that i can make any of his storylines gay and i don't even have to try that hard. marrying his first girlfriend because he got her pregnant and the church says it's the right thing to do? gay. being in the army? gay. repression? gay. obviously. moving to LA? gay. he's from texas. what cishet texan is going to california? exactly. none. gay. never emotionally committing to women? gay. strained relationship with his parents who had expectations for him he's never going to meet? gay. growing up going to catholic school? so deeply gay in so many ways. wanting to feel normal again? this one was actually just trauma. perhaps a little gay though. having cardiac issues because someone assumed his longterm girlfriend was his wife? just start saying slurs at that point. gay. co parenting with another man? gay. not actually being with him? somehow gayer......pining and yearning are famously known for being homosexual emotions. don't even get me started on feeling like he has to perform on dates. homosexual behavior eddie diaz. fork found in kitchen some might say. fruit found in fruit bowl? whatever
One of my favorite quotes is “everything in life is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” Misattributed to Oscar Wilde.
Vegas absolutely understands this idea. When he tells Pete, “A guy like you, it’s no fun if you don’t give in” It’s not about consent at all, it’s about power and manipulation. We already know that Vegas is willing to engage in some level of SA because we saw it on-screen, with Porsche, so it’s a bullshit idea that consent is that important to him.
In Pete’s case, though, there’s no power in him raping Pete. He already has him held hostage, under his control. There’s a chance Pete wouldn’t even fight back, just considering it another form of torture.
No, Vegas feels vulnerable and angry and that won’t do. He tries to get Pete to back off, with aggression — “You think it serves me right, huh?” and instead, Pete offers him sympathy and understanding. So Vegas defaults to what he does best — manipulation — to regain a feeling of power. You can see the change here, from the “real Vegas” he’s been showing Pete, to the fake one.
He manipulates Pete, first by saying that Pete likes him moody and angry. By implying his behavior turns Pete on, it takes the weakness out of his actions. Then he manipulates him by giving him a choice. If he can get Pete aroused and thinking about sex with Vegas of his own free will, he gets the ultimate power rush. Lusting after Vegas is a betrayal of Pete’s commitment to the major family in a way that Pete eating and even Pete staying by his side when Khun Spikes dies is not. Eating is for survival and compassion is for the other person.
I think he was genuinely surprised when Pete kissed him though. He’s gotten what he wanted. He feels like he has the upper hand back and he can leave cock of the walk once more. He underestimates and misunderstands Pete every step of the way — because he’s not used to dealing with people who aren’t playing a game at all times — and this is a perfect example. He tells Pete not to hold it in, and he doesn’t.
There’s no advantage to Pete choosing Vegas in this, unlike Tawan, or Ken, who are at least partially looking out for themselves when they betray Kinn. Choosing to have sex with Vegas was solely for Pete. That was Vegas, owning Pete’s desire. That was Pete’s desire for Vegas being more important than anything else.
By making Pete choose him though, Vegas gets caught up in his own snare. For maybe the first time in his entire life, Vegas isn’t second, isn’t also a means to an end. And when Pete gives in, it’s not tentative, not hesitant, not holding back something to have an ace in the hole. Pete offers him everything, and that feeling consumes him as well as Pete. And that’s how Vegas, despite his manipulations, gets captured by the game.
[Character Editions: Pete Part I & II & III | Vegas Part I & II & III | Tay Part I & II | Tankhun - Part I & II | Big Part I & II | Porsche Part I & II & III | Kim | Porchay | Chan | Kinn Part I & II | Macau | Pol]
being madly in love with someone platonically is so ridiculous. hey man i think about you all the time. i wish you were here right now. talking to you makes me indescribably happy. i miss you. honestly what the hell
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