does the body ALWAYS have to keep the score? maybe we could just have a friendly game this time. maybe we can just have fun without putting numbers on it
Dead girls dry each other's eyes and pretend for a while that we're still alive. It's a very cold and dark night which never seems to end, but you can do it.
(pov i am your coworker and you are having a casual conversation with me) you know, that reminds me of something that hurts so much to remember that i actually canāt even mention it at all
What makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position? // Based on journal entries.
Text transcript below.
Q1: How would you describe yourself?
A: Practically or metaphorically?
Whichever feels more natural to you.Ā
A: A woven tapestry still on the loom. Threads of silk and cobwebs in the corners. Bugmeal and rice wine. A woman afraid of her own shadow. Um, someone that tries to be gentle. It doesnāt come naturally to me, though.
B: A fallow field. An obsessive list-maker and Monday-morning philosopher. A tide pool. Someone that crosses things through. I make a lot of mistakes, but I also just like the finality of it, you know? Oh! A lover. I think thatās a good one.
C: An infrequent occasion. An ordinary kind of shadow. Iām still learning. I havenāt really thought about it too much.
D: I was a girl, once.Ā
E: A little girl!
F: The first scream.
G: A phylactery of light. Grief made form. An open door. The end of sorrow.Ā
Q2: What do you dream about?
A: I donāt remember my dreams. No, wait. Last week I dreamt of the river where I grew up as a girl. I think about it a lot. It was a bit dirty, but I loved it. I always felt it was important to be next to the water, to be able to see and smell it. [Laughs]. No, of course I never went in. It wasnāt to be touched.Ā
B: The wind. The ocean. Stars, the world, all of it. In this world I am alone and I am free and I am still somehow loved.
C: Iām often writing, but I canāt read what it says. Silly, huh?Ā
D: Somewhere warm. A big tower with green dragons. A moat, too, but itās just for pretend. Nothing scaryās gonna happen here.
E: Huh?
F: What do you care? [Several minutes pass.] Burning. I dream about burning. Andāyeah. Burning. Fuck, letās leave it at that.Ā
G: In my dreams, itās always summer. Itās sunkissed and brilliant. Light and laughter spilled everywhere like honey. Itās a beautiful dream, isnāt it?
You can take a piece of it with you, if youād like. Thereās plenty here for you, too.Ā
Q3: Whatās your biggest fear?
Scratch that. Q3, revised: What would you say is your biggest strength?
A: Iāmā¦wow, okay, this is embarrassing. No, Iām alright, sorry. I think I, you know, I try really hard. Iām dedicated. Iām trying really hard. [Laughs] Iām also a pretty good baker.
B: Well, people say Iām funny. Iām good at making connections. Uh, what else, what else. Iām perceptive. Thatās always been really important. I know when Iāve fucked up. I clean up my messes. Iām independent. Am I talking too much about myself? What about you?
C: Helping, I guess. Iāve always been better at working out other peopleās problems. Iām great at compartmentalizing. I donāt think Iām all that good at it, but I like to make things. Something just for me.Ā
D: Iām a good actress.Ā
E: Um, I try to be good. And nice, too. Iām not really good at making friends but Iād like to be.
F: Triage. Multitasking. Open-heart surgery. Being an asshole. Gravedigging. Take your pick.
[REALLY NORMAL AND WELL-ADJUSTED VOICE] well you never know maybe it COULD have saved me. if i ever actually achieved perfection. it could have happened then. if i was actually ever enough. Which i was not
return to silent hill was so bad our theater was giggling from it. actually incredible how many bad decisions went into this movie that the $3 wig budget doesnāt even make the top 10.
folding in laura and angelaās storylines into maryās wasā¦a move. but then i was like ok wait we might be starting to cook here. simmering perhaps.
āI saw these monsters. I saw them tear her apart. How long?ā
āSince I was a girl.ā
āWhy would your father do this to you?ā
āI don't know. I never had a choice. / You think Iām disgusting.ā
then the abstract daddy scene where james crawls to embrace maryās face as a rejection of that. i was twitching and insane about it and feeling like maybe this is, despite all odds, making it to 3 stars on letterboxd for this alone.
and then of course it was all downhill again from there and comically bad. 1.5 stars best enjoyed in a theater of strangers who are just as baffled and incredulous as you are about this whole thing.
some part keeps telling our partner that they think my father knew about the abuse, or worse, was complicit and i donāt know what to do about it. i wish they would stop saying these things if they donāt know for sure. i donāt particularly like him but i donāt want to have that known if it isnāt true.
sometimes i feel bad because itās like he still thinks we have a good relationship when, to me, itās like weāre strangers. i get nauseous when i have to talk to him. but maybe iām just overreacting :)
you can never go back. this is your one life. you had a bad childhood and that's it. you lost your teen years to mental illness and that's it. you're miserable in your 20s and that's it. you just go forward
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