Campfire Stories

Relatable posts, funny stories of my fails and awesome roasts, and marching band jokes.

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Self-Love is often mistaken for selfishness.

Unknown

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The maths of band

Sophomore + Being Section Leader = high maturity level = your whole section thinking you’re a senior until you tell them otherwise.

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Ronald Reagan roasts government over and over, yet he was the president.

If you’re having a bad day here are some quotes of our 40th president roasting the government over and over again. You’ll really want to read the last one.

“In the present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem, government is the problem.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

“The governments first duty is to protect people, not ruin their lives.”

“Governments view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Some people wonder all their lives if they’ve made a difference. The Marines don’t have that problem.” (Not really a roast but funny none the less)

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that is bears a striking resemblance to the first one.” (The oldest profession is known as prostitution.)

And now for my favorite.

“Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

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She actually asked how to play it...

My section leader put together this piece of a bunch of themes and today i wanted to practice it but the usual group wasn’t there so we asked someone else in the section to fill in. Well here’s basically everything. I wanted to cry at the last one...

Her: I can’t play that note I’m only a freshman!

SL: I knew how to play that when i was the freshman.

Me: it’s a high G. You’ve been playing longer than i have, and I can play it.

Her *for the 8th time*: Wait I’m lost.

Her: Wait I messed up (the tenth time)

And finally. I’m sorry but...

Her: How do you want me to play that. 

SL: *looks at the measure she’s pointing to* 

Me: *I can see her face turn red as she internally cries.*

SL: Honey... that’s a whole note, in the staff...

On a side note if you’re struggling as much as my friend was please ask for help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, I’m not shaming this person, in fact, i consider her a close friend. And if you play flute and have been playing for four years, I REALLY hope you know how to play at LEAST a high G. You’ll probably use it a lot.

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Donuts!

So last week my band director told us that the next person who plays a non-existent stinger on the march we’re playing, then that person has to bring in donuts. 

Today my drum major, who is playing trombone, played the stinger at the end and my band director literally just screamed “DONUTS!” now he has to bring in donuts and he said he wanted to be extra so hes also bringing cups and orange juice.

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Welp...

That moment when everyone in your section is gone and you actually have to do stuff.

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Instrument Pee

I can tell you I’ve never been so disgusted, yet laughing at the same time. Here’s what happened: The other day my flute section leader told me she put this montage of songs together. (themes from like hunger games, Willy Wonka, pirates of a Caribbean, frozen etc.) so it was me her and two other people in our section playing four different parts. one of them decides to welcome me back by making me into a fluticorn, and putting her flute on my forehead... well lets just say shes been playing for nearly 3 hours straight, and some spit runs down my head... and into my eye. I was stunned and for a hot second, i didn't move until I basically screamed “Its in my eye!!!” while they were laughing. Then i doubled over to the floor crying laughing when my band director comes out of his office and says his signature quote: “What the crap?” in the most country accent imaginable.

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Ugh

That moment when you spend an hour and a half on your playing test to make it perfect just to find out you did the wrong thing...

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The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.

Ronald Reagan

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Pledge

Does anybody actually remember learning the Pledge of Allegiance? 

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Facts

If you like chunky Peanut Butter you CANNOT be trusted. 

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Watching Lets Plays

Ever get to that point watching a let’s play where you get super anxious for the story line and stop realizing there’s someone actually playing the game.

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Being Punny

So i bought my GBF a button from Hot Topic that said LOVE but the O was crooked. this was our conversation.

Him: G, why is the O crooked?

Me *looks at him sideways*: cuz you’re not straight.

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Quotes from our last Jazz Festival

BD: I only made us come to this thing so we could get bread rolls thrown at us at lamburts.

Tenor sax player: it ten in the morning and I’ve got to pee for the 5th time today.

trumpet: Take a picture of me holding this statues ass.

Other trumpet: GUYS I BOUGHT A FISHING ROD. (we went to bass pro shop too.)

bass player: wait your gay?

Me: Biromantic

Bass player: SLAY GIRL *Snaps fingers*

trombone: like my ass? *starts giving a lap dance*

Alto sax player: guys my phone set the date to October 8th, 2017. wtf.

Me: Shut up you cranberry fucknut. 

BD: Cade get in the dang picture!

other alto sax: I can’t I’m emo! 

Me: the only reason I’m not challenging up is because we’re playing Queen. And I’m not ditching my Queen bitch.

The entire back of the bus: I LOVE YOU BITCH! *fake guitar strum* I AIN’T NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH. *another guitar strum*

alto sax no. 3: its fine because I’m Asian.

Welcome to my Jazz band my dudes the only time you can go to Bass pro shop, as a field trip, and someone actually gets something.

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Jazz Festivals

so our jazz band just finished performing and were at the clinic and he was talking about where to breath. he asks what instruments are the hardest to maintain 4 bar phrases and someone goes tubas (which is true) but then i go flutes as well. he asks me why i think that and i told him because we waste half of our air, and he say’s with a serious face “more like all of it.” and let me tell you, we have three saxophone players that originally play flute and all of our mouths dropped to the floor. Guys, this man was a legend.

[floozys-deactivated20180908]

straight boys are weak and pathetic, queer girls walk into the ladies changing room and see ten women naked, do they stare? do they say something inappropriate? do they make them uncomfortable? no because they have the common fucking sense to recognise when a situation is sexual and that people deserve the most basic level of respect to not be harassed, yet here we are banning shorts and low cut tops in school because straight boys are weak and pathetic

[floozys-deactivated20180908]

okay i made this post this morning and it has since had eighty two thousand notes, it’s been featured on reddit, facebook, twitter i’ve been sent multiple death threats and messages that i don’t even want to describe 

and i have to apologise

i’ve seen the error of my ways

straight boys are not 'weak and pathetic' 

straight boys are weak, pathetic and fucking annoying

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This post got 1000 times better with the second half.

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Running for President

Okay so i was in my government honors class today and my teacher asks “What does it take to run for president?” my automatic reaction to this is “A dick” and I said it out loud and I thought he heard me because he paused a little after i said it but it turns out he didn’t but I kind of wish he had because i wanted to see his reaction.