Stupid, Unreliable Vampire

larissa // she/her

[tim-official]

there are two competing sects on this website - one that uses the word "spicy" to mean "neurodivergent" and one that uses the word "spicy" to mean "sexual content." i do not like either of them

[anarcho-gamerist]

I use spicy to describe food

[catgirlforeskin]

my food is mentally ill and I’m putting my dick in it

[fruitviking]

Twilight

[bellasnokia]

[batfacednuissance]

I wonder how the volturi find out about vampires exposing the secret. Like the world is pretty big and the vampire population is comparatively small, how do they find out about things like a newborn army or an immortal child? We know from Edward in Eclipse that vampires make the news more often than Bella thinks so I imagine they watch all the major news networks but like who does that? It’s probably the humans they employ or lower level guard members or they rely on informants but personally I headcanon Aro and Caius (Marcus doesn’t care enough) to sit in a turret for ten hours a day with Fox, CNN, BCC, MSNBC, etc, playing simultaneously and like not to uwuify the gothic Italian vampire fascist overlord cult but I also like to headcanon they all have their favorite news hosts/journalists like Cais is a big Tucker Carlson guy, Aro really likes Piers Morgan and Marcus when he joins tends to gravitate to like Rachel Maddow or Anderson Cooper

[tapedeckheart]

[galpalkirk]

edward in midnight sun: despite my warnings about how dangerous it’s going to be for us to be alone tomorrow I’ve never seen her sleep so peacefully in all the nights I’ve been sneaking into her bedroom, she trusts me too much

meanwhile bella in twilight: *has taken unnecessary cold medicine to deliberately knock herself out*

[misakiusagi]

My favorite part of Midnight Sun is when they are in the hospital after the accident and Edward assumes Bella's mouth falls open upon Carlisle's introduction because she sees the vampire similarities between them, when in reality Bella's only thought in this scene is "WHAT A DILF"

[iknowyouloveme-thanks]

Edward:

Me:

Alright, which of these did he use. ‘Snails? It was ‘snails, wasn’t it.

[aphihephiandarti]

Bella: *gets a bruise*

Edward, shaking, tears visible in his eyes: hAsn’T shE beEn thRouGh ENOUGH?

[queertwilight]

am I the only sadistic person who was annoyed bella didn’t let edward grovel for her forgiveness in new moon? i wanted eddieboy to BEG and PINE and SOB those tearless cries

[batfacednuissance]

Edward Cullen is so fucking STUPID angjwhs like I know most of it can be excused away as writing inconsistency/plot reasons/Mormon nonsense/whatever but GOD this man is so dumb

-his plan for leaving Bella human and avoiding the volturi is so nonsensical and full of holes. When Bella points out that the Volturi can find him he’s like “haha I can take care of myself 😄” bitch Jane flattened your ass on the ground with a single look yesterday who do you think you’re kidding

-“the volturi don’t measure time like we do. They probably won’t check to see if you’re human till you’re 30” and then they come like 6 months later (even before the whole Rigatoni visit Alice saw of vision of them coming to check)

-can’t put two and two together that the woman that’s been coming after Bella for the past year or so and the sloppily made vampire army are the same threat

-during the “we can’t have sex cause I might accidentally kill you” talk he won’t consider letting Bella be on top and letting her do the work so they could safely have sex or else just eating her out. And no, being a 100 year old virgin is NOT an excuse he has watched through the minds of Rosalie and Emmett fucking enough times to know how things work and you just KNOW Emmett has spent entire days going down on Rosalie with no break

on a side note does anyone have a fanfic of emmet and jasper giving him the offscreen sex talk I NEED it

-half of his inner dialogue in midnight sun when he’s interacting with Bella is “Surely Bella MUST know this *thing about his feelings he has never verbalized to her* but just in case I will *do the worst thing possible to try and make it clear to her*

-is INCENSED and insulted Billy black DARES to be scared of him and is worried he might kill Bella when him killing Bella is quite literally all he thinks about and worries about and almost kills Bella an hour later when he kisses her

-does not tell Bella they are going on a hike for their first date so she would wear proper footwear

I could go on but I digress. This man has so many thoughts running through his vampire brain and not one of them is smart, nobody let him make plans

[batfacednuissance]

Their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful

[batfacednuissance]

I don’t think the absolute unhinged confidence of Tyler Crowley is talked about enough. The guy almost kills Bella with his car, would have if not for supernatural intervention and then thinks a suitable thing to do to “make up for it” is to go with her to a dance. After she turns him down for the spring dance he says “no biggie we have prom” and tells everyone it’s a done deal without her agreeing. Then Bella is publicly dating the male model at the school that’s never dated anyone before, the guy that intimidates people with his beauty. Tyler’s like “nope she’s still going with me!” Then no follow up. No asking about boutonnieres or corsage colors, no arranging a time or getting a group together. Just shows up at her house and is confused as to why she’s not there. God grant me the unearned confidence of Tyler Crowley.

[batfacednuissance]

Human vs vampire Bella

[panlight]

Is there a way to reconcile "venom doesn't change your looks" and "turning into a vampire makes you more beautiful"?

The best way I can make it work in my head is that what it actually does is make you like, symmetrical? Human beings are not generally actually symmetrical. If you took one half of your face, duplicated it, and flipped it to create a whole face, it wouldn't really look like "you" there would be things that were off about it.

So maybe the venom just makes everything symmetrical but doesn't change features beyond that. It finds the average size and shape of your two eyes and makes them perfectly match. The nose is perfectly straight and equal on both sides, but overall size and shape isn't changed, etc.

That way we get away from like "okay but beauty standards vary from culture to culture and time period to time period and are also, you know, HUGELY subjective so how does venom 'know' what is beautiful?" It just makes everything symmetrical and smooth.

So you end up looking like kind of a creepily 'perfect' version of yourself. Like a computer generated version. Like an artist's overly flattering sculpture.

That lends itself to that feeling of awe but also repulsion that humans seem to get around vampires. The symmetry is attractive, but it's also off-putting in a way humans can't quite put their finger on. It's sort of like an uncanny valley thing. They look human but are too perfect to be human so something doesn't feel right.

[goudavibrations]

if i had written twilight i would have titled at least one chapter ‘when la push comes to la shove’

[glorianas]

lots of legit criticism about twilight but the way sparkling vampires made adult men absolutely incoherent with rage is a net positive

[twilightanimatedseries]

Volturi Guard + Coven designs for New Moon