Some Miscellaneous Reasons Why Severus Snape Should Have Been A Vampire: An Incomplete List:
Note: I’m well-aware that this theory is as old as SugarQuill, Wrock, and Ron-is-Dumbledore (nobody talks about that one anymore). I know that everything I’m about to say has been said by fans before but damn it, this is less about “what ifs” and more about “Jo missed so much potential”:
He literally looks like one!
Tall, gaunt, black hair, black robes, scary…
There were bat metaphors everywhere! What was the point of all of the bat metaphors if you’re not going to make him related to a bat!
It would explain why Voldemort even recruited him in the first place, like why would he have otherwise recruited a half-blood? (Yes, Tom was a half-blood but nobody else was supposed to know that!) It seems kinda dumb to recruit a blood status your evil group is trying to scorn. But we know that he was recruiting creatures. Boom! A logical answer!
There are dozens of professors at Hogwarts during the 1991/1992 schoolyear and Snape is immediately suspicious of the one that canonically smells like garlic? That is just hilarious!
Hey, come to think of it, does it ever say why Quirrell smelled like garlic? Was that just Voldy’s rotting flesh or…what was up with that?
One of the books Lockhart allegedly wrote was Voyages with Vampires and can you just imagine Lockhart sitting up at the staff table being like, “Oh, yes, of course I can detect a vampire from a mile away, more potatoes, Professor Snape?” all while Dumbledore is having the absolute best time of his life.
THE BANTER BETWEEN REMUS AND SNAPE
“Well, well, Lupin, out for a little walk in the moonlight are we?”
“Are you quite all right, Professor Snape, you seem a bit batty?”
AND IT’S CANON THAT REMUS MAKES THEM WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT VAMPIRES BUT JUST IMAGINE IF:
“Professor Snape made us write an essay on the signs to identify a werewolf.”
“……..Did he now? Well, class, turn to page 395. Today, we’re going to be talking about werewolves.”
“But Professor Lupin, sir, I thought we were going to study hinkypunks?”
*Remus clearly trying to force a hinkypunk back into its cage* (Trust me, Moony, coming from someone who played POA PS2, I feel ya.)
CAN YOU IMAGINE JUST HOW MANY TWILIGHT MEMES WE COULD HAVE MADE IF REMUS WAS A WEREWOLF AND SNAPE WAS A VAMPIRE?
NOT TO MENTION THE FREAKING BAT METAPHORS!