...things that matter to me...

"It was a sound answer that was given by the man who, when asked what we have in common with the gods, replied, 'Benevolence and truth'." ~Longinus, from the text "On the Sublime"

[benevolence-and-truth]

It's weird to have been in a coma and almost died twice this year. It's weird to be disabled now. It's weird to not look like myself anymore, or sometimes even feel like myself.

I watched Good Fortune today. Super cute movie. It resonated. I, too, want to have hope for my life. Even though it's hard sometimes.

I had interesting interactions with fast food employees today. Some people are cool as hell and doing their best despite shitty jobs and coworkers and circumstances. I tell people when they are awesome, and I thank them for being kind. It's amazing to see such a stark contrast between people who care and people who don't.

I remember working those jobs too. Crazy to think I might not even be able to do that now. I don't know what I will do now. But I want to share joy and make people happy. That would make me happy.

Life is wild, y'all.

[benevolence-and-truth]

Jesus L-rd, please help me find the strength to extend some grace to these trifling ass bitches. Amen 🙏

[benevolence-and-truth]

I am not really a fan of any drug that affects my brain chemistry. Just not my kind of party. They gave me 30 pills of 1 mg Xanax for anxiety in 2015. I still have 5 left. Probably safe to say I'm not an addict .

But seriously- I had forgotten how it makes you just not give a fuck. About anything! I spent 40 minutes with the cops last night while they interrogated me about domestic violence and if I wanted to press charges, and I said no and tried to get them and myself out as fast as possible. Called my mom on the drive home, and she was mad because she was sleeping. 10:30, mind you. Not exactly the middle of the night. But zero concern for me getting assaulted.

My life is surreal. And that's why I think drugs like Xanax are dangerous. Makes you not care? Cool. Makes you dissociative, where you feel like nothing is real? Scary. But yes, about 2-3 times a year, when I am stressed to the max, and I've already called a suicide/self-injury hotline and tried so damn hard to calm down and be better...

Xanax. One little milligram making me just give zero ficks. Which woild be dangerous on a regular basis. But sometimes when life is absolute shit, it's nice to turn it off for a few hours

[benevolence-and-truth]

So, weird take- I'm starting to think not eating is my new form of self-injury..? Because it's not really like classic anorexia. I don't think I'm fat or anything, although I do have some serious body dysmorphia. And I do have chronic stomach issues that make me sick a lot, so sometimes it's easier not to eat. And I do have a stress disorder that exacerbates those stomach issues. But at the same time, I wonder if not eating is some new form of self-punishment. I still love cooking and finding new recipes and feeding other people, but then I don't eat what I made. It's weird. I don't know.

[benevolence-and-truth]

Absolutely cannot stand it when people are nice to your face but talk shit about you behind your back. Also can't stand it when people micromanage and hover and try to parent you (even though you're a grown ass adult) under the guise of "caring" when really they're just control freaks who want to feel important and superior

[benevolence-and-truth]

Best fucking line of G&G S3

[benevolence-and-truth]

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I started my day with non-consensual sex. That I tried to fend off the night before. Spent hours awake crying while he drunkenly slept. Guess I just bought myself a 6-hour window. Same thing happened anyway. Now he wonders why I'm sad today. But you know, I'm no longer on speaking terms with my sisters. So, isolation? Check. They think I'm the problem, so victim-blaming? Check. Absolute control to put your dick in someone and not do a damn thing to make them feel good? No kisses? No foreplay? Just pull their panties down while they are sleeping and fuck until you get off...As I cry silently the whole time? Check

[benevolence-and-truth]

So my older sister lost as much weight as I did because she found out her husband was unfaithful. And my younger sister lost as much weight as I did because she's taking weight loss drugs. I lost weight because I have chronic stomach issues and struggle to keep food down. Yet they think they are doing just fine, and I'm anorexic?! The poor person always gets labelled as crazy. Rich with a cheating husband? You good. Middle class taking prescriptions off-label? Good for you. Poor and fighting chronic physical, medical issues? Fuck you bitch, you must be crazy...

[benevolence-and-truth]

Sunday vibes 💃

[benevolence-and-truth]

And this too ..

[benevolence-and-truth]

Just gonna leave this right here...

Sisters who abandon you and talk shit about you to every mutual person in your lives as you are in the process of receiving physical medical and mental health diagnoses...

Reciprocity? Anyone? I've had their backs through absolutely everything they ever went through. Always. Women should support other women. Especially their gd sisters...just saying

[benevolence-and-truth]

I have been plagued by health issues no one can understand. I've had specialists (internists, gastroenterologists, etc.) tell me I am a "mystery' lately. I embrace it. I am an enigma you may never understand. But I will do what I can to not only survive, but thrive.

I have fought to improve my health these past few months and not end up back in the hospital. I have learned to sustain myself in new ways, like drinking protein meal shakes and "sports drinks" (no brand loyalty 😉) to keep myself alive and take in essential nutrients and electrolytes. I have focused on making healthy meals with mostly vegetables and lean protein. I have abandoned fast food because the convenience is not worth the havoc is plays on my digestive system.

My health struggles have been eye-opening, to say the least. But I am bolstered by the support of my family. My father tells me he is proud of me for making "breakfast" a priority- even if it's just a protein meal shake. My mother says she is encouraged to hear me sound strong for two days in a row (and yes, we are calling that a major win). I have always loved cooking and culinary endeavors, so I'm learning into that as I discover ways to entice myself to eat. New recipes and invitations to explore healthy options. My partner enjoys the new flavors and says he is proud of me for taking an interest in eating. What a strange thing to consider...that I would need to reinitiate an interest in something that literally keeps me alive.

Cancerous cell changes in my stomach and esophagus won't keep me down. Losing 20 pounds in 3 weeks won't keep me down. I am nothing if not a phoenix. Rising from the ashes of former lives is what I do best. This will be no different.

Some people have tried to tell me lately that my health issues are all my fault, or the result of my life choices- as if I brought this on myself.  I reject these assertions. I have lived and eaten healthier than most people (read: Americans) do for a long time because my health issues started ~20 years ago. But when problems arise, we all investigate and see how we can do better. I am becoming the best possible version of myself. Haters be damned.

[benevolence-and-truth]

unpopular option: with the rising rates of adult diagnoses of autism and ADHD...if we are all so neuro-divergent, what's normal?? Really?

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As American turns into fascist Germany, I realize my queer, Jewish ass will be the first to go. And that is absolutely terrifying

[benevolence-and-truth]

Some days, my mantra is just "don't be petty, don't be petty, don't be petty"

When I REALLY just want to call people put on their bullshit

[benevolence-and-truth]

Men are seriously assholes. If my bisexual ass could be full-on gay, I would. And yes- I know that would come with a whole other host of problems. Women aren't perfect. But all of the men i know right now (my partner, my ex-step-dad, my brother in law) are being dicks (with the exceptions of my cousins). So yay, holidays! Here we go...