Defining feature of their relationship
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@benignsin
Defining feature of their relationship
i’m very self aware. which unfortunately hasn’t solved anything
y'all know that feeling of looking your 5k fic in the eyes and your 90k epic stares back with both the pain and empathy of time
i love fics that feel so... grown. fics about adults that were written by adults who have years of life experience under their belts who pour that into their writing. fics where you can tell this is a person who has lived through a marriage or a divorce or a child or children or parent death or any number of Huge Life Events because the way they write with an emphasis on the highs and lows of the human experience rather than an emphasis on tropes (not throwing shade) is just so. oh man, it's just so fucking good. if my blorbos are grown men, grown women, grown people, i love it when they feel like grown people, not just extensions of the (young) author's imagination. (still not throwing shade). you know?
To everyone who claims that Mr. White is just acting "fatherly" towards Mr. Orange, I'm begging you to go talk to someone about this bc if YOUR father treated you like THIS I think he needs to be in jail 💀
rules: in a new post, show the last three lines you wrote (or drew) and tag as many people as you feel like. I was tagged by @joshjackalope
He wasn't about to argue the modicum of a plan they had, not while they were frantically trying to gain distance in a mad dash for someplace they could gather their thoughts. Whatever they were doing – it wasn't quite running but also wasn't quite not running –, it wasn't going to be sustainable for very long, so they better find someplace to take a break soon. But looking at his partner in crime and the frown on her face, Percy wasn't counting on it.
I'm just a brain on stick hiding behind an alt account and I haven't been part of the Tumblr crowd in years, so I'll tag an old favourite and a new discovery: @sserpente @authormars
What it feels like to be alive right now
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long range on bad news is 800ft, and because percy has the sharpshooter feat, he rolls normally at that distance (just over two and a half football fields). it’s also worth noting that no fucking wizard spells have a range that long, so if ikithon wants to participate in this “fight” he better be a fast runner. let’s put percy at one end of this frankly absurd distance and ikithon at the other, for the sake of scientific curiosity, and see what happens.
assuming ickythot a) is a wizard, b) isn’t multiclassed, and c) didn’t take the Toughness feat, his theoretical max hp (at lvl 20 with 20 con and 6s on every hit die) is 222. now, that’s just unreasonable, so for argument’s sake let’s say he rolled median hp, his con is 16 (high for a wizard), and we’ll keep him lvl 20. his max hp is now 130. respectable! we love glass cannons!
percy rolls initiative at +11, casts hex, and shoots first. percy is pissed as fuck and blows all three of his grit on violent shot, letting him add three additional damage dice while temporarily raising the misfire score for bad news to 8. he also makes it a sharpshooter shot, taking -5 to hit and +10 to damage. oof, that’ll be a hard shot, but no worries, it’s percy. bang! natural 20! cool!
bad news’ damage is 2d12. as a dm, i would rule that its ‘damage die’ is 2d12 rather than 1d12, but 5e’s rules designer disagrees, so we’ll go with that. it, uh, it turns out it doesn’t matter all that much.
percy rolls 2d12 + 3 additional d12s + 1d6 for hex, doubling that (’double the dice’) for the crit. he then adds 5 (his dexterity) and 10 (sharpshooter). the average result for that is 87. ikithon is looking pretty rough! but he’s a wizard, he’s still got tricks up his sleeve! just wait for the next round!
ikithon spends his turn running towards percy to try and get in range to meteor swarm him, probably, and then he takes 43 points of damage from hemorrhaging critical.
he is now at precisely zero hit points, falls to the ground, and dies ignominiously and unceremoniously. death in six seconds is probably better than he deserved, but hey, no mercy percy keeps it efficient. he’s got dinner to cook for the wife and kids!
why doesn’t ikithon just heal himself??? cause he’s a nerd, that’s why. you think this bastard man is friends with a lot of clerics? you think he’s learned healing magic from the local druid? nah. he’s a dumb wizard and i hate him
what if he brought friends??? don’t worry, guys– how fast can his friends run 800ft? probably not faster than a speeding bullet!!!
what if he makes his save on hex??? don’t worry, guys, there isn’t one! the warlock class is broken, and so is percival frederickstein von mussel klossowski de rolo iii, and so is keyleth’s heart!
what if he runs out of range after percy’s turn??? don’t worry guys, vex is there and she’s got a broom! or maybe she left that in pandemonium? doesn’t matter! trinket’s speed is 40ft! you can’t run from percy, bastard man!
what if percy forgets to hex him??? what if he’s got gloves of missile snaring??? what if percy rolls below average damage??? what if he doesn’t crit??? what if–
don’t worry, guys, he’s literally got seven more tries this turn!
this is art
This reminds me of the post I made way back in Campaign 1 where I pointed out that Percy could absolutely waste Scanlan in a fight at any time and only Vex’s kindness and mercy had stopped him from doing so.
Percy is absolute bullshit and it makes me laugh so much.
Hallo Mr. Lord of Whitestone -
You don’t know us but we scried on you and your wife is very pretty and we wanted you to know that a very bad wizard dude has been using your refined Residuum in experiments on children of the Dwendallian Empire.
The Traveller (who is the coolest ever) told me that you used to be an Adventurer and we would like to invite you to take part in our plan to destroy this very bad guy before he hurts anyone else. We used to be pirates but now we are trying to keep the world safe and we think that the world would be safer without him in it and it would be a good thing if you were to help so everyone would know that you aren’t okay with bad people using your most exclusive export.
So if you are interested please meet us at the Lionett Winery costume ball over the Harvest Festival this year! We think you and your beautiful wife would look very good as goth tieflings!
Love,
Jester Lavorre of the Mighty Nein
BEWARE CAPTAIN TUSKTOOTH!!!
P.S.
Nott heard a rumour that you stockpile guns and ammunition (after you stole the idea from the famous Dr. Ripley) and she wants more ammo for her gun. Since Nott wasted her only bullet shooting our monk in the ass because of a race, I don’t think that Nott should have more ammunition for her gun. But you should bring your gun so you can shoot the bad guy who used your Residuum to hurt Caleb.
Jester: okay guys, already sent the message, lets see how long we have to wait-
Percy, already comming out of a tree portal with Keyleth and Vex behind him, Bad News charged and ready: Where’s this ikithon fucker?
I fucking love TLOVM Percy because while almost everyone else is toting around god-killing vestiges, he’s got science and rage but is still doing just as well.
What it feels like to be alive right now
writing is 10% storytelling and 90% rearranging three sentences for an hour like you're trying to solve an ancient curse
I'm so fascinated by people who seem to believe that analyzing media is somehow taking the joy out of it. Like. Do you not enjoy thinking? Does taking stuff apart and figuring out how it works not give you a hit of dopamine? And you get mad when you see people having fun in this way? What a sad, miserable way to engage with the world.