been thinking a lot lately about how I developed a bad, bad case of know-it-all-ism as a child
I was seeking connection most of all.
I was a sensitive kid. An early reader, a rule-follower, a frequent crierâŚand undiagnosed neurodivergent. I tried to hide behind competenceâthat was my mask. Surely, if I could help other kids, theyâd want to talk to me? Surely if I impressed a teacher, theyâd like me?
You can probably imagine how all that went.
I was well-meaning, but not very understanding. I was inclusive, but probably condescending. I was smart, but self-centered.
It took me til high school to realize that it was alienating to my peers. That people didnât want to know me as a person because of how I acted as a classmate.
I withdrew. I stopped texting first. I stopped asking my friends to do things with me. I started waiting for people to come to me, looking for evidence that any of my friends actually missed me or wanted me around.
ThatâŚdidnât go well either.
It came to a head when I stood up for something I believed in just before graduationâŚand found no one there to support me.
I am a lonely adult now.
I tried starting fresh in college, deliberate in not repeating the errors of my childhood. I took in the stories of people around me, and listened and changed and understood: no, Iâm not the smartest or the most competent and I donât need to be to have value. Instead, I could be a connector! A peer mentor, a club leader, a writing tutorâand I was!
You can probably guess where this is going.
It was the same thing all over againâcompetency (in the form of experience, rather than knowledge) as a substitute for authenticity. I was better liked. I had people who couldâve probably been lifelong friends. They were kind and understanding and wanted to be there for meâŚbut I didnât trust any of it. I didnât let them in because I didnât trust that anyone would see who I actually am and want to know me.
Honestly, I donât know if I even know me sometimes.
I still havenât solved it. I donât trust people at workânot at my first full-time job (where I probably shouldâve been more open) and not now (where I truly canât trust my coworkers to have my back). I find myself embarrassed by authenticity, without socially acceptable things to say, so worried about offending people that I wonât say anything at all. My friends are here, online, where I can think through the things I say and try to be the person I want to be, and (aside from my partner who gets his own special basket)âŚthatâs it.
Thatâs all, for now.
All of this is to say: good intentions are not even half of the battle. Growth is the rest of it, and itâs hard won (and youâll probably lose more than youâll win), butâŚyou have to be willing to fight.
