been thinking a lot lately about how I developed a bad, bad case of know-it-all-ism as a child
I was seeking connection most of all.
I was a sensitive kid. An early reader, a rule-follower, a frequent crier…and undiagnosed neurodivergent. I tried to hide behind competence—that was my mask. Surely, if I could help other kids, they’d want to talk to me? Surely if I impressed a teacher, they’d like me?
You can probably imagine how all that went.
I was well-meaning, but not very understanding. I was inclusive, but probably condescending. I was smart, but self-centered.
It took me til high school to realize that it was alienating to my peers. That people didn’t want to know me as a person because of how I acted as a classmate.
I withdrew. I stopped texting first. I stopped asking my friends to do things with me. I started waiting for people to come to me, looking for evidence that any of my friends actually missed me or wanted me around.
That…didn’t go well either.
It came to a head when I stood up for something I believed in just before graduation…and found no one there to support me.
I am a lonely adult now.
I tried starting fresh in college, deliberate in not repeating the errors of my childhood. I took in the stories of people around me, and listened and changed and understood: no, I’m not the smartest or the most competent and I don’t need to be to have value. Instead, I could be a connector! A peer mentor, a club leader, a writing tutor—and I was!
You can probably guess where this is going.
It was the same thing all over again—competency (in the form of experience, rather than knowledge) as a substitute for authenticity. I was better liked. I had people who could’ve probably been lifelong friends. They were kind and understanding and wanted to be there for me…but I didn’t trust any of it. I didn’t let them in because I didn’t trust that anyone would see who I actually am and want to know me.
Honestly, I don’t know if I even know me sometimes.
I still haven’t solved it. I don’t trust people at work—not at my first full-time job (where I probably should’ve been more open) and not now (where I truly can’t trust my coworkers to have my back). I find myself embarrassed by authenticity, without socially acceptable things to say, so worried about offending people that I won’t say anything at all. My friends are here, online, where I can think through the things I say and try to be the person I want to be, and (aside from my partner who gets his own special basket)…that’s it.
That’s all, for now.
All of this is to say: good intentions are not even half of the battle. Growth is the rest of it, and it’s hard won (and you’ll probably lose more than you’ll win), but…you have to be willing to fight.
