No one you know lives here....
So this orphan blog still lives. Truth be told I've just been a lurker since my last post. I like the lurk life. I DO miss all the lovely tumbls I used to share stupid memes with.
A note to them: you were, and still are, wonderful bright spots in the dumpster fire that is the internet.
I'll get the sad news over with first. My sweet little Icon Girl was put down last year. Having reached the gloriously grumpy age of 20 years, she let me know it was time. That. Sucked.
On to other things.....
This isn't a comeback announcement. No self reinvention. I'm quite happy pouring my creativity into the kiddo. He's fun and funny, and in a very mediocre real life, the most important impact I'll have.
But where does that leave this Happy Grapefruit? Well, in a sort of stagnant place I guess. Hurtling headlong into all the awful trappings of Momhood. Distance from all my old hobbies and activites that "defined" me, or at least made me feel interesting. Isolation from pretty much any friends besides Spouse, who's great. He's my friend, he's my partner......buuuuuuuut. He's not an outside perspective. And with my Kindred person living 3k miles across the map, it makes for some very loud echoes between my ears. (If anyone else's internal monologue is old enough to make a Lou Gehrig /Airplane the movie reference right now, I'll give you a moment)
Introspectively I've learned a lot since the world stopped 4 years ago. Something clicked and the blinders over my upbringing, who my parents are and what really happened flew off faster than a Winnebago at ludicrous speed. No details, save that the story involves a narcissist, an enabler and an emotionally vulnerable kid in the wrong place at the wrong time. Is that a G note I just heard?
Point is it leaves a mess much like one of those "I Spy" books. One big picture filled with 1000 little things and you're looking for the Monopoly shoe and 4 pices of blue string but you're not quite sure why. Meanwhile you're actively learning emotional regulation (trying to) as you teach it (trying to) and establish healthy boundaries that, if I'm honest, look more like an EKG.
And that's it. I don't have a pearl of wisdom. I'm basically holding it together, happy where I can be and sarcastic - funnily, not like biting or bitter - about the rest. We'll see how far that gets us. Maybe to 42.
Wish you tumbls all the best, apparently there's 228 of you and I'm utterly confused why, but grateful all the same.
-BWR
