kinda tired fighting for a life i don’t even want

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@beyourbeautifulself77
kinda tired fighting for a life i don’t even want
every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier
i’ve never known how to feel anything small. im always intense. i’ll always be too much.
unfortunately i actually AM impossible to love and its not just all in my head
i don’t know how much longer i can feel like this. it never stops and i don’t think it’ll get better either.
Can we please make "I'm depressed" a valid reason to out-of-the-blue fall off the face of the earth?
I'm not busy.
I'm not tired.
My plate isn't full.
I'm not swamped with work.
I don't have a cold or flu.
I'm not laying awake at night. (But I am sleepy throughout the day.)
Nothing tragic or traumatic has happened.
I nor anyone I know or work with is going through anything.
You didn't do or say anything wrong.
But I'm not sad, either. I'm not homesick or in mourning. I'm not angry at anyone or anything.
Nothing is wrong...
I just woke up and suddenly being alive sucked, eating became a dumb idea and nothing mattered. I canceled training for the next two weeks, making up a lie, saying I'd be out of town on business.
And I have no other explanation for that, but I don't [can't] say anything because the word "depression" might as well be "itchy" to some people.
"Here, have a mango. You like mangos, right? This should cheer you up!" But I'm not sad.
"Just think happy things!" But I'm not sad.
"Did something happen? You know you can always talk to me!" About what? I'm not sad.
It'll go away just as it came: on its own.
How long it'll stay in my system this time is anyone's guess.
You ever just left with memories of your life, nothing to move you forward, and you just don’t want to wake up? This isn’t a life I want to live I’m just traumatized, and scared of the dying process
— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
[text ID: What I fear most, I think, is the death of the imagination.]
if you’re on tumblr and over the age of 24 it means the mental illness won
ur twenties are weird. i have the priorities of a kindergartener again. i don’t know what in the hell is going on EVER. i like colors. i like soup. i want to take a nap