Prompt 1: āI just really need to have you here right now.ā Alistair x Warden \oAo/
Alistair had always thought they would go together. He'd had that romantic notion that they would die side by side either in battle somewhere in the Deep Roads. He knew that the wish about a quiet death in their sleep or of old age was such an impossible hope, he'd given up dreaming about it a long time ago. He didn't allow himself to even entertain the idea because he knew it would do him no good.
Their days had always been limited. They'd known that from they day they had first kissed, had first allowed themselves to hope for a bit of beauty among the darkness and destruction. And really, he had been fine with it. As fine as someone madly in love could be when not even eternity with the other seemed to be enough, much less the blink of an eye they were actually given. He had been fine with it because, in the end, Alistair had known that whatever little time they'd left, they would spend it together and be together when the Calling finally came. That at the very least, they could comfort each other and keep each other afloat a little while longer while the siren song announcing their final fight tried to pull them under. What Alistair hadn't expected was that the cruel song came way too early when he was sitting huddled in front of a dying campfire in the rain, alone and hunted, after not having seen her for over three years. Three excruciating long years with hardly a word to even let him know she was still alive.
In his darkest hours, he told himself that he'd feel if she died, that she HAD to be alive. It was all that sometimes kept him sane and the anxiety at bay. All that kept him fighting whatever was left of the "good fight". Or at least it had until everything had gone to shit. When the Order had started descending into madness, mages and templars started a war, and a cruel song began haunting him in the middle of a starless night. A song that shouldn't have come for several years. A song that shouldn't have come when she was gone.
And for a moment, Alistair hated her.
Hated that she had broken her vows, had left him for some quest doomed to fail, had left him to face this alone. For the first time since Duncan had taken him in he felt truly and utterly alone. The sudden hatred was gone as fast as it had appeared but his moment of selfishness left a bitter aftertaste of guilt and shame, a shadow over the cruel song that clawed at his mind and soul.
Alistair wasn't ashamed of how scared he was. He wasn't afraid of dying, not really. He had faced death often enough for the feeling to feel like an old companion, not necessarily welcome but familiar none the less. The thing he was afraid of was dying alone. Of succumbing that wretched song without having seen her at least one last time.
There hadn't been enough chances to tell her how much he loved and needed her. Not enough to show her how much he cherished her or worship her the way she deserved. They'd never had the time to just be themselves, not when they had the Wardens to rebuild and an Order to lead. Right now it all felt like a cruel joke, a life full of possibilities wasted. All their hard work and sacrifices and for what? Something was poisoning the Wardens from within and the one person that could do something against it, the one they would probably listen to, had vanished into the night with little more than a written apology for not being brave enough to say goodbye. In his heart, he knew she just wanted to avoid another fight with him.
Alistair closed his eyes, trying to forget the last words he had said to her, selfish and unkind and utterly scared. It had been three long years and still, they were waking him up at night, the guilt almost suffocating him. Now they mixed with the sounds of the wordless song that never left his mind. He wondered if she heard it too. If she was as scared as he was, missing him by her site. Or if she had already forgotten about him, too focused on her quest that now seemed even more in vain than before.
A shuddering breath left Alistair as he opened his eyes again, watching the slowly dying fire. It seemed kind of fitting that it hadn't stopped raining ever since the Calling started. At least that way he could blame the chill in his bones on the fact that he hadn't been dry in weeks instead of the profound desperation that had settled deep within him. Exhaustion tore at him but he dreaded closing his eyes, knowing what nightmares awaited him in the Fade. So he kept staring at the diminishing flames until they finally lost the battle against the rain and the night swallowed him. Alistair made no move to rekindle the fire. He kept sitting in the dark, gazing at nothing while he listened to the whispers and the eerie music born in his head. Alone.
"I just really need to have you here right now," he whispered into the darkness, silently wishing the wind would carry his voice to her and bring her back.
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