Bipolar Maxx

mental health vent blog 26 She/Her PNW, USA | Diagnosed Bipolar 1

[bipolar-maxx]

crywanking is a thing right?

kmn

[bipolar-maxx]

Mismatched

When I was a kid, I was praised for thinking outside of the box. Vibrant colors and patterns, All mixed together in my drawers like a sea of creativity. I liked many things, and I wanted them all at once.

Tinkerbell shirts and emo jackets. A striped left sock, a polka dot right sock. Nothing matched, and I liked it that way.

As I grew, my wardrobe was slowly drained of all color. Society was a vampire, drinking all joy from things I'd once loved.

Superhero logos and relatable text. Short hair and solid black fabrics. Everything matched.

Other things changed as well. I went from being the weird, crazy girl To the cool, hot girl that people wanted to be around. A part of me died. A big part.

People will say they admire those who think outside of the box. But they're just words. Now, I want nothing more than to live again. To love many things once more, and to love them all at once.

Music, shows, games. Politics, philosophy, psychology. My heart is mismatched, and I like it that way.

But just as no one likes to look at mismatched clothes, No one will like my mismatched heart. And that's why I'll always be alone.

[bipolar-maxx]

i'm just kinda depressed and anxious and freaking out and i don't wanna do any of the bullshit my therapist says i should do

[bipolar-maxx]

IIII don't wanna be here anymoooore

[bipolar-maxx]

tfw you haven't talked to anyone outside of your family in 3+ years, but you kinda want to, but you kinda don't.

[bipolar-maxx]

I need some advice.

Growing up, I found men to be ugly and woman to be the most beautiful people in the world. I dated men because it was what I saw in media all the time, and it was what my friends normalized. When I finally dated women, I was bullied, and blah blah blah. I know, pretty normal stuff. I've always identified as bisexual, since I like both men and women, though for very different reasons. Women I idolize for their beauty and charm, but I fear their judgment and rejection. Men I like for their laidback attitude and approachability, but I find myself wanting something more.

I've acclimated to find men attractive alongside women, though still to a lesser extent. I have a male-presenting partner (who is nonbinary, but still goes by either he/him or they/them) who I love very much, I've never felt more comfortable and accepted by anyone in my entire life. But much like many times throughout my life, I can't help but wonder if I couldn't find this same happiness with a woman... which deep down, I feel like is what I really want. I just have a hard time believing I'll find a better match for me, and I'm scared to start fresh, especially in my adulthood.

I don't know what to do. Whether I should just stick with the great relationship I have, or attempt to pursue my dreams. I'm very happy with my partner, I just... kind of want to be with a woman.

[bipolar-maxx]

I like the idea of being goth, but the fact is, I'm too much of a pussy to take on the lifestyle

[bipolar-maxx]

Antipsychotics and drinking

I've been lowering my antipsychotic for about a month now, and I'm almost completely off of it now. We tried a different one, which only seemed to make my mania worse, took me off of it. Now, trying to put me on a new one has taken forever with issues with prior authorization and whatnot. Now I'm pretty much completely without antipsychotic, and my mania is full blown. I'm doing my best to practice what I've learned, urge surfing and distractions, and taking everything one moment at a time. The urge to drink is stronger than ever, especially because I've been wanting to get off of my antipsychotics for some time so that I can drink, as I couldn't while on them. Now I can, and I'm trying my best to suppress the urge, but it's hard.

About an hour ago, I was planning on taking a shot after showering, as a reward for doing so, wanting to drink while playing a casino game, to simulate an actual casino experience, but a personal one. Now that I've showered, I feel okay enough to not, but I'm still fighting the urge. I went into the last hour planning for today to be the day I broke, whether it be now or later tonight, but who knows... we'll see I suppose. I'm going to try to do other things, enjoy myself as much as I can without it, however difficult that may be.

I'm losing faith in my medications and in my doctors. I see my therapist tomorrow. It's hard for me to remember my goals or even what I rationally want right now. I just want to feel good in the moment.

As I'm writing this, I just got a message from my psychiatrist saying that she finally spoke to the pharmacy herself and is finally deciding to just do the damn prior authorization after a goddamn week. I'm so fucking done.

[bipolar-maxx]

Processing issues with comorbidity and ADHD

(Skip to the 4th paragraph for comorbidity and ADHD confusion/question)

When I think about [an issue] that I haven't fully processed or don't fully understand why I'm experiencing it, I hesitate to blame it on my mental illnesses because I believe there's always a very possible chance that it's simpler than that.

I go step-by-step, starting by assuming that [the issue] is the result of a cognitive distortion that developed from how I grew up or trauma I went through. I hold onto that assumption even as I begin to explore how my mental illnesses may be affecting [the issue].

In simpler terms, I start by considering cognitive distortions and trauma before moving on to considering how my anxiety, depression, adhd, mania, etc. could be influencing [the issue]. From there, I try to determine what is making it the most difficult to change or cope with [the issue], and figure out a game plan on how to proceed.

And that's really where comorbidity begins to stress me out. It makes it really difficult, if not impossible, to figure out the first steps to take. You have to try to take steps against the comorbid symptoms simultaneously, which feels overwhelming and paralyzing. My therapist brought up that I may have problems with executive function, which I believe, but that just makes this feel even more impossible.

I thought I could do this. That I could logic my way through this. But my fucked up brain may just be incapable without adhd meds? I have no idea what to think. While I got diagnosed over a decade ago, I really haven't done much work on adhd at all. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.

[bipolar-maxx]

It sucks getting the motivation to do things, like home improvement projects, but having commitment issues that prevent you from acting on it.

[bipolar-maxx]

Narcissism

Can I just say how fucking annoying it is that people call other people narcissistic so flippantly? Narcissism is an actual, diagnosable condition. And it has similar symptoms to other conditions, just like anything else. Feelings of grandiosity are often labelled as narcissism, without any consideration of other conditions. It's so fucking frustrating. Not every fucking person you don't like is narcissistic.

My family refers to my mother and my great grandmother as narcissists, when no one actually know that's true. It's used as a blanket term to reference only one part of the overall issue.

ALSO, what is considered manipulation is also demonized to an unreasonable degree. Manipulation comes in many forms. People forget that manipulation can be a learned behavior used to protect oneself. It also can be a product of a sense of helplessness, feeling like everything is so out of control, that you need to cling to any semblence of control, through manipulation or other social behaviors.

I want to scream. We need to realize that a lot of negative behaviors, while not always excusable, are a product of something negative that person has had to go through.

[bipolar-maxx]

Insecurity

I've been feeling really really fucking insecure the last couple of days. I know I dont have a reason to be, my partner hasnt given me any signs that he's unhappy with me or anything. But its like this weird reverse imposter syndrome, despite everything, I think he's completely lying about who he is. Again, I know thats not true, but I cant get it out of my fucking head.

I dont trust anyone around me, i think everyone's going to flip the script suddenly because they get fed up with me just existing.

[bipolar-maxx]

Depression (again)

I hate the thought of doing anything recently. I dont want to focus, I dont want to go anywhere, I dont want to do any of the things I love. Like I just want to lay down and sleep 90% of the day. It feels like nothing matters and I might as well just cease to exist. If it weren't for my partner and pets, I think id lose all willingness to go on. Im so uncomfortable and irritated and hopeless, I can feel it building towards something bad. Even like the only friend I had on this account has completely ghosted me, all because of a manic episode. I feel like I cant be myself or voice any of my concerns or struggles. It's hard to feel like anyone understands, or are even willing to talk about it. I just feel so alone. Like im separate from everyone else. Like there's no hope that anyone will engage with me. It makes me just want to shut off from the world, even more than I already am. No matter where I go or who I interact with, I can never be my authentic self. And it makes me want to claw into my skin and rip myself to shreds. The mania feeds into the depression and vice versa, so it feels like a vicious cycle ill never be free from. Despite all the meds and therapy im going through. It's all pointless. This is just who I am, who im supposed to be. And I hate it with every fiber of my being.

[bipolar-maxx]

Depression

I'm struggling to want to do much of anything today. I'm creatively stunted right now. I want to draw, but have absolutely no idea what to do. Nothing is interesting me. I've spent the last 45 minutes just trying to do anything, but can't seem to do anything. I'm listening to music and that's about it. I thought about writing, but again, I'm not really interested in anything. I could of course look for inspiration, which I've done a little bit, but I guess I'm just bored of what I'm typically drawn to.

[bipolar-maxx]

Happy 26th Birthday to me 🎉🎉🎉

[bipolar-maxx]

Birthday

My birthday is in about 24 hours. Moving into my latter twenties.

I have no idea what I even want to do. I thought about maybe going to an aquarium, maybe getting my hair cut, I don't know.

We dont have a ton of money to spend frivolously right now, so I guess all I really want is like a nice dinner and maybe go somewhere that I'm interested in. I don't know. I hate thinking about things i want.

Im nervous about going out or trying to dress up because I just feel ugly and worthless, and I feel like those things will only make me more self-conscious. It's hard to be hype for your birthday when youre in a depressive mode.

[bipolar-maxx]

Bombardment

TW: Mentions drug addiction and conspiracy theories

Today, I woke up pretty early because I went to bed pretty early, and my uncle came in trying to warn me about some volcanic eruption. I looked it up and didn't really find anything about it, so I think it may just be one of those conspiracies he's freaking himself out about. He was one of those people who believed that the rapture was going to happen when everyone was freaking out about it.

He came back a few hours later talking about god knows what, I used to be buddhist, so I definitely understand where he's coming from with certain things he was saying, but it doesn't make it any less woo-woo. I don't even remember everything he said, but he said something about how words are magic. I can understand when he said like putting negativity out in the universe makes it come back to you or some shit like that, since that was a pretty normal statement in the buddhism I come from. But then he was talking about some random book someone made and how it's like the bible and it's like instructions for the end times or something like that. It was very weird and fever dreamy.

He's a heroine addict, so it's not too weird he's like this, but he also refuses to admit that he has mental health issues and refuses to get help. Being bipolar myself, stuff like that kind of keys me off. When he's all hyper because of his methodone or whatever, it makes me feel all manic, which isn't great since you know, delusions are quite common.

Then, my grandma came in talking about Bad Bunny and made me watch his halftime show as well as his interview with Stephen Colbert (who I love). Which like, cool that she's interested in it or whatever but she compared Bad Bunny to Jesus and was like creaming her pants over him.

Now I'm just reeling. My family has been throwing a lot of random shit at me today, and my mind is racing. I was feeling a bit depressed earlier, worried that everyone was mad at me, so I guess it's nice to have a little more interaction today, but still. I sympathize a lot with my family because I can recognize the issues they're dealing with, but since they don't recognize it, it makes me feel like I'm the weird one. Like I understand them, but they don't understand me. I don't know if they ever will, and I don't really know if I want to be that transparent with them. I've kind of come to terms with their shit, as I've also come to terms with my own, though of course it's a constant journey. I don't know... I'm all over the place today.