Blorpy: Curated Stories

Internet comments are NOT all stupid. If you read through enough comments, you come across some amazing stories. I find them and post them here.

[blorpy]

Know Your Neighbor

Every Sunday morning at hangover o'clock someone was buzzing my intercom and not answering when I pick-up. Like a prank phone call. On the third weekend in a row of this I threw off the covers, yanked on some jeans and raced outside to confront the phantom asshole. And they were still there! Fucking around with the intercom. ... Continue at Metafilter

[blorpy]

Hey look! It's the "...Reading Rainbow guy!"

Kids make mistakes all the time, check out UngratefulDead's, of Gawker, childhood mistake.

So, true story: I grew up in a town with no black people (like, actually fairly mixed overall as a farm town but only two black families in 20,000 people). As a five year old I would consistently embarrass my parents by loudly assuming that any black man I saw (on the rare occasion I did) was my hero "Reading Rainbow guy!"

[blorpy]

A Swedish Delight?

Diego Noriega, of Quora, shares his delicious food with a Swedish exchange student, and the results are "...tasty as hell."

When I was about 9 years old, a Swedish exchange student found work in my father's production company. He'd sometimes stay overnight, and would eat with us almost every day. He quickly took a liking to my mother's cooking, and ate the largest portion of whatever it was that we ate for lunch that day. One fine day, we were having Carne a la Mexicana for lunch, and my mum set a large plate of chicharron on the table as an appetizer while we waited for my dad to arrive. Our guest curiously looked at the crunchy substance set before him. He extended his arm, grabbed a chunk, and put it in his mouth. The appeal was instantaneous.

Before I knew it, half the plate was gone (I'd never seen someone so thin eat so much before this fellow came along). It was only after he ate 15 chunks of the stuff that he wondered what it was. So, he asked. And I answered. "Fried pig skin and fat" Oh, it was a sight to behold. His visage changed from one of pleasantness to absolute horror. Why? he asked, flailing his arms and drinking a whole glass of water. Why do you eat pork skin?  I didn't have an answer for that. I'd eaten it for my whole life. And, to be fair, some americans still ask why it is that we eat every portion of the cow, eyes and snout included. In the end, he liked it, despite the revelation. But years later, when I talk to him, he still doesn't understand why it is that we eat fried fatty sheets of pork skin. Maybe, just maybe, because they're tasty as hell.

[blorpy]

Mothers should backup their kids

Sniper_tf2, of reddit, tells a story about a math test:

Happened to my big sister and seeing her so upset made me angry. It was sixth grade and she had an absolute bitch for a math teacher. Would belittle kids and make them feel awful about not knowing the material. It was at the point that kids were afraid to ask her questions if they didn't know the material.

Now, my sister wasn't very good at math, so this class was especially hard for her. And there was a huge test coming up, timed multiplication test with around 50 problems. Now the time limit made it impossible to answer every question unless you could answer questions extremely fast and accurate. My mother and sister worked for hours upon days studying for this test. Even creating a mock version of the test and completing it within the time limit. She had it in the bag.

Well, she completed the test and on the day that the rest of the students got their tests back, she only received a note telling her to stay after class. She stays and the teacher shows her her test and points out that she made an A. Then proceeds to berate my sister for cheating and gives her an F on the test. Weeks of studying and hard work thrown out just like that. She comes home in tears and the entire family is livid.

Now my mother had worked with my sister the entire time. She knew that her daughter knew the material because she had spent countless nights working with her on the material. So she scheduled a parent teacher conference with my sister's math teacher.

My 5' tall mother went into that classroom and absolutely went livid on this teacher. All we know about what happened in there is that my mother drove that teacher to tears and got my sister's grade changed to an A.

TL;DR: Sister studied for an infamously hard Math test in sixth grade and aced it. Teacher accused her of cheating and gave her an F. Mom goes in and gets it changed back to an A while driving the teacher to tears.

[blorpy]

Insert foot in mouth immediately!

We've all experienced that awkward moment when we've said something but didn't really think it through all the way.  Or maybe we did think it through but it just came out wrong. 

Sometimes things just don't come out the way you mean them to, as these Redditor's can attest.

Cranthony shares:

"I've got the herps."

I said this to entire group of high school students from my church.

What I MEANT was, "I have a combination of the hiccups and burps." Which I had previously, to my own amusement called "hurps."

LaCuevaMan shares:

Touching girl's face with my hand: "I'd think you were pretty if I was blind."

TheOriginalChode shares:

When talking to my pre-op nurses (carpal tunnel surgery) I informed them that most of the jobs that I have had were "Hand jobs". It made so much sense in my head.

CaptMurphy shares:

My sister had just been dumped by her fiance. She was devastated. We were at Denny's, where they use to eat a lot, and we were thinking about what to order. She said "You know what Bryan use to love?" meaning something he always ate there. Without skipping a beat I said "you?"

She cried.

phatlad shares:

Told my wife "I didn't marry you for your looks" when attempting to compliment her intelligence.

Boazizzle shares:

My boyfriend's family went to dinner with my family, so his parents could meet mine. His family was kind of large. Both sets of parents were talking about the price of the restaurant we chose, and out of my dad's mouth pops, "At least I only have to feed the skinny ones." ----Dead silence, other than the sound of me shoveling a hole to hide in.

alotofnothing shares:

Server here. Woman asked me what I recommended. I said "middle aged women usually like the salads".

I dont even know what the fuck is wrong with me.

OtherLutris shares:

My friend is holding his infant daughter.

In my head: "She's so lucky to be born in our modern world, medicine is advancing so fast she may well see the cure to old age, practical immortality."

Out of my mouth: "I wonder how long she'll live?"

Nobody's ever given me a dirtier look.

tomatostew shares:

I was at a dentist appointment and the doctor and hygienist were both trying to look at my teeth and I said "I can only handle one person in my mouth at a time"

DoubleLiveGonzo shares:

"You look even better with your clothes on."

Not at all what I meant. I meant that she looked beautiful no matter her level of undress. Nerves and speaking before my brain worked out the words made for an awkward moment. As if being nude in front of somebody for the first time isn't nerve wracking enough, I had to blurt that out.

(All responses were sourced from "What's the worst thing you ever told anyone that sounded good in your mind before you said it?")

[blorpy]

The origin of the "Convenience Fee."

Wescotte, of Reddit, enlightens us on this pesky charge.

The original intention was a "tax" to add these new services.

When you pay with credit card the merchant is charged a percent of the sale that the vendor is paying for. Big companies can obviously lobby to have these fines reduced but a mom and pop shop pays like 1-2% on each purchase which adds up quick. American Express isn't widely accepted because it has higher rates.

Obviously today everybody has a web site but in the past it was a convenience for customers to be able to pay online. The companies had to pay for people to build the page, buy/rent the hardware, and support the entire thing. This is expensive so charging people a convenience fee was designed to support these new features without raising prices of existing customers.

Today however most of these fees are bullshit but they did have a purpose at one time.

[blorpy]

"I'm very proud to have built one of the first 1,000 web sites in the world..."

David Dubov-Flinn, of Quora, shares an amazing story.

In 1994, I was working at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory as a secretary when a co-worker came to me one day to tell me about this new thing called the "Internet". He showed me a piece of software he called a "browser" and the amazing things you could view with it - including a group of pages from the project on which I was working, Mars Pathfinder.

[blorpy]

"...she thanked me again, turned and walked off."

Kane55, of Reddit, gets an unexpected thank you.

I had a random woman once kiss me for helping her out.

I was in a parking lot walking from my car towards a book store. This attractive woman was walking towards me coming out of the book store. When she was about 10 feet in front of me she tripped over a curb and started to stumble. She took a few fleeting steps and was falling in my direction. Just as she is about to face plant on the asphalt, I reach an arm out and caught her around the waist. We both spun around, but I was able to hold her up and keep her from falling. In the process I ended up with my hand right on her ass.

Once she regained her balance I removed my hand and asked if she was okay. She was a little shaken but told me she was fine. I apologized for groping her. She laughed and said a good grope never hurt and it was much better than falling down. She then thanked me for helping her. I told her it was no problem. She then said, "Are you involved with anyone?" It was a odd question that caught me off guard. I said, "No." She then said, "Good, I didn't want to cause you problems." With that she leaned in and gave me a very warm, passionate kiss then she thanked me again, turned and walked off.

I stood there for a second stunned then continued on to the book store.

[blorpy]

"If nobody on the flight objected, he would take our flight about 15 minutes off course..."

Chris Grayson, of Quora, takes an amazing detour.

As a child growing up in Memphis, I would regularly travel to California to visit my grandparents who lived in the Bay Area. One year on the return flight to Memphis, I would have been about 12 or 13, the pilot got on the intercom and said that our flight was running ahead of schedule, and we're very close to the Grand Canyon. If nobody on the flight objected, he would take our flight about 15 minutes off course and we'd be able to see the Grand Canyon. It was just before sunset. Nobody objected, and so we took a little detour. When we got to the Grand Canyon, he flew inline above the canyon, took us in a bit low, running above the right side, he would tilt the plane so everyone on the left could look down and see, then switched to the opposite bank, and tilted so everyone on the right could look out. Then to return to our flight path, he doubled back and went up the length of the Canyon in the opposite direction. All the while, remember, it was just before sunset. I could look up, and out to the East and see the moon and stars, I could look out to the West and still see the sun, very low in the sky, and look down and see the Grand Canyon below. I was awe struck by the grandeur of nature, the infinite of space, and the marvel of aviation engineering. There is no means of capturing such a moment in a photo.

[blorpy]

"Keystone Light, I love you."

Danbag213, of Reddit, gets lucky with his beverage of choice.

It was the summer of 2003 and I had just turned 21. I was sitting on my back porch with friends drinking beer, like we had been doing everyday since school had ended. I saw the number to call on the can and thought it would be funny for me to give them a call. I called in whilst a little bit drunk to tell them "I looooooove your beer, I drink it everyday."

The person on the other end of the line snickered a little bit and asked how many of the products my household consumed in a week. "Like how many cases?" I asked. They wanted to know how many cans. I told them it would be a little bit for me to do the math, there were 8 or 9 guys that were hanging out at the house on a regular basis chugging beer like it was our job. I did the math as quickly as I could and came back with about 800 cans per week, I thought it was a fair estimate. The person again laughed a little, but kept their professionalism while taking down my information so they could send me a "care package." In only a few days after the call, I received the care package. It contained a hat, shirt, coozy, bottle opener, marker, and a letter addressed to me from the company thanking me for being a patron. We all kind of laughed about it and continued on with our summer of drinking madness.

We were having the summer of spring breaks, we would pick a new year each week and only listen to music from that year. I can't recall what year we were on when I got a call about a week after receiving the care package. "Are you danbag213?" said the voice that was calling my cell phone from a hidden number. "Yeah, who are you?" I said while wearing the hat and shirt from the package, finishing one of their beers, getting ready to go get another case from the store, it was my second beer of the day so I was alright to drive. The lady identified herself as a person from a promotion agency and said that "because you looooove that beer so much" that they were sending us out to Los Angelos to board the Stuff Magazine party jet and fly us into Vegas to stay at the Palms for the weekend. "Yeah right, who the fuck is this?" I asked. She repeated it and reiterated the fact that she was serious.

The trip happened about 2 months later. It ended up that there were 7 other groups on the trip and all of them had entered the contest through a form on the inside of a case of the beer, I had just gotten lucky and maybe called and said the right things when they still had a spot to fill. The gave us coupons to eat at all the places at the Palms and the only money that I had to bring was money to gamble. We went back to our rooms on the second night to find that they gave us a Clive backpack, Man Show pint glasses (juggies had been feeding us beers on the party jet), and a portable cd player. It ended up being a promotional event for a lingerie company that was having a show out by the pool and the beer company together. We saw many celebrities, none too famous, and drank lots of beer and cocktails while gambling and partying like rockstars. We had like backstage passes that got us into all the clubs and events without having to wait in line and we got free drinks wherever we went. It was something that I'll probably never experience again and it was crazy.

[blorpy]

An Accidental Vacation

Paul Johnson, of Quora, does amazing things while drunk.

I accidentally booked a holiday to Berlin. Woke up one Saturday morning with an absolutely stinking hangover, looked at my phone to see what e-mails had come in overnight and was somewhat perplexed to see a confirmation e-mail from British Airways for flights for me and a buddy (who I'd been drinking with) to goto Berlin.  That afternoon. Confused and not knowing what else to do, we went, and had a splendid week.

[blorpy]

"I got to spend the last nine days of my father's life with him in Alaska."

Sea0tter12, of Reddit, tells us about the luckiest days of her life.

My parents said for years that they would go on their dream trip to Alaska when my mom retired. She is still several years from retiring, but last December, my dad told her that they should go ahead and do it, so they started making plans for this past summer.

In March or so, I jokingly said that they should stick me in their bags and let me come with them. A couple weeks later, they asked if I was really serious about wanting to go, and would my husband like to go as well? They said they would help us pay for it as an anniversary gift, if we were OK with helping with my dad and carrying luggage and whatnot -- he was in a wheelchair. Of course!

Fast-forward to the summer, and we had nine amazing days in Alaska with my parents. They live three states away, and we only got to see them for the occasional four-day weekend every few months, so getting to spend that much time with them was amazing.

We saw moose and bears and caribou, going on dog sled rides, and going out on boats to ride the rapids or look for whales. On Father's Day morning, after he talked to my brother and his grandkids on video chat, we all went out on a whale-watching trip. It was perfect -- even the guides on the boat said it was the most amazing trip they had ever seen. He got to see nine humpback whales jump out of the water together as they caught fish in a net of bubbles. He got to see four killer whales, and one of them even breached the water in an awesome jump that is rare in the wild. And he got it all on a perfect, sunny day, not a cloud in the sky to cover the mountains and glaciers all around us. On the way back, he and my mom said that this was what they had come to Alaska to see, and that they couldn’t have asked for a more amazing trip.

An hour later, my dad had a cardiac event that he wouldn't wake up from. I miss him every day, but I am so incredibly lucky that I got to spend that much time with him right before he left us, and that my dad got pretty much the perfect last week of his life, surrounded by people he loved. Not many people get that.

[blorpy]

Go For 100%

NotThatGirl, of MetaFilter, gives us some tips on being honest about what we really want.

Almost 20 years ago, my then-partner and I read a little pamphlet about relationships. I don't remember its name or who wrote it. But it said that people often start negotiating from what they think they can get, not what they really want--so even if the other person says yes, they are still disappointed. It said that people should start by being honest about 100% of what they want. My partner and I use this all the time, for things big and small. "My 100% would be for today to include a couple of hours to myself." "My 100% would be having dinner before we see the movie." "My 100% would be to move to a bigger house in two years." It's great because one thing that is surprising is how often you can have your 100%--and then you feel really lucky and happy and loved. And you also have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave your partner what they _really_ wanted. On the other hand, if the 100% isn't possible and you have to negotiate down from there ("I have a lot of chores to do so I don't think I could leave the house for two hours...but what if I take the kids with me to Home Depot to get the stuff we need to fix the door? Then you'd have about an hour to yourself.") you at least know that what you wanted was heard. Everyone we've told this to begins using it and then raves about how great it is. Now we use it all the time with friends as well as with each other.

[blorpy]

Tips For Choosing Your New Year's Resolution

Jason Shen, of Quora, answers the question "What Are the Best New Year's Resolutions?"

This is sort of a weird question as who can really define "best"? My subjective opinion would be any sort of resolution that

improves your well-being or the well being of other sentient creatures

has a decent chance of actually being achieved

I'll let people think about the first aspect for themselves and focus on helping with the second aspect of *actually achieving* whatever it is they are aiming at.

They are typically behavioral changes that are largely within your control (vs Year-long goals, which are sometimes things that you don't have a lot of control over)

They are concrete and measurable (otherwise how will you or anyone else know that you achieved them?)

You have a strong desire to make the change (sounds obvious but can be overlooked. Do you want it or do you *want to want it*?)

You believe that you actually can and will maintain this behavior change (Again, also sounds obvious but most people don't think about this)

You are ready to make this change NOW (not in a few weeks or a few months. Everything is set to go right away)

One stunning fact: in several studies published in peer-reviewed journals of 150+ people, about 40% of participants in each study who could be reached at 6 months said they were still being successful with their resolutions. Of course you can say "Well - I'd keep my resolution if I was in a study" or "I wouldn't pick up the phone when the researchers called if I had failed my resolution". And maybe those things inflate the numbers, but I think it's pretty clear that it is quite possible to change your behavior. Let's dive into the data on one such study shall we? Auld Lang Syne: Success Predictors, Change Processes, and Self-Reported Outcomes of New Year’s Resolvers and Nonresolvers John C. Norcross, Marci S. Mrykalo, and Matthew D. Blagys - University of Scranton - JOURNAL OF CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY, Vol. 58(4), 397–405 (2002)

159 "resolvers" interested in changing vs "123" non-resolver control subjects (subjects are all white, mostly female, and located in NE Pennsylvania)

Get structured telephone interviews before Jan 1 and 1-2 weeks, 3-4 weeks, 3 months & 6 months after Jan 1

Weight loss, exercise program and quitting smoking were top change processes

END RESULTS: "Although the success rates of New Year’s resolutions obviously depend on the interval and criteria considered, the proportion of self-reported continuous success was 46% at six months. This figure is consistent with, although a bit higher, than that reported previously in samples of student and community volunteers (Gritz et al., 1988; Marlatt & Kaplan, 1972; Norcross et al., 1989)."

KEY FINDINGS: (Parenthetical additions are mine) "Nine processes differentiated (with statistical significance) successful and nonsuccessful resolvers at 1 and 2 weeks. Successful resolvers reported using   - self-liberation (aka will power)   - reinforcement management (aka rewards or incentives)   - stimulus control (aka reminders for the right behavior)   - avoidance strategies (aka avoiding situations where you would do the wrong thing)  - positive thinking significantly more than nonsuccessful resolvers. By contrast, nonsuccessful resolvers employed   - self-reevaluation (thinking about how your problem is hurting you)   - self-blame   - wishful thinking, and   - minimize threat (tell yourself the problem isn't that bad) significantly more than the successful resolvers." (so don't do those things!)

Bottom Line: It is totally possible to make significant changes to your behavior but it takes serious commitment and some strategy to do it effectively.

[blorpy]

"Turns out that, as a city boy, I have absolutely no idea how to act around horses..."

Uberfission, of Reddit, gets an ice pack for NYE.

The worst New Year's Eve party was a couple of years ago, I spent the whole night with an ice pack on my crotch. We were down south visiting my (now) wife's extended family. One of them owns a couple of horses and allowed me to run around with them earlier that day.

Turns out that, as a city boy, I have absolutely no idea how to act around horses (I treated them kind of like big dogs). I was running around with one of the males when he decided that he didn't like me running around so he kicked behind him at me. Luckily the majority of the force went between my legs and he only scathed the inside of my thigh. About 2 inches to the right and I would have had a broken leg, about 2 to the left and up and I wouldn't have been able to procreate.

Anyway, that how I ended up with an ice pack on my crotch for my worst New Year's Eve party ever.

[blorpy]

"So next time you encounter a police officer taking what you consider to be unusual precautions, remember my error."

Rick Bruno, of Quora, finds himself in a sticky situation.

I was on patrol at about 3 AM on a very cold winter night, and responded to a call of an intoxicated patron at a local restaurant. It was the kind of place people went to after the bars closed, so it was not unusual for a call like this at that location. A backup officer was also assigned and was enroute. I arrived first and went inside. I said hello to several of the usuals, and the waitress pointed out the problem child. He was about 65 years old and very drunk. I had never run into him before, but I was sure I could handle the guy without a backup. I radioed that the backup could disregard the call, so I was on my own. The guy seemed friendly enough. I told him I was going to drive him home, and he appreciated that. 

[blorpy]

"IT'S A MAAAGICAL LIGHTBULB is not something one should yell out at an airport ..."

Greatlawlochina, of Reddit, has a magical experience...

When I was younger my grandparents lived in Mexico and we went to visit them every year. Post 9/11, this was never a fun experience but one year made it very interesting.

About a month before the trip I was into magic like any preteen is, thinking it would get him the bitches and all that. So I went to a magic shop and found an amazing invention. A lightbulb that lit up when you held a penny or some form of metal to it. It was awesome, the only fault I could find with it was when you shook it a little it sounded like a piece was loose.

So I had the great idea of bringing the lightbulb with me when I went to visit my grandparents just to show them the young magician I was becoming.

So I stuffed it into bunches and bunches of clothes and somehow made it through security. No one really searched our bag, guess six Caucasians didn't really register as a blip on the radar.

Nothing important happened during the trip, the fun part begins when we were heading home. In a rush I didn't really pack the lightbulb deep down in my bag, so it was super easy to see on the xray machines they put your stuff through.

So we're running late, and when we finally get to the security line they put our bags through barely looking twice at them until they reach my bag. The guy watching the screen tells us to step out of line and wait for someone to handsearch our stuff. We're at this point, confused. We were more concerned about bringing fruit and vegetables onto the plane (The authorities were really hammering that down).

They dive straight into my bag and pull out a lightbulb. My toy lightbulb. Security flips the fuck out understandably, and begins questioning my father right there. I try to help him out, by yelling out, "Wait, no! It's not a bomb! It's a MAGICAL LIGHTBULB! It LIGHTS UP when you put metal near the base!"

Fear was etched upon the faces of everyone there. Fear on the security officer's for they thought this kid brought a bomb onto the plane. Fear on my family's for they thought this little shit was about to get them a free prostate exam and on mine cause I thought they were about to break my lightbulb!

Luckily, one of the security guards recognized my utter stupidity and looked at it really closely and decided to test it out. It lit up. So after another half hour of questioning and threats ("If you ever pull this shit again we could have you detained permanently") we managed to make our flight just barely.