27 Year Old Aspie/Chef/Gym Nerd/Artist

Forgive because you have no enemies, no one has enemies. Nobody deserves to be hurt. Everyone deserves to be treated with rational kindness and love from a pure heart, a good conscious, and a sincere faith. Our mortal possessions and attachments are only tools and aids in achieving forgiveness, rational kindness, and love.

[bobafett51]

Recently, I have been focusing on improving myself in all aspects. I have especially been focusing on improving my skills in my favorite hobbies. One of which is cooking. I really want to share that ghe other day I got the biggest win of my LIFE. My GRANDMA asked ME for cooking advice AND recipes. My cooking has gotten so good that my Grandma, the best cook I know, is asking me for advice!!! It was always a goal of mine to get good enough at cooking that my Grandma would appreciate what I cook. But I never expected her to ever come to me for cooking advice and recipes. This is the greatest accomplishment of my life. The biggest W ever. It was a dream I never thought I’d see fulfilled, let alone so young, and yet here we are. I hope you all are improving in your hobbies and passions! The world has a lot to offer and I hope you’re exploring and sharing it with the ones you love most.

[tpinkkitten]

[bobafett51]

Life is good. Going through it at work rn but that was expected.

[heart-for-god]

Galatians 5:14

[heart-for-god]

Hebrews 13:8

[bobafett51]

I’ve seen more than enough to believe the wounds of the past will never heal.

With my autism and the alexethymia that comes with it. Processing any emotion takes a long time. But processing trauma is even worse. It can take me years just to acknowledge it.

My partner raped me and before I could even process it, she was pregnant from that same event. My heart just knows that’s the time that got her pregnant. I couldn’t handle it, nor stand her at the time. I was so angry and mad at her but I couldn’t figure out why, I couldn’t identify why, let alone vocalize why. I supported her as much as I could. I told her I’d support her no matter what choice she made. I made it so clear it was her choice. I wasn’t going to force her to have a child and I wasn’t going to force her to have an abortion either.

Unfortunately, I did say mean things to her at the time as well. I doubted her ability to be a mother and I vocalized that. I was just so mad and angry at her. I wish I could’ve forgiven her and moved on at the time, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even understand why I was so mad and angry at her. I forgive her now, but then, I didn’t. She didn’t feel supported enough by me, and she got an abortion.

At that point in time, I had let her know that I didn’t think we were ready. I wish I never said those words. If she hadn’t raped me I would’ve been ready, but after that, there was too much anger, pain, and confusion in me to be a parent. I couldn’t do it. I was ready, but I wasn’t anymore.

The second greatest pain was when she blamed me for the abortion. She placed all the blame for losing our child on me. And I let her, because I knew she couldn’t handle the guilt. One positive of Alexithymia is the ability to shove emotions deep down. And that’s what I did for two years. But everytime she did said those words they cut so deep. I should’ve been stronger, I should’ve supported her better but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I don’t know who could have under the circumstances.

I finally went to therapy and after two years I finally got all of the pain out from deep out inside. I WANTED MY CHILD I MISS MY CHILD ID DO ANYTHING FOR THEM. I can’t live anymore. Nothing tastes right, nothing brings me joy. The hole in my heart grows everyday. Anything untouched by the hole is mangled and scared from past pain and trauma. I just can’t live with this pain anymore. I really tried. I fought as hard as I could. But I just can’t anymore. I’m enjoying the rest of my adventure but after that, I’m done. I’m not strong enough. My strength has failed me twice. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but it’s not really anyone’s fault. We all make mistakes. And I know everyone has been doing their best, that’s all we can do. I forgive anyone who thinks they need my forgiveness. And I hope the people I’ve hurt can forgive me some day. I’m sorry. But don’t be sad, I’ve already lived enough for a few lifetimes. Everything will be ok. There are more important worlds than this one. I’m just not strong enough to last until it’ll be ok. I hope you’re able to see the world I’m going to miss.

[bobafett51]

I’ve been having the time of my life recently. It’s why I haven’t been posting much. I hope everyone is doing well ! And apologies for being behind on messages.

[bobafett51]

Everyone has always had these great expectations of me. That I would go on to do these great things, be a great leader, help people. All this talent I have, people expect me to use it, to keep succeeding like I have in the past. But everything in the past was built on shoe strings and duct tape. I was barely keeping myself together. My whole life I was just dipping in and out of disassociating, having flashbacks to bad past experiences, and having meltdowns and shutdowns. I couldn’t even understand what was wrong with me let alone explain to anyone. I was trapped in my own mind and all it did everyday was torture me.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Autism I could finally understand my mind. I wasn’t trapped by it anymore. I could finally feel what it was like to be alive. But instead, I was just flooded with all the horrors of my past. Everyday I’d get triggered, have a meltdown, or, if it was a good day, a shut down. I was alive, but the cost was greater than. I could pay.

Now I’m so exhausted, I’m absolutely spent. I have no will to live let alone live up to others expectations. I can’t, I simply can’t. All my energy, all of my will has been spent. My whole life I found the energy to go the extra mile, to push myself beyond even what I thought I could do. But for once, I don’t think I have that anymore. It takes all the strength I can muster to stay alive. I can’t even do that.

[bobafett51]

I can’t really keep living like this. I’m so tired. I’m so damaged. I don’t really see a point. Everyday I’m just overstimulated and disregulating. I can’t have a day where I don’t shutdown, or meltdown, or have some trauma response. I just want to die. I just want to go into the mountains and never come back. I don’t see a point to continue suffering. I don’t know why I’m still here. I just want to die. Why does God keep me suffering here? I know it’s a sin, but I can’t keep this up much longer. I hope something kills me, I don’t want to do it.

[bobafett51]

I was sick recently. Thankfully, I was visiting home so my parents were able to nurse me back to health. More importantly, it helped me to heal by re-contextualizing a lot of why I always felt so empty all my life, even though I knew I was loved.

I was home alone when I got sick. Everything I had was set up to make me comfortable. Yet as soon as my parents came home everything became so incredibly uncomfortable and sickening. They were incredibly loud and gave me an intense headache. They gave me a lot of love and attention, but it honestly made things worse. Their love and attention often did that when I was younger, too. I actually got sicker while they were taking care of me.

Most, almost all, of the love and affection I’ve received in my life wasn’t how I needed it. Love is the water of life. Yet so often I am forced to drink salt water. Everything always felt so hollow. I knew I was loved, it was clear for everyone to see, but I was so empty inside. The hollowness never left. At least I can finally understand why.

Yet, after the first night, my parents finally started giving me what I needed. I was able to beat the sickness with their help. Ever since I was diagnosed with Autism my parents have slowly grown in their understanding of me. They finally know how to give me the freshwater I need. What they always struggled to give me prior to me getting diagnosed with autism. The first twenty five years of my life I was drowning in water I couldn’t drink. It was indescribably horrible. If I knew how to speak every language that has ever existed, I would still be at a loss of words for how hollow I was. Im grateful I can finally drink the water I’m drowning in.

[bobafett51]

Whatever dream you want you can chase it with me. Everything we want we can achieve together. I can’t help but feel myself calling for you and you calling for me. With God on our side who can be against us?

[bobafett51]

This was the first of many Suhoor meals I ate during my first Ramadan. It’s not very flashy, just water, protein pancakes, well seasoned eggs, and strawberries, but it was the only meal I had for the next 13 hours.

I was born and raised Catholic, I still am one. But this year, a very close Muslim friend asked if I wanted to do Ramadan with them. I had fasted before, fasting is an important (although often forgotten) aspect of the Christian faith. It helps us grow closer to God. However, Ramadan was a very different type of fasting from what I was used to. I knew fasting from food and water from sunrise to sunset for a whole month would be difficult, but I could feel myself being guided to do it, so I agreed.

The fasting was very difficult, especially days 4-10. By the fourth day any excess fat I had was completely gone and my body wasn’t adjusted to not eating for so long. I was so hungry every single day that all I could think about was the Date I would eat to break my fast. But eventually my body adapted, and each day got easier. More importantly, I found a new favorite fruit!

I would often eat Iftar (the meal to break the fast) with my Muslim friends. My favorite parts of these meals were the deep philosophical and religious conversations we had. We would exchange traditions, prayers, and everything in between. We would talk about which stories were the same between the Quran and Bible, talk about difference and similarities in how we prayed, difficulties of being devoutly religious in a secular culture, and most importantly, how important charity, kindness, and love are to our faiths. Some of the most beautiful experiences came when my friends would attend church with me (including Easter) and when they took me to Eid prayer. It was such a wonderful experience and getting to exchange faith practices is a blessing I will forever be thankful for. There is so much beauty in humanity and especially in our faiths.

I am someone who finds beauty in the natural world easily, but it is very difficult for me to find it in the human world. The human world is so painful for me to exist in, I often forget the wonders that are in it. Seeing the beauty of others was the greatest gift I received during Ramadan. There is so much beauty and wonder to be seen in the world. I have been blessed with getting to see so much of it.

Fasting brings you closer to God, usually in ways you do not expect. During Ramadan God brought me closer by showing the beauty he created in every single one of us. We all carry such intricate, interesting, and wonderous stories, every single one of us. What's your story? What're the stories of the people closest to you? What're the stories of the people you passed by today? There's beauty in every one of us. I hope you see it. I especially hope you see the beauty in yourself, you deserve it.

[book-of-summer-deactivated20250]

God loves you.

[bobafett51]

Go to the ocean or mountains. Preferably as for as you can swim or as high as you can climb, then meditate. Just get lost in the beauty of God’s creation. It’s literally the greatest feeling you’ll ever feel. Seeing and feeling the Holy Spirit coursing through you, the people around you, the birds, the trees, the bees, literally everything. Nothing can make you feel so amazing as that.

P.S. if anyone needs help getting into meditating or finding nature OR has tips for mediating or finding nature message me cause I’d love to exchange ideas.

[bobafett51]

Everyday is a struggle to continue living in a world that I hate living in. Everyday I fight everyday for something I’ve NEVER wanted. Everything is so painful. The sounds are too loud, the lights too bright, the smells too strong, and the clothes too tight. I cope, and I can live with it, but every day is a constant struggle. I just wish God would end it, but he never does, no matter how much I pray.

Everyday I wake up and I have to be a trailblazer for my communities. It is so incredibly hard and challenging. IM AUTISTIC. I go to these places where nobody I know has gone before. These fancy schools, these fancy professions, these fancy degrees, these fancy galas, these social strata, are all so foreign to the people I know that I might as well be visiting an alien planet. I have to learn all of these social cues, unspoken rules, and social etiquette all from scratch with no one to guide me. I AM AUTISTIC. Do you know how hard that is? My disability literally makes it harder for me to do that. Whenever I’ve assimilated into these new social settings I always hear, “oh you were so shy when I first met you but now you’re so social and charismatic!” I was shy because I literally didn’t know what to do. I was quiet because I was so focused on learning the new social norms I couldnt think of anything else. It’s always so much work and it’s always so fuckin tiring. Worse, I have to advocate for my communities in these environments. I have to face so many micro-aggressions on a daily basis. I have to share my communities’ traumas, MY TRAUMAS, so I can advocate for them. Why do I have to tell you what it’s like to have your friends murdered? Why is my people’s plight only perceived in your mind when your friend shares it with you?

Everyday I wake up and my greatest traumas replay in my head. I can’t escape them. They haunt every waking thought and they haunt every dream. Every second of everyday I’m suffering. I’m either flashing back to a traumatic event or getting overstimulated. I’ve never escaped it. I literally cannot remember a single day where I did not suffer from a trauma response, an autistic meltdown, or an autistic shutdown. I usually suffer two or more of these every day. Everyday, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been in mental anguish.

People wonder why I’m not happy, but who would be in my shoes? Do they know how much I suffer? How painful getting up is? How painful every breath is? I’ve never known what happiness feels like. I didn’t realize people could actually be happy until recently. I don’t live because I like living. I live because other people like the fact that I’m alive. I live because God keeps me alive even though my biggest wish is not to be alive.

All the suffering is worth it if I can help one person feel different from how I feel. If I can help just one person not be so lonely, lost, and in pain. God makes me suffer everyday, I know it has to be for a reason. But I just wish it would stop. Everyday I think of Mark 14:32-42. Everyday I pray God takes away my suffering. Yet God keeps me in this mental anguish. I do not know why. I just know I don’t have any fight left in me. But let his will be done and not mine.

[gabrielora]

When I was younger and researching the autism diagnosis criteria and symptoms, I thought “oh I couldn’t POSSIBLY be autistic.” Because when I read “takes everything literally” I thought it literally meant EVERYTHING and I was like “I don’t take EVERYTHING literally, just most things!” And I just realized the other day that it didn’t actually mean EVERYTHING and that was an overstatement.

[bobafett51]

My heart cries at the remembrance of you. What hurts more is that I know that it does not have to. The souls we are so deeply in love with are the same. But we have changed. I like to think for the better.

I need to know. I forgive you, do you forgive me? Can we come to reconciliation and build the Godly life we want? Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek but that does not necessitate reconciliation. Yet no matter where I go the signs tell me to not only forgive you, but to give you another chance. Did God turn us into one flesh at some point? Is that why we cannot separate?

During the height of Ramadan I ventured into the mountains to meditate and pray on the Gospel. I witnessed God guiding and leading me through every step to find where I should pray. I have not felt his guidance so strongly before or since. I prayed and meditated for all of the morning.

God absorbed me into the world around me. I was lost in the life force of the deer, the swaying of the trees, the songs of the birds, I could sense all life on earth being tied together by the Holy Spirit. Through it all, I felt the Holy Spirit tying our souls together. Thousands of miles away. Yours was the only soul I could feel from so far away. It was not a normal connection like I felt with God’s other creations. This one was stronger and created to endure and grow. I fasted and traveled to the mountains to get closer to God. Why did I feel so close to you, too?

Im not the person you once knew. The soul you fell in love with is still the same. What is new is that I can finally show you why our souls are so deeply in love and attached to one another. I can finally show you what was once trapped. I want so desperately to show you. Don’t you want to see it? Can we come to a reconciliation so that you can see it? There is not a single part of this mortal world I would not give so I can show you the soul you love so much. My heart cries out in remembrance of you.

Matthew 19:6

[imoved-starbitsun]

something i never see anyone talk about is how lonely autism can be. not because we don’t fit in or whatever, but because our love languages are so fundamentally different from the rest of the world.

i won’t always hear it when someone tells me they love me. i won’t always understand it when someone shares a kindness with me. sometimes it hurts to be touched. sometimes i interpret genuine care as mocking or insincere because i’ve been burnt so often, and i have no way of knowing otherwise.

when i spend time in my room engaging in interests i enjoy, but i leave the door open to let my friends come in and out and interrupt as they please, that’s love. when i send someone a long ramble about something i care about, that’s love. when i let someone hug me, that’s love. when i try a food even though it’s not a safe food, because my friend made it and is very proud of it, that’s love. when i take the time to tell you when i need space and that i’ll come back when im able, that’s love.

i don’t think people hear me when i tell them i love them. i don’t know if i can hear others when they say it either. i feel very alone most of the time, like there’s a glass barrier between me and the rest of the world. i can see them mouthing, i love you, i love you, but how can i believe them? they’re nowhere near me. no warmth and no life in it.

[bobafett51]

Things like this are why I enjoy Music and Cooking so much. They’re just universal languages I know I can get everyone to understand.

[redeemed-renewed-restored]