borderline manic + depressed

she/her pronouns. always struggling with my pot syndrome, bpd, bdd, ptsd, ocd, adhd/brain fog, general anxiety disorder, persistent deppresive disorder, anorexia, and more! yay!

[borderlinemanicanddepressed]

depressed to manic in two seconds

me: i want to self-destruct with alcohol or drugs

*gets in car and sticks head out of window*

me: wow the world is so beautiful

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today i realized how bad my mommy issues are

i got jealous of my mom taking better care of a worm on a hot sidewalk than she did of me

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bpd impulsiveness kinda came in clutch. i was impulsive and flashed this guy my tits and now we’ve been dating for a year and a half.

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talking to my mom reminds me why i have bpd

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the thing my therapist said to me that i’ll never forget was…

“how am i supposed to trust anything you say if all you do is lie and manipulate”

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what i needed to learn was…

bpd doesn’t make you a bad person, but lack of self-awareness can

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pretending to be okay feels a hell of a lot easier than dealing with suffering and pain

i like pretending

i like my imaginary stable self

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sometimes i wish people knew i’m depressed

but i can’t stand vulnerability

and i can’t stand the thought of people leaving me if i’m not the happy and easy person they play me out to be

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breaking up with my mom

my mom is toxic, she is manipulative, and has bullied me my whole life, but i can’t not love her and cutting her out of my life has been so painful. 

i hate her so much, but when she is sweet to me all i want to do is hug her, to cry with her, to tell her about my life, and my boy troubles, my friend troubles. 

she’s my mom, i can’t not love her, but every time i let her into my life she always ends up hurting me. 

unfortunately, i need her out of my life more than i need a mom.

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I HATE INCOMPETENT DOCTORS FOR POTS

okay so i went to the cardiologist for my POTS

and jesus christ i hate doctors so much, they act like i’m actually fucking dumb

here’s a bit of the conversation i remember

me: i’ve had problems with bad nerve pain, muscle spasms, and chest pain

doctor: no, i asked if there was anything making your day to day life not tolerable

me: i mean it’s tolerable but it still sucks to deal with

doctor: ok, have you fainted since we last spoke

me: no, but can we do anything about the nerve pain

doctor: honey, i’m a cardiologist which means i deal with heart issues not nerves, book an appointment with a neurologist if you’re concerned

me: but a lot of ppl with POTS deal with nerve pain

doctor: don’t believe everything you read on the internet, anyways since it seems like you don’t have anything making your life too difficult, i guess we are done here

LIKE I WAS SO MAD LIKE HE WAS ACTING AS IF I WAS THE DUMBEST PERSON EVER LIKE STFU

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having an invisible illness like POTS so inconvenient

like recently i went on the bus and i sat down bc i can’t stand in one place for long

and this lady goes “you’re young, why don’t you be a nice girl and give your seat to an elder?”

and i was like “i can’t i’m disabled i need to sit”

and then she was like “you don’t look it” and rolled her eyes

liKe dO yOu tHiNk i wOuLd fAkE tHiS?!?!?

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when tumblr and tik tok teaches you more about bpd than actual professionals 😐😑😐

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the cycle of meds :)

me: i need meds

*get puts on meds*

me: i feel so much better! i don’t need meds

*gets taken off of meds

me: i need meds

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mommy issues + bpd

me: when i was younger you were never present, and when you were present you just bullied me and dad

mom: you always act like i’m a horrible mother but you’re just a liar

me: i’m diagnosed with bpd, where do you think that comes from?

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self-hatred to self-obsession

*listening to depressing music*

me: i don’t deserve anyone i ruin everything

*hype song accidentally comes on*

me: god i am an amazing person and am so hot, honestly no one deserves me

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mimicry cry

i’ve realized as a borderline that i don’t feel anxious in general social settings i get socially anxious when i can’t mimic the other person or people

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borderline unsure

me to my therapist: you know when you think you’re happy but the second you’re alone cry? 

*silence*

me: ya me too