my social life is literally so crippled beyond repair i genuinely don't think at this point i could ever feel remotely normal again
like its one thing to have a brief phase without friends and figurjng out your own life and then making friends eventually when you are int he right place
but it's another thing altogether to barely, if at all, have any friends (and if you do they barely tolerate you, never text first, generally don't care that much or know you at all) for the majority of your life, and spend most of it completely alone and have episodes of mental breakdown bc you long so so much for warm social interaction, for a feeling of belonging and home
bc once u r in the second type of friendlessness, even if u ended up having the best friends in the world, there remains the crippling fear that something is wrong with you and with any given moment everyone can and will bail on you. because if you were okay then why would it have taken you so long to even form a basic relationship with another person? why would it have taken so long for you when others seem naturally able to navigate life at least decently to not feel suicidal every single day.
and i mean its not like i'm just being too hard on myself i'm literally barely capable of being alive and with all the mental shit i have going at this point i'm very much beyond anything normal or a chance for being healthy and happy and if i'm lucky i can just live in compromise and honestly i should be legally allowed to put myself in a coma to end this abuse that is my forced life
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