THE BORINGWITLESS RETORT

Andy Borowitz is a professional humorist who writes "satire" for The New Yorker. I am not a professional humorist, but I am confident that I am just as good at satire as Andy Borowitz, if not marginally better. My goal is to update this blog every day until The New Yorker hires me to replace him at one half his current salary. I do not intend to attack or defame Andy Borowitz in any way. I just think that The New Yorker could save a lot of money if they hired me to do the job instead. Thank you, and enjoy the laffs.

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Phase 1: Accomplished. 

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NEW YORKER BAD AT SATIRE

NEW YORK CITY (BoringWitlessRetort) - After telling a controversial and racially tinged joke at a dinner on Saturday night, New York City mayor defended himself by saying that he is “bad at satire” due to his association with the city of New York.

“Look, what can you expect from a New Yorker,” De Blasio told reporters. “We are all not very good at satire. It’s just a fact. I tried some satire, and it was bad, and I shouldn’t have done it because I’m a New Yorker and am therefore bad at satire.”

The joke, which played on the racial term “CP time,” was “not very funny” and, offensiveness aside, “a pretty obvious and lame joke about how politicians do politician jokes.”

“A New Yorker doing obvious satirical ‘jokes,’” De Blasio said using air quotes. “That’s a recipe for disaster. I apologize for not using my foresight, and for not knowing my limitations as a New Yorker.” 

De Blasio said that he would consider banning all New Yorkers from attempting to write, perform, or publish satire, “to save us from ourselves.”

“This city, its people, and its publications simply lack the capacity to produce good satire,” De Blasio said, nearly in tears. “I can see clearly now that satire is a waste of city resources, and something should be done to prevent any New Yorker from doing satire ever again.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 6 minutes, 26 seconds

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CRUZ TO NEW YORKERS: ‘I DIDN’T THINK I WOULD HAVE TO CARE ABOUT YOU PEOPLE’

NEW YORK CITY (BoringWitlessRetort) - At a campaign stop in the Bronx, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz apologized for his “New York values” comment from an early debate, explaining that “I didn’t think I would have to care about you people.”

“Usually, nominations are wrapped up well before New York ever votes,” Cruz said. “I never would have disparaged the entire city of New York if I thought I’d have to eventually pander to it for votes.”

“I sincerely apologize for what I said,” Cruz added, “because if I hadn’t said it, I wouldn’t be needing to apologize right now, for votes.”

Cruz has been met with widespread hostility in his New York campaign stops, with locals frequently telling the Texas senator to “forget about it” and reminding him that they’re walking here. 

Despite the negative reception, however, Cruz has remained positive and hopeful that he could repair his relationship with the country’s most populous city.

“I love New York City, I really do,” Cruz said at a sparsely attended rally in Queens. “I love it so much, I purchased what I’m told is a very unique t-shirt that bears that message. And actually, my favorite restaurant in the world is right here in New York City. Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen is a true American treasure.”

After the speech, Cruz was reportedly overheard muttering, “I can’t wait until the general election when I can pretend this garbage town doesn’t exist again.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 8 minutes, 11 seconds

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SANDERS WINS 100% OF YELLOWSTONE VOTE IN WYOMING CAUCUS

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (BoringWitlessRetort) - Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders won the Wyoming caucus on Saturday, with his most impressive performance coming in the Yellowstone National Park district, where he earned 100% of the wild animal vote.

“I am very proud to have earned the vote of every single bear, bison, eagle, salmon, and meadowlark who lives in the majestic Yellowstone park,” Sanders told a crowd of supporters in New York, where he was campaigning as the results came in. “As we have established, I have the ability to communicate with, summon, and command all of Gaia’s wild creatures, but I’m happy to say that I had no influence over their voting in today’s caucus. Those furry and feathered friends support my own campaign completely of their own volition.”

Sanders also swept the rock vote, the flower vote, and the geyser vote, which was widely expected after the Vermont senator earned the coveted endorsement of Old Faithful.

“[thousands of gallons of hot water erupting into the air],” the world famous cone geyser said at a rally of Yellowstone Sanders supporters.

Despite the dominant showing, the delegate count impact is minimal, especially considering that none of the animals, plants, or geographical features who voted are technically legal American human citizens. Still, Sanders pointed to his victory as a reason to continue competing for the Democratic nomination.

“Let me be clear: I think that bears should be superdelegates,” Sanders said. “If every bear in Yellowstone were a superdelegate, I would be winning right now. And that alone is reason to continue the battle.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 10 minutes, 42 seconds

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REPORT: BOTH CANDIDATES GOOD

AMERICA (BoringWitlessRetort) - Despite a contentious week during which Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders exchanged the lowest blows of the campaign, a report emerged indicating that actually, both candidates are good.

“There has been a lot of in-fighting among Democrats lately, with some saying Clinton is good and others saying Sanders is good,” sad Susan Teller, a researcher at the Common Sense Institute. “But actually, our research indicates that both candidates are good, and furthermore, both are much more good than Donald Trump or even Ted Cruz.”

The report came as a shock to many diehard supporters of both candidates, who had previously insisted that only their candidate was good.

“I was shocked,” said Bernie Sanders supporter Janet Wells. “I was so sure that only Bernie was good, but when this report came out saying that actually so is Hillary, I couldn’t believe it. But then I read the whole report and now it’s clear that both are good and basically the same person, pretty much.”

“I realized the error of my ways,” said Hillary Clinton supporter Andy Denton. “All this time I thought that my candidate, Hillary Clinton, was better than Bernie Sanders. I can’t believe I was so silly. Obviously they are equally good and honestly I wish I could vote for both of them a million times.”

The report includes hard data and several graphs that demonstrate why both candidates are so good and why Republicans are so bad and so why how that makes the Democrats great to vote for no matter what.

“We believe this report will serve as the voice of reason in this long and contested primary season,” said Teller. “No matter which candidate gets the nomination, we can rest assured that they are both the best possible candidate ever.”

After the report was released, both Sanders’ and Clintons’ national polling numbers amongst Democrats leapt to 100%.

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 11 minutes, 30 seconds

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CRUZ MENTIONS KEN KRATZ AS POSSIBLE VP

MANITOWOC, WISCONSIN (BoringWitlessRetort) - After a pivotal primary victory in Wisconsin, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz gave an energized victory speech during which he mentioned Ken Kratz, the infamous prosecutor featured in the Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, as a possible vice presidential candidate.

“Wisconsin is a great state filled with great people, and one of those people might just end up as my running mate,” Cruz told a crowd of supporters shortly after the victory is announced. “Ken Kratz is a great lawyer who, like me, has a face and voice that simply inspires people. And I think he’d make a great vice president.”

Cruz went on to mention that he was dedicated to “making sure people end up in jail no matter what,” and that as president there would be “thousands more Steven Averys and Brendan Dasseys.”

“I know I’ve never really talked about this, but I just love it when people go to jail despite obvious malfeasance on the part of police and prosecution,” Cruz continued. “It’s actually going to be a big part of my platform going forward, and in my first 100 days as President, I hope to send 100,000 people to jail for murder on shaky-at-best evidence.”

Some found Cruz’s reference to Ken Kratz to be “bizarre,” “unlikely,” and “a totally forced attempt at drawing a parallel between himself and a similarly loathsome figure from recent pop culture,” but Cruz insisted that it would make sense for him to, unprompted, declare the widely reviled former prosecutor a viable VP prospect.

“Think about it,” Cruz said. “We both suck. Right? And also he’s from Wisconsin which is the state I just won. So. Yeah.”

Cruz then got into a green Toyota Rav4 and drove away as he yelled “do you get this reference” out the window. 

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 10 minutes, 21 seconds

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TRUMP ON PANAMA PAPERS: ‘VAN HALEN SHOULD GO TO JAIL’

MILWAUKEE (BoringWitlessRetort) - Soon after news outlets all over the world reported on controversial findings in the Panama Papers, one of the biggest data leaks of all time, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to respond, telling reporters that he felt that Van Halen should “go to jail” as a result of the investigations.

“It’s terrible what we’re finding out with this Panama thing, and I know for sure that as president, Van Halen would go to jail for his crimes,” Trump said. “Look, we can’t be deceived. Just because Panama is a great song doesn’t mean that it’s okay for Van Halen to do all the things that he did, that we learned about now because of these Panama Papers.”

When asked whether he would execute Van Halen for treason, Trump refused to say either way.

“I want to keep my cards close to the vest, okay,” Trump said. “I don’t want Van Halen to think he’s safe when I’m president, but I also don’t want him to run away. I want to be unpredictable.”

Trump then began his rally, where supporters burned hundreds of Van Halen records, t-shirts, and custom-designed trapper-keepers.

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 7 minutes, 21 seconds

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RYAN: ‘I WON’T RUN FOR PRESIDENT NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE DON’T WANT ME TO’

JERUSALEM (BoringWitlessRetort) - Speaking to reporters during a trip to Israel, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan put to rest any rumors that he’d attempt to earn the GOP presidential nomination at a contested convention, saying that he “won’t run for president no matter how many people don’t actually want me to do that.”

“I have heard dozens of people tell me that they don’t want me to be president, much less get the Republican nomination,” Ryan told the Times of Israel. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to do any of those things. I’m perfectly happy in my role as the Speaker of the House for a Congress literally nobody likes.”

Ryan continued to talk about how he had no plans of becoming president, even after reporters attempted to change the subject. 

When asked about America’s role in fighting climate change worldwide, Ryan said, “Again, I have no intention of trying to be president. If I wanted to run, I would have run. Just as many people didn’t want me to be president back then, and yet I didn’t run. Nothing has changed.”

Eventually, Ryan settled into what appeared to be a trancelike state, during which he repeated the phrase “I will not run for president” until everybody at the press conference had left the room. 

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST:  7 minutes 41 seconds

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SANDERS: ‘I WILL SUMMON EVERY WILD BEAST TO DEVOUR THE BIG BANKS’

MADISON, WISCONSIN (BoringWitlessRetort) - Over a week after a bird landed on his podium during a rally in Oregon, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders warned that the incident was “just a small preview” of his powers, which included the ability to “summon every wild beast to create a natural army that will devour the big banks.”

“I can communicate with animals and command them to do my bidding,” Sanders told a large crowd of supporters in the liberal college town of Madison. “When I am president, I will lead them all in a brutal attack on the big banks which are destroying the middle class and holding down the poor.”

“Citibank, Chase, Bank of America, and all the rest must fear the bear’s mighty claws, the snake’s poisonous fangs,” Sanders continued. “If they are not careful, I will even send sharks after them. They will be devoured by the savage and unfeeling creatures that I share a special psychic bond with.”

Sanders concluded his speech by hinting that perhaps even plants, trees, rocks, and clouds were under his unholy control.

“Let me say this: the forces of nature will be turned against the one percent,” Sanders shouted above the din of his enthusiastic supporters’ cheers. “And they will be caught up in a literal hurricane of blood that no amount of money will buy them respite from.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 8 minutes 50 seconds

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TRUMP PRANKS SUPPORTERS WITH COHERENT POLICY SPEECH

GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN (BoringWitlessRetort) - In what may go down as an all-time classic April Fool’s Day prank, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump gave a coherent policy speech that showed a studied, careful perspective on America and its place in the world.

Trump delivered the speech, which was a comprehensive, multifaceted address that covered everything from the economy to foreign affairs, to a confused crowd of supporters, many of whom were clearly agitated by the candidate’s sudden seriousness.

“I was looking around, like, what’s going on, you know,” said Margie Gunter, a dental hygienist and Trump supporter from Appleton. “When’s he gonna talk about waterboarding Mexicans and stuff? He was really being strange.”

As Trump transitioned to a well-reasoned assessment of America’s crumbling and underfunded infrastructure, many supporters started to chant “Kill ISIS,” “Build the Wall,” and “This is Boring,” but Trump continued, unfazed.

“I’ll be honest, I was pissed,” said Trevor Halbachmann, an unemployed mechanic from Hobart. “I was like, if I wanted to listen to a book, I would have gone to a book listening place. He’s supposed to be our big strong hero but instead he sounded like a huge nerd.”

Trump then concluded the hourlong speech by yelling “April Fools,” tearing up his notes, and slapping a nearby woman. The crowd then erupted in laughter and cheers.

“It was perfect,” said Halbachmann. “He’s truly will being our best next president.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 10 minutes, 20 seconds

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KASICH EATS PIZZA WITH BUTT

NEW YORK CITY (BoringWitlessRetort) - In an embarrassing gaffe that angered New York voters, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich ate a pizza with his butt instead of his mouth.

“That ain’t how you eat a pizza in New York,” said New York City resident Richie Badaboomini. “You eat it with your mouth! Put the pizza in your mouth, chew it up with your teeth, swallow it down your throat. Forget about it.”

“I’m walking here,” added Badaboomini.

In response to the backlash, Kasich apologized for not being aware of the sacred customs of New York City.

“I should have been more sensitive to the citizens of this great city,” an emotional Kasich said in a press conference in front of Famous Ray’s, a famous pizza restaurant in New York City, “I’m just so used to Ohio, where we do eat pizza with our butts, and when we throw up the pizza we call it ‘chili’ and sell it as food.”

Unfortunately for the Ohio governor, it appeared that the apology came too late, as his poll numbers in the state of New York plummeted to 0%. 

“I’d be surprised if Kasich gets a single vote here,” said New York City resident Jimmy Taxicabs. “You just can’t come to this city and eat a pizza with your butt and expect to be respected.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 6 minutes, 37 seconds 

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TRUMP REFUSES TO RULE OUT USING NUKES AGAINST WOMEN

JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN (BoringWitlessRetort) - After his vague and controversial remarks about “punishments” for women who got abortions, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump provided no further details on Thursday, but did tell supporters at a rally in Wisconsin that he “wouldn’t rule out dropping a nuclear bomb on women who got abortions, and really, women in general.”

“I love women, I think they’re incredible, and I think they’re nearly as important as men,” Trump told a raucous crowd. “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be afraid to nuke them if I had to. I don’t want to, but if I have to, if they insist on getting abortions, as president, I’d have no choice but to press the big red button.”

Trump went on to claim that past presidents had considered using the nuclear option against women.

“Back when America was great, if a guy said he wanted to nuke women, people understood that he was doing what was best and strongest,” Trump said to thunderous applause. “Woodrow Wilson, he basically flipped a coin between dropping a nuke on those sufragetters and letting the 19th Amendment happen, and I tell you, those girls were lucky it landed heads.”

“Again, I have nothing but respect for women, but they’re the ISIS of genders,” Trump added. “They really are.” 

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 8 minutes, 39 seconds

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FIVE-YEAR-OLDS TAKE OFFENSE AT TRUMP COMPARISON

AMERICA (BoringWitlessRetort) - After CNN anchor Anderson Cooper compared an argument by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to that of a “five-year-old,” five-year-olds around the country united to take offense at the comparison.

“We are offended that Mr. Cooper would dare to compare us, the five-year-olds of America, to Mr. Trump,” said Jabari Wilson, a five-year-old student at Little Ducklings Preschool. “We are, by and large, capable of sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Also, we have a much better grasp on foreign policy.”

“Mr. Cooper is severely underestimating our reasoning skills if he thinks Mr. Trump is capable of making a five-year-old-level argument,” said Kenzi Liang, a five-year-old classmate of Wilson’s. “We have a general understanding of cause and effect, and are usually able to string together a few coherent sentences at a time. Especially when we get to talk about, say, a cute doggy, or how the last thing this country needs is a president who targets and scapegoats vulnerable groups of people.” 

America’s five-year-olds reportedly started to get cranky just thinking about the possibility of growing up under a Trump presidency, insisting that they get a juice and a nap before discussing the matter any further.

“Notice how we were still more mature than Trump, though,” said Wilson. “We said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and didn’t incite or condone any violence.”

When reached for comment, Trump told reporters, “I’d like to challenge every five-year-old in the country to a fight. I know I could beat them all, because I’m a terrific fighter, and I’ve already beaten several preschoolers to death for sport.”

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST:  12 minutes, 55 seconds

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A GUN AGAIN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (BoringWitlessRetort) - Sources have confirmed that a gun again, this time outside the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

Eyewitnesses say that the gun happened when a guy had a gun, but then another gun stopped the guy with a gun before his gun could fully gun.

Although the gun was not as bad as previous guns, the gun’s proximity to important people raised alarm.

“It’s scary whenever a gun,” said Gary Gunn, a bystander who saw the gun. “But that’s basically where the thought process stops. After that it’s just like ‘uhhhhhhhh’ until another gun.”

People across the country have reacted to the gun happening, with many saying that this gun is further proof that there are too many gun, and others saying that there are not enough gun, and everybody agreeing that nothing different will happen either way. 

“Maybe if this gun happened real bad, with a lot of dying and people being sad and mad about it, then gun could change to not happen as much,” said one American. “But actually probably not. This gun could have gunned like a hundred and it would be the same as gun gunning barely anybody. Oh well.”

At press time, it was not clear whether more guns would gun in the near future, although many guessed “yes.” 

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 6 minutes, 20 seconds

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GEORGIA GOVERNOR: ‘WE LOVE MONEY WAY MORE THAN WE HATE GAY PEOPLE’

ATLANTA (BoringWitlessRetort) - After vetoing a “religious liberty” bill that would have allowed businesses to discriminate against gay people, Republican Governor Nathan Deal declared it a “victory for love,” saying that the people of Georgia “love money way more than we hate gay people.”

The bill, which would have led to boycotts of the state from major companies like Disney, was “simply not what this great state stands for.”

“Everybody is welcome in the state of Georgia,” said Gov. Deal in a press conference. “Especially if they’re willing to spend millions of dollars filming movies and TV shows here.”

Gov. Deal went on to speak at length about Georgia’s legacy of tolerance and acceptance.

“We have a long and storied history of tolerating and accepting people for who they are, if doing so is beneficial to us economically,” Deal explained. “I mean, sure, we’ve had our little moments in time where oppressing certain groups of people was literally the basis of our entire economy, but overall, we are very principled when it comes to doing what’s right for everybody as long as it’s good for business.”

Deal then shook the hand of one gay person and quickly left.

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 9 minutes, 37 seconds

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DONALD TRUMP FUCKS BIRD TO DEATH WITH GIANT PENIS

NEW YORK (BoringWitlessRetort) - A day after a bird interrupted a Bernie Sanders rally in Portland, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump sought to one-up the Democratic underdog by taking out his giant penis and fucking a bird to death at a campaign rally in New York. 

“Look at this bird, isn’t it a marvelous bird,” Trump said as he removed the rare endangered macaw from its cage. “Did you know birds do everything out of one hole? Pee, poop, eggs, they do it all. It’s called a cloaca, amazing, truly amazing, and I’ve learned all this today.”

Trump then proceeded to unzip his pants, take out his giant penis, and fuck the bird to death to raucous cheers and applause. Many supporters chanted “Trump” and “fuck the bird” alternately. 

“He really showed his strength and why he’s so good for this country and should be president and do all the wars,” said Trump supporter Zach Matts. “Plus also his swimsuit area is so big it will scare ISIS so bad. We must vote Trump for America.”

After finishing the macabre display, Trump tossed the bird’s desecrated corpse into the crowd, where it was torn to death by the ravenous masses.

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 6 minutes, 9 seconds

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WOMEN OF EARTH DENY CRUZ AFFAIR RUMORS

ENTIRE WORLD (BoringWitlessRetort) - After the National Enquirer reported overnight that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has had extramarital affairs with at least five different women, every woman on Earth flatly denied the allegations in a press conference this afternoon. 

“We absolutely deny the vicious and unfounded rumors that any of us would have sex with Ted Cruz,” said every woman on Earth in perfect unison. “We want to make it perfectly clear that out of the over 4 billion of us who exist, there are not five, not four, not even three of us who would so much as hug that terrible, off-putting man.”

“We mean, like, just look at his face,” the women continued, still in unison. “That’s all you need to know, really. That his face looks like that. But then there’s also his mega-creep vibe and his politics, which are virulently anti-woman. Nothing about this man is even remotely attractive to any of us.”

Though it was not verified due to the tremendous amount of women, some who attended the press conference said they saw Heidi Cruz, Ted’s wife, speaking as part of the crowd - lending credence to the theory that Cruz has not even had sex with his own wife, despite the existence of multiple biological children. 

The Cruz campaign has yet to respond to either the Enquirer’s report or to every woman on Earth.

TOTAL TIME SPENT ON POST: 8 minutes, 49 seconds